A/N: Dinner tiem? Yes indeed. Chapter Four may possibly include Ilforte, or it may possibly include Grimmjow beating up Szayel. If you know anything about how I write, though, it will probably be the former, because I suck terribly at describing physical pain and fighting. But I'm very good at crazy, weird, random writing, and I'm gonna make Ilforte really, really gay, so I can't wait to write that. In fact, I'm still deciding on Ilforte's proffesion, but it will probably either be a hair stylist, male model (but then Szayel and Ilforte would be rich, and that might be hard to write since I already have no idea how to write rich people, since I've tried OHSHC before) Thanks for the reviews, by the way, this story is slowly gaining popularity, one review at a time XD. And sometime or another, we'll meet Renji's swim coach >:D which will be fun. But dun worry, those are not big spoilers. I'm not laying out the entire story for you in this note. If you didn't know, by the way, there will be amazing smexy Ishida/Szayel about chapter five or six, nothing bad, but there will be mansmex eventually (the rating will go up, as I stated in the summary) . By the way, you do not have to read everything Szayel says, but you only have to know that it was pretty nasty.

Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo. I own a Grimmjow alarm clock, though. I bought it on eBay, cuz eBay rules.

After Renji had grudgingly set the table, almost forgetting a place for Szayel, until Ishida flicked his hand and pointed to the empty spot. Ishida took the soup out of the tiny refridgerator and put it in the microwave.

'HeyUryuu, guess what?'

'What Renji?'

'Rukia was with Ichigo today when they stopped by, you were still in class, and Rukia was like 'Hey Renji.' It was awesome, and I made her tea and accidentally forgot Ichigo, but then I remembered and Ichigo was all 'Dude, what the hell' and I was like 'Sorry man' but it's okay, cuz even though Ichigo's a cop and all, I have my tight athletic abilities.' Szayel and Ishida stared at him in horror. Finally, Szayel spoke, fake confusion intermixing skillfully with sarcasm.

'I'm sorry, I don't speak that. Could you say it in Japanese now?' Renji scowled and turned away, half-hurt, half-mumbling about how gay he was. Ishida smiled at him though. Szayel felt a little more comfortable, and worried he would start doing "the thing". His older brother Ilforte had come up with the name, and since Szayel couldn't think of a possible scientific name, it had remained "The Thing". Ilforte had it too, but he did it to anyone, and it wasn't as severe. Whenever Szayel got even the slightest bit friendly with anyone, he couldn't stop talking. He tried to control it, but soon as someone would show any measure of friendship to him, he would start yapping about butterflies, or panthers or some other strange topic. "The Thing" was evil, but luckily, there were people who could handle it. He doubted Renji could even stand it for more than a few minutes, but in high school, he had met a quiet girl named Halibel who just listened to him all day while he rambled about things, the conversation starting at 'Oh, I see you got the chicken,' and ending in Szayel explaining a paradox he had read about online. It wasn't his fault, he just assumed everyone thought what he had to say was really interesting, and all the information he found in books and on websites was as intruiging as he thought it was. So when Ishida sat down across from him, Renji beside him, he had to bite on his lip not to burst into a rant about anthropology.

'So, Szayel, what do you like to study most?' Renji groaned and dove headfirst into his soup, slurping it down as quickly as possible while taking the fruit out of his mouth. Oh God, here it came. It was like Ishida was asking, "talk until your throat is sore, Szayel." So he thought of what came to mind. And didn't stop.

'Well, you see, I'm interested in poisons, which is something that caught my eye, but before that I liked zoology and entomology, but when I was in middle school I mixed bleach and rat poison together to see what would happen and fed it to my hamster. Needless to say, that wasn't good, and ever since then I've been interested in poisons.

Have you ever tried voodoo? It's quite fun, I read a book about it once, and now I make voodoo dolls when I'm bored, because I have some basic sewing knowledge, so I don't have to tell you that they're not very well-done. My brother took one home. My brother, Ilforte, is horrible. He has no shame, always flirting with my old roommate, Nnoitra, and his friend Tesla, before he left with some green-haired girl, and sometimes he comes here. He says Grimmjow Jaegerjacques is hot, but he's also a jackass, which I said, but he didn't believe me,

'Are you aware that blood can be used as a lubricant for many different purposes? Not the kind you're probably thinking of, Renji, but you can use it as grease or to melt ice. I did some experiments this winter involving blood a lot. Another thing you should probably know is that your friend Orihime didn't use curry in this, but I think a Western spice that tastes like curry, but I can never remember it's name, because it tastes like curry so I always assume it's curry until I taste it on the tip of my tongue, because I have extremely sensitive tastebuds there. See, right heah, whay I'm poyntin? I was reading a book one time about how your tastebuds work, but it was extremely dull. But the human body in general is fascinating, isn't it? Have you ever dissected a human? I bought one that was donated to science one time and dissected it at home, and Ilforte got all pissy because I got body fluids on his countertop. And did you know that people in the 1700's used to think that dead bodies were vampires sometimes because people would dig them up again after they buried them and see blood on their lips, but it's only because your body has leftover blood and there's pressure on your torso, and since you're decomposing, and there's gasses that make you look "well-fed" so people were real idiots back then. If you had the pnuemonic black plague then you also looked vampiric, because you were very pale and blood would linger on your lips, and also if you had tuberculosis, like Professor Ukitake, that art teacher. The pnuemonic black plague actually had a higher death rate than the bubonic plague, because your lung tissue would basically rot and-'

'Excuse me, Granz, while I throw up now,' Renji interrupted loudly, slamming his bowl on the table. Szayel blinked and slumped in his seat, looking depressed.

'That, Szayel, is what some call, for lack of a better phrase, "diarrhea of the mouth", and it's okay, but that was just very long and very detailed,' Ishida smiled at Szayel, who tried to smile back really, but Renji merely looked at his soup as if it was the devil.

'I'm not hungry any more.' Ishida stared at Renji, uncomprehending.

'What, is there something on my face, Uryuu?'

'Szayel, call an excorsist.'

'No, don't let Szayel use my cellphone. And why do we need an excorsist?'

'Are you afraid of the gay germs, Renji? And why do I need to call an excorsist, Ishida?'

'That is the first time he has refused a meal, that wasn't Orihime's, since I've known him.' Renji pushed Ishida over and laughed. Szayel rubbed his lower lip self-consciously. He hoped everything would still be okay between Ishida and him. He didn't give a damn about Renji, Renji could go die, but Ishida would make a good friend, and he was smart and handsome. Szayel shook his head and cleared his thoughts. Ishida could be his friend, but that was it. Who knows what would happen if he even considered anything more?

A/N: Bwhahahaha, I made Szayel totally unhappy. I know he doesn't usually talk in that long of a period of time, but I needed to make his character similar to real Szayel's but still have some of his own qualities, and I do that sometimes too, except not as bad, so I put it in there. Poor Szayel. By the way, I knew all that about vampires and the Black Plague. I love bubonic plague, it's my favorite disease (I have a favorite disease, what about it?)

Next time, maybe Ilforte. Or maybe not.