Allan
He knew he should say something. He should start by saying again how sorry he was. And soon. Before one or both of them gave up and walked away. Probably hand in hand, of course. Damn! That wasn't fair. He shouldn't think things like that. He had no right to be jealous. No right at all. And he wasn't, really. Only, this wasn't the homecoming he had envisioned.
He had expected hurt feelings and angry words. He knew there would have to be apologies made and explanations given. To everyone. But especially to Will and Djaq. He had betrayed them the most. He knew that it would probably be a long road back to where he had left them. That they might even be unwilling to hear him out at first.
Well, maybe not Djaq. He had always thought that maybe she, of all of them, would give him a chance. But he figured that it might be harder to get through to Will. He could be so damned stubborn sometimes. But Allan had saved his life when he was about to be hanged. Okay, so he didn't exactly put himself out there, but he did allow that fool to keep his key once he'd discovered that it had been pinched. That should count for something, right? And the two of them had clasped hands that other afternoon in Nottingham when the Sheriff went missing and they assumed that they might all be goners. That was a beginning if Allan ever saw one.
It was that hope that had actually given him the courage to walk away from Gisborne. Allan wished he could tell himself that his friends being in danger had been enough of a motivating factor for him. But, the truth was, it had still taken quite a bit of working things out in his head before he'd been ready to take that final step back to them. He had spent several hours reassuring himself that there would be a place for him when he returned. That even if they were slow to forgive him, his two best friends would have kept his spot warm for him, and it would only be a matter of time before he could slip back in fully.
What he actually found was the last last thing he would have ever expected. They had closed ranks in his absence. Not just the gang...but them. Will and Djaq. Since when had there even been a Will and Djaq except to Allan? Allan was the only one who thought of them that way. As one thing. Will and Djaq. Like home or happiness. They were Will and Djaq to him. To everyone else, they had always been referred to either as individuals: they were Will or Djaq or Allan, just like Much or Robin or John, or it was always Allan, Will and Djaq...the three of them as one. The three of them. Not two.
But here they were. Will and Djaq...and Allan. Trying so hard to clear the air between them. Each one hoping one of the others knew what to say to start the ball rolling. He knew that they had questions for him. He had been prepared for that. They would want to know why, of course. That was a big one. And he was sure that there would be many other things that he would have to explain to them about the choices he'd made. And he had made up his mind to be as honest as he knew how to be. He really wanted a clean slate with them. He'd decided that he was willing to pour it all out for them if only they would listen. They could judge him and shout at him and scold him all they wanted. They might even punch him a few times. He would take it. He deserved it.
But neither of them seemed to know where to begin or what to ask him. He, in fact, now had a few questions of his own. Like, for starters, what the hell was going on between the two of them? Yeah. That was one that could surely use some clearing up. How long had they been this way? Had they jumped into each other's arms the moment he had been kicked out of the gang? No wait. He wasn't suppose to refer to being kicked out by Robin. He had practiced this and he was suppose to say he left. That's right. I knew the consequences when I agreed to take money from Gisborne. I have only myself to blame for being kicked out...er..leaving. Personal responsibility was important right now. He knew that Will and Djaq would be expecting him to try to blame someone else for his problems. That's what he'd always done. But not this time.
He didn't know quite what to feel about the two of them together. He knew that Will had a thing for her. Hell, everybody knew that. He sometimes thought that even Djaq knew. But it almost hadn't mattered before. Everyone just accepted Will's love for her like one of those things you get so used to that you don't even notice anymore. Like Much's watery stew or John's snoring.
It was something that Allan knew Will would never do anything about...mostly because he loved her. Yeah. Try to figure that one out. It was like, to Will, Djaq was happy with the way things were. She was happy being one of the lads, even though she wasn't really. I mean they all accepted her as an equal member of the gang and all that, but she was the only one who really thought of herself as not a woman. The rest of them knew damn well she was a woman and they actually respected her more for it. Although, come to think of it, she was kinda more man than any of them sometimes. Oh man. Now my head's starting to hurt. Enough of that.
So where was I? Oh yeah. Will wanted Djaq to be happy, and he figured that her knowing he fancied her was not the best way to make that happen. So Everyone knew he would never tell her. Simple as that. So it didn't matter. Not even to Will. He just seemed to accept it as a fact of life the way that everyone else did. He was fine with it. So it had never really bothered Allan. Why should it? It was not like he wanted her for himself or anything. Really.
Alright, sure, she was special. He'll give her that. And he liked her. There wasn't another woman out there who could compare with her. But Allan had always just figured that was because he'd never really gotten to know another woman that way before. And Djaq was the kind of woman who only opened up a little at a time. So, if you were lucky enough to spend enough time with her, you could really get a glimpse of what she was made of. Allan had never stuck around long enough to get that close to a girl. But then, it was easy with Djaq 'cause she was fun. You actually wanted to chat her up and listen to her stories and see her smile light up her whole face when she talked about her homeland and...erm...but still, that did not mean he liked her the same way that Will did.
In fact, he felt nearly the same way about Will that he felt about Djaq. Except the stuff about the smile lighting up his face. It would just be weird to think about a bloke that way. But the rest was certainly true. Will was the kind of mate you knew you could count on. He was true and solid. But not in a stodgy, stuffy kind of way. He was a bit too moral, yeah, that was true. But Allan supposed there were worse things to be. Plus, he was always up for a good time. Well, maybe not exactly the same kind of good time that Allan was always up for, but he could still be a lot of laughs. And he made Allan want to be a better man.
The best thing, though, had always been the three of them together. Whether they were making deliveries, running from some guards, fighting for their lives, or just having a laugh, they always felt like they were right where they belonged. It was crazy too. 'Cause Allan had never stayed in the same place with the same people that long before. It just wasn't his style. You get in, size everyone up, avoid their strengths, play on their weaknesses, grab whatever you can carry, and get the hell out. No looking back.
But somehow Allan had started to think that he might just have found a place to settle down. Not so much a place, as people to settle down with. Will and Djaq. He had started to have the idea that, even after this whole thing with Robin and the gang was over and the king returned or whatever, there might still be something he could hold on to. And he wanted desperately to tell them that. To tell them even when he had started spying for Giz he had never really considered that he could lose them. And even after everything came out and he knew that it was over, he had still not been able to find the courage to just leave town like he knew he should. He just couldn't do it. He wanted...no he needed to stick around and be close by. Just in case. Just in case what? He didn't know. But just in case.
He wanted to tell them that he'd thought of them everyday he'd been at the castle. That he'd thought of a hundred different scenarios for winning back their trust. From cleaning out the Sheriff's strong room and presenting its contents to the gang, to flat out throwing himself on their mercy and offering to act as a double agent. But these confessions died on his tongue. 'Cause, well, he didn't do any of those things, did he? No. He'd kept right on betraying their trust until the very end.
But now there was more wrong between them than just his betrayal. Now something was missing. It just didn't feel the same. It was more than them being ticked off at him. And it was more than the two of them being a couple or whatever the hell they were now. Something deep down had changed and Allan didn't know what. He didn't think they did either. In fact, he could tell from the looks on their faces, when he'd worked up the courage to take a peek, that they wanted it back almost as much as he did.
But it was gone. It was like some part of them had died and they would probably never get it back. So they stood there like idiots. None of them quite ready to give up on what they'd had. Each of them willing the silence to fill the void and drag their relationship out just that much longer. But, at the same time, knowing that, at any moment, somebody would speak and the spell would be broken for good.