Day 3

Ashley found herself evicted from the bed she was rocking on for 2 days. Now, she has taken up residence on the cold, tile floor of her private bathroom. She leans her head against the wall next to the toilet. She has found herself staring down at the water in said toilet at least a dozen times in the last 6 hours.

There is no way there's anything left in my stomach! The dry heaving hurts worse than being punched in the chest. I'm not sure I can take this. Wouldn't a small dose of heroin make everything so much better? GOD, I have to stop thinking. I've been lost in my thoughts for far too long now. But, just one small bump…it could take all of this pain away.

-flashback-

3 months ago

"Ashley, you've been throwing up for the past hour. Will you please just listen to me…I know you want to get better, but cutting it all out is not going to help," Macy said, rubbing slow circles on Ashley's back.

"I can't keep going back, Mace…you know how I am. It's all or nothing. Now go, we aren't even together anymore," Ashley hissed through gritted teeth. She couldn't understand why this girl would push her away because of drugs, and then urge her to take them to 'get better.'

"Suit yourself, Ashley, but I'm not hanging around to watch you die from withdrawal when I can make it better for you right now."

-end flashback-

Maybe she was right…maybe I need to just slowly remove the drugs from my life…

The door to Ashley's room opened and she found herself straightening up against the bathroom wall to prep for whoever had entered. As she tried to slide her hands up the wall behind her and stand to her feet, her eyes locked with the ocean of blue she had seen the day before. She instantly froze against the wall, halfway to her destined stance.

"Good morning, Ashley," Spencer shyly smiled as she reached a hand out to Ashley to steady her back to her feet. "I was hoping we could chat for a bit, if you're feeling up to it."

After steadying herself, Ashley just shrugged her shoulders and nodded her head a bit as she followed Spencer back into her room. She took back her spot on the bed, huddling close to the headboard, while Spencer sat Indian style in the chair at the end of her bed.

"Do you want something to eat or drink, Ashley?"

The brunette grimaced and shook her head no.

Spencer smiled softly at seeing Ashley's look of disgust. "I know it's hard to even think about eating when you're feeling the way you are, but we've got to get something in your stomach at some point. You can't not eat, forever," Spencer said, throwing a sarcastic grin Ashley's way. Ashley attempted to return the smile, but just nodded in agreement.

"Do you know why you're here, Ashley," Spencer questioned.

Ashley nodded thoughtfully and as her eyes rose to meet Spencer's she softly replied, "I'm here because I won't live much longer if I don't get some kind of help."

Her response was so real that Spencer was taken aback for a moment. She jotted down a few notes on the paper in her hands and then resumed their conversation.

"Did you feel more alive when you were high, or while sober," the blonde questioned.

Ashley thought for a moment, then responded with tear-filled eyes, "I can't remember the last time I really felt alive at all," she shrugged her shoulders and looked into Spencer's eyes while continuing, "Even when I was so-called happy in a relationship, playing shows every other night, I don't think I truly felt alive. The drugs just kept me numb, not alive."

"Well, how do you feel now, Ashley?"

Ashley chuckled softly under her breath a minute, "Right this moment? I feel like shit. I feel like things were easier before I got here. I feel like someone's pulled the rug out from underneath my feet…but I feel…and that's new to me."

Spencer stood and then repositioned herself on the end of Ashley's bed. Reaching out her hand and placing it on the brunette's forearm she just nodded. "I promise you it will get better, but it will probably get worse first. Just know that I'm here for you whenever you need me. Whether that be to talk, listen, or just sit with you." Spencer withdrew her hand, trying hard to dismiss the feeling of electricity that ran through her veins with the simple touch of Ashley's skin. She could still feel the heat under her fingertips.

Ashley sat staring down at her arm that, after experiencing warmth for a few seconds, was now cold again. She furrowed her brows and looked up at the doctor sitting in front of her. "You're paid to act like you care, I understand. Just do what you can to help me get better, Doc."

"Please, call me Spencer."

Ashley's features softened a bit as she drew her knees to her chest. "Well, just make sure you don't let me leave until I'm able to truly live again…Spencer," she broke eye contact and started to stare out the window on the other side of her room.

