Dino swore. The negotiating team had done their best, but after five days, he knew that he wasn't going to get anything back for them. There was only one way this was going to go down… "Get me the team… They're going to need to go in…"
&
Dino cursed quietly to himself, the team had managed to get the information they needed to get Ortega out, but one of them had come down with some sort of viral bug and was currently introducing the contents of his stomach to the toilet in his hotel room.
"It's going to take Simone at least a week to get over this," the team leader had told Dino, which was why the red-head was now dressed in black and green combat fatigues and sitting in a helicopter. He had taken the decision to get Ortega out immediately, afraid that the situation would go even more pear-shaped.
"10 minutes to drop-off"
The call from the pilot set Dino's pulse racing, he hoped that he wouldn't let the team down. Granted, he was providing cover, not going in himself…. But things could always go wrong. For a fleeting moment, Dino told himself off for being a complete idiot, he was getting too damn old for this… An image of Eduardo floated into his mind, the last operation he had gone out on was to bring Gaby home…
He sighed, he could do with Eduardo next to him right now… That was one person he could count on if there was trouble, this team were good – but not as good as the Artemis teams.
"Time to go…"
Dino swallowed, for the first time in his life wondering if he'd done the right thing joining this operation. Damn, when he got home, he really was going to have to sort out his life…
&
Dino took cover behind a wall as bullets thudded around him, swearing, he noted that the rest of the team were all doing the same thing nearby. Ortega the hostage was a quiet man in his late forties, possibly early fifties, but the look he gave Dino was not one of frustration or fear, but calm acceptance.
Dino cursed, the operation had gone according to plan, until a vehicle had pulled up on the planned RV point and the team leader had had to call the helicopter to change the pick-up. The team had managed to get in and out of the camp without making a sound, but as they were making their way to the second RV shouts had been heard and they were soon running for their lives when a scout picked up the trail.
Moving quickly but quietly, the team were making good time and settled in to wait for their transport home. The next moment, it came into view and Dino sighed with relief at the thought that they would soon be leaving the area. The next moment they all watched in horror as a ground to air missile screamed through the air, turning the helicopter into a ball of fire which fell to the ground barely half a mile away from their position.
They didn't hang around for long, running as fast as they could the team moved away from the area, hoping to put some distance between them and the group that was following them. Now, they had to work out what they were going to do… Taking a quick look over the wall, he had to duck back when a round of bullets pinged around him. Damn…
&
Gaby screamed. Sitting bolt upright in bed, she shook with fear for a moment, until she realized that she must have had a nightmare and was able to calm her breathing slightly. She decided to get a drink – hoping that the short walk to the kitchen might calm her nerves. It didn't.
The images in her mind had been so vivid, she had thought they were real. She was about to walk back to her room when she saw the light on in the study, curious, she went to have a look and found her brother checking over some files.
"You're up late."
Eduardo glanced up and shrugged slightly, "I've got used to being up at night – just like you did. It certainly appeals, quieter, easier to work." Narrowing his eyes, he saw how pale Gaby was, "Are you ok? You look like you saw a ghost."
Gaby crumpled onto the couch at the side of the room, head in her hands. Eduardo was next to her immediately, "Sis? What's wrong?"
"I just had a really bad dream, it was all so real, a helicopter was shot down… Oh God… Are there any teams out tonight?"
Eduardo shook his head, "No, we're quiet at the moment… The next refugee escort is next week, everyone is taking a break. Gaby… Are you ok?"
Gaby shook her head, "I saw a helicopter being shot down over some mountains… An extraction team was trying to get a man out… It was so real, I could even hear the shouts and gunfire… and I saw men… running… I saw…" She stopped, her eyes opening wide, tears beginning to run down her cheeks.
Eduardo wrapped his arm around her sister, feeling how cold she was, Gaby was not one to make things up, nor was she prone to having nightmares. This was something so new, so different, he knew that it had terrified her, he had to get her to talk about it – to get it out of her system.
Gently he asked his question, "What did you see…?"
Gaby sobbed, shaking her head, so Eduardo pressed her a little more. Gaby swallowed, "I saw a man with the team… running, being chased…" The tears came more strongly and Eduardo held her more tightly, almost scared to ask his next question.
"Who was it Gaby…? Who was the man?"
