Misa's Sorrow

XOXOXOXO

November 29, 2007

She was let in without any problems, the doors opening remotely to permit entrance. She was used to the mechanical whirrings of gears turning and locks clicking. Everything looked and felt the same until she entered the main investigation room. It looked so bare, the monitors removed from the walls, the filing cabinets missing, and even the coffee maker had been stripped away. The place had also lost its atmosphere of camaraderie that was usually found in a well-lit workplace. Probably because half the lights were not in use. Misa found herself wondering if the cameras were still functioning as well.

There wasn't much left in the room: a small couch behind a little coffee table, a plain looking chair next to that. It was also oddly bare of people, not the busy little hub of the Kira investigation like she remembered from the days when Light and Ryuuzaki had been handcuffed together. No Light, no Light's father, not even Matsuri/Matsuda, her manager/police officer. Now, there was only one other person in the room, Misa saw. Near the long table that had housed the computers was a wheeled chair, in it sat a lumpy figure with a blotch of red floating above his head. It was misty in the way that meant he was alive, but without his face, she couldn't make out the characters.

He sat on the desk chair, his back to her, and she couldn't see his legs. They were hunched up under him, a lot like Ryuuzaki had always been. Was he really alive? Her eyes darted above his bushy head of black hair trying to make out the words.

The chair swiveled around to face her and she was confronted by Ryuuzaki's soulless black eyes. It sent an unmistakable chill of fear down her spine. Something was wrong, out of place. He should have been dead; Light had told her he was dead. Her eyes, drawn downward to the dark depths of the detective's now rose over his head again.

L Lawliet, she read to herself. Of course. That was his name; she had seen it before, right before she had been arrested. How could she have forgotten such a strange name?

Now, where was Light? She knew she wouldn't forget it again, not now that she knew how much was riding on her ability to remember it. Ryuuzaki's true name would be like an extra gift for Light, after she told him of her condition. It meant that their child would live without the threat of the creepy detective.

Except… Misa blinked rapidly. Why didn't L Lawliet have a lifespan attached to his name? Obviously she didn't know how to read the numbers to judge time, but the absence of them at all was disturbing. That should only occur if he had ownership of a Death Note….

"Miss Amane, will you please have a seat?" Ryuuzaki gestured politely to a seat next to her. He stood from the swivel chair and slouched his way closer to her, his bare feet slapping the hard floor gently.

"Okay," Misa replied, unable to think of anything else to do and no reason to deny the detective's request. She lowered herself onto the couch and waited. Feeling her muscles start to tense, she checked her nails to give herself an air of calm and relaxation. Where was Light? Shouldn't he know that she didn't want to be left alone with this creepy pervert?

"When can I see Light?" Misa asked, the words tumbling out of her mouth as L climbed into chair opposite her, folding body nearly into a pretzel.

Ryuuzaki shook his head, but his eyes never left hers, almost as if he were rotating his head around his sunken sockets. "Light is dead."

She blinked, uncomprehending. Light was… dead? Her heart skipped a beat before she realized that Ryuuzaki had always loved playing mean tricks. Recovering her usual demeanor somewhat shakily, she forced herself to smile at the monochrome man across from her. "Don't be silly, Ryuuzaki. I'm not that gullible."

"Last night, Light confessed that he was Kira." The abruptness of his statement caught Misa off guard, and she counseled her eyes into returning back to their normal width. No, Ryuuzaki would say this, of course he would. He was testing her, trying to discover if she and Light were the first and second Kiras. Even though Ryuuzaki was scaring her, she had to be strong; she couldn't fail Light.

She worded her response carefully, letting her acting skills take over. She needed just the right amount of confidence and bragging to fill her sentence. She met Ryuuzaki's opaque eyes confidently, pursing her lips in the way she had done a thousand times before when he had accused her of being Kira. "But he couldn't do that because he's not Kira. Misa knows because she lives with him."

"Light confessed and then he died of a heart attack," was the only reply.

