Fate's Garden
Part 2 - Fox Den
Chapter 5 - Why?
Naruto ran. He ran and ran and ran. His large paws carried him all the way to the edges of Konoha and past them till he reached the greater depths of the forest surrounding the village. His fox mind was making his grief jumbled. He panted and wheezed and whined. Whimpers grew in his throat until he yowled. He trotted about the area, sometimes quickening to a run and then slowing down to a sluggish lumber. It was as if he couldn't stop moving. The sounds emanating from deep within him never ceased either. His fox brain was telling him that he had lost something, and since these feelings of sadness were caused by his mate his brain said that he had lost his mate. He had lost his mate? No! Instinctively his paws scratched at the ground, his back paws kicking up dirt to bury a deceased mate that was not there. He couldn't stop. Eventually as he moved away from the 'burial site' there was a small ditch and next to it a pile of unearthed soil.
This form was comforting for him, but at the same time it over simplified his anguish. It was as if his fox mind was taking the problem away and hiding it somewhere. He had to find it. He resumed his trotting, kicking up dirt as he went, while crying and yowling. When there was a gap in the fox mind's control he forced himself to shift forms. He lay bare upon the forest floor, his human mind regaining control of his thoughts.
He'd thought that they'd somehow gotten over that. Naruto had no idea now how he could have thought that. They weren't past it, they'd merely ignored it. They'd acted like it was old times, back when Team 7 first started. They'd pretended that Sasuke hadn't run away, that he hadn't killed him and they pretended everything was fine. Everything was not fine. All this time he'd held it in, his real feelings about his death. When he'd finally admitted it all, Sasuke hadn't said a word. He might as well have gotten up and left the room, for all he cared. Naruto could see it on his face, he didn't care. He was probably laughing at him by now. Why did things have to be this way? Why couldn't he have just died for real? Why did he have to be stuck with Sasuke still in some world where he had no real comforts? No refuge to run to, so he could escape from the constant torment of his life.
"Milord," a tentative voice called.
Naruto sighed witheringly, "Yes, Kane?"
"I don't mind if you stay out here, I know you and the Lordess had a fight, but don't forget you have meetings in the morning at ten."
"No, it's alright Kane. I'll come back with you."
"Are you sure, milord?"
"I'm sure."
Naruto shifted into his fox form and stood to face his housekeeper. He liked Kane, his memories told him that other Naruto did too, and always had. He was respectful, intuitive, and above all: organized. If it weren't for Kane, Naruto wouldn't be able to remember anything while he was in the human world. He offered a meek smile to the heron before loping out of the forest and back to the house.
Sasuke was just finally getting Sakura out the door when he heard the dobe climb in through the study window upstairs. He'd been thinking about what Naruto had said. Eventually the feeling of numbness had worn off. He'd woken from his 'sleep' and taken a step back from the situation. If they were back in their real life how would he react to the dobe's sermon of surrender and anguish? If he knew Naruto was serious, which he was, Sasuke knew this now because he'd actually died. What would he have thought? He decided that he would most likely be angry first. Naruto didn't get it.
When he'd 'run away' as it were, he did not do so to become some terrible villain of the utmost evil. Sasuke, for the most part considered himself neither good, nor bad. All he saw was power, and he wanted it so that he could achieve his goal. He could admit to himself now that he went a little tunnel-vision. He hadn't seen the broader picture at the time. The truth of it was that he didn't really hate his genin-team, he couldn't say he loved them, or liked them. But he was attached to them; in an immensely annoying, frustrating way…he was tied to them. He supposed that somewhere down the line if he truly had reached his goal and killed Itachi he might have been willing to return home, if they would have accepted him back. He hadn't thought about what he would do after killing his brother. Well, he knew that he wanted to restore his clan, but he hadn't thought so much about his second goal as his first. When he really looked back on it, his planning had been absolute shit.
But Naruto hadn't seen it as a mean to an end. He'd seen it as a betrayal and abandonment. Sasuke knew that his mind definitely functioned differently from Naruto's. It was something he was proud of, most of the time. During their battle at the valley of the end Naruto and he talked almost as much as they fought. A lot had been said that if Sasuke had a second chance he might have changed slightly or not said at all. Most of the things he told Naruto that day were to get him to go away, to give up, and to stop pestering him and let him continue on towards his goal. He hadn't wanted to kill him or really hurt him that much; he just wanted to be left alone. But Naruto wouldn't leave him alone. Naruto wanted to break his legs and take him home because they were brothers, and rivals, and the best of friends. Sasuke had to disagree.
