Back in the bar again… so much stress, to post two chapters in 6 days…

Chapter 5: Figments of Imagination

Michelle and I looked around and whimpered in self-pity. The bar was packed.

We squeezed through the crowd. Finding a small table at the back, we sat down.

"Remind me why I'm here?"

"Because, by default, you are the only one eligible for a chapter. Everyone who reviewed was already here."

"But I'm not an author. And I'm against alcohol," stated Michelle. "And why is your hair blue if your name is Emerald?"

"Because," I explained very slowly, "Envy already took the green-hair idea. And blue is cooler, and if you want I can make it another color."

"Okay. Why not yellow?"

I gritted my teeth. I should have expected this. Oh well, I could at least be difficult. Rolling my eyes, I stated "Bright yellow? Neon yellow? Piss-yellow? Gold? Dirty blonde? Pale yellow? Mustard yellow?"

"…Just keep the blue," sighed Michelle. "Weren't we supposed to be annoying someone?"

"Take your pick, look around." I gestured at the many characters filling the bar. "No, wait, on second thought don't."

Michelle raised an eyebrow questioningly. I gestured to a table across the bar at which four characters sat. She thought for a moment, then grinned and nodded hard.

You know you're good friends when you can do all that without speaking.

We sauntered over to the table. Artemis Fowl, Holly, Butler, and Foaly looked up at us expectantly.

"Who are you?" asked Artemis.

"Well that depends, I can be anyone you want me to be." I Shifted into Minerva, then into Artemis's mother. "But for the time being you can call me Emerald. I'm a Shape-Shifter."

Foaly looked up from his Palm-Pilot-ish thing that he was working on. "A Shape-Shifter? Is that an unknown kind of fairy? Do you all have gemstone names? Are there very many of you?"

I rolled my eyes and sighed at the same time. "No, as far as I know I'm the only existing Shape-Shifter. No, I am not a fairy. I could be if I wanted to, though. And my full name is Emerald Tiara, but everyone just calls me Emerald."

"How do you do it, though? Do you have to concentrate, or is it an unconscious reaction? Is it the product of science? Or is it magic? Or were you born this way?" Now it was Artemis's turn to be the inquisitioner.

Michelle cleared her throat, to remind me that we were on a schedule. I nodded, and turned back into myself.

"So, Holly, you're awfully quiet today. What's wrong?"

Holly blinked. "Well, if you don't count having missed three years of my life, I'm perfectly fine. Why do you ask?"

"I'm curious. Anyway, Artemis, what's your favorite color?"

"Um, blue?"

"Thank you," said Michelle. "We'll be right back." We left, leaving the four characters looking very confused.

"Now, where can I find the nearest A.C. Moore?" I asked the barman.

"Down the street and to the left," he replied without looking up.

We ran down to the store, and quickly came back after Michelle had to pull me away from the art supplies.

We ran down to the store, and quickly came back after Michelle had to pull me away from the art supplies. Quickly constructing a thing out of posterboard and construction paper, we returned to Artemis's table.

"What would you say," we asked the characters, "If we told you that you were all characters in a book, and that your very lives were being controlled by a number of authors who decide everything that happens in your lives?"

"I would say you were crazy," replied Butler, "and that is impossible because we make our own decisions, and nobody decides our lives for us."

"Poor, ignorant Butler," said Michelle sadly. "You really don't know, then. Everything we say is true."

I whipped out the posterboard to show a compilation of all the Artemis Fowl book covers, along with the actual books themselves.

"Take a look," we advised. "But don't say we didn't warn you." Holly and Foaly dived for the books, each taking a copy of The Eternity Code and The Opal Deception.

"What the…" said Butler, immersed in The Lost Colony. "It's all true."

"It is indeed," replied Artemis, scanning The Arctic Adventure. "How could we not know that all this time we were being controlled by a man named" he checked the cover "Eoin Colfer?"

We nodded sympathetically. "And that's not all," I said in a stage whisper. "Countless fanfiction authors have taken it into their own hands to create new adventures for you all. Why, right now you are being subjected to my own whims, as you are at this very moment in my own story."

The characters looked sad. "So, none of our decisions were ever our own, but merely the influence of somebody else?" asked Holly.

We would have nodded, but…

"Emerald Tiara, Reader Michelle."

We turned around.

The bar had frozen. It was as if time had stopped. In the middle of the bar stood a beautiful woman.

"I am Clio, Muse of History," the woman said. "Although, enough fanfiction authors have put up mini-shrines that I am thinking of changing my title. Writing is a form of recording history, after all."

We dropped to our knees. "We are not worthy, we are not worthy!"

"Stop." The word was spoken with immeasurable authority. "You two have broken the laws. By the Law of Author-Character Interaction, authors may speak with their original characters or canon characters, under the sole condition that they may not reveal what you two have just revealed. No character is EVER to know that they are figments of imagination!"

"Um, your holiness?" Michelle raised her hand timidly.

"I am not a goddess, I am a Muse. The proper term to address the Nine Muses is 'inspirationliness,' stated Clio.

"Okay, your inspirationliness."

"Speak, Reader Michelle."

"Well, I'm not an author. Am I still restricted under these laws?"

"Am I correct in saying that you have an account on and approximately two days ago you sent an e-mail to Emerald Tiara, revealing that you had an idea for a possible story?"

"Damn," I said under my breath. Out loud, I said, "Can we be let off on a first offense?"

"Perhaps. As punishment, the next time you come to this bar it will be OC night."

"Ah well, I guess I deserve it," I said forlornly.

"Yes. You do," said Clio. "When I leave, none of the Artemis Fowl characters shall remember anything you told them. Be warned that the next time you reveal a character's origin, you will be severely punished with writer's block for two years. Behave."

And she was gone.

The bar was noisy again, as if nothing had ever happened.

So, the muses think they can stop my fun, huh?

Next up: New Year's from Hell!