A/N: Once again, big thanks to those of you that take the time to read my story…and even more to those that have taken time to review. It means a lot and I truly appreciate it!
Disclaimer: Don't own anything but the idea of the story…and my motorcycle, I do own that!
Ashley sat and stared at the sandwich in front of her, almost waiting for it to do something. She was momentarily dazed by the setting, and was having a hard time processing everything that was happening, and so quickly.
Spencer noticed the far-away look on Ashley's face and reached out over the table to take her hand in her own.
"Ash, look at me…"
Ashley looked up into blue eyes and grinned a little.
"This is all a lot to take in right now, and I know that. Please step back if you need to, or talk if you need to, but don't shut down amidst all that is happening. I want you to remain focused on your recovery, okay?"
Ashley audibly sighed and turned her hand over in Spencer's, running her thumb across the top of her friend's porcelain hand.
"I just feel like there is so much happening at once, and if I'm honest, I would say that it's making me crave what I ought not want," Ashley revealed.
"I know, Ash. When things get hard or confusing in our lives, it's easy to turn back to the habits that numb us," Spencer replied. "Trust me, I know that all too well," she quietly added.
"Spencer, will you tell me more about you right now? I just want to focus on something else for the moment."
Spencer offered a soft smile to the girl in front of her and merely nodded.
Pulling her hand back and placing it in her lap, Spencer took a deep breath before talking about her life.
"Well, I graduated college in 3 years and went straight back for my Master's degree for the following 2 years. All work and no play made Spencer a dull girl, that was for sure, but I was so focused on school," Spencer explained.
"I had a serious girlfriend for a couple years, but that ended about 9 months ago," Spencer went on.
"What happened with your girlfriend?"
"Well, she….umm…she just kinda moved away," Spencer started. "Her job was taking her elsewhere and I guess I didn't fit in that picture with her," she explained. "Guess it was kinda Karma, you know?"
"Why do you think it was Karma? Karma that she left?"
Spencer nodded, "Well, yeah, seeing as I moved away from you like you didn't have a fit in my life."
"Oh come on Spencer, you can't even compare those two. We were way younger, and didn't really have a choice like now."
"I know, I know…I just…I don't know, I guess I felt like I was being paid back or something."
Ashley looked at the strawberry she held between her fingers before placing back on her plate, "Spencer, you know that's not true. If this chick left for some reason unknown, she needed to figure her shit out anyway."
Spencer laughed quietly, "Yeah, maybe. Doesn't make it hurt any less though, you know?"
Ashley nodded her head in silent agreement; because she did know it wouldn't hurt any less…she knew first-hand.
"Tell me about her…" Ashley whispered out after a few minutes had passed.
Spencer looked up from her half-eaten sandwich and was met with inquisitive eyes.
"Umm…Ash," Spencer started before being cut off.
"No, really, please tell me. I just…I just want to know about her," Ashley replied
Spencer sighed, looking out the window of her office, trying to gather her thoughts to talk about the only other girl she's loved.
"Her name was Emma," Spencer started, "She and I met during my last year of Graduate School. She was complete her Master's in Journalism and I was in the Psychology program."
Spencer stopped briefly, a small smile taking up residence across her lips. Ashley stared at her, wondering if she really wanted her to continue telling her about this girl she so obviously loved.
"We met at a little coffee shop close to campus, where I was studying for a test. She needed a place to study, and I was at a table for 4, so she asked if she could share the table with me," Spencer reflected.
"Was she cute?"
"Yeah. Yeah, she was really beautiful…beautifully simple," Spencer stated.
"It sounds like you really loved her," Ashley bashfully admitted.
"I did, but she didn't believe in me enough, you know? We had ups and downs, just like any relationship, but I would have thought she would have included me in her future plans without just leaving without giving me a choice in the matter," Spencer stated.
"Did you ever tell her about me?"
Spencer turned to face Ashley, gently smiling at her before taking her hand and pulling her up and away from the table.
"Let's sit over here on the couch, it's more comfortable," Spencer explained, after seeing how Ashley looked confused at her sudden change of pace.
"Umm…okay," Ashley said, "Are you just trying to avoid my question?"
Spencer tilted her head and smiled at Ashley before reaching out to tuck an out-of-control brunette curl behind her friend's ear.
"I'm not avoiding at all, just wanted to be close to you while we talk about this. Is that okay," Spencer asked.
"Yeah, of course. I just…I don't know…I don't want to you feel like you HAVE to tell me this stuff, you know?"
Spencer nodded in understanding, but continued on with her confession.
"I told Emma about you around the 3rd month that she and I were together," Spencer began, "I had mentioned you many times in the prior months, and one night she just told me to spill all of the details."
"I bet you told her how shitty I was, huh?"
Spencer laughed, "No, not really. I kind of told her that you were my first love and I had had a really hard time letting go of those feelings. Except, I think she and I both knew that I hadn't really let go."
Ashley sat back on the couch, tucking her legs under her, getting comfortable while listening to Spencer talk.
"Looking back now, I can see that it probably bothered her to know that I still had a piece of my life and heart reserved for someone else," Spencer admitted.
"Why do you think you held on all those years," Ashley inquired.
Spencer pursed her lips and shook her head, "Letting go just wasn't an option."
Ashley nodded, knowing that feeling all too well.
"I know what you mean. I had a volatile relationship with Macy, and even though I loved her, there was always a part of me the still wished for you," Ashley said, looking down at her fingers that lay intertwined on her lap.
"I guess the love I had for her, coupled with the anger I still had about you leaving, gave me an excuse to numb myself, you know?"