Gaby buried her head into her brother's shoulder, sobbing. "It was Dino…"
Eduardo felt his blood turn to ice; he had spoken to Terry a few days before and knew that Dino had gone to Chechnya to try and fix a negotiation that was going wrong. Closing his eyes, he prayed that Gaby's nightmare had not been a premonition. Holding his sister tightly, he gave her what comfort he could.
Terry put the phone down slowly, he had just received a call from their negotiator in Chechnya and heard about the helicopter. Their contacts were trying to find out if the team had been caught, but as yet there was no information.
Putting his elbows on his desk, he dropped his head in his hands, it was always bad to lose a hostage, worse to lose a team… but to lose Dino as well… Instantly Terry regretted the words he had said before Dino left, their last conversation face to face had not been good – and any contact on the phone had been tense.
A barrier had come up between them, their friendship was being tested to the limit. One thing Terry knew, it would never be the same again. He just hoped that he would have the chance to talk to Dino again, hoped that he and the team would find a way out of this mess…
Oh God, what am I going to tell Gaby?
&
Dino sighed with relief, the team leader knew the area well and they had played cat and mouse with the group chasing them for several hours and had finally lost them after descending into a small steep sided valley. He was amazed how resilient Ortega was, the man had not panicked once, nor caused any problems, immediately doing what he had been told.
Seeing Alberto beckoning to him, he walked quietly over to the commander, who was ex-Italian military and had done some special forces work for the UN before coming into K&R. He had worked his way through the 'ranks' of the extraction teams and was a superb medic, but Dino knew that it was the least of his skills.
Alberto gave Dino a concerned look and led him a little further away so the team and Ortega could not hear him. "I'm not going to beat around the bush boss… We've managed to lose the kidnappers, but now what the hell do we do?"
"We have three days rations each, and the nearest town is in rebel hands – we daren't risk going back there, they'll hand us right back to the kidnappers."
Dino sighed, "Options?"
Alberto took a map out of his pack, "Normally I don't allow anyone on my team to carry a map, but for some reason, I left this in my gear today…. Probably just as well… Now let's have a look."
Dino looked carefully at the map and almost swore to himself. How in the hell was he supposed to get home from here? However, as Alberto began talking about possible routes, Dino's old training clicked into gear and his mind started turning things over…
&
"South?" Dino raised an eyebrow at Alberto, "Is it possible?" The southern part of Chechnya was dominated by the Great Caucasus Mountains and the area was difficult to cross.
Alberto sighed, "At this time of year, yes – just. In winter you'd need a miracle to survive up here. We move in any other direction and we're at risk of being caught by the rebels. By going south, we can get into Georgia and hopefully Tblisi. The Embassy there will help us out due to the links that the Georgian government have with Europe."
Dino was not quite convinced, "How far?" he asked quietly.
Alberto gave him a half smile, "According to the GPS, we're only 30 miles from the border… After that, it's about another 70 to Tblisi, but hopefully we won't need to walk all the way…"
Dino's eyes rolled into the back of his head, 30 miles, in this kind of country – they would be lucky to clear the distance in three days. "Everyone goes on half rations. At least we don't have to worry about water… There are springs all over the place."
As Alberto briefed the team, Dino noticed Ortega listening intently and was curious. When the team leader had finished and asked for questions, Ortega looked keen, but hesitated.
"Mr Ortega? You have a question?"
The man nodded, "Will you be using the trail? It is a little dangerous you know."
Alberto and Dino traded looks before the team leader answered, "What trail? It's not marked on any local map."
The Spaniard chuckled, "I'm not surprised, apparently it used to be used by smugglers, but more recently, the rebels have used it on rare occasions to get people out of Chechnya and away from the military."
Dino began to feel more hopeful, "Do you know where it is?"
The man's smile faded, "Not exactly, but I overheard one of the guards say that it was near the source of the Arqun river. About four hours walk from here, there are markers guiding the way."
Dino looked around him. "I suggest we set up a camp and start out at first light. I want to approach this trail in daylight. How long will it take to get to the border Mr Ortega?"
"Border? I don't know, but in seven days, we can be in Shatili in Georgia…"
Dino smiled, "Mr Ortega, would you mind joining me for dinner? I need to ask you a few things if we are going to make this trip successful."
&
Dino settled behind the cover of some bushes, carefully watching the three men lounging around about half a mile away. Alberto had sent one of his men ahead to scout out the route and see if they could get around the guards.
