Author's note: It's almost 2am but my computer miraculously picked up one of my neighbor's wireless connection a few hours ago and I've been so happy to actually have access to the Internet, and so afraid it'll be gone in the morning, that I can't seem to go to bed. And I wanted to give you guys this chapter because your feedback has been amazing. I love writing this story, but you make it so, so worth it.
A lot of you reacted strongly to the last chapter – some blaming Lucas for his ill-timing, others blaming Brooke for running from her feelings. I guess I'm sort of taking a stand on that aspect in this chapter, and I hope you like it, and understand where this is coming from - especially from Brooke's perspective.
But I'll shut up now, I'm not sure I'm making much sense.
Thanks for being here.
Laurie
Chapter 13: Realize
"True love comes in quietly, without banners or flashing lights. She is your sanity in a world full of madness. True love is not how grand you are or how simple you are, but it's who you are when you're with her, and she loves you not in spite of it, but because of it. She is the one who stands with you, when the rest of the world falls down." -- Thomas Wide Fountain
--
Take time to realize,
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you?
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you
If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.
--
The dawn was barely breaking when Peyton woke up, and despite the early hour she found she couldn't go back to sleep. She climbed off her bed and stared out the window as the sun was rising, watching its warm rays dance in the water. She took a deep breath, letting yesterday's events run through her mind.
She had followed Brooke's advice and she had called Jake. Or at least, she had tried. She'd felt her heart rate accelerate dangerously as he picked up after a few seconds, only to feel it drop her in chest when a woman had answered her call. When she had finally found her voice again, she'd learned that the number wasn't Jake's anymore, and hadn't been in a few years. But the real relief had come from learning that the woman was in no way related to Jake, and that's when Peyton had realized how much she actually cared.
And she cared a lot.
At first, she had fought it. She had let go of her feelings for Lucas so recently, and she cherished her newfound independence, finally feeling free to dedicate herself to the people she loved. And that's when an unsettling truth had occurred to her: in spite of how much she'd been thinking of Jake, it had not diminished in any way her other relationships. In fact, thinking back on their time together, she felt lighter, happier, like her heart was more open, more generous; like she was a better version of herself just by letting him into her heart again.
Was she crazy for feeling the way she felt? It was not rational, and yet she missed him more than she could explain. Ever since she'd stood on that pier and the image of him holding little Jenny in his arms, saying goodbye, had flashed in her mind, it was like all her feelings for him had been slowly resurfacing, seeping into every ounce of her being.
Maybe she was crazy, she thought to herself, chuckling, as she left her room and walked up the stairs, hoping that Brooke was already awake and that she could talk some sense into her. She was surprised to find her door wide open, the morning light shining on her untouched bed. Peyton smiled at first, thinking she had finally stopped being so stubbornly independent and spent the night at Owen's, and then noticed the envelope sitting on the bed. She walked into the room and grabbed it. It was addressed to her.
Starting to feel anxious, she quickly opened the letter, and her face fell as she read the words her best friend had written in an obvious hurry.
P.,
I have to clear my mind for a while, away from Tree Hill. Not sure when I'll be back. Don't worry about me, okay? I'll call you soon.
Brooke.
Peyton sat on Brooke's bed, the weight of Brooke's words sinking in. Whatever had happened, it was big enough to make Brooke leave without even saying goodbye, and knowing her, Peyton could only guess it was something to be worried about. She wouldn't have left like a fugitive in the middle of the night if it hadn't been.
Her first reflex was to grab the phone on her nightstand and call Brooke. Not surprisingly, it went straight to voicemail. Peyton sighed. She dialed Haley's number, hoping she would have more answers than she did.
As the phone rang, she winced, remembering how early it actually was, but found she didn't care, not when she knew her best friend needed her help. She breathed out in relief when Haley picked up the phone only to start panicking again when she told her she had no idea where Brooke had gone either. Haley promised to call her back if she had any news and they quickly hung up.
Peyton called Owen next, but his answering machine immediately picked up. She paced around Brooke's room as she remembered he usually worked late nights. Guessing he had probably only gone to bed mere hours earlier, she left him a message, urging him to call her back as soon as he woke up.
Sighing, she pulled the chair from Brooke's desk and sat down, feeling panicked. Brooke had told her she would call her soon and she could only assume she was safe–physically at least. But Brooke wasn't the type to just run and hide and Peyton knew something big must have happened to make her run that fast, and – she assumed – that far.
She put down the phone on the desk, smiling when she saw all the sketches Brooke had left there. She looked at them, always amazed by how talented her friend was. She deserved her success more than anyone else. Peyton went through her designs one by one, feeling like it brought her to closer to her, somehow. But she couldn't escape the cold, hard truth no matter how much she wanted to.
She knew she had been a bad friend to Brooke for a long time now – longer than she wanted to remember. She knew that if she had truly been there for Brooke all this time, she might have come to her instead of running away. Or at least, she would have left her more than a note on her bed.
