Chapter 13

Roy and Johnny turned to make a dash for the emergency entrance doors. Brackett's voice stopped them. "Guys, hold on one second. Dix gets County on the radio and tells them we are going to need a chopper. Then find Morton, I want him waiting and ready to get on board. He'll know what equipment I am going to need." He then brought his attention back to the paramedics. "I'm going with you." Although they were both grateful to have him there, the very fact that he was 'needed' scared them.

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A.J.'s mind was wandering, as her body refused to regain consciousness. The fogginess was more tolerable than the pain. People always say to think happy thoughts, so that was what she was doing. Any thoughts about Johnny were those of warmth, love and safety.

Her mind centered on one in particular, the night where she truly surrendered herself, emotionally and spiritually. There was a secret that she had buried deep with in her soul for over 10 years. No one, not even her family knew what she had hidden or the scar tissue it had created.

They were lying on the over sized cough in her living room. She always cherished those moments where there was no talking, just him holding her. They had been dating for almost five months. She knew that people in their lives had presumed that their relationship had blossomed into a physical one. Partially because of the length of time they had been seeing each other and partially because of the reputation that Johnny had.

"Johnny....can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, why do you think you need to ask?" He sensed there was a lot more to her inquiry.

"Do I make you feel like you have done something wrong?"

"NO, where is this coming from?" He half sat up behind her, looking into her green blue eyes he could see storm clouds of fear and something else he couldn't place.

"You have never tried to try anything beyond kissing me...."

"I always had the feeling that you didn't want me to" Was he wrong?

"Have you ever wondered why?" She had one last chance to change the subject and not reveal this to him. No, enough was enough; he deserved to know the truth.

"Yes, but I trusted that you would tell me when you were ready." He had at first been concerned that it was something he did to make her uncomfortable but that just didn't make sense. He knew the guys would never believe it but sex was the not the only thing that ever thought about. He was willing to wait for her to trust him enough to talk about it.

"I want to be honest with you....something happened a long ago, something that changed me forever."

Johnny was angry, not at her but whoever hurt her enough to cause this obvious crippling pain. Whatever it was must have been horrible to cause her to hide it from everyone who cared about her.

"You know I spent most of my summers on the reservation with my father's family, mainly my grandparents. It happened the year I turned sixteen. You see on east and west borders of the reservation were two small towns. The one towards the east had some nice, friendly white people. The man who owned the general store was always nice to my friends and I, he would even give us some penny candy." So far she seemed more relaxed, as if relaying a childhood adventure.

"The adults always told us to never go into the other town. We were always told that the people there hated Indians. There were all kinds of stories about what they would do if they saw an Indian coming into town. As children, it scared us silly, so we never went near town or even that border area of the reservation. That summer we were feeling all grown up, we were teenagers. One of them bet me that I wouldn't go into town and go in and buy a soda. Of course being me, I took the challenge." He felt her stiffen slightly in his arms.

"So I walked out of the wooded edge border and started towards town. I was feeling very confident. I had been studied in different martial arts since I was eight years old. I walked right into the general store and asked for a soda. The man gave me icy stares but sold me it to me. I was so happy, I had won the bet." She had a small wry smile on her face but her eyes were telling him something else.

"Then as I was walking back to the reservation, a pick up truck came up from behind me. There were three white men inside, they started slowly driving along side of me, taunting me, calling me a dirty squaw and other names I had already heard from better people. Then they sped up, stopped and blocked the road. They got out and asked me if I thought I was better than they were...." She shivered and he tightened his arms around her like an invisible shield between her and the memory.

"I ran into the meadow, hoping they would be satisfied with scaring me...I was wrong...they got back in the truck and came after me." She took a deep breath. "They circled around me, they said that just because I had blue eyes, that didn't make me white, I was just a half breed squaw." This time she felt Johnny stiffed, he had heard that adjective too many times before.

"They started grabbing me; they were high on LSD or something like it. I nailed them with punches and kicks that should have laid them out flat. Instead it was like they were batting away a fly. Nothing I did affected them, then they pinned me to the ground." Tears welled up but stubbornly refused to fall.

