Happy Passover, bitches. Happy no-bread week. The only good thing about Passover is the charoset and the wine. And my grandma's awesome matzo-ball soup, which I wont even be having this year, because we booked our flight a couple days late, so instead im having the Seder at Draye's house.

Note: this is all based on—not a retelling of, but based on—true events that happened tonight at Draye's house during the Seder.

Chapter 10: Passover from Hell

"Bwahahahaha!" Draye and her friend Silver Bat laughed. We had Zafe in the computer chair and were attempting to brush his hair. We were at Draye's house for the Seder.

"But now we need to go downstairs," I reminded everyone. "So, what are you waiting for? Wine awaits!"

"Shut up! We still have 5 minutes!" yelled Draye. Zafe had escaped and we were trying to hold him down. "Emerald! Now!"

I sighed and stepped on Zafe. "You know your name rhymes with ass, right?"

He rolled out and gave me the finger. "Time to go down."

We sat at the table. "Draye," said Bat in a murderous voice, "where is the wine?"

Draye cringed. "We're going to try to have a cough--I can't believe I'm saying this—sober Passover, so we have grape juice instead."

I shrugged as Bat seethed. "Give me any liquid that is not water, I can guarantee that I will get drunk. Or at least it'll have the same effect."

And, since Draye was an idiot, we had the 'family' version of the Haggadah. "And when the Israelites were slaves in Egypt, there were children just like you who weren't allowed to sing and skip and play yada yada yada…Draye what is this bullshit?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Um. It's the Haggadah. Family version. Okay," said Draye, reading ahead, "Now we have to dip our fingers in the, um, grape juice, and put ten drops on our plates to represent blood."

Bat stared at us. She and Zafe were not Jewish.

"Egypt! It's a land of sweets and joy and…joyness…" Bat said in a high-pitched whisper.

"Welcome to the world of the Jewish." Draye clapped her on the shoulder. "Oww! Fuck! Stop stepping on my foot!" She glared at Zafe. "Now we have to…march around in a circle to represent going out of Egypt."

"Can we not? And I think I wanna use the normal Haggadah now," I sighed.

"Egypt! It's a land of sweets and joy and…joyness…" Bat said in a high-pitched whisper.

"Argh! Stop quoting Charlie the Unicorn!" I clapped my hands over my ears.

"Okay, technically at 279, Zafe is the youngest, so he would have to say the Four Questions," remarked Draye.

"What?" Zafe looked panicked. "I can't read Hebrew!"

"Hum. Lets skip those." I threw the page aside.

Bat just sat there giggling and looking confused.

"Can we just hurry up and eat the charoset already?" whined Draye.

"No, because now we have to do the toast thingy," I reminded her.

"Hey, let's sing the fiddler on the roof song," suggested Bat.

"To life, to life, l'chiam, l'chiam l'chiam, to life, something to think about, something to drink about, drink l'chiam to life!" I looked around. "Am I the only one who knows the actual words?"

"Probably."

"Dear God, do we seriously have to eat this?" Draye looked at the Haggadah and looked back at the horseradish sitting on her plate.

"Yep. Let's go!"

We apprehensively put the horseradish in our mouths. In three seconds flat we had raced to the bathroom and were busily scrubbing our mouths out.

Back at the table again. I grabbed the bottle of grape juice and poured. Zafe held out his glass. "No way am I pouring for you," I retorted.

"Can I eat this stuff yet?" he picked up his parsley.

"No, but we're gonna do that next—" too late. Zafe had already eaten his parsley.

"You do realize that if you had waited about thirteen seconds you could've eaten that?" asked Bat.

"Shut up, I'm impatient."

"Okay…" Draye read. "WewillnowopenthedoortowelcomeintheprophetElijah…" Bat rolled her eyes. "Think you can read that a little faster?"

Draye shrugged and opened the door. "IT'S BARNEY!" she screamed.

Everyone else emitted a high-pitched shriek. "Just kidding," smiled Draye.

We heard a snore from Zafe's end. He had fallen asleep. Bat looked at Draye. "Can I…?"

"Be my guest." Draye smiled serenely.

Bat grabbed her bowl of matzah-ball soup and poured it on his head. The hot soup ran down his mouth and he started choking, and then he passed out a second later.

"And what did that accomplish?" I asked.

"Nothing, but it was fun."

"Okay, now that we've effectively skipped over most of the Seder, let's eat!" cried Draye.

"Sorry." Bat and I had gotten impatient and eaten already.

"Fine. Let's find the Afikomen!" she yelled!

"Not so loud, not so loud…" I whacked her.

"Find the afikomen, Charlie! Find the afikomen!" said Bat in the same high-pitched voice.

"This is really stupid," groaned Zafe, who had woken up by now.

"Shun the nonbeliever! Shun!" whispered Draye in The Voice.

"OH yeah! Boom! Who's good!" I crawled out from under the couch clutching the afikomen. "Hey, wait, this is chocolate matzah!"

"Yeah. Let's eat it." Draye smiled secretively.

"Hmm…okay, something is seriously wrong with this chocolate," I mumbled, crumbs spraying.

"Yeah, I mixed blood pudding in it!"

We rushed to the bathroom again, leaving a cackling Draye behind.

"Yo! Look what I found!" shouted Bat from the kitchen. She brought froth a whole bowl of charoset.

"YAY!" I screamed.

As we ate, Draye was playing with one of those sticky-hand things. It swung around and knocked over Bat's glass. She grabbed the hand and started bitch-slapping Draye with it.

I laughed. And kept laughing. And I wouldn't stop.

"Um, Emerald?" asked Draye nervously. "How much grape juice did you drink?"

"Five glasses," I choked. "Why?"

"I spiked it with wine!" she wailed.

If you people have never seen Charlie the Unicorn, you have missed out. Watch it on youtube.