"But if he were Kira, he wouldn't have died of a heart attack," Misa retorted, joyous in finding the hole in Ryuuzaki's logic. Honestly, being the great detective he was supposed to be, shouldn't he have been able to figure that one out? There was no way she would believe Light was dead because of that. Misa wasn't as stupid as everyone seemed to think she was.

"The Death God Ryuk killed him."

Misa's reply died on her lips. The detective should not know of Ryuk. That must mean… Light was… Light had been… Light….

"No," Misa whispered, her blue eyes widening, yet she unable to see, "No. No. NO!" She screamed at the detective, her reply working as both a denial of Light's death and of his deathly profession. He couldn't be dead… not Light, not when he was going to marry Misa finally… this was all wrong. Where was Light to save her from this terrible Ryuuzaki?

"You are the Second Kira, Misa Amane."

"NO! Where's Light?! You're lying!" But she knew he wasn't; she was the Second Kira. But was he telling the truth about her lover? Why wasn't Light there? He probably would have called her or come home last night if he could. He wouldn't have allowed a situation like this to ever happen. She leaned in closer to the detective, her voice hysterical as if she had been possessed by a vengeful demon. "Let me see him!"

"Miss Amane, please calm down."

"No! I want to see Light! Where is he?" Eyes darting wildly around the room, Misa stood from her chair shakily. Her heels clicked on the floor as she took a few steps towards the stairs. The room swam around her, the familiar places where she and Light had seen each other now cold and dark. Had that been the reason Ryuuzaki hadn't turned on the lights? Denial continued to batter against the gut-wrenching truth. Light couldn't be… he had to be here somewhere; she just had to find him. She had been the one to find him first, so long ago, before they had been imprisoned, before Light had joined the investigation… she simply had to do it again. She needed to find Light. Ryuuzaki must be keeping him locked up in a dungeon somewhere. That nasty, horrible, terrible Ryuuzaki; she had to go rescue her Light.

"Obviously, he's not here."

Misa wheeled on the crouched figure, her temper flaring. Alarm bells began going off in her head—she shouldn't be showing her anger—but she flew by her inner codes of morality. She needed Light, biting off her question in the direction of the dark haired foreigner. "Then where is he?"

"I suppose… he is… nothing, now."

It was final. Misa knew what was supposed to happen to the users of the Death Notes. And if Ryuuzaki knew as well… had he witnessed Light's murder? Had he goaded Ryuk into killing her beloved? It was too much. Misa burst into tears and sank to the floor, in a sobbing heap.

"I-I- don't believe you," she tried, but even she knew she didn't mean it. "Just give Light back to me… please, Ryuuzaki,"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that." He must be completely heartless, she realized. He had killed Light. And he had said they were friends… the detective didn't move, impassive as his heart of black obsidian. From her place on the floor, Misa could only cry harder as world collapsed around her.

Light was gone.

Never would she hear his velvet voice telling her how he loved her or how she was his goddess. She would never see his perfect lips smiling as he swept a stray bit of hair back behind her ear. She could no longer slide her hands under his dress shirts, teasing the buttons apart so she could lean her head against his bare chest, listening to his heart. His beautiful chocolate eyes would never soften as he looked down at her so that she could see her own reflection suspended neatly inside him as he was inside of her.

Light, and everything that had made him Misa's god, was gone.

She was ripped from her world of misery by a sudden movement. Her teary eyes tried to focus, and she looked up to see the pale detective holding Rem's notebook, the one Light had been using. He set it down on the coffee table in front of him, and then reached into a briefcase that he must have already set on the table without her noticing. The pale, malnourished man pulled out a single sheet of paper, sliding it across the table to where Misa had been sitting.

"I need you to sign this confession that states you are the Second Kira. I also need you to give me the Death Note you have been using since I released you." His hand slunk back into the briefcase and produced a red fountain pen. It looked like something Light would have used. Another tear skated down her cheek, skirting her cheekbones for the path of least resistance.

"What's going to happen to me?" she asked, still hiccupping with the occasional sobs that refused to quit.

"Honestly?" Ryuuzaki's expression had never changed, his cold dark eyes hard on her form. She felt pitiful when she nodded up at him, but knew she had no choice.