From what he could see, the trail was little more than a goat track but the fact that it led them to a town on the opposite side of the Georgian border made it feel like a four lane highway in his mind. A slight noise made him turn and he smiled to see Alberto – a big grin on his face.
"My man has found a path – slightly higher than the trail – the two connect after about 3 kilometers. It will be enough to get around the guards."
&
Terry was getting worried, 24 hours had passed and there was still no news about the team. The negotiators could find out nothing and were preparing their things to leave. Chechnya was getting dangerous again and they would want to leave as soon as possible.
Mike had grabbed all of Dino's gear and kept it with his own, just in case. "As soon as we get word, I'll let you know Ter… but if things start getting worse, we're out of here – the team are on their own."
Terry had agreed with Mike's words, good negotiators were harder to find than extraction teams and for the moment he could do nothing else. He sighed and decided to put off the phone call to Gaby. After all, no news was good news… right?
&
Dino passed his canteen to Ortega so the Spaniard could have a drink. They had been walking for about three hours and were taking a twenty minute break, while the scouts checked out the area ahead. Dino had been gratified to notice that the team kicked into to the normal modus operandi for the situation – pairing up and working together.
Alberto kept himself a little separate as a good team leader should, keeping his mind on the big picture as well as the smaller one – though he would constantly check in with Dino to discuss what they should do next. As a result, Dino found himself keeping company with Ortega.
The man intrigued him, most hostages were shell shocked when rescued – clinging to their rescuer – which could be dangerous. Others were silent, almost numb, and had to be physically directed because they were not capable of registering what was going on.
Emilio Ortega was neither, Dino found himself studying the man carefully and revised his earlier opinion of the man's age. He was definitely over 50, but his steadfastness and stamina belied his age.
"What is it Senior Dino? I sense you have some questions…"
Dino was startled, surprised to have been read so easily by a complete stranger. "It's nothing Mr Ortega, just relax a little, we'll be moving on shortly. If you would excuse me a moment…?"
Ortega gave a slight nod and watched carefully as Dino walked away, his face a myriad of emotions. He noticed how the rest of the team showed him respect, but he was not the team leader. Ortega was curious, trying to work out the red-heads position in the order of things. He also noticed the pain and anger in the man's eyes and wondered what the story was behind them…
"How far have we come?"
Dino and Alberto were sitting on a log side by side and had just shared a meager dinner with Ortega, who was now settling down for the night. Alberto checked his map in the minimal light that they had and compared it to his GPS.
"Believe it or not, we've done really well, nearly 15 miles. Though the trail gets steeper from here and we'll be running on less energy, it helps a lot that were not fighting our way over bad ground."
Dino nodded and quietly moved away to settle himself down. Alberto was taking first watch and he would be taking the last. He wanted to make sure he had some sleep before then.
&
"It's beautiful, isn't it?"
Dino turned slightly and acknowledged Ortega as he sat down quietly. He had noticed the older man moving quietly around the camp earlier, getting water for the rest of the team, before moving towards Dino's position. As he received the canteen of water with a grateful nod Dino almost smiled, "I guess… But I've seen many sunrises like this and most of the following days did not end well."
"It doesn't mean that every morning will end badly Senor… You just have to believe that every day is a symbol of a fresh start. What you do with that day is up to you. Sometimes you have to do things that are not pleasant, but they are necessary… For the greater good…"
Pausing, the Spaniard took a good look at Dino' face, "Something tells me you have seen more of the unpleasant side of life Senor… That can weigh heavily on a man… Sometimes at the cost of his own self-belief."
Dino sighed, "You sound like a philosopher Mr Ortega…"
The older man chuckled, "Being alone as I was over the last six months gives you a lot of time to look at things… Analyse what you have done with your life…"
Dino gave him a sour look, he didn't have time for this… Yet Ortega's eyes held him to his place, almost forced him to ask the question. "So Mr Ortega, have you done well with your life?"
Ortega smiled, "I cannot say, I am happy, that is true, but I cannot judge. Only one being can make judgment on whether my life has been useful…"
Dino was confused, "You reminding me of a bible story Mr Ortega?"