Spencer nodded, encouraging Ashley to continue.
"But your addiction…Spence, your addiction doesn't seem to be based on that kind of thing. What happened with you?"
Spencer sighed, shifting a little uncomfortably in her seat, which didn't go unnoticed by Ashley.
Running her hand across her forehead, Spencer tried to gather her thoughts to talk about the one person in her life that always made living so difficult.
Noticing Spencer's inner turmoil over this topic, Ashley reached over taking Spencer's hand in her own lightly tracing little circles on the top of her hand.
"Spencer, it's okay if you would rather not talk about this. It's obvious that it is a hard topic for you."
"Yeah it is hard, but that's part of recovery…you face those hard times and remember to talk about them even after you are able enjoy sobriety. Otherwise, you'll end up right back where you were to begin with."
Ashley smiled and shook her head, "When did you get so smart, Carlin?"
"Oh, it's all book smarts…don't kid yourself, Ash," Spencer laughed in return.
"So tell me about Paula Carlin, Spence. What did she do when you came out?"
Spencer scoffed, "You know my mom, Ash: devout Catholic, member of the PTA, adulterer…but all-around-goody-goody."
Ashley couldn't help but giggle at Spencer's aloof response, until it sunk in that she said adulterer.
"Wait a minute; she cheated on your dad?"
Spencer nodded her head, her eyebrows raised and mouth pinched in a thin line.
"Wow. I never would have pegged her for a cheater."
"Yeah, me either…but she was. She and dad divorced my freshman year of college because of her infidelity."
Ashley just sat stunned.
"You know what's so ironic about the whole thing, is that that she crucified me when I came out. Telling me I was filthy and was going to hell for my sins…yet she was cheating on my dad. What a hypocrite, you know?"
"I'm really sorry Spencer," Ashley offered.
"No, don't be. I just…I hate that she took me away from you, treated me the way she did, but led a totally different life away from us. It just hurt. I never felt good enough, or smart enough, or worthy enough after she damned me for coming out."
"How was she about Emma?"
"She was sweet as pie when others were around that accepted us, but if we were alone, she was preaching to us both about our sinful lifestyle," Spencer said. "It got to the point that we stopped seeing her at all. We would have dinner with dad every week, but never saw my mother anymore."
"What about now? Do you still talk with Paula?"
Spencer could feel the tears starting to burn her eyes, but tried so hard not to let them fall.
Ashley could see the hurt in Spencer's eyes and shifted her body over closer to Spencer, pulling her in to a hug.
"I'm sorry Spence. I can only imagine how much this hurts you," Ashley soothed.
Spencer clung tightly to Ashley's shoulders as she let the sobs run their course through her body. Her sniffles started to slow down some and she pulled back just a little bit.
"I'm sorry, I just miss having a mom, you know? A mom that loved me for me, which apparently, mine doesn't do," Spencer choked out between her sniffles.
Ashley wiped the tears away that managed to wind their way down Spencer's cheeks.
"Spence, you are a beautiful, intelligent, successful, beautiful woman…you should be proud of that…and know that your dad is too," Ashley offered.
Spencer laughed.
"What's so funny?"
"You said I was beautiful."
"Well? You are beautiful."
"You said it twice."
Ashley grinned to herself, "Well, you are twice as beautiful as anyone realizes then, Spence."
Spencer pushed Ashley's shoulder, grinning, but couldn't take her eyes of the girl in front of her.
Ashley leaned forward, pulling Spencer towards her by one of her hands.
"I'm gonna kiss you again Spence, so if you don't want me to, you need to pull back now."
Spencer smiled at Ashley, closing the distance between them, allowing their lips to meet once again.
Feeling the warmth of Ashley's lips on hers made Spencer moan immediately at the contact.
She pulled Ashley closer to her, running her tongue lightly across the brunette's bottom lip, being granted immediate access.
The feel of Ashley's tongue against hers was amazing. So soft, so warm, so delicate. Their tongues melted together as one, no issue of dominance in which to deal.
Ashley pulled back slightly, moving her kisses across Spencer's jaw line, as her blonde beauty tilted her head granting her better access.
Ashley hovered near Spencer's ear, kissing her lobe before whispering a soft I love you, hearing Spencer's breath hitch almost instantly.
Spencer couldn't control her hands any longer, as they stroked down Ashley's back, while Ashley continued to kiss and suck on her neck.
She could feel Ashley's skin under her fingertips and felt electricity soar through her body at the warm contact. She allowed her fingertips to run up underneath the brunette's shirt on her lower back.
Needing to feel her lips again, Spencer pulled back, guiding Ashley to her lips once more. Sighing into the kiss as it became languid, and soft.
Needing to breathe, both girls pulled back slightly, resting their foreheads against the other.
Ashley's hands rested on the sides of Spencer's face, while Spencer's rested on the Ashley's lower back.
Spencer felt reality starting to set in again and reached up to her face, covering Ashley's hands with her own, before removing them and holding them in her lap.
"Ashley…"
"I know, Spence. I know. You still work here, and I'm still a patient. This is a no-no…regardless of how right it feels."
Spencer smiled, hoping Ashley truly understood.
"You know that I want you, Ash. So much. I just…WE just need to slow down a bit, focus on you, and figure out where we are going to go from here."
"Just promise me you're not going to leave me again, Spencer."
Spencer leaned in, placing a soft, lingering kiss on Ashley's lips.
"I'm not going anywhere baby, at least not when it comes to you. Now work, that may be a different story," Spencer sighed.