The big chapter...

Sorry for the long wait, but I had some other things to sort out. I had to work quite much, I stayed at a friend and I had a birthday.

Anyway, this is the next chapter and I think the one most of you have been waiting for. I enjoyed writing it, though it was quite hard. I hope it turned out okay. Please tell me what you think!

And again, thanks for the reviews, and it's not mine.

They sat down in a corner, JJ with her back against the wall. She knew Emily wanted it that way to reassure her she was in control, because from JJ's point of view she could see almost everyone in the room. Despite her not being a profiler, she'd picked up on a few things from her colleagues, and some common sense did the rest.

They ordered and JJ kept silent, not wanting to talk besides the necessary. She waited for Emily to speak, but for the first few moments all Emily seemed to be able to do was eat.

"Didn't have breakfast this morning, I'm pretty hungry," she said when she saw JJ looking at her. JJ nodded, a brief smile gracing her face. Emily was happy to see JJ could at least still smile, though she knew she was terrified of what would come.

Finally, she looked up from her sandwich. JJ was eyeing her warily, having hardly eaten from her own lunch. "Guess this is it, huh?" she said, sounding nervous.

Emily nodded. "Would you rather want me ask questions or just tell the story?" She knew that approaching the problem in the right way would make it easier for JJ.

"Just ask questions," JJ answered, no longer trying to stall. It would have to come anyway; she'd better get over with it while she was still composed.

"How do you know Hannah?" Emily started. She had seen the way Hannah and JJ had interacted when they were at the hotel room, and it showed that they had previously met.

"She's… an old friend," JJ said, struggling to find the right word. But Hannah had been a friend: a counsellor, a mother and a friend, all in one.

"So you did know her before? Do you know the 'Shelby' she referred to when we first met?"

JJ nodded. "I do," she said, hoping that Emily was going to stop asking questions in that direction.

"Who is she?" Emily demanded, looking JJ in the eye. She had a suspicion, but needed to hear it confirmed.

JJ took a deep breath. "She is me."

Emily stared at her. "You changed your name? Why?"

"It's hard to explain… probably hard to understand." JJ said softly, looking down to her lap.

"Don't avoid the question JJ, you know it's safe to tell me," Emily said equally soft. "Try me."

JJ looked up. "I didn't want to be Shelby any longer." She was unconsciously rubbing her arms, a gesture Emily recognized as shielding.

Emily sat back for a moment, contemplating on how to ask the next question. "What has happened to Shelby, JJ?" She finally asked, trying to create a distance for JJ between her and Shelby.

JJ looked away, trying to hide the tears in her eyes. "Nothing," she choked, wiping away the tears. "She was just… just…" She stopped, unable to talk any further.

Emily moved her chair until she was as close to JJ as she could get. She grabbed JJ's hand and said: "JJ, look at me."

JJ slowly turned her head until she was facing Emily. Emily recognized the pain in her eyes the moment she saw it. "Oh, JJ…" she whispered, seeing her thoughts getting confirmed. She pulled JJ towards her and hugged her, feeling JJ stiffen against her. "It's okay," she said, stroking JJ's back, much like she had when JJ had had the nightmare. "He can't hurt you any longer."

JJ pulled back, fearing the physical contact. When other people had done that, those were the hardest times to keep strong, because the feeling of someone being there for her was so tempting… But Emily kept holding her hand, and somehow she was okay with that.

"It's hard to talk," she whispered hoarsely. "I've never… I never could…"

"Take your time," Emily also whispered. "But JJ, you need to talk sometime. If you're gonna keep this in it'll kill you."

JJ nodded, and Emily pulled her back into a hug again. For a while they just sat there, JJ relishing the warmth of Emily's body. It had been so long since somebody had hugged her like this, total and forgiving and just there. She wasn't used to the feeling anymore.

When she pulled back again, she had somewhat relaxed, enough to think clearly again, or as clear as she could get.

Emily was scared. She knew part of what had happened, but it wasn't all, she knew that for sure. What had made JJ like this? The strong, independent, happy JJ, rarely in a bad mood. Who had caused her to break down like she had? Emily felt anger rise in her, but she kept it down. Anger was something JJ could not use at the moment.

"When I was eight, my mom remarried," JJ said, snapping Emily out of her thoughts. She laughed hoarsely, a laugh that chilled Emily to the bone. "I was actually glad that my mom remarried, can you believe it? Glad, because someone would take care of us again…"

"It is normal for children to feel-" Emily began, but JJ cut her off. "I know it is, I mean I work with you guys. It's just… stupid, if you think of what came of that marriage."