Spencer watched the broken beauty in front of her slowly begin rocking herself while she looked out the window. She wanted nothing more than to hold her, and she didn't understand why.

There has to be a reason I ended up with her and not the man I was supposed to be assigned to. I just can't shake the feelings I get when I'm near her. I just want to take every bit of her pain away. If only she could remember…remember me…remember the fun times we had. Maybe someday she will remember, but until then, I have to force those memories to the back of mind. I have to help her remember who SHE is, and help her get back to the life she deserves.

Not wanting to make Ashley uncomfortable, Spencer stood and slowly walked away from the bed to resume her place in the oversized chair on the other side of the room.

Ashley continued to stare out the window. Why does it feel like I know this girl? It's like she sees me. The REAL me. Not the person I've become, but the person I once was. I wonder if…nah…that was so long ago.

Seeing the look on her face, Spencer couldn't help but ask, "Are you okay, Ash?"

Ash? I haven't heard that name in so long…it feels good to hear it again.

Ashley nodded her head, but never relinquished her gaze on the world outside her four walls.

"Do you think I'll get through this, Do-, umm, Spencer?"

"I think that all depends on you Ashley. Do you want to get over this?"

Ashley had to think about that for a minute. Did she really want to get over her addictions? I mean, it's been such a force in her life, for so long now. Could she really survive being sober?

"Sometimes I want to say no. It just seems easier to live with it than to survive without it. The drugs, you know," Ashley responded.

Spencer nodded but remained quiet as Ashley's face twisted in thought.

Ashley slowly turned and looked at Spencer, holding eye contact while her tears burned for release from her eyes. "I just want to live again. To live, laugh, love, and not take it all for granted...but what if I already wasted my chance on all of those things, Spencer," Ashley sobbed, "What if I'm not given another chance, then what?"

Spencer moved toward Ashley again saying, "Your 'another chance' is now, Ash. You just have to want it bad enough to take it."

She moved a hand forward and wiped away some of the fallen tears with the pad of her thumb. Her hand cupped the side of Ashley's face as she wiped the wetness away, and Ashley allowed herself to lean into the warm touch for a brief second before pulling away.

"You shouldn't touch me, Spencer. You don't want the filth that I am to taint your skin, trust me," Ashley stated, through gritted teeth.

"I hope you know that's not true, Ash. You are not filthy, nor are you contagious, and it just so happens that I know a little bit about what you're feeling," Spencer said.

Ashley's brows furrowed and she looked at Spencer through narrowed eyes.

"Sure you do. I'm sure they taught you to say that in school, right?"

"Actually, no, they didn't teach us to say that," Spencer replied with a smirk, "but I, myself, have been sober now for 8 years, so I know what it's like to fight an addiction every day of your life," Spencer confessed.

Ashley's eyes grew wide as she stared in disbelief. Her mouth opened and closed, and opened and closed again…fighting for words.

Spencer just nodded her head, slowly, before responding, "I think we've spilled enough on the table for today, what do you think?"

Ashley watched as Spencer stood from the bed and attempted to gather her things from the chair where she was once seated. Her mind seemed to stop working as she stared at the person in front of her.

How can she…I mean…there's no way she…an addict? She's too beautiful to have ever been broken.

Ashley kept blinking her eyes, watching Spencer prepare to leave.

"When will you come back," Ashley inquired, "You know, to see me…or just talk to me….or whatever it is you're going to do."

Spencer stood near the door with a soft smile on her face, "Ashley, I will be here so much in the near future that you're probably going to wish I would leave you alone."

Ashley smiled for the first time in what seemed like forever. "I can't imagine not wanting to talk to you, Spencer. You're supposed to be my sanity right now, remember?"

Spencer nodded her head and flashed an affirming smile the brunette's way before slowly turning and leaving Ashley's room.

Ashley found herself staring out the window at the livelihood appearing outside her four walls.

I can't believe I'm smiling. I don't deserve to feel anything remotely good right now, especially something that would cause a smile…but Spencer just…she's just…so different than I expected my counselor to be. She's beautiful, yet she's flawed. Maybe she'll be able to help me through this after all. I just feel like I've known her for so long, like there's this connection. Could she really be that little girl from so many years ago?