The Spaniard chuckled softly before turning back to the camp, "Of course Senor… After all… I used to be a priest…"
&
Dino eyed Ortega warily, finding out that he had been a priest had answered a few questions, the man's acceptance of the situation for example, but it also made him more curious. He wanted to find out more, but backed off a little, Dino was not a person who liked to be preached to…
Emilio Ortega smiled softly to himself, seeing the battle going on inside of Dino. He could sense that the man needed help – though could not work out how he knew that – or if he could help. He had dangled the bait, now he just had to wait to see if Dino would bite…
Dino sighed, they had been walking for three days and the team was getting tired, lack of food was depleting their energy, though thanks to the fact they were following a trail, they were better than they could have been. Water was plentiful, but he could sense that the men were tense and hoped arguments would not start to come up as they became more tired and irritable with each other.
The exception was Ortega; the Spaniard was calm, almost serene. Occasionally sharing a few words with the team members, thanking them for their work, thanking them for getting him out of the camp, his presence certainly had a calming influence.
They were now working their way downwards slightly and Alberto had confirmed that they were in Georgia – well, according to the GPS they were. Dino felt a little happier, but would not be satisfied until they saw signs of civilization – friendly civilization.
A flicker of movement caught his eye, and he saw a rabbit sitting on his haunches. He lifted his rifle to take a shot, his mouth watering at the thought of fresh meat.
"Don't…" Alberto's voice stopped him, "The scout has spotted a couple of men, unless you have a quieter way of killing that rabbit, you'll broadcast our position."
Dino swore quietly, the only weapon that was quiet enough at that range would be a bow… The thought triggered off a memory that made him smile softly. He and Gaby had joined the Gauchos on the estancia one evening – they had been bringing in the cattle from the far pastures and had asked him and Gaby to join in the hunt for some food…
He caught himself, he hadn't thought of Gaby for a while and was surprised at how much the memory hurt. She had left him… behind his back… Whatever feelings she had for him must be gone for her to do that, he sighed, maybe he was destined to be alone. He did not notice Ortega watching him closely.
&
Terry couldn't help a smile slowly creeping across his face, "You sure Mike?"
"As much as I can be Terry, the rebel camp sent out a call to other factions that Ortega has been lost. They have asked for help from men experienced in the mountains to continue the search."
"They mentioned that he had 'help' from a six man team and want them all caught – alive. They seem to think that they can use them to negotiate a release of some people that have been imprisoned by Moscow."
Terry sighed, "Any ideas where the team might be?"
Mike answered in the negative, "Sorry Ter, if I dig any more it might compromise our position – me and the guys are pulling out. Most of them are heading for Western Europe, but I'm going to hang around a little. I'll be in Tblisi if anyone needs me."
"Why Georgia Mike?"
The negotiator chuckled, "From what I know about the way the rebels are organized, it was the best direction Dino and the team could take… If they can get to Tblisi, Simone and I will meet them somewhere – at least we have their passports…"
"Who will you contact? We don't have anyone there.'
"That's easy… Ortega's Spanish… The Spanish government have a resident there – based in the Turkish Embassy."
Thanking Mike for the information, Terry cut the line, gave a huge sigh and began to hope.
"So Mr Ortega, it seems we couldn't rescue you as well as we had hoped…"
The Spaniard gave a soft smile at Dino's words. The two men were sitting close to a small stream and had just filled the canteens of water. Both were showing the signs of exhaustion, but Dino couldn't help admiring the older man's fortitude.
"Believe me Senor, anything is better than that camp. Our rations may be limited, but at least out here I am free – even if we do not make it. Which I refuse to accept."
Dino gave a wry smile, "It must be nice to have a belief as strong as yours to keep you going… I have to admit mine is somewhat shaky."
Ortega smiled, "It is not my faith that keeps me going Senor… Yes it helps me to accept my situation, keeps me calm in the face of adversity, but it is not what keeps me fighting for my life – the will to live is something that every man has…"
Dino was intrigued, "Oh…?"
