'You can do it Bolton, you can do it.'
Troy repeated the phrase as the light wind caressed his bronze face. His shaking hands were welding inside his pockets, and his small nose was beginning to turn rosy from the cold. His zipped up navy blue sweatshirt provided slight warmth from the cold, but his body seemed to be a frozen statue all the same. It wasn't from the cold though. It was from bottled up pressure that threatened to explode into a cosmic mess. Taking one foot at a time, he gazed up at the crystal blue sky that was at one time the same color at his eyes. Now, they were just the dusty gray of the snow covered peaks that loomed over the two as they walked around the court yard.
"I feel honored to get two visits from you this weekend," The shaky voice mused as Troy glanced towards the frail figure walking at his side, gripping his bulky arm for support. Their steps were slow on the white cement. The courtyard around the rehab center was perfect for a time for the patients to get outside and enjoy the crisp air. Troy found that it was a perfect place of privacy. A perfect place to change his fate. "I hope I didn't scare Gabriella off."
Troy's face flushed at the sound of her name. He closed his eyes blissfully to let the image of her slender body better than a goddess's flood his eye sight. Her sweet giggled whispered in the wind, giving him the strength he needed. His eyes fluttered open again as he turned to the sparkling white mountain watching over them. "You didn't." He responded honestly.
"She's a really nice girl Troy," Lucille complimented, a bright smile on her face as though there was a sparkling ring on Gabriella's left hand. "Really down to earth and seems to be… content with herself."
If only she knew.
"She's amazing." Troy mumbled softly, his body feeling like it was walking on auto pilot. He had to find the perfect moment. If he screwed this up, then there was no fixing it.
"I really like her." Lucille beamed her weak smile the best she could. Her mousy thin hair danced in the wind as they rounded towards a bench, her arm tightening around Troy's muscles.
Troy's gaze traveled to the ground as he let out a sigh. His nerves were still doing a tap dance, and he was certain that the contents in his stomach would be spilling out over the glowing snow any moment now. He couldn't do it. Not now. There was no way he'd be able to handle if it didn't go the right way. What if he just… didn't do it? Everything would go back to how it was, and he'd just have to deal with the pain. Shove it down his throat until graduation when he could get the hell out of here to UCLA. It was a perfect plan, and Troy proved he could live through this hell this long; a few more months wouldn't kill anyone would they?
No. He had to. There was no other way around it. It was getting done, today.
"Sweetie, is there something wrong?" Lucille asked with concern written in her tired white eyes. Troy's stomach shocked. That was the sign. This was it. He knew it. It all came down to this moment. Everything. Charlie, needles, fires, Gabriella… it all leaded up to this. Right now. "You're quiet. I noticed it when you brought Gabriella too."
Troy's eyes shut tortured, his body building the courage. "Mo… mom…" The normally velvet voice trembled as his eyes ripped open again; looking at the almost fearful face she was staring with. "Mom, I need… I need to… come here."
He pulled her to the white dry bench and stat down, hanging onto his mother's frail hand because his life depended on it. His throat was sandpaper, and if it wasn't for her curious, yet nervous look on her face, Troy was certain he would have released whatever was rotting in his stomach right now. His gray eyes painfully stared at her. He saw himself, torn, broken, shattered, through the gloss of her orbs. He had to do this, for his sake. He could do this. He had to.
"Troy, honey… what is it?" Her trembling hand lifted up and brushed a small chuck of his chestnut bangs out of his face. This wasn't making it any easier. Guilt rippled through his ruby blood stream. Now or never Troy. You have to do this to save your life. Now.
"I can't…" He inhaled a deep breath encouraging breath of the thin oxygen. "I can't live this way anymore Mom."
The tiny smile on her broken face smashed to the floor. At that one sentence, it seemed that all of Troy's tension was released. His body almost felt limp as the thousand pound weight lifted from his chest. His heart beat quickly, sending clean blood through his system. His rough hand almost dropped his mother's, but he saved himself quickly. The blue in the sky suddenly felt more vibrant, all of his senses crashing down upon him. "What?" Lucille's frightened voice questioned.
