Bar Stories, I am under SO much pressure to get these up in time for each respective holiday…
This chapter is not meant to insult any firm believers in Christianity, people like my friend Maria who are true devotees. No, it is merely the work of crazy atheists who wish to poke some fun at their major fandoms.
Chapter 4: Christmas From Hell
"OY! AZULCAT!" I bellowed as Silver and Draye teetered on my shoulders. "WE NEED YOU TO COME AND PUT THE STAR ON TOP!"
We had just finished untangling the lights and putting them on the tree, and I was all decorated out. After pitching in to help the decorating committee cheer up the school, I needed a break.
"But I can't!" objected Azulcat. "I have to finish setting the table!"
"Screw that, we need you here! We're about to fall over!" yelled Draye as she very nearly missed gouging my eye out with her shoe.
"Remind me again why I'm on the bottom?"
"Because you can shift your muscles to hold out longer. Azulcat, NOW!" screamed Silver as she clung to the evergreen pine tree for support.
"Oh, fine," sighed Azulcat. She grabbed hold of my shoulders and hoisted herself up, ignoring the protesting screams muffled by her elbow in my mouth. She then climbed over Draye and Silver as the tree shook dangerously.
"Um, will someone please hand me the star?"
I muttered something that was blocked out by the doorbell. I looked up at everyone else, who shook their heads to show that this could wait. I scrabbled behind me for the golden star, snatching it up just when a second more would have made us fall. It was quickly passed up to Azulcat, who stuck it on top of the tree and climbed down gracefully. As the human—er, creature—ladder disassembled itself, I grumbled to Draye.
"Why couldn't I have just turned into a hawk and flown it up there?" I asked as I went to answer the persistent ringing of the doorbell.
"It was more fun this way." Finally losing her patience, Draye creamed "What is so urgently important that you need to ring the doorbell every consecutive second!"
She jerked open the door to find Padme, Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Yoda before her. All were covered in snow, as they had had to burrow through 5 feet of it to reach the door. They came, in getting snow everywhere.
"Oh, my mom's gonna kill me…" I moaned as I surveyed the damage.
"Oh, Nora's pretty cool with stuff like this," commented Silver.
"Yes, but I was supposed to keep the house clean! That was the only condition on which you guys were allowed to come over!"
Azulcat raised an eyebrow. "Snow melts, Emerald. Snow melts."
We seated the Jedi and the Senator and were trying (unsuccessfully) to light a fire when the doorbell rang again. "Arrg," I muttered as I dusted myself off and opened the door to find Roy, Riza, Ed, Al, and Winry.
"Alright, who invited the chibi?" I demanded as Silver and Draye shuffled their feet sheepishly and Ed glared at me.
"We thought he'd be lonely, it being Christmas and everyone else being here," explained Draye.
Azulcat had taken command of the kitchen, and had caution-taped it off to the guests. A large sign was hung: "KITCHEN OFF LIMITS".
Silver and I slipped under the tape and surveyed the battle zone.
"Look, Azulcat, you can't just cook a Christmas dinner without backup. You need help, and desperately."
Together the three of us managed to wrestle a fully fledged dinner out of the various food items floating around, and Draye was immediately notified that blood pudding was hereafter banned from any of my holiday gatherings.
We found her armed with a butcher's knife, trying to keep Winry at bay.
"But it's so shiny! So masterful! I just have to disassemble it!" whined the mechanic.
"What's she up to now?" I murmured to Draye.
"She wants to take apart your laptop," she replied, not taking her eyes off of Winry.
"NO!" I immediately shouted. "You can't! You can't! It's unthinkable what you could do to it!"
"But why?" Winry asked.
"If you destroy my computer," I growled, "I swear I will not hesitate to kill you."
"Fine, be that way."
The doorbell rang yet again. Muttering darkly, Draye, Silver and I left Azulcat to guard the dinner and stalked off to answer it.
We found Inuyasha, Kagome, and Sesshomaru waiting in front of the door.
"What are you doing here?" I asked Kagome. "The invitation was sent out only to Inuyasha, Kikyo and Sesshomaru. And where is Kikyo, anyway?"
Draye kicked me. "Kikyo IS Kagome, remember?"
We sat them all in front of the fireplace, which thanks to Roy was now up in flames. As we herded everyone into the dining room, Wrath, Sloth, Envy, and Lust showed up.
"Good, you made it," said Silver. Envy glared at me.
Behind them, just as we were about to close the door, Murtagh and Arya burrowed out of a snow bank.
"WHAT! YOU'RE DEAD! I KILLED YOU LAST CHAPTER!" I shrieked. Arya shrugged.
