AN: Thanks for the reviews, everyone! After this only the epilogue to go. Hope you enjoy!
Harm's apartment
North of Union Station
1738 hours local
Harm's arms encircle me the second he closes the door behind me. Doesn't say anything at all, just holds me close. I exhale. Inhale. I'm safe here. I know that. Nothing can happen. This is safe. He is safe.
After a while Harm steps back from me. Looks into my eyes. "Tea?" he asks.
I nod. After a therapy session I don't need to talk. Harm gives me all the space I need. If I want to talk, I can talk; if I just want to sit there and don't say anything, that is just fine too. "Yeah."
I unbutton my coat and hang it over the rack by the door. Walk over to the living room and sink down on the couch. This is my third month into therapy, and although things are certainly looking up, they still aren't where they need to be.
Harm joins me a few minutes later and sets the steaming mugs on the coffee table. Sits down next to me on the couch and pulls me close. "You okay?"
I nod. "I'll be fine. Things just got intense, as usual."
The first few times I felt like I wanted to quit; felt that Iris was digging way too deep. That she wanted to much of me. Now I know what she wants and why she wants it, and it doesn't scare me anymore. I'm just exhausted every time I come home.
Harm nods. "It's been that way for a while, Mac. Probably will stay that way for a little longer, too. But as long as you're making progress, it's all right, right?"
I pick my mug up from the table and blow in it. Silently nod. "I'm still making progress." I've learned to speak about me. I've learned to open up. "We talked about Joe today."
"Oh." It's the only thing he can think of, I guess. I surprised him with that. Knowing that I want to talk about the therapy session when I voluntarily talk about it, he keeps talking. "And what did you say about Joe?"
I take a deep breath. "That my insecurity started way back then. That I thought that I was unworthy of his love, because if I was, he wouldn't be drinking as much as he did. If my mother had had a daughter that he could love, he wouldn't have beaten the crap out of her, either. I started to project everything on myself."
It took Iris almost four sessions to let me open up about that. Because that was my main issue. If I had been worthy of any love, my father would've loved me. Would've protected me, would've been there for me when I needed him after my mother left. And he didn't. Wasn't.
Harm pulls me into his arms. "Is that why you're scared to let anyone in? Why you keep a whole lot of things to yourself?"
I sniff. "Harm, if my father didn't love me enough to stop drinking, if my own mother didn't love enough to stay and be there for me, who would? There wouldn't be anyone who would." The tears sting in my eyes and I angrily wipe them of my face. I've cried enough. I'm done crying.
Harm takes the cup out of my hands, sets in on the table and takes my face between his hands. "Sarah, look at me." His voice is stern. He knows it's going to be very hard for me to do that. So he starts again. "Look at me."
Taking a deep breath, I lift my eyes. And the only thing I read in his eyes is love. Compassion and so much more love than I ever could imagine.
"The fact that Joe didn't love you enough to stop drinking, doesn't say anything about you. It says something about his willpower, and his strength and his inability to love. But it doesn't mean that that makes you unworthy of his love. The fact that Deanne disappeared out of your life doesn't say anything about you, either. It says a whole lot about what kind of person she is, leaving her teenage daughter with her alcoholic husband. It means that she didn't know what to do with the situation, that she didn't know how to handle it. But it doesn't mean, and it never will, that you are unworthy of love. The fact that you haven't been loved properly before doesn't mean that there won't be anyone willing to make up for that. All you have to do is to let them."
The tears keep streaming down my face. "But…"
Harm puts a finger on my lips to shut me up. "I'm only asking for a chance, Mac. Are you willing to let me show you that you're worthy of love?"
My mouth is dry and I can't even form a coherent sentence in my head. I'm putting my heart of the line here. I'm risking it all. This is not how I've done it before. Trying to let people in and then start pushing them away before they got to know the real me. Harm is asking me if I want to let him in all the way.
This is the first time in my life. This first time in my life I'm going to let go of the idea that I'm not worthy of love. Harm is willing to show me. And I'm willing to let him show.
Without saying a word, I look into his eyes.
And nod.
TBC