It takes me a moment to gather myself, not really prepared to see him standing there in my doorway. He wants to talk to me? Why?
"Uh, sure," I say and step aside to let him into my room. "Come on in."
His gaze flickers hastily around my room before settling on me once again.
"Thanks, but I shouldn't disturb." His face sets in what I recognise as a hardened mask. "I just came by to say that what... what you heard Sideswipe say... it's not true."
Huh? I guess I'm looking like a total fool, because I have no idea what he's talking about. What Sideswipe said... oh. Wait. Before I get the chance to interrupt him he hurries on, looking distinctly uncomfortable but determined not to let it show.
"I just wanted you to know that I am not interested in you. Never have been. I–" He flounders for a second, having blurted out the words at a speed that would rival Blurr. I can't really believe what I'm hearing. He's not interested? Then why the frag have people been telling me so? Why did he react the way he did in the hallway earlier? It doesn't match up. I try to wrap my mind around it and fail miserably.
My silence seems to make him more nervous, for he simply nods to himself. "Yeah, uh, that's all. See you." He turns to walk away, but this time I won't let him. I grab his arm, stopping him. I'm still slightly off-kilter from the mixed signals he's been giving, but this time I will not let him just walk away and leave me in confusion.
"Let go," he says, struggling in my grip.
"No. I want to talk to you. I want to understand what's going on here."
"There's nothing to understand!" he says, raising his voice. "Let me go!"
"Not until I've gotten the chance to talk to you." I try to keep my hold on his arm, but it's getting increasingly difficult as he's doing whatever he can to dislodge me. I don't want to hurt him in any way, but I will not let him leave either. However, he's not easy to hold, and I don't want to risk him start yelling or something. After all, we're out in the hall where anyone could see us, and if just one nosy little bugger on this ship gets wind of this we won't get any rest for a long time. Some mechs here like to gossip a little bit more than what is really healthy for them.
Getting rather tired of the whole thing, and certainly not in the mood to make a scene in the hallway, I yank his arm suddenly, making him lose his balance. He staggers for a moment, and that is all I need to drag him inside my room and shut the door. As soon as the door slides shut I release him, watching him back off into the far side of the room, looking absolutely shocked and not a little angry.
"This... this is an assault on a superior officer!" he shouts, but I can't help seeing the uncertainty in his face. I don't know what to make of that, but I intend to get a few things straight before he leaves. The last few days have been confusing enough; I don't need any more in my life.
"Oh, shut it," I simply say. "Listen, I just want to know why you act like this. A few hours ago you seemed hurt like slag because I said I didn't fancy you, and now you try to tell me that you've never been interested? I'm sorry, but I don't believe you."
He stares at me for a moment, looking longingly at the door behind my back, the only way out of my room.
"What do you care?" he says bitterly. "You said it yourself, you don't care about me."
"Oh come on, I never said that." I look at him across the room, seeing him cross his arms and avert my gaze. "And what I did say... well... I just wanted to get rid of Sideswipe. I didn't mean it."
He looks up in surprise, the facade dropping from his face for a moment, only to quickly be replaced with suspicion.
"You didn't mean it," he deadpans, frowning at me. "Then what did you mean?"
That throws me for a second. I find myself floundering for an answer, trying to explain... explain what? I'm not sure. What did I mean? That I do care about him? Well, of course I do. I care about everyone here, damn fools they might be. But do I care more than that? It gives me a headache to think about.
"I– I don't know," I say. I can tell it does not impress him.
"You don't know?" He sounds incredulous.
"Listen, I just want to know what you're doing, because frankly, at the moment you're confusing the pit out of me!" I find I'm raising my voice a bit, and am a bit embarrassed as I realise it's because I don't know how to answer his question. Easier to try to get this back to be about him.
"I don't know what's so confusing about me telling you that I'm not interested." He looks away, face set.
I feel like screaming. Damn stubborn mech! I take a step towards him, which makes him try to back up more, but the wall is in the way. I see him jump minutely as his back presses up against the wall, door wings flared to the sides. He looks at me like some cornered animal as I take another step, invading his personal space.
"All I want to know," I say in a low voice as I place my hands against the wall, trapping him between my arms, "all I want to know is the truth. If you're not interested, then why have you been acting like it, obvious enough for others to notice?"
He says nothing, simply averts his gaze and pursing his lips, looking for all the world like a sulking child. Primus, I want to wipe that stupid frown of his face. It makes him look ridiculous; it has no place on his face. He'd look a lot better if he didn't make silly faces. In fact, if he could just take a bit better care of himself and smile a bit more, he'd look rather good...
I shake my head, trying to remember what I'm doing. I move my left arm a little bit closer to his head, enough to make him acknowledge me again.
"Tell me", I say and he raises his head slowly, opening his mouth to speak but before he can say anything he shuts his mouth again and looks away once more. And I suddenly realise that he's afraid. The damn fool is afraid I will push him away, or laugh at him for being so bold to dare to be interested in me, or get angry with him. Suddenly his vehement denials make sense. And suddenly I know what to do.
I heave a sigh and briefly shut my optics, and when I open them again I lean in close to him.
"Hey... Smokescreen, listen. It's okay to be afraid. But don't throw... this, away because of it. If you don't try, you'll never get what you want." He looks at me, surprised, so very close. If I just leaned in a little further we'd touch. But I don't. Not yet. I don't want to force him into anything. "Because..." I falter for a moment, almost surprising myself with my words, "because if this is what you want...maybe I can give it to you."
I can almost see his CPU working feverously, trying to process my words. I wait patiently for the coin to drop, for him to understand what I'm saying.
"You–" he starts, lifting a hand to my face, hesitating inches away, as if he's not sure he can touch.
"I won't promise you anything yet, but if you really are interested in me, I'm, well, I'm willing to try." I cock my head slightly, giving him a small crooked smile. "I really hope you are, because otherwise I've probably made a damn fool of myself right now."
That makes him laugh out, a short carefree laugh that I am thrilled to hear. He smiles at me then, bringing his other hand up to trace the side of my face.
"No," he says softly, almost too low to hear. "No, you haven't."