Peyton knew that she had taken more than she had given, and she'd probably been too self-absorbed to even notice that something was wrong with Brooke. And it broke Peyton's heart to realize the kind of best friend – the kind of person – she had become over the years. When had she lost herself that way? And what was it that had made Brooke stay with her all this time? Whatever Brooke saw in her, Peyton wanted to be that person. She wanted to be worthy of her friendship again, and it started with finding out where she'd gone and helping her work through whatever had gone wrong.
As she took a look at the last sketches lying around on the desk and put them on the top of the pile she had formed, Peyton noticed four envelopes previously lost in the shuffle of sketches and colors. She took them in her hand, one by one, and felt her heart drop in her chest when she realized they were all addressed to the same person.
Lucas.
Peyton found her head was spinning, but not for the reasons that would have made sense given that had still been engaged to him not long ago. No. She felt lightheaded and short of breath because as she stared at the letters, and eventually read them one after the other, knowing deep in her heart they would explain Brooke's sudden departure, she realized what she had done. And finally, at last, she grasped the pain that she had caused to the two people she had claimed to love the most.
--
Lucas awoke to a loud and persistent knocking on his door. At first, he struggled to come to his senses through the loud racket, but soon enough he was up on his feet, feeling very much awake. He had laid on his bed for a long time after coming home last night, trying to figure out where had gone wrong with Brooke until he had finally given in to his exhaustion and fallen asleep late into the night. And as he put a shirt on and ran a nervous hand through his messy hair, he hoped with all his heart that she was standing on the other side of the door, waiting for him.
But as soon as he opened the door, a flash of brown hair shoved him into his bedroom again, and he took a few steps back as Haley attacked him with a flow of question, not even bothering to say hello. "What the hell did you say to her, Lucas? What happened? What did you do?"
"Wow, slow down, what are you talking about, Hales?"
"You know what I'm talking about, Luke. Where is Brooke?"
He looked at her, confused. "Why? Is she gone?"
Haley let out of long breath. She nodded. "Yes. And I want to know what you said that made her run so fast."
Lucas panicked at once upon hearing that Brooke was gone. He ignored Haley's request, choosing to question her instead. "Do you know where she is? When did she leave?"
Haley sighed. "No, I don't know where she is. She must have left during the night. Peyton called me early this morning and told me Brooke had left a note saying she was gone. It didn't say why." She stared at him accusingly. "And I know that you're the only reason she would have left the way she did."
Lucas sat on his bed, hiding his head in his hands. He had made Brooke run? He knew it meant that she cared, and a part of him reveled in that… but above all, he knew that she would only go to that extreme if she was really hurt… and that thought left him feeling guilty, confused, and mostly worried. It hurt him to think she was hurting, but it killed him to know he was the reason for it.
Haley sat next to him. She had come down hard on him, but only because she cared for Brooke. She'd seen how fragile she was when it came to Lucas and she was afraid that Lucas, unaware of that, had pulled another one of his infamous declarations. And for Brooke's sake, Haley hoped that Lucas' heart had, at last, settled.
"I'm in love with her, Hales," Lucas told her quietly. He looked at his best friend's face but found no surprise on her features. "You knew, too?" he asked her.
She nodded, finally smiling a little. "Kind of. I hoped that you'd stopped ignoring the obvious, but I didn't want to say anything. You needed to figure it out on your own." She paused. "I'm guessing you told her how you feel last night?"
"I wasn't planning on doing it," he told her honestly. "But all of a sudden I felt like she was slipping away and I couldn't help it. I had to tell her." He turned to Haley. "She's the one for me, Hales. I am sure, like I've never been sure of anything in my life before. I can feel it. She's been the one all along, but I was just too afraid and stupid to admit it to myself. She makes me feel like I can finally stand still, because she's everywhere I want to be."
Haley smiled. She could hear Lucas' heart pouring out in his words and she knew he meant them. She recognized the tone in his voice, the look in his eyes, the tremor of his feelings… She had the same for Nathan.
But still, she knew Lucas… and she worried he had gone in full Lucas-attack mode last night. "Please, just tell me you did not ask her to marry you?"
He surprised her by actually laughing out loud. "No," he answered.
Haley let out a deep breath. "Good. I feel better." She paused. "But what did you say?"
Lucas thought back to his confession last night, and to what had triggered it. And as he told Haley what had happened, he winced, only realizing now the weight of his words. When would he ever learn from his mistakes? "She said was going to go through with the permanent adoption… and I kind of told her not to do it because I wanted to be the one she had children with," he said all in one breath.
Haley stared at him, incredulous. Leave it to Lucas Scott to top the marriage proposal. "Oh Lucas…"
He hid his head in his hands again and sighed. "I just, I couldn't help it. I know it was a lot to process, too much, but it's just how I feel."
Haley put a hand on his shoulder. "I know. But it's not just about you. You have to remember that. Don't you think that after all that Brooke went through for you, you owed her more than an out of blue confession that you wanted to have kids with her?"