"You will most likely receive the death penalty."

Death? For as often as she had knowingly dealt it, Misa had never believed the day would come when she would face it herself. What would happen if she died? Would anyone notice? Her fans would, of course, but—

Terror plucked a discordant chord within her. No, oh no, she couldn't die… not with… not with… Light's child.

"But… but… you can't do that!" she cried out, throwing a hand reflexively to her stomach. The maternal instinct hit her strong, her love for Light and whatever was his forcing her to protect her belly.

Ryuuzaki's eyes widened for a moment, the first example of a true expression she had ever seen from him, and it was focused on her hand. His dark eyes then shot to her face, his expression unreadable. Misa gulped in sweet air and salty tears, waiting. There was a long pause, filling only by the sounds of her sorrow.

"Is there any reason I can't?" He articulated each syllable very carefully. His expression was still an indecipherable mask.

"I-" Misa began, turning her eyes down and sniffling, "I wanted to tell Light first." She paused, gathering her thoughts. It wasn't fair that the first person she had to break the news to was Ryuuzkai. "I'm—"

The sound of ripping paper cut off the rest of her pronouncement and she glanced up quickly. It was the unsigned confession. Ryuuzaki had… ripped it apart? The man continued to shred the pieces even smaller, only adding to Misa's sense of bewilderment and confusion that accompanied her loss. She was afraid, desolated, abandoned already… now what was happening? He wasn't going to make her sign her own death warrant?

"Miss Amane, where is the other Death Note?" The hunched detective made it sound more like a statement than a question. Of course he knew she had it… but it probably wouldn't be very long for him to find it, but…

Misa wiped at her face, smearing her hastily applied make-up, but perhaps she was finally understanding what Ryuuzaki was doing. Would he save Light's child?

"In the apartment…" she answered slowly, watching him with sparkling eyes filled with her only hope, "You're not going to kill me?"

"You will discard the notebook."

XOXOXOXO

She did it for Light, for his child, so that it could grow up with at least a mother, if not a father.

"I discard it."

XOXOXOXO

November 30, 2007

"Misa." Sachiko answered the door, a handkerchief still held near her face. Her eyes filled with tears as she drank in the sight of the teen idol in mourning. "It's thoughtful of you to stop by. Come in."

Misa nodded deeply, and slipped off her shoes just inside, placing them neatly on the floor facing towards the door. Straightening up, she took a steadying breath and followed Light's mother into the sitting room.

"It's Misa," the older woman said as the model rounded the corner. The heavy atmosphere of grief was stifling in the small room. Souichiro simply held his head in his hands, and Misa could almost see the man berating himself for allowing his son to participate in such a dangerous case. Sayu Yagami sat on the couch, her feet tucked up underneath her and clutching a pillow. The soft green fabric was stained darker with her tears. The high-school girl looked up, the ghost of a smile crossing her lips for a moment, before she looked away. Misa knew how she felt; meeting someone else's eyes was so difficult when she knew she was mere heartbeats from crying again. There was something vulnerable in letting another person see into her eyes, like they could read her innermost thoughts, recognize her deepest pain. It was only worse when that person also felt that pain.

"I'll make you some tea," Sachiko said, touching Misa's shoulder for the briefest of moments before heading into the kitchen.

"Thank you," Misa whispered, unable to trust her normal speaking voice. Simply being here, surrounded by Light's grieving family was almost too much for her to bear. She sat quickly, and gripped the fabric of her black skirt over her knees, bowing her head.

Why did Light have to fight against Kira? Why, why, why would Kira have killed her Light? He had been such a wonderful man… perfect, even.

The tears fell again, making faint splashes on her white knuckles. Misa felt Sachiko enter the room, another presence to share in the anguish. How it hurt, ached deep into her soul.

"Have some tea, Misa," Sachiko said gently, holding out a freshly poured cup.

Misa took it carefully, trusting her hands more than her tear-distorted sight. She let out a choked sigh, squeezing her eyes shut tightly for a moment. It was now or never, she thought.

