Will
He felt so incredibly stupid. He knew that he should say something...anything to ease the tension that had built up between them. But the longer they stood there, silent, the less he could think of to say. Where could he begin? How could he even attempt to explain the sense of loss he felt?
Here he stood, with the two people who knew him better than anyone else ever could...the two people he cared for most, and all he could feel was alone. No. It was worse than that. He actually wanted to be alone. Alone seemed preferable by far to being trapped in this circle that was now nothing more than the crumbling remnants of what had once been so grand. So he stared dumbly at the deck and tried to appear absorbed in the patterns of its worn wooden planks.
Silence was generally not an unwelcome way to pass the time for Will Scarlett. He appreciated its virtues in a way that few others could. He always tried to take the time to fully reason out his thoughts before determining whether to voice them, and so was known for his long stretches of quiet introspection. But this silence was nothing if not empty. And his thoughts were jagged and partially formed at best.
He wouldn't even dare to chance more than a fleeting look in Djaq's direction because he could not stand the disappointment he saw on her face. He wanted to make this better for her but how? Part of him felt as if he and Djaq should be acting as a unified front now. They were, after all, together. But it seemed wrong, somehow, to reach for her hand or place an arm around her shoulders with Allan so near. It almost felt like a betrayal.
Will found it wholly unexpected that he should be the one to feel guilty. It was Allan's actions that had brought them to this point. It was Allan's greed and discontentment. Allan was the one who had walked away, not only from the gang, but from them. From Will and Djaq.
But Will knew that it was not entirely so. Allan had not voluntarily walked out on them...he had been forced to go. True, he had made his own bed, but leaving had not been his choice. He would have stayed with them if he would have been given that option.
Will knew that Allan was the kind of man who would have found it easy to sell their secrets with one hand and clap them on the back affectionately with the other. All the while feeling no conflict, no pangs of conscience. Even if he had ended up feeling slightly bad about selling out Robin or putting their missions at risk, he would have convinced himself that it was totally separate from the special friendship that the three of them shared. But how could it be?
That was probably what had made it so difficult for Will when the treachery was discovered. Because, in truth, he knew that Allan loved them and would have given his life for him, Djaq, or both, without a moment's hesitation. They were brothers. Even Djaq. When the three of them were together there were no gender lines. Just three mates, having more fun than people living the kind of life they lived should have been allowed.
It was all so close to perfect, this unnamed thing between the three, that Will knew it would not take much for him to forgive Allan and welcome him back. That was his fear. That he would want to forgive Allan so badly that he would forget everything he knew about right and wrong...about loyalty and goodness. That thought had scared the hell out of him. Once before he had allowed Allan's charm to convince him to turn away from everything he held dear and he had still not quite forgiven himself for it. So he had known, when Allan's deeds had come to light, that he would have to distance himself from the man as much as possible. He simply did not trust himself not to cave in the moment Allan offered one of his famous ever ready explanations.
So he had shut him out as completely as he could and would not even entertain the notion that he could be redeemed. To accept that Allan could be saved would have been to accept that Will wanted to save him. And that would mean that Will was responsible for not throwing out a lifeline sooner. That he was to blame for not noticing the changes in his best friend and acting to correct things before they got out of control.
Why hadn't he noticed? Djaq had seen it. So why hadn't he? He could not blame it all on his grief after the death of his dad, either. It had been going on far longer than that, he knew. Was he so driven by his need to rescue the poor and right every wrong that he was blinded to what was surely right under his nose? That his best friend needed him and he wasn't there.
But that didn't account for all the guilt he felt, did it? He knew that a lot of it was tied into Djaq and his feelings for her. And her feelings for him! He had still not even completely wrapped his mind around that one. That she was in love with him too! How long had that been the case? And he felt like he should try to explain it to Allan. That he should let him know that the newness that was Will and Djaq in no way eclipsed the cornerstone that had always been Allan and Will and Djaq. That as much as Will was elated to find himself hand in hand with the woman he had loved for so long, it did not diminish Will's happiness at having Allan back with them. And he knew that the same was true for Djaq.
Will was sure that what they all really wanted was for things to return to what they had once been between the three of them. But he was very close to resigning himself to the fact that it would never be. He was no longer angry with his friend. Allan had come back. He had renounced the Sheriff and Gisborne and all that they stood for. He had turned his back on an easier life in order to come to their aid when they most needed him. But forgiveness now almost seemed the easy part.
It was the rebuilding that was just beyond their reach. Maybe too many things had happened and too much time had passed. Maybe too many hopes had been buried to even attempt to resurrect them now. Maybe the bond that he and Djaq had recently formed, the one that had served to make all of his dreams seem possible, had also served to sever whatever remained of the alliance the threesome had once shared. Or maybe they would never know the reason.
So he stood there and waited for one of them to speak and say the words that he dreaded hearing. That this tongue-tied discomfort, this shifting of eyes and shuffling of feet was all that remained to them. The spell had been broken and there was no going back.