Lucas sighed again. "I know. I'm an idiot," he said, shaking his head. And then Haley's words sank in, and he turned his head to her. "Wait, what did you mean by 'all that Brooke went through for you?'"
Haley started panicking, realizing too late that she had spoken too fast and revealed too much. She couldn't believe Lucas still didn't know, still hadn't figured it out… but she knew she shouldn't be the one to open his eyes. "It's not my place to explain," she told him.
"Explain what?"
She shook her head. "How can you still not know?"
Lucas attempted to speak but Haley cut him off. "I have to go, I have class. Whatever you do, Lucas, please don't try to go after her, okay? She left for a reason. Give her time to breathe and collect her thoughts. She'll come back when she's ready." Haley didn't give him time to answer and left his house as quickly as Brooke had left him standing in the river court last night.
Was it the answer to everything? What was it that he still didn't know and that had made Haley run out of his house, and Brooke, out of his life?
--
Peyton lost track of how long she stood frozen, staring wordlessly at Brooke's letters to Lucas scattered on her bed. Because all the words that mattered were there, in those heart wrenching confessions that her best friend had written over the years and kept hidden, away from everyone. Away from her, away from Lucas.
But who was Peyton kidding? She had known all along, from the moment she had decided to tell Brooke she was still in love with Lucas years ago right down to the split second during which she had decided not to call Lucas to ask him if he knew where Brooke had gone this morning. She had known, and yet she had mercilessly stomped on Brooke's heart and shattered it to a million pieces – repeatedly.
She closed her eyes in pain. She vaguely registered the moisture in her eyes spreading to her cheeks and rolling down her neck, untouched, before falling on her lap.
What had she done?
The hardest part of all, she realized with a disgusted chuckle, horrified that she could still think so selfishly even in this moment, was wondering how she could have been the person who had broken her best friend's heart for the sake of her so-called own happiness. Peyton had claimed Lucas like he was his without any consideration for Brooke's feelings. She flinched, remembering accusing Brooke of not loving Lucas.
What kind of a monster was she?
The answer came with a painful memory flashing in her mind, in her heart, in every part of her being.
She was a backstabbing, two-face bitch. And she knew it now.
--
The drive to Lucas' house was a blur. Peyton had stayed in Brooke's bedroom, unable to move, for a long time. A part of her had hoped it would all turn out to be a nightmare and she would wake up soon, but she had to face the cold, unwelcoming reality. Struggling not to run to the bathroom and empty the content of her stomach, she had taken a deep breath and read the letters a second time, more slowly this time, taking in each of Brooke's words, measuring their weight and their signification. By the time she finished re-reading the last one, she was gripping the edges of the toilet, half sobbing.
And then one simple question had slowly overcome all her thoughts, like a poison sipping into her blood, her veins throbbing, reminding her of what she had done.
How was she going to fix this?
Could she?
The answer had come in a flash of clarity.
She had carefully but quickly gotten up, grabbed the letters, her car keys, and before she knew it, she had found herself in her car, driving down Market street, making the turns and stops without even thinking about it.
She took a deep breath as she stared at the front door of Lucas' house. She didn't know what she was going to say, but she knew she had to do this. It was all that was her power, and she hoped that after tonight, she would no longer have any over her friends' lives. She had destroyed too much.
Finally, she raised her hand and knocked on the door with as much force as she could muster.
--
Lucas was staring blankly at his television screen when someone knocked frantically on his door for the second time of the day. He had been watching the players move around the court, shoot, score and eventually win the basketball game, but his heart hadn't been in it. None of it mattered, because he had lost.
He had driven Brooke away when all he wanted was to be by her side. He had hurt her when all he wanted was to make her happy.
The look on her face as she had pulled away from him last night on the river court haunted him, and he flinched at the memory. He wished he could take his stupid confession back and be close to her again, both physically and emotionally. He had dropped his feelings on her like a ticking bomb, and Brooke had run from the scene of the disaster. Because that's what Lucas was, really – a disaster. He never knew how to do these things right, and Brooke was the one person he needed to do things right by.
And yet he knew that there was something he was missing, something that went beyond his gift for very poorly timed declarations. Something in the way she had let herself go in his kiss only to pull back, suddenly frozen like a stone. Something in the way her voice had broken when she had tried to convince him not to tell her how he felt. Something in the way she had whispered that he still didn't get it.
And then there had been Haley's words, hinting that there was something she wasn't telling him about Brooke – something everybody had neglected to tell him.
He sighed as he rose from the couch and went to open his door. A part of him hoped that she would be standing on the other side of the door, but he knew better. She had left mere hours ago and he doubted she would be back so soon. It didn't keep him from hoping.
Lucas almost startled at the sight in front of him. Peyton was standing on the doorstep, hugging her small frame with her arms, her eyes red, a look of deep determination set on her face. Instantly, he panicked, an array of scenarios running through his head, and his heart stopped beating for a moment.
