Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers.

Author's notes: Sorry, again :S I have tried to write whenever I had the chance, but I just began to study again so I have been real busy last few weeks... I promise I'll do my best to get this finished as soon as possible.

Still Alive

As the last one of Megatron's memories stopped from rolling, Starscream felt embarrassed, humiliated.

His mother, Lonestar... She truly had been a whore. And a traitor.

Starscream felt dirty. He had probably been conceived by accident, by a dirty mech who had paid his mother for the night.

Starscream had watched almost all of Megatron's memories of his mother. And they all suggested that he didn't even exist. Megatron had helped Lonestar, given her credits, supported her. Starscream wondered if he even would be here today without Megatron.

Starscream was ashamed of her mother.

Starscream had wanted to find out who his mother really was, why she died and when. It was ironic that Megatron had the answers to all of his questions. Starscream himself had only fogged memories of her, he had pushed all of them deep down in his processor, forever to be forgotten.

But now he knew all about Lonestar, the female he called mother. Starscream wished he didn't have a mother at all.

All his life, Starscream had thought that she had abandoned him, left him to survive on his own. The bond between him and his mother had never really been there, there was only the knowledge that she was gone, dead. Nothing more.

"Mama loves you."

That was what she had said in Starscream's own memory. But as Starscream had begun to understand, love wasn't always enough. She had been foolish, much like Starscream himself. She could have had all that she would ever need... But she always wanted more.

Greed.

It transformed a person into a monster, like Lonestar.

But Starscream understood her a little. Living in the poor areas of Cybertron was not easy. Especially for a female.

Femmes didn't have any rights back then. They couldn't get any education, no real jobs, no one hired a femme. No one decent. The only way for a femme to earn money was to sell her body as a whore or as an exotic dancer.

Only a femme living with a mech had rights. A femme who lived alone, without a male creator, brother or a male mate was seen as dirt. Those femmes had no rights. Lonestar had been one of those females.

Megatron had wanted to help his friend, his best friend as Starscream had learned. And he did help her.

Before long, Lonestar was Megatron's property. Megatron had bought her from her protector, like she was an object, not a living and feeling person. But what sickened Starscream the most, was the fact that Lonestar felt no shame about it. She hadn't been ashamed of giving her body away in order to get credits. And she hadn't been ashamed of being treated like an object.

Megatron had shared his plans with Lonestar, she became his Second-In-Command. Ironic, as Starscream now thought about it. He had trained her every day, and she soon became an excellent warrior. He had introduced her to his inner circle. Shockwave was among it, with his own mate.

That had caught Starscream completely off guard. Shockwave had had a bondmate, a female even. And a beautiful one at that; a Seeker called Mystica.

She really lived up to her name. Shockwave didn't know much about his bondmate and the femme herself was a mute. No one really knew her. Maybe she had had secrets she didn't want to share? Starscream would probably never find out, she had killed herself before the riot. No one knew why.

For years, everything had gone smoothly. Megatron had gained more allies by every passing day and with his closest friends beside him, there was nothing in the universe to stop his big plans from becoming reality.

But as so often in life, things went wrong.

When the Senator had been murdered by Megatron and he had begun the riot, Lonestar had sold him to the Autobots. Her best friend, her supporter. She had betrayed Megatron for money.

Guilty.

That was what Starscream felt. Guilty for being the son of a traitor and a whore. She was dead and Starscream would soon be too. And Primus would never take a sinner like Starscream into his arms. No, Starscream would go straight into the Pit, into the eternal agony.

"We all make mistakes... Worst of mine was trusting you."

Megatron had said that to Lonestar, just before he shot her. And in his blind rage, Megatron had killed a battallion of Autobots.

Starscream was a little wiser again.

Truth be told, they were all victims; Starscream, Megatron, Soundwave. All these conflicts and suffering just because of Lonestar. Messing up one mech's life, ending up with three lives messed up.

Would everything be different now if Lonestar had told Megatron about her sparkling? Surely Megatron wouldn't have killed her if he knew about Starscream?

Starscream didn't know how Lonestar managed to hide him from Megatron all those years. In fact, Starscream didn't understand why she had wanted to hide him. Perhaps she felt it necessary in order to keep Megatron supporting her? A sparkling needed alot of energon and eventually, a new protoform. Usually no one wanted to have a sparkling because they were so costly.

Starscream wondered who had given him his adult protoform, definitely not his mother, that much he had learned from his own memory. Starscream dismissed it as unimportant.