Troy closed his fading gray eyes to feel the ice of the air against his rosy cheek. Contrasts were so heavy Troy was almost overblown by the power. Here he was, breaking free from the chains he was lodged in for so long, yet his heart was pierced with a stabbing needle at her heartbreaking tone. "I love you Mom."
"And I love you, but what do you mean?" The holocaust victim questioned again in a trembling voice.
A black bird soared over Troy's head as he spoke the words slowly. "I can't keep burning Mom. Charlie can't come here."
A knowing sigh slipped through Lucille's lips as her head dropped to the flaky ground. She gently shook her head as though the matter was too mature for Troy to understand. "He needs me Troy."
Troy felt hate rip through this throat, but did everything in his power to control his temper. "No! He doesn't okay?" His dark voice broke twice as he spoke. Focus Bolton, don't get angry. You can't mess this up. "He's just going to pull you down into the exact same hell that you were in before Mom. You've done so well without him."
"I can help him." Lucille's thin lips barely moved as she spoke, still not looking at Troy's face.
"No Mom, you can't." Troy's eyes burned with tears that refused to fall. He couldn't be weak. He had to be the strong, dominate one here. "Look at everything he's done to you! He put you in this place!"
Lucille chuckled a laugh that Troy was certain would break her throat. He subconsciously tightened the grip on her fragile fingers, knowing that his fate would change in just a few moments. The air continued to swirl gently around them. "When your father left, I couldn't handle it. Troy, you were the only thing that kept me going," her eyes lifted with heavy tears sparkling in them. Troy didn't even want to think of his dad right now. "And then I met Charlie. He may have not made the best choices, but I still had him."
"You had me!" Troy desperately attempted to make her understand, not wanting to pull out the ultimatum, but knew it was going to have to come out. There was now hiding it now.
"I couldn't talk to you about it Troy! You were too little. I needed someone else." Lucille tried to explain while her small smile amplified Troy's pain.
Troy's thin bottom lip trembled as he shook his head violently. "He got you addicted."
Lucille gazed into the frown lines in Troy's face mysteriously. "You're too young to understand what love can do to you."
"No I'm not," he rebutted, his vision filled with Gabriella's smooth skin. His fingers twitched at the feeling of her silk beneath them. "He'll kill you Mom."
"No he won't. He needs me." Lucille swallowed, not going to change her mind.
This was now it. The moment Troy had been dreading. The pressure slammed onto his chest again. He felt a grapefruit sized ball in his throat. "I…" he started, but found his voice was a harsh whisper. Taking another gulp of air, he knew this had to be done now. "He'll kill me Mom."
Her dark eyebrows lowered suspiciously. "What…"
"I can't live like this Mom," Troy finally confessed again. His leg was spastic in fright. His beating heart shattering as he spoke the words. "If you save him, you can't save me."
Her boney mouth hung open stupidly. The breakable fingers gripped Troy's as the realization was starting to dawn over her like a new sun. Another chunk of his heart fell off at the pain in her eyes, but he couldn't stop now. The snow swirled up towards them, covering them from the ground up. "Troy… Troy you can't mean…"
"I love you Mom," he passionately let go. "And I know you love me. But you can't love both of us. If Charlie comes here… I won't."
There it was, the inevitable choice. Lucille's pale face became translucent. Fat tears spilled down her face as tiny sobs began to race through her parted lips. Another smash at his heart. His own gray orbs produced frozen rain that dripped down his face silently. He didn't want to do it, but he had to. There was no other option. "Troy… please… you don't mean that. I know you don't."
"I have to," he whispered hoarsely before closing his eyes. "Mom, I'm dying. Every shot, every needle, every once of heroine you ever injected poured into me. I'm slowly dying and taking others down with me. I can't live like it anymore," Troy couldn't believe the passion and poetry that was in his voice. But he meant every word. "I have to save myself."
"But I love you." It seemed to be the only thing she was saying in her torture.
