HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Note: like the Christmas chapter, the frequent uses of 'Jesus' as a swear word are not an attempt to insult the Christian population. Emerald Tiara is the only character who says it, because she is me, and that is the swear word I most frequently use. I repeat, I am not trying to make any statement by using 'Jesus,' except to prove the point that I am annoyed in the story.

Today, instead of at my house, my New Year's party was being held at Fowl Manor.

This is because my mother had forbidden me to have it at my house. This is what she said: "Let you invite a bunch of crazy characters on New Year's so they can get drunk and ruin my house? Do you think I'm crazy?"

Yep, that's Mommy for you. Except I don't call her that. Nor have I for about 309 years.

"But Mom," I whined, "why?"

"Because if I know anything about you, you will invite Draye, Silver, Azulcat, and Michelle. And while Michelle does not drink, the rest of them can't hold their liquor for anything. Aside from that, knowing you, you will also be inviting characters from Artemis Fowl, and I am sure faeries are easily drunk, from that time you Shifted. You will also invite several Homunculi, and Lust can easily cut through the three padlocks, five chains, and the bolt I have on the liquor cabinet."

"Mom, I'm 313 years old! I think by now I can host a New Year's party by myself!"

"Yes, you are 313, and I am your mother, and you will not have a party here!"

"Jesus Christ, woman…"

And that is how we ended up at Fowl Manor.

"But why MY house?" asked Artemis for what must have been the fifth time.

"No other characters have such a huge house. Your fault. Let's see," said Silver as she listed off characters. "One, you actually live on earth."

"And," added Draye, "Inuyasha doesn't have a house, Ed burned his down, Eragon lives in a tree, Arya I just can't see letting us have a party in Ellesmera, Anakin lives on another planet, and Holly lives underground. See my point?"

"It's actually my point," I call from the ceiling as I hung a Disco ball in the ballroom. "But you can have it too."

"what can I do? I feel so useless!" cried Azulcat. "I hate being a human!"

"No," said Silver and Draye simultaneously. "No, you don't."

I slipped off the ladder and fell, quickly Shifting into a hawk and soaring around the room.

"Okay, maybe you do," agreed Draye.

'Haha, you're normal…" said Michelle.

"What, and you aren't?"

"No, I'm not," said Michelle, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "It's not the sort of information one gives out freely, but I am an Alchemuncuzodifreak."

The three of them blinked a couple of times. I looked over my shoulder. "Yeah, she is. Didn't you know?"

Michelle sighed. "For your information, an Alchemuncuzodifreak is a Homunculus that can do alchemy and is also a member of the Chinese Zodiac. As far as I know, I am the only one in existence."

"So," said Draye slowly, "like in Fruits Basket, if you get hugged by a boy you would turn into a…what, exactly?"

"A zebra." She looked at everyone's faces. "I didn't choose it!"

"So, you're a Homunculus that can do alchemy and turns into a zebra when a boy hugs you? And you're a member of the Sohma family?"

"Distant cousin."

"So where's your Ouroboros tattoo?" challenged Silver.

I sighed at them from where I was perched as a gryffin on the railing. "Jesus, are you blind or something? Look at her forehead!"

They looked. Indeed, scrawled on Michelle's forehead was an Ouroboros tattoo, albeit the strangest one they had ever seen. It was the traditional dragon eating its tail with a Jewish Star in the middle, but in a circle around it were arrayed small drawings of the twelve members of the zodiac, including the cat…and a zebra. And it was all clustered inside a transmutation circle.

"Ahh! I could kill that doorbell!" screamed Azulcat. "It always rings! Just goes 'ding dong, ding dong,' I want to SHOOT it!"

Michelle wordlessly handed her an Uzi.

"Thank you!" Azulcat poured several rounds into the door. "Where'd you get an Uzi?"

Michelle shrugged. "Raided Butler's room, I've also got an assortment of knives and grenades if you want some."

Draye opened the door as Silver made sure that the door to the wine cellar was well and truly locked. (It wasn't, but she wasn't telling anyone!)

In the doorway stood a very scared-looking Al, with Izumi and Ed behind him, looking equally weirded-out. No surprise, really; a crazy teenager had just shot 36 bullets at the door in front of them.

"Um…hi?" said Azulcat sheepishly.

Izumi glared at her. (God, people, you have no idea how long I've been waiting to put in Izumi!)

"For God's sake, Mulch, how many times do I have to tell you that you do NOT have to come in from below anymore?"

"But Butler's going to attack me!" The three authors and the one author's best friend/ author-to-be grinned. Holly, Mulch, and Foaly had arrived.

I greeted them graciously. "Welcome, welcome, make yourselves at—WHO INVITED HER?" I seethed in anger. "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING? Why do people keep inviting characters whose guts I DESPISE? First Ed, now Minerva…what is going on here?"

"Well…." muttered Michelle. "We thought Artemis needed someone to kiss at midnight."

"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" I shrieked. "Come ON, we are authors! We cannot afford to have pity! We use these characters to serve us! WE are in charge, not them! They are tormented, made fun of, and ultimately killed in several painful ways in numerous fanfictions! We are the deciders of their fate! WE rule their LIVES!" I announced, with a look on my face much akin to the one Kyo has in Fruits Basket Volume 3 when he announces that the endurance run is like a battle.