The most important thing was that he now knew everything about his mother.

Starscream sobbed in the dark room. He was a fool and a traitor, son of a whore and a traitor.

And now alone too. It felt disgustingly familiar.

No one was going to save him, not anymore. Starscream kept tugging at his and Hellscream's bond. There was nothing to hang onto, he was roving about aimlessly for his bondmate. There was no one at the other end of the bond.

Hellscream was dead, Starscream had felt it. But was he sad for the right reasons? He didn't love Hellscream. He only loved the comfort he had given him.

He had been so close to getting the life he had always wanted. Now, he would die alone. Alone and abandoned by everyone. Despised by everyone. Just like all those millenias ago. And this time Hellscream wouldn't come and save him. Starscream felt he deserved it.

The door hissed open. Starscream's air vents began to cycle air erraticly, he was scared and nervous. Megatron would probably put him through hell before killing him. The price every traitor had to pay.

Starscream glanced at the silver mech entering the room, then quickly turned his head away as he saw the glint in the Decepticon leader's optics.

'That's it, I'm dead.'

Megatron stopped and stared at the helpless Seeker, his hands on his hips. He didn't smile. The silence made Starscream crazy. He only hoped that he would be killed swiftly and painlessly. Starscream swallowed hard. The Decepticon leader kneeled beside the berth and leaned his elbows on it's surface. He sighed heavily.

The silver mech's hand caressed Starscream's dark face.

"I still remember when we met for the first time." Megatron spoke suddenly. "I couldn't tear my optics off you." He made a thoughtful pause. "You looked like an angel. Just like your mother." Another pause. "How wrong I was... But, this is not about your mother. This is about us."

The ebony hand touched Starscream's lips lightly, confusing the little Seeker more. Still, he didn't turn to look at Megatron.

"Well... Here we are once again. You have betrayed me."

Starscream let out a whimper. Then he broke down to tears.

"Against better judgement, you chose to go against me once again."

Starscream didn't know what to say. He chose to stay quiet.

"Starscream... I love you. Very much. I could have given you the life you always wanted. I still can." Megatron took Starscream's tied hand into his own. Starscream finally looked into his optics. "Starscream, can't we just put this all behind us? Start again?"

Starscream's optics widened in surprise. "You're not going to kill me?"

"Dear Primus... Of course not. I don't tend to repeat my mistakes. I could never..."

Starscream blinked. "Not even after all that I have done?"

Megatron bit his lower lip. "No. You believed all those things of me and I... I betrayed you too. I made a mistake. Starscream, I can forgive you... If you forgive me too."

Just like that, Megatron opened the chains on Starscream's limbs. Then he stood up to his full height and Starscream sat up.

"I'd like to pick up what we left off. That is if you want it too... And I understand completely if you don't. I am not trying to push you into something you're not ready for." The silver mech said. Starscream lowered his head.

"No."

"No?" Megatron repeated in disbelief. Starscream shook his head. "I love you... But I can't do it. Not yet anyway. I just lost my bondmate. I... I need some time for myself. I need to think about all of this. Alone. Maybe I can someday be with you again, but not yet. I will let you know when I have made my decision. In the meantime..."

Starscream swallowed his tears and lifted his head up. "I would like to continue my job here as your Second-In-Command. If that is okay with you."

Megatron blinked a couple of times, then looked at the floor underneath. "Yes, of course." Megatron said, acting as if nothing had happened. He cleared his throat and turned his back on the Seeker. Starscream took the cue and quickly walked pass him. Not even glancing back at the silver mech, Starscream walked out the door.

In the corridor, he started running.

XXX

Starscream quickly entered his quarters and closed the door. He lied down on his berth and sighed. It had been the weirdest and longest night of his life. So much had happened in only few hours... He still wasn't quite sure if it was all a dream or not.

He was still alive.

What now? Back to work tomorrow? Yes, he had probably gained alot of paperwork during his absence. And work would make him forget about his mother and his bondmate. Starscream didn't know if he should be sad. Sure he had cared about Hellscream, sure he had loved his mother, but it wasn't enough. Neither of them had never thought about him while making decisions.

Hellscream always saw himself superior to Starscream. More than once Starscream had been forced to follow him, but not anymore. It felt, in fact, quite good to be the one making decisions, not just following orders. He was his own master once more.

No, he shouldn't be sad for Hellscream.

Nor for his mother.