Troy chewed on this inside of his icy mouth, feeling the freezing crystals pour down his rosy cheeks. His heart smashed again against his ribcage. He knew it would be hard, but he just didn't expect how hard. "You have to choose who you love more Mom. Me or him. You can't have both. I'm done watching you. I'm done burning. I want my life back. Me or Charlie, Mom. We can settle this tomorrow by putting a restraining order on him."
"Troy, we can figure something out…" Lucille's voice broke with Troy's heart.
"No Mom. We can't," he sighed deeply before his chest began to ripple with sobs. "I'm tried of pain. I'm tried of this. Charlie or Me. My heart's not strong enough for you to have both."
Lucille's now tear-filled head dropped to the ground. Troy's lip nervously vibrated as he watched her decide. Decide who she loved more. Who was more important to her. His darkening gray eyes looked to the cloudless sky, suddenly finding himself praying to a higher power. If there was something looking out for him, now would be the time he would need a miracle.
Her pale head turned up with sobs escaping her tortured mouth. This was it, the verdict, His life was about to change, and he knew he wasn't breathing any oxygen.
Lucille opened her trembling lips.
"I can't loose you…"
A sigh of relief and Troy's body almost crumbled in happiness.
The loving gleam in her white eyes said it all. She chose Troy.
"I can't breathe… I can't breathe…"
"Gabs, please calm down!" Emily pleaded as she gripped Gabriella's tight shoulders beneath her ruby t-shirt and locked her black eyes together. The giant track seemed to be spinning around like a carousel and Gabriella couldn't hold onto any view. Not the hundred of cheering parents in the stands, nor the white walls with the burnt orange track that circled the perimeter. Jefferson High School was known for their indoor track that was build like an outdoor one. See, most indoor tracks were just paint tapped onto the gym floors. Usually, ten to twelve laps was a mile. But here? It was as though they were standing outside. Four laps to a mile, spikes were allowed. The only thing that was different was there was no wind nor sun nor snow.
Gabriella's lungs were collapsing beneath her tight uniform. "I can't do this Emily! I can't!"
She had survived an almost sleepless night last night, but now Gabriella could barely feel her feet. How was she going to be able to run when the pressure of a million things were pushing against her chest like a brick wall. Everything collapsed around her, hallucinations of her father flooding her memory. The pain in her stomach at the argument with her mother yesterday. The stab of her heart with Troy's absent presence. "Gabriella!" A tough, yet business tone filled her ears as she gasped for oxygen. "Gabriella, what's up?"
Even though her body was rebelling against her, she wouldn't let herself sit out. So she turned to the coach, ripping from Emily's arms and shook her head. "Can't breathe… nerves…"
That was the biggest lie of her life. Nerves weren't just the surface of her pain. "If you're going to hyperventilate on me, I'll just scratch you…"
"No!" Gabriella almost screamed, causing the coach to jump back in fright. "No I can do it. I have to."
The coach shook her head and walked away plainly. Gabriella focused on her lungs again. In, out, in, out. The last time she felt like this was last week when she and Troy went to the gym. Well, that didn't turn out well, but what was she to do? She had to run, it was a must. She would fail if she didn't get the time she wanted. Fail miserably.
"I have to go… warm up… and stretch…and check in…" Gabriella told no one ad she bolted to her bag to rip her cerulean Ipod from her bag. She practically leapt over all eight lanes of the track before walking into the brightly lit hallway where other nervous girls were waiting.
After trying to keep her head busy and filled with other thoughts than her emptiness, Gabriella walked to the box with multiple numbers that would be placed on her hip in a few moments. She was seeded fourth, the fastest. Katie was fifth. Which the tall blonde with an incredible frame and toned legs in blue and yellow walked past her. Gabriella's black eyes reflexively narrowed, though it wasn't like she hated her. She just tried to focus on other things besides her body freezing inside.
Katie grabbed her hip number and raised her sparkling blues to meet Gabriella. She gave a small smile and a wave in friendly competition, even though Gabriella was sure she was out for blood as well. The edges of her trembling lips rose slightly to return it, though she could barely feel her face.