Emily nodded, not unfamiliar with the feelings. "When did your stepfather start hurting you?" She asked.

JJ's head shot up. "What? Why…" Then she sighed, realizing there was no use lying to a skilled profiler.

"He just came into my room at first, talking and kissing me goodnight…" JJ stared into the distance, obviously remembering. Emily squeezed her hand to bring her back to the present.

"The first time he did it, he said it was how men showed love towards their children, that it was normal. And I believed him…"

She wasn't crying anymore, but the pain and anger in her voice was obvious.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Emily gently asked, knowing it was probably shame that had kept JJ from talking.

"He promised… said that if I kept quiet he wouldn't hurt Jess…"

"Who is Jess?" Emily interfered, remembering hearing the name during JJ's nightmare.

"She's my little sister," JJ replied, and by the way her face lit up Emily could tell that Jess was a good part of JJ's past. "But when I came back, I found out, he'd broken his promise…"

"Came back from what?" Emily asked curiously. How had JJ escaped all this?

"I ran away when I was fourteen, eventually I ended up at a school for 'troubled teens', but I had to go back there when my stepfather got ill and my mother needed someone to take care of him," JJ spat, sensing the irony herself. "So I took care of the man that abused me, I had no choice, Peter couldn't help it either…"

"Peter was your teacher at that school?" Emily asked, recognizing the name again.

"Yeah, Peter and Sophie and… and Hannah," JJ confessed. Her hands relaxed now, she had obviously trusted Peter, Sophie and Hannah.

Emily started to see the timeline now, but there was one chunk still missing. "JJ, what did you do before you went to that school?"

From the way JJ stiffened, she saw that this was the question JJ wanted to avoid desperately.

"It's okay, you can tell me," she said soothingly, sensing that this was the part JJ had most difficulty with.

"I was on the streets," JJ finally replied, trying to keep her voice straight. "I located my real father and went to him, and then he sent me to Horizon," she continued, hoping that that part of her past had been covered now.

Emily could just see it in the way JJ acted, the way she didn't want to talk about the streets. She knew how JJ had survived there, and it hurt her so much to think of what her friend had gone through. There was so much that she still didn't know, and JJ had been so damaged she thought she could never tell anyone…

"You did what you had to do to survive," she whispered, pulling JJ against her. "It's not your fault, do you understand me? Don't blame yourself for this."

"But it is my fault, if I'd never run away, if I'd stayed there, he would never have hurt Jess, he would've kept his hands off of her…"

"And he would've molested you even more," Emily finished the sentence for her. "Destroyed you even more, and caused you even more pain."

"So what?" JJ shot back, her old defence mechanism coming back. "I could handle it. Jess couldn't, she was much younger, she was just a child…"

Emily was glad JJ got some of her anger back, but nevertheless the replied: "You were a child too, JJ! It is not your fault. You didn't abuse anyone. He did. He made you sleep with other men in order to survive, he made you believe that was the only way out. It is not your fault."

JJ flinched when Emily said that, realizing Emily had figured out her biggest secret.

"Do you know what it's like? Every single day, I – I stand under the shower, and I can never get clean. I'll always be dirty, damaged, they'll never get off of me…"

She was losing it now, tears going down her face and her voice hoarse. Emily pulled her close again, at a loss for words. What did you say in these moments? She had the skills to interview the most horrific serial killers ever, yet she couldn't help her own friend…

JJ was tired, so tired of remembering, of having to tell things she had never told anyone before, things she had tried to forget so hard that sometimes she even believed she had forgotten it.

She leaned into Emily's comforting arms, no longer caring how she looked. She was just too tired to care for anything.

Cute friendship scene... yay. Just wanted to throw that in.
A couple more things:
1. I started one -or two, actually- new stories on CM. I know it's not smart. I hope it'll work. I probably won't upload them until much later.
2. I'm kind of stuck with this story - Emily knows, most of the others have suspicions... A scene where JJ tells everyone will be even harder than only with Emily. I am now somewhere at chapter 17, but I feel like I lack the originality and the talent.
I'll try, though, I'll try not to let everyone, including myself, down by not finishing this story...

Enough with the down stuff! Did I convey the emotions well in this chapter? Is it realistic? For those who haven't seen Higher Ground, was is surprising? For those who have seen Higher Ground, did I tell everything correctly? Please tell me, I can never have enough comments!