"Everyone has something to return home to Senor… Friends… Family… A partner…" At his words, Emilio saw Dino's face turn dark, his eyes full of pain. Placing his hand on Dino's, he sighed, "I am sorry, you have lost someone…"
Without thinking, Dino nodded his head, "Cass… We were due to be married… She was killed in an accident, along with our unborn child…"
"I am sorry for your loss Senor… It must have been recent for you to show so much pain…"
Dino was a little surprised by the man's words and shook his head, "No… It was about seven years ago… But I still think about her everyday…"
Ortega narrowed his eyes, slightly confused. The look in Dino's eyes was not remembered pain, but recent… There was something else that was going on. "And there has been no-one else since? Your loyalty to the memory of your partner is to be commended… I wish I could help you with your pain…"
Dino abruptly stood up and walked away, his mind in turmoil… There had been someone to help him with his pain… Gaby had helped him to heal, but never pushed, never said anything… Dear God… What had gone wrong?
As the group of men continued their journey, Dino began thinking…
&
The next break found them looking down into a lush green valley. They would not reach it until dark, but each man gave a tired smile. Alberto grasped Ortega by the wrist and shook his hand, "Thank you… For having faith in us."
Emilio smiled, "How could I not? You and your men came to get me out… It is the least I could do for that." Glancing around, he saw a troubled look on Dino's face. "Something wrong Senor?"
Dino pointed further along the valley, "I'm not sure, but we need to be careful… Smoke…"
Alberto looked up, smoke meant that people were near – but would they be friend or foe?
That night, they camped among some densely growing pine trees which provided both protection from the elements and a sense of security. Knowing that they were close to civilization helped Dino to relax a little, and he slept quite well considering the conditions, but an image floating through his mind startled him awake.
Looking around, he noticed that it was beginning to get light – the 'false dawn' that usually came half an hour or so before the true dawn depending on the part of the world you were in. Quietly he got up and went to relieve the scout on duty, though he still had more time to rest, he could no longer sleep.
The sentry nodded his thanks and returned to the rest of the team, thankful for a little more rest. Dino however could sense that he was not alone and was not surprised when Ortega joined him, "Early to bed, Early to rise Mr Ortega?"
The former priest chuckled, "Old habits die hard Senor… As you well know…"
Dino dropped his head, "So do memories…"
Emilio gave him a sharp look, the younger man seemed to be at war with himself, pain and anger flowing across his face, "Can I help?"
"I don't know, I don't think anyone can…"
"How about you start from the beginning? The very beginning…"
Dino sighed, where was the beginning? He thought about the day he met Gaby, but pushed the thought to one side. No, Gaby was not the beginning, Cass… No… She's not the beginning either…
Dino took a deep breath, his earliest memories began with Carol…
&
Emilio sighed, it had taken Dino about twenty minutes to talk about his first wife and their short life together. The red head had been burned, badly, and it was no surprise that he had taken his revenge on the women he had met later. Why did people hurt each other so much?
"So Mr Ortega, what made you leave the priesthood?"
The question made him smile, Dino had obviously found it difficult to talk about his life, not unusual for a man who had been a soldier and taken life – albeit at the orders from higher up.
He chuckled, "Can't you guess? There are those that say it is a weakness… I say that it is only a sign of weakness not to accept what the heart wishes… My faith has remained as strong as it ever was and I am delighted to say that I was able to share it with another."
Dino stared, "You have got to be kidding me… You gave up the priesthood… for a woman?"
"You sound surprised Senor… I am not the first, nor will I be the last… She of course was horrified at what I had done at first, but we could not deny our feelings for each other, and I refused to lie to my parishioners. They accepted me instantly as a member of the community and the priest that took my place is now one of my best friends – though he still cannot understand why I did what I did…"
"My wife has given me three wonderful children and she gives me so much more… Understanding, compassion… Of course we have arguments but that is the law of nature is it not… What makes us stronger is if we are able to forgive each other for our failings…"
Dino stared at him at first uncomprehending, Emilio smiled, "Come now Senor… Surely you of all people know the power a woman has over us men… When you think about it… They are most certainly not the weaker sex…"
Dino began to chuckle… The former priest had a point. Cass and Gaby had both held him in their thrall, though for different reasons…
Seeing the look on Dino's face, Emilio pushed him to continue his story…
&
The team paused, they had come to the location where Dino had spotted the smoke the evening before and had to be cautious. A quick scout around revealed a shepherd's shack, empty except for a wood burning stove and a shed.
Alberto and Dino conferred quickly, deciding to give the area some space, just in case the shepherd was friendly to the rebels, though it would have been nice to get some information. The fact that someone was here was enough indication that there would be a small town nearby.