"There's the speed demon." A teenage boy's voice echoed through the hallway, making Gabriella's entire body freeze in shock. She slowly turned around to see a chocolate colored boy holding hands with her best friend. Normally, Gabriella would have smiled at this sign of affection towards each other, but now she couldn't move at all.
"What the hell are you guys doing here?" Gabriella accused more than questioned and Chad and Taylor approached her. She had one had on the set of lockers and the other trying to steady herself as she stretched her slender calf.
"We wouldn't miss this for the world." Taylor smiled brightly before giving Gabriella's rigid body a comforting hug. The desperate black eyes searched for Chad's dark beady ones, hope tracing in them.
"We wouldn't miss this? As in…" Gabriella's hope weakly swelled just before the sides of Chad's face frowned. Gabriella's heart smashed into tiny pieces. He wasn't in school today, why did she even bother to have hoped that she would see him?
The lack of his presence in school was enough to tear her apart. Not that he would have talked to her anyways, but just being there, to be able to see him would have satisfied her. It was beginning to add to the pressure she was feeling. "He knows how important this is to you."
"He wasn't there today…" Gabriella's lip quivered.
"He'll do what he can." Chad confirmed before a large man with a beard walked through the doors holding a clipboard.
"1600 meter run! Second call 1600 meter run! Ladies, start to make your way to the start line!" His voice boomed before another round of hyperventilation started in Gabriella's deflated lungs.
"Oh my God…" She couldn't grasp anything again. Taylor gripped her shoulder to steady her fearfully.
"Maybe you shouldn't…"
"I have to!" Gabriella hissed, neither one of them had a chance of understanding. Why couldn't anyone get this concept? She HAD to get his done. No matter if she died doing it. She had to prove to herself that she could run, she would be able to do it. No one else mattered right now. Not Katie. She was racing against her pain now, her agony. The idea flooded her mind, remembering what Troy had said Friday night.
His pained features blinded her from her two friends. The sharp grey eyes snapped into her vision as she slammed her eyes closed. She was back in Zeke's living room, Troy's icy groin pushed dangerously up against hers. His frozen breath was breathing down her soft neck. You gave me strength, now I gotta use it and walk on my own.
Now was the time. But she needed him, but she needed him to catch her when it was over. Or at least guide her through it.
And he wasn't there.
"Good luck…" Chad and Taylor both wished at the same time, hugging Gabriella tightly each. She couldn't feel them though. This was it. Her torture was spinning around her. Now was the time to face her pain head on. She knew it was a battle now. A battle she had to fight on her own, though she would only be strong enough if he was by her side.
Gabriella just nodded breathlessly before walking in a dreamlike motion towards the doors, entering the loud track. Everything was a blur when she took her warm sweats off to reveal the red spandex that looked more like underwear and red sleeveless skin tight top. She didn't notice the Wildcats screaming for her as Katie held out her hand to shake Gabriella's. She didn't see the woman in her thirties stare upon her daughter whom had just screamed at her yesterday with a longing to be there, killing her plans with Jonathon.
All the other runners to her were more like demons she had to fight. The first was her abusive father, one was her uncaring mother. The bloody car she was in so long ago stood to her left, one was angry Taylor the night she said she never wanted to talk to her again. The picture of her terrified sister the previous night was in the outside lane, and a writhing Troy with shining silver moons at her immediate left.
But the one next to her, the one that was represented by Katie on her right, was the scariest of all. Her black eyes looked up to meet the sparkling blue gaze, but instead she found a reflection. Her tormented reflection of lost years. She saw her black pits shining back at her, with her cascading mysterious hair pulled into a tight ponytail. Cheers were filing her ears, but she didn't hear them. The midnight eyes pulled away from her tortured reflection and stared at the obese man in white and black holding the pistol towards the ceiling.
"On your mark." The room got silent.
This wasn't about Katie. It was a race against herself. Her Torture. Her life.
And the gun went off.