"What happened?" he asked, unsure he wanted to know the answer. "Is it Brooke?"
Peyton let her eyes meet his and slowly nodded. Lucas' face seemed to crumble upon her words and she shivered. How had she ignored his obvious, deep feelings for Brooke when they had been staring at her face for so long?
She saw tears well up in his eyes and an alarm sounded off in her head through the haze she was in. Realizing what she had led him to believe, she quickly reassured him, mentally beating herself up in the process. As if she hadn't already hurt him enough.
"No, it's not – Brooke is fine," she said forcefully before realizing the irony of her words. She couldn't have been more wrong. "I mean, nothing happened."
Lucas let out a deep, long breath in relief. She could see his face regaining his color as he pulled himself together again and questioned her presence on his door step. "Is everything okay, Peyton?"
He sounded like he really cared and she wished he didn't. She didn't deserve any of it. She knew he would stop caring soon enough, anyway. She wouldn't blame him.
"Can I talk to you?" she asked.
He immediately nodded and opened the door wide, letting her in. She took a few steps forward and stopped in the middle of the living room. She didn't want to go too far – she knew she would out of here quickly.
"What's going on, Peyt?"
She flinched at the way he called her and how concerned he sounded. It made her feel all the more guilty. Wordlessly, she handed him the four, colorful envelopes she had been holding. He stared at her confused, grabbing the letters without looking at them.
"What is this?" he asked, clueless.
Peyton took a deep breath. There it was, her chance to make things right and fix things between Lucas and Brooke. She just hoped she wasn't too late. She hoped with all her cold, dark heart.
"I was trying to figure out why she left so suddenly," she began. "I found those. I have my answer now," she trailed, her voice breaking.
Lucas stared at her, confused, and then his eyes looked down at the four letters he was holding carelessly in his hands. He heart skipped a beat immediately, recognizing Brooke's handwriting the way his heart recognized hers.
There were four letters, and there were all addressed to him.
"I'm so sorry, Luke," Peyton told him on the verge of tears. "I know this doesn't change what I did and doesn't make up for it either, but I just hope that maybe this helps fixing things. You deserve it," she said, stopping to take a breath. "You both do."
But Lucas was still confused. What was Peyton apologizing for, and what did it have to do with Brooke's letters. Had she read them? And how did she know there was something going on with Brooke now?
"You read them?" he asked, unable to keep the resentment from his voice.
She nodded. "I know I wasn't supposed to, but I'm glad I did. Now I finally understand what I did," she said, disgust spreading on her features.
"What do you mean?"
Peyton smiled bitterly. "Oh Lucas. I never deserved a fraction of the way you felt about me. I didn't deserve any of your words." It broke her heart that he still had no idea, and that all this time he had loved her without knowing what she had done. Even now, he still believed the best of her.
Lucas set out to protest again but Peyton cut him off before he could say anything. "You'll understand," she told him quietly. "And when you do, I'll understand if you never want to see me again."
"Why would I?" he managed to ask, but she quickly went on. "Read the letters," she pleaded him. She almost turned and left but changed her mind. She owed it to herself to say one last thing. She wasn't sure it would make much of a difference, but she had to try. "She loves you, Luke. She always has. She deserves you more than I ever did. Wait for her."
And then she was out the door, and Lucas was left standing alone again for the third time in the span of twenty four hours. Only this time, he knew he was going to get answers. He could feel it, just as strongly as he felt his heart beating at the sight of those letters.
His hand shaking, he proceeded to open the first one. Just the sight of her handwriting warmed his heart up. But his smiled quickly fell as his heart constricted in his chest. He read slowly, careful to take in each of her words. And he agonized.
Luke,
Today feels like the hardest day of my life.
I woke up yesterday with my heart yearning for you and elated at the thought of your return. I held you in arms during Nathan and Haley's rehearsal dinner, proof of their unwavering love for each other. I felt your heart beat against mine when you embraced me, and suddenly everything was alright in my world.
And then it all crashed down on me again.
I am writing yet another letter, but I know I can never give this one to you. I no longer have the right. She took it away, with a few words whispered amidst tears and broken hearts.
She loves you, Luke. No wait, scratch that. She is in love with you. My Peyton, my best friend, who gave me her blessing when I said I wanted to give us another chance. She looked me right in the eye and said she wouldn't stand in our way again, only to confess her undying love for you last night, mere months later.
And the second the words rolled off her tongue, something in me broke, because I knew. I hate her for doing this, because she knows what it means just as well as I do. She wasn't just beinghonest with me. That's just bullshit. She knows how much I love her. She knows that this friendship means the world to me. She was my family when my own parents wouldn't even take the time to visit me for my birthday. I didn't grow up alone – I grew up with her.
And she knew, when she confessed to me that she still had feelings for you, what it meant.
I have to let you go.