Alberto lead the way down a well marked trail, though the team kept an eye open for other people, they would not be safe until they had reached a town of some kind. Glancing at Dino, he began to wonder what was on his boss' mind, for the last day or so, he had become detached from the rest of the team, lost in his thoughts.
&
Dino couldn't think straight… That evening they had once again camped under cover of the trees and finished off the last of their rations, breaking their weapons down not to frighten the locals, all of them hoping that tomorrow they would manage to reach a town or village of some kind.
Talking to Ortega had made him realize that Cass still dominated his thoughts on a regular basis and everything he did always carried an unanswered query to her ghost… Am I doing the right thing…? The answers never came though and he would feel her loss more than ever…
Oh God… Does Gaby know this…? Is this the reason why she changed…?
The thought hit Dino like a sledgehammer. Had he been comparing Gaby to Cass without realizing it? He couldn't tell. As his mind scanned back over the last couple of years, he couldn't see whether he had or hadn't and began to worry. Did I even love Gaby? Or had I just transferred my love for Cass into her…?
It was a question he couldn't answer.
&
Ortega watched the emotions crossing Dino's face knowing the fight that was going on inside the man's mind… He had been there himself when it was time to choose between the woman he had fallen in love with – and the church which had not wanted to let him go.
The bishop had asked him one simple question, "Who do you love? The woman…or the Lord?"
Emilio had agonized over the answer for several hours before coming up with an answer, "I love both, but I love Rosa more." The bishop had sighed and released him from the church with his blessing. Emilio hoped that Dino would also find an answer.
&
Dino could not find an answer, but in the afternoon of the seventh day, he and the team found a small village nestled into the foothills. Able to exchange a few things for food, the team felt better and continued down the valley, following the road.
The following morning, they were able to hitch a ride from an old farmer who took them to Shatili where Ortega was able to make a call to the Spanish representative at the Turkish Embassy.
That night, as they settled in for a night's rest at a hotel, Dino went searching for Ortega. The former priest looked better after a bath, a good meal and some clean clothes, closer to the diplomat that he had become after marrying the woman he loved.
"Emilio, I need your help…"
Ortega saw the helpless look on Dino's face and became worried, "I will try… What is it?"
Dino sat down on the edge of the bed in the hotel room and dropped his head into his hands. "I cannot see… I love them both… How can I ask Gaby to come back if I don't know if it is truly her I love…?"
Ortega pulled a face, how could he help Dino see whether it was Gaby he loved… Or if he just needed her companionship… A surrogate for the loss of Cass… an idea came to his mind.
"Lie back and close your eyes Dino… There is something I did in the camp when I felt at my lowest ebb… It gave me the strength to continue…"
Dino did as he was told, curious as to what Emilio would do.
Ortega took a deep breath and willed himself to relax, he had been through the exercise himself while he was captured, and it had helped him to keep his hope for the future. He didn't know if it would help Dino.
"I want you to see images in your mind – do not put a face on the woman who has to join you in these images – just the hair and remember the blue eyes… Characteristics that they both had in common, hopefully by the end, you will know which woman resides in your heart in the present."
"And if it is Cass that I see…?"
Emilio sighed, "Then it is up to you to explain the truth to Gaby… It would not be fair on her otherwise…"
Dino swallowed and fear gripped him for a moment, but he knew what Emilio said was true. Taking a deep breath, he knew he had to see the truth for himself too… "Ok… Lets do this…"
&
Emilio began carefully, "You live in New York… Imagine a spring day – the buds on the trees, the sun brightening everywhere, you are walking in Central Park with your partner, the two of you laughing and joking, enjoying a quiet afternoon together."
Dino gave a half smile, he had done this several times with both Cass and Gaby – it was a favourite way to spend a rare Sunday afternoon off… He was about to say something when Emilio continued.
"The scene is changing, a winter night out… To the movies, you've been watching a comedy and the two of you are still chuckling… You grab a late night meal in a quiet restaurant… There are a few other customers, but you are oblivious to them, you only have eyes for the woman sitting opposite you.
Emilio shifted scenes several times, Dino had now stilled on the bed where he was lying, almost hypnotized by the man's quiet voice as it rose and fell weaving a story that held Dino in thrall. The former priest took a deep breath, though he had never needed it for himself, it was a shift to the last image that he hoped would help Dino to realize which of the two women he kept in his heart…