Disclaimer:( No ties to L&OCI

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The Meaning of Life and Roller Coasters

Bobby's POV

I can feel myself slipping again. Eames and I were back in a groove again at work and at home Alex and I were happy, in love and expecting. I did of course screw up by trying to help out in a Federal investigation., but it was for Mike and Carolyn … I just chose not to tell her in a timely fashion. She chose to get pissed at me. Then the big blow came … Declan Gage. Yeah … he wanted to help me be free. I never told him that I married Eames … they hate each other … hate … a very strong word, the only word to describe that relationship. Why did I stay 'close' to him? In 1987 , he became my mentor in the U.S. Army's Criminal Investigation Command, I owe him my skills as a profiler … my worth as a man. Well that's how I see it. Alex sees it differently … but as I said, she hates him and she loves me. So, he teamed up with Nicole Wallace and killed my brother Frank then he killed Nicole and framed me, or tried, for the whole mess, while exposing who my real father was. All to get back at me for what he did to his daughter … bottom line. Hmm, bottom line … what he did to Eames … my Eames, my Alex. That man, that demented pathetic man … he would have hurt Alex if he had known we were married. He would have wanted me to be free from her. I need to know what free means. I'm slipping again … I don't feel free … I feel trapped inside my head. Here we are on our honeymoon … over due … and I'm stuck inside my head. As I'm unpacking, I see her lying there, hands on Baby G … she's sleeping and she's smiling. God I love that woman. I owe it to her to get out of my head, her and Baby G. I lie down beside her and we 'spoon,' I just need to hold her … nothing more, sometimes this contact is the most intimate. It's funny how she knows what I need … this is what I need.

"Bobby … Bobby … time to wake up. I ordered room service." She gently shakes my shoulder. I went years dreaming of waking up and seeing her face … I need to talk, I just don't know how.

"Hmm, oh … sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep. What time is it?"

"It's only six … you were tired … we fell asleep … no big deal. I needed the rest." She needs this romantic honeymoon, not a husband that's slipping into the abyss.

"What are we eating?"

"Eggplant and chicken parm … I couldn't decide, I thought we could share." I'd share my heart with her … actually … it's all hers … she may have to share it in about seven months.

"Sounds good."

"What would you like to do tonight?"

"Talk." The look on her face was priceless. I never talk … I try, but fail.

The one time I let her talk me into couples counseling, we end up going to Dr. Matthew Lovett … drug dealer. I wonder how that's going? If I call Mike or Special Agent Jose Dameda, Alex will lose her mind. Dr. Lovett … yeah right … should have known, 'love it,' the proof was right under our nose. A couple's counselor named 'love it,' that's like a porn star named fuckit. Should have known … I'm slipping.

"You want to know what being free means again … as if I know?"

"Not just that."

"It's like … the meaning of life … answer that and I'll tell you what being free for Robert Goren means." The meaning of life? Is she serious?

"No no no no no, with my finger waving at her, you have to tell me, I mean, not what it's like to be free but why you love me when nobody else ever did? I don't want you to hit me or anything I just want to know why we're such a perfect fit. I ask because the past two years have really sucked! So why us? I guess my question is about the meaning of life."

"Jesus Bobby … when you talk … it's deep. Kind of like the art you like … it makes you think."

"Ya know, you once told me that I was free for the first time in my life, remember, when you threw me off the train?"

"Roller coaster … the Goren Express. Yeah I remember."

"You meant that I was free from obligation … free to do as I please. You really had something there."

"No I didn't … well maybe … but we're married now, you'll never be free of me."

She always says that right thing, except that time on the opposite side of the glass, but then again, maybe I didn't say the right thing or do the right thing then either.

"No I mean the roller coaster … that could be the meaning of life. It sure has been my life. One gigantic roller coaster."

"Ah duh … why do you think I called you the Goren Express!? Everybody's life is a roller coaster … peaks and valleys and the fact that you had to raise yourself. You said it to Declan, your mother knew you could take care of yourself …was that fair? No… did it make you the wonderful human being that you are? Probably. To answer your question … why do I love you? Because you're the most incredible man I have ever known and the only man that I would consider having a child with, in fact, I've wanted to have your child since the first time I saw you hold Nathan. I know that you're hurting right now and your in the "valley" but me and Baby G will always be here … peaks, valleys, roller coaster, merry-go-round … whatever … wherever you are in life, we'll be there to help you through."

"You, me and Baby G, talk about a roller coaster. In seven months we're going to be the parents of a beautiful child."

"Only if she looks like me."

"What if he looks like me?"

"Then he'll be handsome and huge."

I can't stay in my head when Alex is around … sometimes at work … when she's Eames, I can, but Alex won't let me. What Declan said about me being free … this is it … loving my Partner and the world can know. I don't have to fear Nicole retaliating by hurting Eames or Jo … tongue-less comatose Jo. Sure, we have enemies but we're Major Case … they usually go away for a very long time. I am free and I know the meaning of life … it's a roller coaster ride and when Baby G is tall enough, with my height, probably around two, I'll take him to Coney Island to take him for a ride. For now, I'll make love to my wife and when we wake up in the morning we'll go hiking … imagine that … no gun … no body to sniff at … no perp to chase … no paperwork. I'm on my honeymoon. Eyebrows rise and fall multiple times.

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Honeymoonish stuff coming up ... coming and up ... key words! Hope you're liking this one!? please review. Thanks for reading, Judeey ;)