But God, Luke, I am so in love with you. So much that the mere idea of letting you go for just one day breaks me into a million pieces – pieces you will not be there to pick up. It kills me inside, and I know it will haunt me for the rest of my days.
You're the guy for me, Luke. I wasn't sure before, but ever since that night on the beach, those words have been anchored in my heart, keeping my feet on the ground while my heart has been soaring heights. You're the guy for me, and it's what makes this so difficult.
And yet I know how it goes. Peyton loves you, and you… you've had a crush on her ever since you first laid eyes on her, years ago. You may not see her in that light now, but I know that someday you will. Someday you will wonder what could have been – what should have been, according to everybody. According to you, too. You're the tortured athlete and she's the tortured artist. That's the way you thought it should be for a long time.
And one day you're going to look at me and I'm only going to be standing in the way of the future you had always envisioned with Peyton. One day you're going to break my heart, again. It's inevitable, just like we were. The difference is Peyton and you are… destiny. Right, Luke? Isn't that it? I have to believe that. Because if not, what I'm about to do will have been for nothing.
I think what hurts the most right now is the knowledge of how I'm going to have to let you go. I've been thinking as I've been lying here. I can't tell you that this is about Peyton. If I do, you will deny it, and say that you don't have feelings for her. You may not right now, but someday you will, and you need to realize this on your own. And so I know what I have to do. I've been rehearsing it in my head, down to the very last word.
I guess because of it I stopped missing you.
I love you Lucas, and I probably always will.
But I can't do this anymore.
I can't say that everything about this relationship has been easy. You're a mystery of your own, Lucas Scott, and the way you have kept your heart closed to me in the event of Keith's death hurt me more than I could tell you. I wanted you to let me all the way in, but you just couldn't. You never could.
And maybe that sums it all up. I want everything with you, but there's a part of your heart you never opened up to me. Maybe that part is Peyton's – maybe all of it is Peyton's. Your heart, your mind, your future. Everything.
I hope you make her happy, Luke. I hope that with all my heart. And I hope that one day I can stand next to the two of you and not hurt like I think it will hurt. The truth is it already does. So much. So bad.
But the hardest part is not letting you go or how much it hurts. The hardest part is that I can't help but believe that one day you will come back to me. Part of me hopes you won't believe that I somehow stopped missing you. Part of me hopes you will fight for me until I can no longer stand the lie. Part of me hopes you will not go running straight into her opens arms, but instead prove to the world that I am the one for you.
I hope you prove me right, but my hope has been crushed by Peyton's words. It's like I can't breathe anymore.
But it's all for your happiness, and Peyton's.
I just have to convince myself that someday this will all be okay.
Your Pretty Girl
Lucas let himself fall on his couch. He couldn't breathe anymore. He stared at the letters in his hands, at Brooke's words. He felt like someone had a deathly grip on his heart, crushing it until there was nothing left but broken pieces. But he realized with horror that the hand was his. He had given up. He had doubted her. He had never fought for her. And all for what? Peyton? He felt sick just thinking her name. She had been right. He never wanted to see her again.
Taking a deep breath, he moved on to the next letter. He thought it couldn't get worse. He was wrong.
Lucas,
When I let you go six months ago, I thought I could live through the heartbreak and move on with my heart. Tonight I know that I was fooling myself.
In what possible universe could I handle seeing you in bed with Peyton right after you had sex and be okay with it?
Just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I walked away from the two of you in a daze as I tried to erase that image from my mind, but no matter how hard I try to ignore it, this moment has left a mark on my heart. It hurts, Luke. Damn it, it still hurts like hell.
I had to stop and empty the content of my stomach on the side of the road. I know it wasn't because of the alcohol. The sight of you two sobered me up in a fraction of second.
I didn't expect this to be easy, but I didn't think it would be this hard. Maybe if I had known, I wouldn't have had the courage to go through with it. But I guess I got what I wanted in the end because you are happy, and so is Peyton. I just wish it was enough. I wish it made giving up on both my best friend and boyfriend easier, but it doesn't. When I was crying over my boyfriend, no one was there to hold me in their arms and tell me it was going to be okay. And when I was hurting over losing my best friend, there was no boy standing next to me and making it all worth it.
Why did you have to pick me the second time around? You said all those things to me and made me feel like what we had was so much more than anything you had ever felt. And I believed you. But if it was all true, how can you be with her the way you are now, blatantly ignoring everything we ever had? Why did seeing you lying in bed with her feel like finding out you cheated on me?
Why does it hurt that damn much after all this time?
Do you remember that night during our junior year when you found me on the beach after our formal? I was upset and you were there for me in spite of everything. You just sat next to me and asked me if I was okay, like a friend would. And do you remember what I answered? "Why does everybody lie? The bad guys lie to get in your bed, and the good guys lie to get in your heart. And I'm the idiot who falls for it every time."
You said that I wasn't an idiot and you tried to convince me otherwise. But you were lying about that too, because I fell for all of it again a few months later.
You got in my heart again and I hate you for that.