"They ripped my shirt open and yanked down my shorts....I couldn't stop them....they took their turns raping me, sodomizing me....then came back for seconds...." She was subconsciously leaning into him, circled up into the fetal position, rocking back and forth as if it would defend her from reliving the nightmare. "Then they just stood up, got back in the pickup and left me lying there in the middle of no where." The tears were now flowing down her tanned cheeks, it was summer and her skin tone had darken a couple shades more than his own.

His rage was at a boiling point, he would kill them if he could find them. "Dear GOD, how had she kept this to herself all these years? The sheer agony that she pushed herself to deal with!" He willed himself to control his tone and body language. She needed his support right now. "You never told anyone?"

"As I was walking back home the Sheriff drove up and stopped me. He asked what I was doing off the reservation, like I had escaped from prison or something. I told him that I had been raped and I could identify the ones who did it, that I wanted to press charges. He looked me right in the face and laughed! He said why would any white man even want to touch me, much less rape me!" The tears were now spilling down her cheeks as her voice strengthen with rage and pain. "Even if he did arrest them, who was going to believe a half breed Indian? The horrible thing was that he was right....."

"Why not tell your parents or grandparents?" He had never met them but from the way A.J. talked about them fondly, he knew they would have been there for her.

"Why, what would it have accomplished? It would have only enforced their belief about most white people. They would have been enraged and probably done something stupid, which would have made things worse. I was ashamed, and felt like it was my fault....if I had listened and not gone into town." She finished softly.

"Baby, you did nothing wrong! You have every right to be or go anywhere in this world! No one EVER does anything to deserve that!" He turned her face towards him to make sure she understood. It was then that sobs started to rack her body. She clung to him like he was shelter in a raging storm. He didn't speak, knowing his actions were what she needed more than mere words.

They simply lay there for several minutes, Johnny cradled her gently, allowing over a decade of pain, shame and anguish to flow out of her. The sobs were coming sporadically now, lessening in intensity. During those minutes he began to think about why she had blocked any progression in their physical relationship.

She started to speak again, once she could get control of her voice. "I went out with a few guys, once and a while but only for one or two dates. Most times when they realized quickly that they were getting any, they wouldn't call again. I would fight not to flinch if he wanted to hold my hand or his hand around my waist. I would go into a panic attack if it surprised me. I'm sure I out right frightened some of them. I was always afraid of any man, unless it was family, touching me in any form."

"Do I ever scare you?" Suddenly his worst fear was that he had innocently added to the problem.

"NO! Johnny you have to understand, that is what was, is different about you! From the beginning, I wasn't afraid. I wanted you to take my hand and hold me next to you. When you kissed me the first time, I thought I was going to pass out because it was so incredible. I never knew that it was supposed to be that way." She relaxed when she saw the corners of his smile turn upwards ever so slightly.

"My body wants to be with you; sometimes it aches not to have you touching me. I am afraid that if I try, I won't be able to finish what I started. That would hurt you in so many different levels. I couldn't bear that."

"Johnny, I have never been physical with anyone, by my choice."

"Oh my word! The only experience she has is that horrifying day! No wonder she is so timid, and afraid!" His rage for those SOBs surfaced again. No...he had to control himself and make her understand.

"Baby, listen to me closely....you know I will never push you to do anything you don't want to. Whenever you feel like you want to try, then and only then will anything happen. If you want to stop, we'll stop. I promise you, it will happen when you are ready and not before. You could never hurt me."

They spent the night together in bed asleep, with him gathering her towards him in a protective embrace. When morning came, she awoke with a feeling of redemption. It was as if a ten ton weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She thought about what he said the night before. The thought of anything or one having control of her, brought instant fear. She wanted to scream in frustration, then an idea appeared in her mind.

She kissed him passionately and he awoke with a start, as he responded in turn, he looked afraid of hurting her. She sat up, smiled and said, "Let me drive."

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The memory of her rape of course didn't bring comfort. However, remembering how she had bared her soul, and opened herself up to him did. They had melded into something that neither one of them could really define.

The fog was beginning to lift, she could hear a familiar voice calling her.

"A.J.....A.J. can you hear me?"

For any reader who would care to read the extension of this chapter that is more of a rated R version of their first time together email or send me a message and I will send it to you. As always please leave reviews!