Ashley pushed her chair back and stood up from the table her and Spencer had been occupying.
"Spence, I'm done here…let's go talk," Ashley nearly commanded, but followed her statement with the faintest of grins.
"Yes ma'am, drill sergeant," Spencer laughed, jumping to her feet and shuffling out the cafeteria doors at a rapid pace.
Shocked at how quickly Spencer moved, Ashley had to jog a bit to catch up with her. Laughing the entire way at how funny the situation must have looked to those around them.
"Hey you, slow down a bit, we don't have to be anywhere in the next thirty seconds," Ashley teased.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Spencer replied, "You appeared ready to go, so I figured, let's go."
Laughing, Ashley lightly bumped Spencer's hip, throwing her off her walk and tripping her up a little.
"Have a nice trip, Spence," Ashley laughed loudly, reaching a hand out to help steady Spencer.
Rolling her eyes, Spencer swatted Ashley's hand away and kept walking down the hallway.
"Is it okay if we go to my room? I would just feel more comfortable in there," Ashley questioned.
"Absolutely, Ash, I want you to be comfortable…so if that's where you are most comfortable, then that's where we will go."
Ashley smiled and continued on down the hall, stealing side-ways glances at Spencer walking next to her.
It's so funny how things have just solidified between us the last few days. It was a surprise knowing everything that I now know, but I know I feel good being around her. There is just that nagging voice in the back of my head that I can't get rid of, telling me to take a step back. I don't trust her. I want to, but I just can't right now. I still feel like I don't even really KNOW her. So much time has gone by…I just hope she understands that, while I'm enjoying being around her, there is still so much more I need to know.
Spencer noticed how quiet Ashley had become on their walk back to her room and grew somewhat concerned.
Reaching out, placing a hand on Ashley's forearm, Spencer questioned if Ashley was feeling okay.
"You've been really quiet this entire walk back from dinner, Ash, are you okay? Would you rather lie down and we can chat tomorrow?"
Ashley looked down at Spencer's hand and Spencer moved it off of her arm. Ashley looked up at Spencer smiling.
"I'm fine Spence, just lost in thought, you know. It's been a crazy day, and I'm having terrible cravings, and my world just got flipped upside-down. I'm just feeling a little scrambled right now."
"I can imagine. First thing we need to do is get you your meds for this evening. That will help some with the cravings."
Ashley sighed, shaking her head, "I hate taking that stuff. It makes me so sleepy."
"I know it does, but we'll chat for a bit, then you can take it and sleep the night away. It will probably do you some good."
"I guess," Ashley lamented.
The girls stopped by the nurse's area and got Ashley's medication and then headed back to her room.
Pushing through her door, Ashley headed for the chair near her window and turned it around to face the rest of the room.
"Here, Spence, you can sit here," Ashley offered.
Spencer smiled and took a spot in the chair, criss-crossing her legs underneath her as she sat down.
Ashley shuffled around the room, nervously putting clothes and shoes away in her closet, before settling down on the bed.
"You're nervous," Spencer stated very matter-of-factly.
Ashley looked up into Spencer's eyes and nodded her head, "Yeah, I am. It's just, you're here…and I'm so happy…" Ashley trailed off at the end.
"But…"
"But, I am just still so hurt, Spence," Ashley admitted.
Spencer nodded her head in understanding, sighing a little.
"I just don't want you to think one way or the other here, Spence. I have enjoyed being around you, and you have helped me so much so far, but there's that part of me that just hurts."
"I know, Ashley. I don't expect everything to just be fine, but I want you to be able to talk to me about things as well."
"Can you just tell me why, Spencer," Ashley asked with pleading eyes. "Why did you never look for me?"
Spencer looked down at her hands, fidgeting with her fingers, "It's not a cut and dry answer, Ash."
"Well can you give me something," Ashley spat out, a little more venom in her words than she truly intended.
Spencer's head jerked up at the tone in Ashley's voice, meeting the chocolate brown eyes that were staring at her with such intensity.
Sighing, Spencer rose from her chair and began pacing the floor in front of Ashley's window.