"I hope I'm not late," remarked Islanzadi from behind them.
"Nope, just in time," said Azulcat.
I took my place at the table. Draye sat between Sesshomaru and Inuyasha, effectively separating them so they didn't kill each other. Kagome looked at them worriedly, but Draye reassured her that it was under control. Azulcat called everyone to order.
"I would like to just take this time to remind everyone just why Emerald Tiara invited you to her first Christmas: she wanted everyone to get along for at least two hours."
"I did?" I whispered to Silver.
"She had to beg her mother to allow this," Azulcat continued, "and now I think she would like to speak.
"I would?"
"Just do it," sighed Azulcat.
"Okay, did you all bring presents for everyone as per requested in the invitation?" The characters nodded. "Alright then. Tonight we will be opening presents, because I refuse to let you all spend the night. After dinner, we will all gather around the tree that took forever to decorate, and be very happy and or annoyed at what we got. Stockings are already hung.
However: since none of you have ever had a Christmas before…you are all going to have the complete Christmas experience. So we shall all after dinner go play in the snow. Now eat!"
Dinner passed without incident, if you don't count Yoda wrestling Murtagh, and Sloth trying to drown Kagome. Oh, and of course Roy attempting to hit on Islanzadi (unsuccessfully).
We went outside after I went up to the attic and found a shitload of coats, snow pants and gloves. Azulcat called for a snowman contest, and Silver and I were well on our way to winning when something hit me in the back.
That something was cold, wet, and signaled the start of a battle. That something was a snowball.
I turned around to find Lust, Sloth, Envy, and Wrath ganged up and looking very smug. Slowly the rest of the characters abandoned their snowmen and drifted over to the four homunculi.
"Authors versus characters," said Envy with a grin.
The four of us looked at each other; we knew we were hopelessly outnumbered. Then the first missiles came.
We cowered behind a pitiful fort, trying to come up with a plan before we were defeated. I leapt up, turned into a dragon, opened my mouth, and immediately ducked behind the fort again as my mouth was stuffed with snowballs.
It was impossible to see anything; the air was so thick with snowballs. Swallowing my pride, a stood up, and with Silver transmuting a shield, bellowed "WE SURRENDUR!" Laughing evilly, the characters went inside as we authors followed forlornly after.
Then we gathered around the tree…
Well, first we opened stockings. I was very happy to receive a little model of Tronjheim, the size of my fist.
Then we gathered around the tree.
On the count of "three—two—one—go!" by Silver, wrapping paper flew everywhere. I squealed as Draye's present, a new rapier, was revealed, and Draye wasted no time attaching her new Envy keychain to her katana. Silver gasped as she opened her new , and Azulcat grinned as a beautiful phoenix figurine emerged.
Inuyasha stared at his present. Then he jumped up and started chasing me around the house, demanding that I tell him where I found the two shards of the Shikon jewel that I had given him.
Wrath ran up and hugged me. "I can't believe you got me a punching bag with a picture of Ed on it! Thank you so much!"
Yes, people. I'm amazing.
Lust received an elegant mirror, courtesy of FedEx, because I had connections with a FedEx employee. Through negotiations, I managed to get it delivered early. Sesshomaru…well, he was hard. He got an iPod, just for the hell of it.
Arya smiled as she found a new bow and quiver, and raced outside to try it, nearly knocking over Ed as he examined a book on the Philosopher's Stone. He barely noticed.
Al was too absorbed in his present to pay attention to anything else: he had received a live kitten, and was busy raiding the fridge for some milk. Winry smiled over her new over tool set.
Roy cackled as he discovered a new pair of gloves that would allow him to make fires in the rain. "Now you can't call me useless!" he shouted at Riza, who promptly aimed her new gun at him.
Padme was admiring a blaster, as Envy grinned at an assortment of knives.
Anakin, too, got a mirror, but only because he needed to practice looking innocent. Obi-Wan got a gift certificate to Lowe's, because Azulcat had caved under the pressure and finally bought something from telemarketers.
Yoda was mildly offended at a book of grammar, but quickly realized it was a joke. Kagome was confused, but once Silver explained what it was, Kagome quickly joined Arya outside to practice her archery from her new Archery for Dummies book. Murtagh was extremely angry over a documentary film on how not to be angsty, but a quick chat with Azulcat helped him realize his problems and he soon hijacked the TV.
Islanzadi had been particularly hard to shop for, but in the end Draye had the bright idea to get her a ticket to see Dr. Phil with Arya about her parenting problems.
Arrg…I have five days to get two chapters up…
I'm not even going to answer your reviews, because all of you were in this chapter.