You said you were the guy for me. You said I would see. You said you loved me. You said it meant everything.
And right now I really wish you could keep your promise and rescue me from all of it.
Brooke
Lucas flinched. The grip on his heart had tightened. His anger for Peyton had lessened. Now he was just angry at himself, at how stupid he had been, how blind and selfish. Peyton had just told him she didn't deserve his love, but the truth was Lucas hadn't deserved Brooke's either. In fact, both of them didn't deserve having her in their lives. They had been black-hearted monsters who had crushed her heart while calling themselves friends.
He had broken all his promises to her. He had broken her. How could he ever live with that?
He moved on to the next letter, bracing himself for the worst.
Lucas,
It's funny how there were so many moments during high school when I wished I could be anywhere but here, and instead fast forward to a time in the future when everything would be finally be alright. But as we all separated on the river court last night I felt something change in me, and now I wish I could go back to the safety of the past four years – walking down the halls with Peyton, being a cheerleader, getting half-naked in the back of your car, going away for a week-end with my group of best friends.
The truth is I'm scared.
I'm scared I won't find my way; I'm scared everyone has their path marked down in front of them when I'm just eternally going to stand still with no direction to guide my steps.
You held me in your arms last night and for a brief moment it seemed like everything was going to be okay. That moment is long gone by now. The air is cold again and your arms have gone back to the place your heart now calls home – Peyton.
You said I was brilliant and beautiful and brave. You wrote those words in your book and they are now forever printed in my heart. The irony is that without you, I wouldn't have been half of these things. Sometimes I hate you for it, sometimes I am grateful. But it doesn't change the fact that you shaped the person that I am.
If I change the world someday, it will be because once upon a time, when you still loved me, you changed me into someone that could. I'm not saying I can't live without you or I can't be without you. But you make me a better person, Luke. You always have, for better or for worse.
I couldn't sleep last night because my mind was too full of memories to sleep or even close my eyes. All I could do was reflect on the last four years and how they have changed me and made me grow more than anyone you had ever known. I'm proud of how far I've come. I just wonder how much farther I can go.
I'm going to miss you, Lucas Scott. I've missed you for a while now, but moving across the country will just make it more real, more definite. And as I am sitting at the airport, waiting for my plane for LA to board, I know now more than ever that I am not ready for that. I wish you could stay in my life longer. I wish we could be friends like before.
I don't know how to say goodbye to you, Luke. I already didn't know how a few months ago, when we broke up. I even came back to you a few weeks later because the pain was overwhelming and I thought for a moment that maybe I could forget about Peyton's feelings and just take back what I had given up.
But as I listened to Whitey's speech that night, it occurred to me that while he was describing my feelings for you, he wasn't describing yours. When I said that trying to get back together was a mistake, you agreed. When I walked out of your life, you never fought to get me back. And as I watched Peyton during that night, I could see how much it hurt her to watch us together, and no matter how much I missed you, none of it mattered anymore. I let you go again.
And tonight, as the three of us walked into the airport, I didn't know how to say goodbye either. I stood there, frozen, my plane ticket in one hand, my heart in the other. The way you looked at her made me feel like my own hand was gripping it and crushing it until all that was left of it were scattered pieces on the ground. I had to get out of there so I just grabbed my bag, said a few words that probably made no sense, hugged you without even looking at you and walked towards the gate as fast I could. I went through security with my eyes full of tears and I didn't look back, afraid you would see them and understand.
I hope you have a good life, Luke. I didn't know how to say goodbye, but as we separate tonight, I want you to know that I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope you become the next great American writer and you get your book published soon. I hope your heart keeps on beating in your chest the way it should. I hope that one day you can look back on your memories with Keith and finally feel like the pain has lessened. I hope all your dreams come true over the years and that the one person you love will stand beside you to share them with you.
And selfishly, I hope you never forget about me. You know, Brooke Davis, Cheery, Pretty Girl – the girl you used to picture standing next to you when all your dreams come true.
But anyway. I'll see you soon, Broody. Hopefully.
Brooke
Maybe he should have felt better after reading this letter, proof that Brooke's pain had eventually lessened, even if it was to a small extent. But he felt worse now – so much worse. This was yet another unwavering proof of how amazing Brooke's heart was, how loving and forgiving and selfless she was. She put on a brave face in spite of her pain, just so he and Peyton would be happy. It had all been for them, and they had both been so ungrateful, so unworthy of her.
Her sacrifice killed him. It was a like dagger plunged deep in his heart, and hearing her talking about moving on and yet yearning for his presence only accentuated the pain.
And the hardest part was the sudden realization that after Brooke had written that letter, she had done what she should have done much earlier. She had started moving on.
And with that knowledge, a wave of panic overwhelmed him. It was selfish and he knew it, but he couldn't help wishing with all that he was that she hadn't moved on, hadn't given up on him. But what kind a person did that make him, to wish her more pain and longing when he had been shoving his relationship with Peyton in her face?