Michelle flicked my nose. "Deal with it."

I growled incoherently as the French teenager came in, acutely aware of my flagrantly flaring nostrils and doing her best to ignore them.

Murtagh came alone, or so we thought, because who should show up behind him but Nasuada?

"If they kiss at midnight, can I borrow the Uzi?" Silver muttered to Michelle.

"Same here but give me a grenade instead," I whispered.

"Emerald, you wouldn't kill Murtagh and you know it," said Michelle, annoyed.

"Nope, but I would kill Nasuada. Again I ask, who invited her?"

Draye giggled nervously. I drop-kicked her off the stairs.

"I do hope I'm not late…"

Draye, Silver and Azulcat blinked at looked at me questioningly. Michelle and I screamed a scream the likes of which have never before been heard on this earth.

"Grace, dear, what have you done to your hair? It's all blue! And Michelle, why is there a tattoo on you head? Why are the two of you screaming so loudly, for heaven's sake?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

Running as fast as we could, we slammed a door open and darted into Artemis's study. "Why the hell is Mr. Clancy here?" I whispered violently to Michelle. "How did he know we were here? Who invited him? Who told him to come here?"

"I don't know," whispered Michelle. "Just hope he doesn't start parsing 'amo, amare—"

"—amavi, amatus," I finished. "Don't you DARE start. I haven't gone through one of Mr. Clancy's Latin classes for 301 years; I'm not planning to any time soon."

She simply shuddered. "Okay. Our mission is clear. We must kill him!"

"Gee, ya think?"

"Okay, but let's make it an elaborate, painful and humiliating death!"

I groaned. "Aww, can't we just tie him to a rock and drop him off a cliff into a lake? I don't want to elaborately kill anyone. Not this chapter."

"Ugh, FINE!!! But next chapter…." Michelle waved her fist threateningly.

"Yes, I want to kill him as much as the next person. But still. I don't want to this chapter."

And without further ado, we marched out into the ballroom, grabbed Mr. Clancy, tied his feet to a boulder, and dropped him into a lake.

The doorbell rang again, and Azulcat started ranting again. By this time, the door had been reduced to a couple of planks of wood.

Shigure poked his head inside. "Am I to take that as a sign that we're not welcome here?"

"No, no, come in," said Michelle breezily, waving Shigure, Kyo, Uotani and Hanajima inside.

Draye poked me. "Since when do you like Fruits Basket?"

I pointed at Michelle. "Blame her."

Silver ran up to us with a look of (fake) worry on her face. "The characters have broken through the wine cellar! They've gotten through!"

Azulcat snorted. "Yeah, and if you actually locked the door I'm a fish. Come on, then: we can at least stop them from getting to the tequila."

As we passed, I heard Butler whispering to Artemis "Why is there tequila in the wine cellar?"

"There isn't," he replied, confused. "At least, there wasn't, last time I checked."

"Well there is now," said Draye. "Emerald put it there."

"Heh heh…" I laughed nervously. But then Azulcat ran screaming from downstairs.

"They've gone wild," she panted. "The characters have gone wild!"

"Oh shit!" Draye and I ran down to the ballroom to see for ourselves.

Utter chaos. It appears that Michelle and Azulcat had failed: The tequila hadn't been saved. Nor had the champagne, wine or vodka.

Silver and Michelle were clinging to the chandelier, sitting on it with no apparent intentions to come down. Izumi, Kyo and Uotani had taken over the DJ booth we'd rented. Hanajima was terrorizing Mulch and Nasuada, Ed was attempting to dance, so was Al; both were making total idiots of themselves. Everyone else…well let's just say that it was not a quiet room.

"Jesus Christ!" I swore upon seeing it all.

I launched myself off the balcony, quickly grew some wings, and joined the others on the chandelier.

"It's madness! Utter madness!" screamed Silver over the noise. "Why the hell do you insist on hosting these parties?"

"Because otherwise I spend all my time getting drunk! How would I know it would get so out of control? May I remind you that it was YOUR fault they got through to the alcohol in the first place?"

Michelle whispered in my ear. "Emerald! It's 11:50!"

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit…! What do we do?" whispered Azulcat fearfully.

"Well, we stay here," remarked Silver. "Unless of course we get hit in the face with something."

"A bit late for that," Draye grumbled as a stray champagne cork hit her nose.

"Michelle!" Silver got Michelle's attention. "I'm gonna need some help on this. Can you make some fireworks while Emerald steals some matches?"

Michelle nodded.

"Okay then. Get to it!"

Michelle clapped her hands and created several fireworks from a keg of wine we hauled up. "Why can you do it without a circle?" I whined when both Michelle and Silver clapped their hands. "Because we're awesome like that," they replied.

"Jesus," I muttered. "Anyway, let's get to it!"

It was now 11:59, with 40 seconds to go. I lit the match. The fireworks were ready. The clock chimed.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" we screamed. The room exploded in a burst of multicolored sparks. It was all very pretty, and multicolored, and we smiled and congratulated ourselves on a plan well conceived.

However, everyone else was too drunk to notice.

Pissed off, we stormed away.