"When my family moved away, I lost my best friend, my first love, my soul mate," Spencer confessed. "It was hard to start a new school, make new friends, do new things…and I struggled for a long time, eventually losing myself."
Ashley just watched Spencer as she began to pour her heart out.
"High school wasn't the best time either. I started coming to terms with liking girls and it took me a while to finally come out to my family. Mom was not happy about my confession at all," Spencer stopped pacing for a moment, looking outside with a hint of sorrow. Sighing, she continued:
"I had a girlfriend for a while, but kept her hidden from my family, out of fear of my mother taking her away…like she took you away," Spencer said, looking at Ashley. "I thought about you every day Ash. The pain got to be so much at home that I started looking for a way to numb myself."
"Is that how you became addicted," Ashley asked.
Spencer just nodded her head.
"I started taking sleeping pills in the evening to sleep through my mother's inquisition, and taking pain killers during the day to remain numb to the feelings she provoked during daylight hours," Spencer confessed.
Ashley looked on, saddened by the harsh reality that was Spencer's life.
"Where was Arthur?"
"Oh dad was there, and great, as he always has been," Spencer answered, smiling ever so slightly, "but there was only so much he could do, you know? They had no idea I was using until…" Spencer stopped again, looking out the window.
Ashley saw the sadness in Spencer's eyes and found herself up off the bed and moving to Spencer's side. Reaching her hand out, she lightly rubbed Spencer's back, comforting her.
"Until what, Spencer?"
Spencer could feel the lump in her throat growing as it felt like she had swallowed a gallon of sand. Trying to find her voice, she turned around, facing Ashley.
"I took too many pills one day and didn't wake up when my dad came in to get me for dinner," Spencer quietly confessed. "I woke up in the hospital, confused and angry, and wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep and not wake up."
Ashley ran her hands up and down Spencer's arms, "But you are awake now, Spence, and doing so much for yourself…and for people like me."
"It has been a long road though, and it's still a struggle at times, but I'm so thankful for my dad and his support," Spencer smiled. "I went into rehab after I was released from the hospital and have been working to remain clean since then."
Spencer's eyes were still looking down as Ashley took a step closer to her, eliminating almost all the distance between them.
Pulling her into her arms, Ashley hugged Spencer, allowing her the chance to cry silently.
"It's okay now," Ashley whispered into Spencer's ear, "We're both going to be okay now."
Feeling Ashley's warm breath and lips near her ear sent Spencer's stomach tumbling. She felt her eyes close and her knees buckle slightly, before Ashley tightened her grip around her mid-section.
Pulling back some and looking up into brown eyes, Spencer reached a hand out to brush a few stray hairs from Ashley's face.
God, you are so beautiful, Ash.
Keeping her eyes on blue, Ashley reached out a hand to caress Spencer's cheek. She wiped away a few tears with the pad of her thumb, before allowing her thumb to trace a pattern down Spencer's cheek and across her jaw line, her eyes following every trail her thumb took.
Losing herself in Ashley's touch, Spencer leaned forward, resting her forehead against Ashley's.
Ashley could feel her breaths increasing and her heart started to beat like it was trying to escape from her chest.
She leaned in to Spencer, feeling their breath begin to mingle, and knowing her lips were a mere inch away.
"Spencer, I want to kiss you so bad," Ashley breathed out.
"And I want you to…so bad…but we can't."
Ashley nodded, silently, slowly pulling back from Spencer.
"I'm so sorry, Ash."
"Don't be, I understand," Ashley stated as she backed away completely, turning to sit back on her bed.
Spencer watched as Ashley placed a hand to her forehead, rubbing lightly, slowly shaking her head.
"Maybe it would be a good idea for me to start talking with someone else, Spence, just to make things easier."
Spencer bowed her head, fighting the impending tears, but just nodded in understanding.
"Whatever you want, Ash."
Looking up into a sea of blue, Ashley sighed, knowing this was going to be a long road for the two of them.
She reached over to the side of her bed and scooped up her meds, before washing them down with the bottled water she had resting there as well.
"Thanks, Spence. Just promise me you will still be here as well. I need you; I just need to …just…get a grip right now."
Spencer sat down next to Ashley, covering the brunette's hand with her own.
"I promise," Spencer whispered.