A/N: Holy crap, what's the deal with this new uploading milarky!? It's left me completely baffled. I want the old way back :(

Oooh! Anyone who likes this story should go out and buy 'Snow White and the Seven Samurai' by Tom Holt. I bought it last week and seriously... man people will think I completely stole the idea! It's even got a werewolf old lady in a cottage! And Rapunzel has an uzi! Seriously though, it's an epic book. Really funny. Buy it. (i should get royalties for plugging lol)


Chapter Nineteen

Relevant Attire

'The grass is wet. The hem of my dress is going to be positively ruined.'

Ashley was still recovering from her near strangulation. She had practically squeezed the life out of her on the way down, and the only reason that the princess had loosened her grip was because Ashley informed her that if she passed out due to lack of oxygen on the way down, they were both likely to die. Finally they reached the bottom and it didn't take long for the complaining to start.

'You could have told me what the weather was like,' Rapunzel sulked, trying to gather up her dress so it wouldn't skim the dewy grass. 'I could have dressed accordingly.'

'I did turn up covered in wet mud,' Ashley croaked, still rubbing her reddened throat. 'That could have given you some clues.' She glanced around and sighed. 'Well it looks like Arnie finally wandered off, which means I have no idea how to get to the castle.'

'Poppycock,' Rapunzel snapped. 'Where could he have gone? He won't be far at all.' She took in a breath, and the noise that left her lips next caused a flock of birds to take off from the surrounding trees in panic. 'Coooo-eeee!'

Ashley clamped her hands over her ears and cried out. 'Holy Christ!' she cried. 'Only dogs should have been able to hear that!'

Rapunzel sneered at her. 'That'll be why you could hear it then.'

Ashley narrowed her eyes and was about to fire back when there was some disturbance in the foliage to her right. She looked around, not bothering to rise from the rock she sat on, and watched as Arnie galloped through the bushes and skidded to a halt in the clearing.

'Ooooh!' Rapunzel squealed in admiration. 'Isn't he lovely?'

Arnie took a moment to regard the two females, and then straightened his neck and stuck out his chest proudly. 'Why yes. Yes I am.'

Ashley stood up, frowning. 'Where the hell were you?' she demanded.

Arnie's jaw dropped and he rolled his large eyes. 'Oh yeah, I go and stretch my legs for five minutes and that's frickin' sacrilege, but it's okay for you to flounce around in a princesses tower getting your hair straightened.'

'She wouldn't let me straighten her hair.' Rapunzel said, as if it were of major importance. 'She's a bit moody actually.'

Ashley breathed out heavily through her nose. If she had been an ice dragon, everything within a five-mile radius would have frozen solid. 'Can we get going now? I think we've wasted enough time.'

'Well if I remember rightly,' Arnie said, cocking his head smugly. 'It was you who insisted stopping to see what the tower was all about. I reckon that if you had just listened to me we would probably be there by now.'

Ashley shot him an angry stare. 'Thanks for that, Arnie,' she replied. 'That helped so much.'

Rapunzel strode towards Arnie, her head held high and her dress gathered up in her hands. Arnie watched her dubiously, and then quickly trotted out of her way when he realised she was going to mount him.

'What do you think you're doing, missy?' he demanded. 'I'm here for directions, not bloody transport.'

Rapunzel stared at him. 'Ahem… missy? Do you have any idea who you're talking to?'

Arnie snorted. 'Someone with their panty-hose pulled up too far apparently. I couldn't care less who you are, I'm rider free on this adventure. You should have got yourself some appropriate footwear, 'cos it's going to be a bit of a hike.'

Ashley watched worriedly, knowing that the princess was not going to react very well. There was a moment where everything was silent; the birds stopped singing, the air fell still. The calm before the storm, if you will.

'I'm Princess Rapunzel.' Rapunzel informed the horse. 'And I order you to carry me.'

'Lose yourself twenty pounds and we'll chat, love.' Arnie replied nastily.

