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The Big Game and Revelations

I don't know how to start. I don't know what to do… Oh God… How did this happen? It's my fault! I should have stayed with him. I should have stopped him. How did it happen? Why…

He's asleep… There's a cast on his foot, and IVs infusing his arms. And the head wound while it's bad, it looks much worse then it is. He's alive and his mind is still intact, no thanks to that son of a bitch. The doctor said that he's dehydrated.

I haven't talked to him since we found him. He wouldn't look at me after we got him in the ambulance. He looked so guilty and as young as eight years old.

God… I wish I had pulled the trigger on Tobias Henkel. All I could do is kill a pack of killer dogs. It should have been me. It's too much, damn it. It's too much… He has to be okay… I can't live without him. Please God, make him be okay…

Hotch came in an hour ago and tried to make me leave. I won't leave… I don't care what they do to me. I don't care if I lose my job.

I hate this place… I don't want to be here with Spence. I want to go home. Why won't they let me take him home?

I have to tell it! I have to tell it because I can't stand to have it running through my brain. How does he do it? How can he stand to see a crime scene or a photo and know it will be in his head forever?

Start at the beginning, I have to start at the beginning. Everything was going to be alright. We all got together at our favorite pub to watch the Super Bowl. I can't believe that everything is gone, that everything has changed in just a few days. I can still see Spence smiling at Morgan and Garcia flirting, or how happy Hotch looked with Haley.

We separated after the game because some of the regulars challenged me to darts. Spence is terrible at darts, so he went to find his friends. I should have stayed with him. What's a stupid game of darts compared to what happened next.

After winning a game, I got a phone call about a new case. I couldn't resist messing up Spence's hair when I walked by the table. His friends love to tease him about me, so I had to give them a reason. I wish I could've ignored the phone. I wish the other team had caught this case. I wish…

We went to Georgia. Someone was killing people and putting their murders on the internet. It was some kind of religious freak. The guys thought it was a killing team. Oh God… I wish it had been instead of what it was.

Hotch sent Spence and I to talk to Tobias Henkel after a young woman was torn apart by that maniac's dogs. We thought we were going to talk to a witness, but it turned out that Tobias Henkel was the un-sub. He had multiple personalities. One of them was his father Charles and the other was Rafael. We didn't know that though till later. Spence left me to go around the back of this barn. I went inside and found the dogs. They attacked me and I had to kill them all.

Spence was taken by Tobias while I was dealing with the dogs. I didn't know he was gone because I was so afraid, I couldn't leave the barn. I let him take my Spence away. I should have tried harder to stop it. I shouldn't let my fear get to me. I almost shot Morgan and Prentiss when the team got there. They asked me where he was and I couldn't remember what happened for a minute. I didn't know my arm was bitten. I didn't understand what was happening.

The only thing we could do was look over Tobias' home for clues. We found his dead father in the cellar, his body preserved with ice. God… it was creepy. He had journals that he'd written in his father's handwriting. There were quotes from the bible all over the walls. There was a whole bank of computers to go through so we brought Garcia out to help us.

I could see the agony in her eyes when she came in the door. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't, the tears wouldn't come. I let her cry for me. I had to keep it together. I went with Emily to talk to Tobias' sponsor. He had a problem with Dilaudid, we discovered, which didn't help the situation at all.

I almost shot Emily too… I was in the bathroom and I thought the dogs were behind me again. Will I ever hear a barking dog and not think of this day. I don't know what to do. I tried to get Morgan to admit that I was the one the messed up. He told me I'd have to figure it out. I wanted to be blamed and I wanted to be off the hook too and he wouldn't do it. I hated him for that!

The killer let us see Spence over the internet. He was badly beaten. Tobias made him pick the next person to die. Spence tried to fight him, but it didn't help, he forced Reid to pick someone. The guys went to the new scene, but it was too late.

I made Garcia let me look at the video of the most recent murders. I was very mean to her about it. She still tried to talk me out of it. She didn't understand I had to be able to watch it. It was horrible, but I did it.

Gideon made Garcia take the feed off the internet. She said she couldn't, but he kept after her till she said she could put the word out that there was a virus in the feed. Then it was just us watching him hurt Spence. Spence gave us clues - even though he was hurt, he gave us clues.

He died… Tobias killed him… He was dead for several minutes. I wanted to die too. I wanted to go find Tobias and make him kill me too. He was there all alone with that psycho, and he died. Tobias brought him back. I don't know why, but he did CPR and brought him back.

He tried to make Spence chose which one of us to kill. Spence said he wouldn't choose, so Rafael pulled the trigger. There was no shot. He asked again, and Spence said no. The whole team was in agony, I could feel it all around me like thick blanket trying to smother us all. I don't know how I didn't break down and cry. I thought I was going drown in the pain of watching. Then I was just angry… I wanted him to pick one of us, even if it was me. I knew that Tobias couldn't get to us and I was angry that Spencer let Rafael do that to him. Then there was only fear as Rafael kept pulling the trigger. I kept flinching, thinking that the gun would go off, but it never did until after Spencer picked Hotch to die and then the bullet went into the wall.

We got more clues because of Spencer's choice and the fact that he misquoted a bible verse. Hotch found the correct verse and it led us to the cemetery where Tobias was keeping him. We had to go through the woods in the dark with flashlights. I only held it together knowing that Tobias was going to kill him, this time for real if we didn't find him.

When the gunshot echoed through the trees, I thought it was over. I thought he was dead and we were too late. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. But, it was okay, he killed Tobias, it was all okay. He hugged Hotch and then I hugged him and said I was sorry. He let me off the hook. He shouldn't have let me off the hook. It's my fault…

I don't know what's going to happen now. He's so white and still… Please let him wake up. I know things will never be the same, but I don't care right now. I just want to see his eyes and hear his voice. Please let him wake up and talk again.