They weren't best friends. At least, not in Sasuke's point of view. There was no word for what they were. Sasuke knew that Naruto was important to him, he knew that. Naruto was Naruto was Naruto. He was what he was, and he would always be there. That's what Sasuke knew; it's what he accepted, and what he really believed. It was this concept that he'd thought on so heavily while Sakura babbled incessantly during dinner. Sasuke realized now that somewhere in his head while he'd been off on his mission to gain enough power to kill his brother had been Naruto. He'd not actively thought about the dobe but he'd been there. He'd thought that he would be there when he'd achieved his goal; that he could come home and there he would be. But Naruto didn't just stay home and wait, he followed him. He chased after him until finally he found him. Then Sasuke killed him, or, as the dobe had corrected him, Naruto let Sasuke kill him.
For some reason Sasuke hadn't thought that it would hurt Naruto that much, to leave and pursue his life's ambition. He'd overestimated Naruto's understanding. Sasuke knew that Naruto was his…something, his something important. He knew that Naruto knew this too, and that he would be okay. But…whereas Sasuke said whatever he wanted and didn't take it too seriously, Naruto heard every word and saw it as something important and meaningful. When Sasuke said anything he could come up with to make Naruto go back to Konoha and wait for him there, Naruto took it as Sasuke betraying him and running away to get away from him. But that wasn't it at all!
Sasuke sighed and bade Kane goodnight. The heron nodded and eyed him wearily as he climbed the stairs. Sasuke had to talk to Naruto and make him understand. They were going to be together for all of eternity weren't they? They might as well get along, and understand each other. Sasuke shuffled down the hallway and opened the door to the bedroom he shared with Naruto. The dobe had changed into his pajamas already and was lying motionless in their bed.
"Naruto-"
"Save it Sasuke. I'm fine. You don't have to-"
"Save your self-pity for later and listen to me Naruto." The dobe sat up straight and glared at him but otherwise said nothing.
Sasuke breathed deeply, preparing himself for a long conversation, "I thought about what you said, yes I heard you, and no, I wasn't agreeing with you when you just got up and leapt out the window. I just didn't know what to say."
"Believe it or not I didn't leave Konoha just to hurt you, and I wasn't betraying you or anything else remotely tragic."
Naruto was still tense, defensive, and he snorted at Sasuke's words as if he was lying to try and trick him. Sasuke was really getting annoyed with him so finally he just snapped.
"Quit it, alright? Will you just let me finish? Or are you honestly so certain that I don't mean any of this?"
"How can I know you mean any of it, Sasuke? Really?"
"You trusted me once, try and remember how." He bit out.
Naruto settled himself against the headboard, arms crossed over his chest. He waited.
"I left because I had a goal to reach. It wasn't for anything other than that. I wanted to be stronger so that I could, that's it. When you followed me, I saw it as you getting in the way of that. So I did everything and said everything I could to get you to leave me alone."
"You didn't mean any of that? The whole cutting your ties thing? All of it?" The disbelief in Naruto's voice was overwhelming. It reminded Sasuke just how much Naruto listened to what he said.
"No."
"Listen…I know that you think I hated you or just didn't care or something equally as pessimistic. But that's not true. It's not that I cared…it's different. You're…you're important to me." Sasuke stumbled over his words and scowled. Why did this have to be so difficult to explain?
"So why did you keep up the whole apathetic act huh? At every turn…"
"You kept following me!" Sasuke snapped, "I was trying to get you to just go home and wait for me!"
Naruto's eyes widened and Sasuke froze. There it was. The truth was out. Sasuke stared at the wood floor in humiliation. This whole thing was idiotic. Well, it was the dobe he was doing this for. It shouldn't be surprising that it was stupid. He didn't know why he had to say all of this. Naruto was so hung up on what he said and did, he couldn't just accept that maybe Sasuke wasn't out to get him. He couldn't possibly think that Sasuke would come home after he had accomplished what he'd set out to do.
"Sasuke, why did you have to leave to get stronger? Why couldn't you have just stayed?" Naruto's voice had a note of pleading to it, like he was begging him, "I would have helped you."
"I didn't want your help. I needed to do it on my own. I wanted to avenge my clan."