Rapunzel's mouth dropped open. 'My God!' she exclaimed. 'What sort of rescue duo are you both?!' She looked around to Ashley, who shrugged in response. 'First off she isn't even a man and you!' She glared at Arnie angrily. 'I'm going to have you made into dog food when all this is over.'

Arnie sneered back at her. 'Is that what you eat for breakfast, eh? I thought I could smell something on your breath.'

Ashley sighed heavily and stepped between them before Rapunzel had a chance to launch an ear-splitting attack. 'This is getting us nowhere,' she told them. 'We need to get moving. Can't you just walk, Rapunzel? And is there a shorter version of your name because that's going to get old real fast.'

'You call me by my name.' Rapunzel hissed. 'You're lucky I don't make you address me by my full name and title.'

'What's that then?' Arnie asked in a light, slightly mocking tone. 'Princess Rapunzel Wide-Hide the First?'

'Dog food!' Rapunzel snarled at the horse. 'And I'm going to make sure you're still alive when they toss you in the grinder!'

'Right, that's it.' Ashley sighed, turning away. 'I've had enough of this. I don't need either of you, I'll find the bloody castle on my own.' She began to head off and waved over her shoulder at them. 'Toodles. I wish I'd never met either of you.'

'Wait.' Rapunzel sighed resting both hands on her hips. 'It's suicide to go up to that castle without any protection.'

Ashley stopped and turned back to them, intrigued by the comment. 'Okay then. So what do you propose we do? Tie one of your stilettos to a stick?'

Rapunzel ignored her. 'I have equipment in my cupboard.' She stated, pausing to pick something out from beneath one perfectly manicured nail. 'Armour, swords; that kind of thing. They would probably come in handy.'

Ashley stared at her. 'And you didn't think to mention this while we were up there?'

Rapunzel cocked an eyebrow. 'Well I thought I would be on the back of a horse the whole time. You know, sitting off to the side while we watched you run to your death.'

Arnie nodded appreciatively. 'I like that idea. Can we just do that?'

Ashley rubbed her forehead. 'But that means climbing all the way back up that bloody plait and…' She trailed off as she looked towards the tower and noticed something drastically different. Just to the right of the dangling braid, there was a beautiful, quaint oak door. Flowers and various cute woodland animals were carved into it, and there was a gleaming brass doorknob in the centre of it. She blinked at it for a moment, and then looked back to the princess. 'Tell me that wasn't always there.'

Rapunzel sighed. 'You really know nothing about this place, do you?'

Arnie snorted. 'You have no idea,' he told her. 'She went banging on the big bad wolf's door earlier. Nearly got herself eaten. And she sat chatting to a sodding tree for God knows how long.'

Rapunzel shook her head. 'Are you even from this planet?'

Ashley shrugged. 'Well actually…'

'Whatever,' Rapunzel interrupted. 'Once the princess is safely out of the tower the door reappears, along with the staircase. Now you can go up, get the stuff and bring it back down again, without the aid of my… my hair.' She looked briefly sorrowed at the mention of it.

Ashley peered up at the tower. Even with stairs it looked like a hell of a trek. 'Do you think we'll even need armour and stuff? The Doctor will probably be around somewhere and I don't think he'd really approve of swords and-'

'Oh for crying out loud!' Rapunzel wailed. 'You're never happy! Just go up and get the bloody swords. And while you're there get me my dark green leggings and my white casual shirt. There should be a dark green beret style hat in there somewhere also. And a pair of white flat shoes.'

Ashley frowned. 'Get them yourself.'

Rapunzel sighed again, this exhale almost harsh enough to blow down the tower in a way that would make the big bad wolf proud. 'If I go back in there the tower will seal up.'

Ashley considered this for a moment, and realised that it made sense. She nodded, reluctantly, and approached the tower. 'Right. Well if those clothes aren't at hand I'm just going to grab anything, you hear me? I'm not raking around for ages.' She pushed open the door, which opened easily. 'And we're leaving as soon as I get back, okay? No more setbacks.'

She passed through the doorway and mounted the steps. She heard the door click shut behind her and instinctively glanced back. She stared glumly at the patch of wall where the door had been just a moment ago, and breathed out heavily in exasperation.