At last, Lucas opened the fourth letter.
Lucas,
I don't know how to begin this letter. I don't even know if I should be writing – maybe it's better for my sake if I try to forget the way I feel. But something about the way you looked at me tonight shook me to my very core, and I couldn't ignore those feelings even if I tried with all my heart.
When I let you go during senior year, I wondered how I was ever going to get over you. It took me a long time to accept the fact that you weren't coming back to me, but I moved on, eventually. I dated Chase, spent the summer in L.A., moved to New York, and then life got so busy that forgetting about how much it hurt was much easier. I could go on living my life knowing that you and Peyton were happy, and that maybe one day I would learn to give my heart again.
But you showed up in New York last night and everything changed. My world slowly but surely titled back on its axis during the night, and by the time I left you in that hotel room, I found myself back to square one – or should I say, back in the Bermuda Triangle of Death.
It would have been so easy for you not to call me, but you did. And maybe it was because we had broken up a long time ago or maybe just because the pain of losing you had finally lessened, but seeing you and talking to you after all this time felt like discovering an old friendship that was about to bloom into so much more. I had forgotten how easy it was to spend time with you. God, it felt good to hear your voice and see your smile.
And then you got down on your knee in front of me, and my entire being froze. My heart prayed for you not to say the words, but you did. You said the words that were meant for Peyton while looking straight into my eyes and I knew that this moment would forever remain burned in my heart.
Somehow I ended up wearing Peyton's ring and pretending to be your fiancée, and that's when I started losing all sense of direction. I could no longer tell north from south, and it wasn't just because of the free champagne. My head knew better but my heart was getting carried away, and when the carriage driver asked us what our life plans were, I wasn't pretending anymore. You were thinking about her the entire time while I was remembering the dreams we used to share.
I won't lie and say that it wasn't hard to let those moments pass by and keep my feelings buried deep down. But it all would have been okay if only you hadn't pressed your lips against mine in that hotel room. Why did you have to do that, Luke? What did you have to leave me wondering what it meant? That's the hardest part – not knowing if this kiss just meant that you were drunk and missing Peyton or if there is some part of you that misses me, somehow.
But do you remember what I once told you? I wish I could forget it now and pretend that this belief was never mine.
A kiss always means something.
I had to let you go one more time and I wish you'd had enough sense to hold back. How could you kiss me? We're not in high school anymore. We are adults now, grown ups living in the big scary world, getting engaged and writing books and starting fashion lines. And yet the taste of your lips transported me back to a time where you were mine and things were so much easier.
Part of me wanted to be selfish for once and act on my feelings. I wanted to kiss you back, and to hell with Peyton and stupid sacrifices. But it's not who I am. And it wasn't you either – just the alcohol. Because nothing would have happened, had you been sober. Right?
I walked out of your hotel room with tears in my eyes and it took the entire cab ride for me to calm down. It's amazing that after all this time, you still have that much power over me. You made my heart race and my head spin. You made me feel alive.
I wish you could take it all back now. All the things I gave, like the take of my kiss on your lips. I miss that now.
The man that drove our carriage through New York was right. Love is what it's all about.
I missed you, Broody. I wish you were in my life.
But you're not mine to have. Maybe you never were.
Brooke
Lucas closed his eyes in pain. He wasn't sure which pain, though; there were too many. They were assaulting him like a cold winter wind blowing on his face, leaving him frozen. There was the pain of seeing how little consideration he'd had for Brooke when he had kissed her that night in New York, mere hours after kneeling down in front of her and re-enacting his proposal to her best friend; the pain of realizing she ever thought, even for a second, that he was never hers; the pain of how much harder he had made things for her that night.
His thoughts swirled around in his mind as he stared at the four letters in his hands. All her words had imprinted themselves on his heart. They had woken up the very core of his being, infiltrated every ounce of his body.
His pain was her pain. His heart was hers. How had he let those two truths become so intricately and intimately linked?
And then, at last, as the rate of his heart beating picked up again, he realized that he had an answer to that question. And he was painfully aware of how long it had taken him to figure it all out, of how many hearts had been shattered in the process.
He had been in love with Peyton for as long as he could remember, ever since the first time he saw her, all tangled hair and skinny legs. He had fallen in love with her lonely silhouette and tortured eyes. She looked, sounded, and felt so familiar, like she was the one person who could understand who he was deep down.
She became a part of his life; loving her was a habit, an aching in his chest that he had grown accustomed to. He had grown up with it. And then one day, Peyton was in his life for real – not just in his dreams anymore. His heart was elated, not only because she was true and real, but because he realized then that he had been right all this time. There was a bond connecting them, something even Peyton couldn't deny as she struggled to let him in.
Lucas had always had a hard time defining exactly what Peyton and him were, but looking back at his feelings for Peyton now, he knew exactly the word he had been looking for. Soulmates. They knew each other. They recognized each other, deep down. They were the same tortured soul, shut down person. Finding each other was like finding solace, gaining the knowledge that there was someone in your life that plainly and simply understood who you were.