"Sasuke…"
"Why couldn't you have just waited? Why did you have to come after me? I was going to come home for you! I was going to have to leave eventually to find him so I could kill him. I left so I could get stronger faster and get it over with. The sooner I left and grew stronger the less time you would have to wait. But no, you just had to follow me, and stop me and make it take longer. It was always about you, always!" Sasuke had no idea where this was coming from. He'd started to pace. His face was wet with tears he hadn't even noticed he'd shed. His jaw hurt from clenching and every part of him was tense.
"You wanted this, you wanted that. You wanted me to stay with you, and I was going to! I was doing everything I could to do what I had to do in the shortest amount of time to satisfy you!"
"Sasuke-!"
"But that wasn't good enough! You had to follow me; you had to be with me and help me and make it all better! I didn't need you to make it all better, I had everything under control! I was fine!"
The tension in him was building and building. He paced faster back and forth in front of the bed. The tears were coming more and more and he couldn't see anything anymore. He wasn't even forming coherent words; he was just screaming and sobbing. Naruto was calling to him, Sasuke could see him getting out of the bed and moving towards him.
When he was right in front of him Sasuke saw his arms reaching out to hold him. Sasuke wrenched back a fist and rammed it into Naruto's jaw, sending him reeling backwards.
"Why did you die?!" He yelled. He couldn't stop saying it. "Why did you die?! Why did you die?! Why did you die?!"
Naruto recovered from the punch quickly and enveloped him in his arms. He repeated the question over and over until he was hoarse. When he'd finally exhausted himself he collapsed against Naruto, who picked him up and carried him to bed.
Sasuke woke to an empty room and the most overwhelming exhaustion he'd ever felt. The sun was pouring in through the window, and the clock on the bedside table told him it was nearly noon. The pitter patter of feet told him the staff had long since awoken and started their daily chores. He slipped out of bed and shuffled over to the door. His hand was resting on the doorknob and he wondered if it would be worth it to go downstairs and get an apple. He was sorely tempted to follow Naruto's example from last night and just leap out the window.
Last night…Sasuke shut his eyes tight and flinched at the memory. So much of what he'd said he hadn't known he'd felt. The words just kept coming and he didn't know how to stop them, and he was surprised when he realized that he didn't want to.
Shaking his head Sasuke opened the door and looked back and forth down the hall. The coast was clear. He hurried down the hallway and down the stairs. He made it all the way to the door to the kitchen without being noticed. But one look in the kitchen told him his mission was a bust. The room was full to bursting with the cooks. If he went in there they'd all try to make him breakfast. He didn't really want a big extravagant deal, he just wanted an apple, some fox milk, and maybe a fresh rabbit cooked over a fire. The chance of him getting that from the cooks was slim to none. He inwardly groaned and headed for the front door.
He was intercepted by Kane who delightfully told him that he was supposed to get ready and go to the hospital so that Tsunade could examine his vocal chords. Sasuke narrowed his eyes at the heron, not remembering when this had been arranged. He grimaced as his memories told him that he'd gotten Tsunade to agree to alter his vocal chords so they matched Naruto's demon form's. So he could talk both fox and human. Sasuke nodded and went upstairs to get ready.
The rest of the week went by in a blur. The actual surgery on his throat to change his vocal chords happened on their third day in Konoha. Tsunade said that she had enough information and that they needed the most recovery time in the village that they could get. That way they could know for sure things had gone right in the surgery. When he'd first tried speaking fox with Naruto it had been strange. Like he'd thought it wasn't just another language it was an entirely different way of speaking, of moving your mouth and forming sounds. He knew that it would be hard that eventually it would be second nature like it was for Naruto. But at the moment, consciously having to switch between sets of vocal chords felt strange and was very difficult.
And then, aside from all the political mess and interacting with the villagers, Sasuke had to deal with the awkward tension between him and the dobe. Sasuke was ready to go back to normal, he wanted to. But it seemed like his meltdown had shaken Naruto more than Naruto's had Sasuke. It was bothersome because when Naruto felt awkward, he unconsciously made sure everyone around him did too, so that he wasn't alone. While they were in the village it was mostly tolerable because they could distract themselves from each other. They had other things to do. But the date for their return trip home was rapidly approaching. Sasuke wasn't looking forward to three days alone with an awkward dobe.
TBC…