Session 1
Ashley straightened her room and ran a brush through her hair before heading out to meet Spencer for their first "formal" session. She looked at the clock, reading 1:50pm, before reaching for the door handle.
Here goes nothing, she thought.
Listening to the sound of her sneakers lightly squeak on the tile floor, Ashley found a soothing rhythm in her walk, quickly losing herself in her thoughts.
I wonder what Kyla is doing? I wish I could call her…I mean…if it weren't for her, finding me and bringing me here, there is no telling what could have happened. I owe her so much more than the grief I give her. She is my only family; the only family that cares, at least. I have to make sure I remember to thank her. Maybe we'll go away for a long weekend when I get out of here. Go to Cabo or something, and just relax on the beach. I will never be able to fully repay her, I know that, but I want our relationship to be stronger; for us to be closer.
Arriving at the door to Spencer's office, Ashley paused momentarily, staring at the nameplate by the door. Dr. Spencer Carlin, what a smooth name. It just rolls off the tongue, Ashley grinned.
She reached up and rapped lightly on the door, slowly taking a step back to wait in silence. She ran her hand through her auburn curls and took a deep breath, only to have it catch in her throat as the doctor opened her door.
"Hey Ashley," Spencer said with a smile, "Come in and sit down."
Ashley entered the office and sat down, slowly exhaling the breath her lungs had previously been holding hostage. She shifted in the chair, searching for a comfortable position, while meeting the questioning gaze of the girl in front of her.
"These chairs are hard compared to the bed I've been sitting on for so long now," Ashley offered.
"Would you rather move over to the couch behind you?"
Ashley turned looking at the couch, before returning her gaze in front of her, "No thanks. I know I'm being shrinked and all, but let's not play into the whole 'Lie down on my couch and tell me about your hopes and dreams' cliché."
Spencer laughed, while noticing the grin pulling at the corners of Ashley's mouth.
"Besides, I want to stay in close range of that Nerf hoop on your trashcan over there," Ashley pointed just behind Spencer.
Spencer's grin grew wide and she sat in comfortable silence just listening to Ashley ease into comfortable conversation with her.
"I guess we can go one-on-one after we get the 'spilling-of-guts' out of the way, right?" Ashley inquired.
Spencer opened her desk drawer, pulling out the little orange foam ball that had been in there for at least a year now.
"How about this…we talk….and for every detail you offer up I'll let you take a shot. For every shot you make I'll let you, in turn, ask me a question about my life. This way it's both of us opening up in here and not just you stealing the spotlight," Spencer proposed.
"And what if I miss?"
"Well, then you'll just need to practice more in your off-time, or we will just be sitting and listening to you throughout our sessions."
Ashley rolled her eyes and chuckled softly. "Alright Spencer, you got a deal. So let's get to it…game on!"
"Why don't we start with your background, you know, just fill me in on your family situation. How does that sound?" Spencer asked.
"That's fine..." Ashley mused, while mumbling under her breath, "shouldn't take long."
Spencer grinned slightly having heard Ashley's mumbling.
"Well, I was pretty close with my dad when I was little," Ashley began. "He was a musician, so he traveled a lot, but I always got my time, you know…my one-on-one time with dear old dad."
Spencer nodded in acknowledgment, silently encouraging Ashley to continue.
"Mom was around 'til dad died, when I was 15. She just kinda disappeared after his funeral. I would see her once or twice a month, if I was lucky. Then Kyla came along…she's my half-sister. Apparently dear old dad was shacking up some woman he met on the east coast when he was on tour, and Kyla was the product of their affair. She's only a year and half younger than me."
"How did you deal with you dad's death," Spencer questioned.
"I don't know, like anyone else would deal I guess. I shut down a little, withdrew from the ones I loved…just escaped to try and process everything. I mean, I lost my dad, but I also lost my mom so it was like a double whammy. And then Kyla…wow. I mean, I wanted to just hate her, but she turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to me."
"Tell me about that. How was she the best to happen to you?"
"Well, she just wanted to know who my dad was and I just wanted to grieve. The process just went hand-in-hand. I talked about him, helping me get through it, and she got to learn about the dad she never knew and the dad I loved so much."
"How was the rest of your life during that time," Spencer asked.
Ashley furrowed her brows a bit and looked pointedly at Spencer, "What do you mean?"
"Well, your family was breaking down…you just lost someone so important to you. Did it affect school, friends, anything like that?"
Ashley laughed a little before shaking her head, obviously reflecting on that time in her life.
"Oh my life crumbled. School was my last priority. I just started going out, numbing myself by drinking and smoking pot. I didn't think it was a big deal either, at the time, but look where I am now," Ashley grinned, but looked lost. "I started sleeping around a lot too. I wanted to carry on my dad's legacy. That's how I rationalized what I was doing."
"When did you drop out of high school?"