And then, as Lucas had tried in vain to get Peyton to open her heart to him, his life – his very heart – was changed forever, thrown off course by a girl who became more to him that he thought anyone could be.
He remembered vividly the night when he had found Brooke sitting half-naked in his back seat and she had asked him, softly and seductively, if he had felt it – the moment he would forever look back on and think "that's when everything changed."
Well, he knew now.
Brooke was his moment.
She had changed everything. She had changed how he saw the world, how he saw himself, how he saw others. She had transformed his world her way and Lucas had been forever altered by her. All this time, he had insisted that the comet wasn't anyone. Truth be told, he wondered how he hadn't figured it earlier. Brooke was his comet.
She was everything.
But he had been stupid enough to let her go the first time around. His heart was still longing for Peyton and the future he had always envisioned for them, and he had blindly refused to let it open up to Brooke. He had done the worse thing possible and cheated on her with Peyton. He still thought she was all he wanted, all he needed. How could she not be, when their bond was so strong?
But then he had seen the pain on Brooke's face, he had heard her heart crack open in her chest and everything had changed. Maybe that's what had provoked his realization – the fact that he couldn't bear to see her hurt, so much that it diminished his desire to be with Peyton to the point where he simply moved on from it.
Time passed, and he became friends with Brooke again. And then he couldn't deny it anymore, or run from it. He longed for her in a way he had never longed for Peyton. He missed her so strongly, so intensely. He missed who he was when he was with her. He missed everything about her.
No words could describe how happy she made him when she gave him another chance and let him in her heart. Peyton might be his soulmate, but Brooke and him… they had the same heart. They shared the same heart. He looked at her every day and marveled at how lucky he was that she was his. He wasn't planning on ever letting her go. He was the guy for her, and she was the one. She stood him with him, when the rest of the world fell down. When Dan didn't love him, when Keith died, when he quit basketball, she was his anchor, the ground beneath his feet. He didn't think he could ever tell her how much it meant to him that she was there through all of it, even when he didn't open up to her like she deserved it. It meant everything that she was by his side.
And now, he understood where everything had gone wrong. Brooke had broken up with him, thinking he would be better off with Peyton, wanting Peyton and him to be happy together. She had broken up with him because of Peyton's confession, but today Lucas realized that his reaction was maybe even worse than Peyton's backstabbing.
He had believed her. He had stood there and believed her lie. When she had told him she couldn't be with him anymore, he had stood there and said he was sorry. But how could he, he wondered now, so angry at himself that he started shaking and almost crushed Brooke's letters in his hands. How could he stand there and not question her words, her actions?
He thought she didn't want him anymore. He thought she had fallen out of love with him. And maybe that's what triggered everything that had followed – moving on, getting together with Peyton, declaring her his destiny. He thought Brooke had abandoned him, left him, just like Dan had, and then Keith. He thought she had stopped loving him, and he had forced himself to stop loving her back.
And now he realized his mistake. She had never stopped loving him. In fact, she had loved him enough to let him go and give him away to her best friend. He wondered what he had done to ever deserve her love.
He thought back to the few weeks after their break-up, before he and Peyton had gotten together. He could see now, with so much clarity that it made him physically sick, that she had gently but surely pushed him towards Peyton, making sure he believed she didn't want him that way anymore. The clearest memory of all was that of the night they had won the championship, the most defining moment of all.
Brooke was the first person he had held in his arms – the one standing next to him when his dreams came true. She had hugged him and shared his joy, and then she had sent him to her. And only now did he realize exactly how much that gesture had meant, and what it had changed. Brooke had stopped loving him, but she wanted him to be happy with Peyton. And Peyton was familiar, she loved him, and knew him. And so he had smiled back at Brooke, watching her perfectly composed face wish him to be happy with her very best friend, and he had walked over to Peyton. All these years, his life had been defined by the triumphing moment of clarity he'd had when he had kissed Peyton that night; the belief that he was and would always be in love with Peyton Sawyer.
But his clarity was only hitting him full force now. He could see everything now, feel everything the way he should have before. And he knew that he would have never felt that way about Peyton if Brooke hadn't let him go and pushed him to her. He had been too in love with Brooke to even consider the possibility that someone else could be right for him – even Peyton.
His face twisted in pain when he thought of all the time he had spent thinking Peyton was the one for him… and yet it was nothing compared to how he felt at the thought of how badly he had hurt Brooke, and how much she had sacrificed for his own happiness without him ever knowing. He almost wanted to be angry at her for making that decision for him and not giving him a choice. But then he realized, even angrier at himself, that she had given him a choice by letting him go – the choice to fight for her and look beyond her indifferent facade, or to believe her lies and do exactly what she had anticipated and feared all along – go to Peyton.
And he had chosen wrong.
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The title of the chapter comes from the beautiful song "Realize" by Colbie Caillat.
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