"Mr. Yagami? Mrs. Yagami? And Sayu…" Misa began, drawing their attention one by one. She looked them each into their woeful eyes, searching their souls through the glimpse and finding that it so resembled her own scarred spirit. "I have… something to tell all of you."

It was harder than she had thought. Misa swallowed a sob, and bit her lip. She couldn't cry it out just yet, she had to get her point across first. She had to tell them… Light's family waiting with expectant and profoundly sorrow-filled faces. She owed this to them… owed it to Light….

"Before—" Misa began and then realized she may never finish if she started that way. She took a heaving breath, staring down at the backs of her hands. "No, it's that… Light and I… we never married…."

Misa glanced up and then realized she couldn't withstand the force of the compassion held in the eyes of Light's parents. She felt the tears begin to stream down her face. It was too much, she missed Light too much.

"I never got to tell him," Misa managed to speak, even though her voice was breaking. Her heart was breaking, had broken, was gone, gone like Light. She brought her face up to look imploringly at Sachiko and Souichiro, and saw her own tears of loss mirrored on their older faces. The model shook her head, blond hair shimmering among the reflections cast by the light off her face. She bit her lip, eyebrows wrenching together, her face a beautiful painting of utter despair.

"I'm going to have his child, and… he never knew…." Her hand finally found their way to her face and she let herself go, crying as hard as she could. She was relieved to have finally told them, but still, it was…too much. It was all too hard right now. She hadn't wanted Light to leave her; she didn't want to be alone. Nine months… it was all too much. Hiccupping sobs became panicked gasps for air; how had she ever expected to survive without Light, let alone raise the baby?

Distantly, she heard the sounds of Sayu's sobs growing louder, and felt more than heard Light's mother move next to her. Sachiko's arms gently enveloped her, a warm comfort. It was like having her own mother back again, rocking Misa slowly back and forth as she cried about the silly, inconsequential things of girlhood. Misa didn't want to stop crying, because if she did, she might have to do something, to face something, to stand up and act like an adult. Sachiko was murmuring into Misa's blonde hair, her breath a small comfort in itself.

"Even amidst all of our grief and death… you… my daughter… can bring us joy and life." The woman choked on the words, and Misa felt the same constriction in her own throat that kept her words down and only allowed her to cry and nod helplessly, spilling tears onto the woman's shoulder.

For the first time, Misa felt a tiny blossom of hope. Even without Light… though it was certainly her beloved Light's lingering presence that made it possible… even alone… Misa did not have to be alone. Underneath her pain and the emptiness that had filled her chest when Light had left it torn open, she found the tiniest bud, the smallest flower of faith.

Though Light was not with her, though he could not be with her, through him she still found her salvation. Though she could no longer have that perfect family with Light coming home to ask how their child was doing in school, and giving Misa a peck on the cheek before scooping up their running child in his arms… though that life was no longer Misa's… she still had a family, through Light.

Misa suddenly felt another pair of arms, and blinked wearily. Sachiko moved to make room for her own daughter, embracing the two equally as Sayu's head softly thudded against Misa's.

She let out a shuddering breath, trying to expel her grief. She tried to pull in something else with her next breath, something familiar and warm. Something she remembered faintly, and as she felt Sachiko's arms tighten around her, Misa remembered. She remembered the feeling of unconditional love, and suddenly perceived that feeling was here, too. For her, for this family, for what they all shared for Light.

Misa cried again and again, with her family, and without them. She would always miss Light, she knew. She knew there would be days when she would watch the rain slide down the window and cry, or walk into Light's room and sit on his bed without realizing that hours passed as she did so. But she also knew that she carried a future with her, not just within her expanding belly, but within her mind and memories as well.

She could love, and was loved, and she was going to do more than survive. She would live, for Light's family, for her baby, and for herself.

It was what Light would have wanted.

XOXOXOXO

So, many thanks to Tobi Tortue, who I made rewrite the ending in better detail because she and I didn't like the original very much and she rocks like that. Other than that, this chapter is rather much the same. Thanks for reading and please read a review!