Lonestar could have considered the consecuences of his betrayal. She could have thought about Starscream before making rash decisions. She could have given her sparkling to someone else, to someone who would have taken care of him in case something happened to her. But she hadn't even once thought about the consecuences of her betrayal. She hadn't thought about Starscream at all. All she had cared about was money, credits. The price she got from the Autobots.

She had died for money. It served her right.

"They paid me well." She had explained to Megatron.

Because of her, Starscream had been alone for almost all his life. Sure he had had Skywarp and Thundercracker, then Skyfire, but what he had always wanted, was a family. He never really belonged anywhere. He never had a family. No creators, no siblings, nothing.

Should he stay with Megatron now? After all that had happened? Megatron sure had made clear that he wanted the Seeker. But Starscream didn't know what he wanted. Things had become so complicated...

It wasn't meant to become so difficult, it shouldn't have. It should have been just him and Megatron, like they had planned. But now... Everything was so complicated.

So what should he do?

He could stay with Megatron. Or he could leave. He could find someone else, someone who would take care of him. He could leave the war behind him. It was against the law, it would ruin his honor. But who cared? Not Starscream. He just wanted a family. A big family, lots of sparklings and a loving mate.

That was why he hated Soundwave so much. The telepath had all that Starscream had always wanted; a family, respect... There was only one thing Soundwave didn't have that Starscream did; friends.

Starscream thought about Thundercracker and Skywarp. Maybe he should call them?

Yes, he needed their company right now. But would they come? Did they care about him enough? Could he trust them with all this?

"Let's try..."

XXX

Megatron entered the med bay for the second time today. Soundwave glanced at him as he entered the room.

"Feeling any better?"

The telepath nodded. His creations were asleep around Laserbeak. Ravage's offline body lied right next to them. Megatron took a seat beside his Third-In-Command.

"How is Laserbeak?"

"Condition: Stable. No significant damages."

Megatron nodded absent-mindedly. They were quiet for a while, listening to the soft breathing of Soundwave's cassettes. Rumble muttered something incoherent in his sleep. Frenzy answered to him by taking his hand and crawling closer to him. Buzzsaw's head rested on Laserbeak's wing. Soundwave's creations had amazingly strong bonds to each other.

Megatron still remembered what it was like to have a brother. Losing Optimus hadn't been easy, but losing a sparkling, or in Soundwave's case, a creation, had to be much harder. Megatron turned his head towards Soundwave and grasped the telepath's shoulder. Empathy wasn't something he offered to many mechs, Soundwave was the only one. And Starscream... But he didn't count.

Soundwave grasped the hand on his shoulder, squeezing it desperately, as if it was a beacon light in the dark. A soft sob escaped the telepath. "I know why you're here." He said suddenly. "You came here to leave me. I know you love him. And I'm sorry... That I lied. I shouldn't have... I-"

"Apology accepted. Now, let us never talk about it again."

"You're not mad at me?"

"No."

Soundwave shut his visor and leaned his head against Megatron's shoulder.

"Ravage is gone, Megatron."

"I know."

Silence.

"Will there be a funeral for him?"

"Sure."

Soundwave swallowed.

"You think he's with Primus now?"

Megatron snorted.

"I don't believe in gods anymore."

Soundwave nodded. "Okay." The telepath was quiet for a moment, thinking. "You know what I'm going to do after Ravage's funeral?" He asked his leader after a moment. "What?" Soundwave onlined his visor again as he sat up straight.

"I'm going to create a new cassette, a new creation. Just like Ravage, but maybe smaller. It will have your optics and a silvery body. It will be a femme, I'll call her Ruby. She will continue Ravage's job and my family will be complete again." Soundwave sounded somewhat funny, with his monotone voice so full of enthusiasm.

So this was how Soundwave dealt with his grief; a new creation. No wonder he had so many.

Megatron smiled to his liutenant. "That's a good plan, Soundwave."

Soundwave turned to look at his leader. "I... I'm happy for you, Megatron. You got him back. If Starscream really does make you happy... Then I won't stand in the way of your happiness. You have my blessing. And I promise I will leave you two alone."

"Thank you, Soundwave. Your blessing means alot to me. However, Starscream has not yet decided if he wants to be with me at all."

Soundwave nodded. "I understand him." He said, surprising himself. It was true. He understood Starscream.

And he understood that he had lost, there was no point in fighting for Megatron anymore. And he had made a promise he would keep. Right now he would concentrate on Ravage's funeral, and the creation of his new cassette. Nothing else really mattered to him right now.

Ravage and Ruby. A dead creation and an unborn creation.