"I left the day I got my inheritance money. I was 2 weeks shy of 18, and was a senior. I should have just stayed and finished, but I just couldn't be confined by those halls any longer. I felt claustrophobic there," Ashley stated.
"Why do you think you felt claustrophobic," Spencer asked.
"I dunno. I just did. I just felt like I was being held back by being there, like I could be doing much more outside of school," Ashley answered.
"So you left. And what did you do after school?"
"Well, Kyla and I bought a loft together in West Hollywood. She was still in school, but I started writing music and playing at little clubs downtown."
Spencer just sat with her hands folded in her lap, watching Ashley talk. She locked eyes with her and gave a bit of a frown.
"What?" Ashley asked.
"It's just…I hear everything you're telling me, but you're saying nothing about the drug use at all. That is the reason you're in here, you know," Spencer stated.
Ashley took that opportunity to toss the little orange ball she had been squeezing across the room and through the hoop.
Spencer, somewhat shocked, turned and looked at the ball sitting in the waste basket and then turned back around with a smile on her face.
"I guess it's time for you to talk," Ashley smirked.
"Okay, what do you want to know?"
"How long were you an addict?"
"Wow, you start off with the big ones, don't you," Spencer said, with eyebrows raised.
Taking in the smile on Ashley's face, she felt at peace to talk about her addiction.
"Well, I am still an addict, and always will be, I am just able to control the cravings and live a drug-free life now…BUT…I was taking pills, every day, for nearly 3 years."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why did you take pills? Like, what made you want to be numb?" Ashley pressed.
"Well, I was going through a very hard time in my life. I had just come out to my parents and my friends and the reaction I got wasn't altogether favorable. In fact, my once close relationship with my mother has never been the same," Spencer answered. "Sooo, I wanted to escape, and I did so by taking pills. I was numb, whenever I was awake, and I liked it."
Ashley sat with a look of sadness on her face, slowly nodding, understanding Spencer's need to feel numb.
She was taking in everything Spencer had said when she raised her eyes to meet Spencer's eyes again.
"So, you're gay?"
"Not so fast Ms. Davies, it's my turn again," Spencer laughed.
"Well give me the ball back then," Ashley smirked.
Handing the ball back to Ashley, Spencer pushed her again for information.
"So how often were you using during those years?"
"At first, only a couple times a week. Then it turned into every other day, then everyday," Ashley answered.
"And how many different sexual partners did you have during that time?"
Ashley scoffed, rolling her eyes, "I wish I knew, but I have no idea. It was a way to feel something, even though I was numb. So there were a lot."
"Men or women, or both?"
"It didn't matter to me really. At first, it was mostly guys, but then I started hooking up with girls and found I enjoyed the sex with women a lot more," Ashley said.
"Is that all it was to you," Spencer inquired, "just sex?"
"For the most part, yes, but then I met Hadley. She was the first girl to really get to me."
"Tell me about her."
"Well, we were both 21. We met at a bar and started talking and just hit it off. I took her home that night, with no intentions of seeing her again, but she was still there when I woke up the next morning…and she was there every morning after that for the next 2 years."
"Did you love her?"
"I did love her, but I didn't stop hooking up the entire time I was with her. I ultimately killed our relationship because I couldn't commit and give her all of me."
"Why do you think you couldn't commit?"
"I was too numb. I was partying, playing, writing, and just self-absorbed."
"What did Kyla think about all of that?"
"She hated it, but she got to the point that she left me alone about it. It was like I had two totally different lives; the one where I was totally numb, and then every now and then, the one where I was a sister and friend."
Before Spencer could respond, the little orange ball came whizzing past her again, and right through the hoop, accompanied by a smile from the brunette in front of her.
"So you're gay?" Ashley wasted no time asking.
Spencer looked down at her watch and then back up to Ashley.
"As much as I would love to keep this conversation going, it's been almost 2 hours. I have another session after this one," Spencer smirked.
Ashley shook her head just as there was a knock on the door.
A nurse popped her head in to tell Spencer her next patient was waiting in the commons room for her.
Spencer thanked her and got up from her seat only to re-position herself in front of Ashley, leaning back on her desk.
"I'm proud of you for opening up today, Ash."
Ashley grinned slightly before standing, only to find herself exceptionally close to the doctor in front of her.
She leaned in just a little, whispering a thank you in Spencer's ear.
Chills jumped off Spencer's skin and raced down her back as she realized how close Ashley was to her.
She slid to the side and stood up straight, removing herself from any chance at awkwardness, and being uncomfortable.
Ashley shot a genuine smile Spencer's way before moving around the chair to head for the door.
"Thanks for being my clarity, Spencer," Ashley shot back over her shoulder as she reached for the door handle and began to turn it to head back to her room.
Spencer smiled and nodded in reassurance.
Before Ashley made it down the hall she was turned around by a voice calling out to her.
"Oh, and Ashley," Spencer called out, "The answer to your question is yes."
Ashley grinned and laughed to herself, just nodding in the doctor's direction.
Yeah, I know it is.