Vail—note: Emerald was not actually here for this, shes just repeating what happened, as retold from her loving hubby myself!

Emerald—VAIL! GET OUT OF MY AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!

Vail—but-but-but—oh shit no honey put down the sword please don't kill me WHAT'LL YOU TELL THE KIDS AWW NOOO!!

Emerald: much as I hate to admit it, he's right and I wasn't there, I'm just typing in what he told me. A lot of this is probably made up, but who am I to disagree?

Vail—moans in bloody heap on floor

Chapter 14: Father's Day…Shoot Me Now

At the bar

There was silence.

Draye, Hilaria and I sat at a table. It turned out Hilaria was actually my sister, adopted by Elizabeth when she was little, but now we know.

"Do you think the kids have killed them yet?" she asked, breaking the silence.

"Probably." I shrugged noncommittally and sipped out of my mug.

"Remind me why we aren't there but Bat is?" Draye wondered.

"Your father was killed by my husband who is…oh crap, he's out there with my kids…and my and Hilaria's father was killed by our mother. Bat is there because her father is still alive."

Yeah, I think in this chapter an explanation really is necessary.

See, Demy is Bat's and Draye's mother through different fathers, Eric and Marquis. Eric was killed by Vail, Draye's brother, when he was possessed Vail also killed his twin brother Yos. Vail and I had two children…and I actually never leave him alone with them…oh well. Draye had twins with Trey, and Zafe had children with Kath, who is dead, and Marquis, Vail, Trey and Zafe are out there…on a hike…with their children, for Father's Day.

Draye's children, Nelly and Dante, are 15-year-old twins. Nelly, the girl, reads too much and is trigger-happy, while Dante, the boy, is loud, obnoxious, and blood-lustful. Nobody really knows what species they are, but they live off demon blood.

My children are Erah and Rayna. Erah is 11, a girl, and a Shape-Shifter who cuts. Don't get me wrong, she's not emo, she like the sight of blood. Rayna is 7, a girl, not a Shape-Shifter but amazing with my rapiers, and she bites herself to see the blood come out. Creepy, my children.

Demy and Marquis' daughter, Bat, we have already met.

Zafe's son, Kasai, I don't actually know that much about. I only know that Kasai might mean 'fire' in Japanese. Oh, and his hair is blonde-ish with red tips, and he can control fire.

"Fifteen bucks says Vail and Bat team up on Zafe," I commented.

"Deal."

On the mountain

"Okay kids, let's get hiking!" Trey cheerfully shouted.

"Dad?" Nelly said.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

Vail rolled his eyes. I don't actually know what they were THINKING, letting us alone with the kids. Half of us will probably end up dead.

"Oh my god I feel old I feel old I feel old…" Bat sat among the rocks curled up in a little ball rocking back and forth.

"Come on Bat, that just means you're special," Marquis said. "It means out of all your friends you're the only one whose father hasn't died yet."

Erah and Rayna were behind a tree whispering.

"Did you bring the TNT?" hissed Rayna.

"Yes, yes, yes, did you bring the knives and the poison?" Erah rolled her eyes.

"Yeah. Now, as long as Kasai remembered the thumbtacks and Nelly and Dante brought the nail polish, we'll be okay."

"Hey, kids, what're you planning?" called Vail suspiciously.

"Nothing, Daddy!" they laughed in unison.

Zafe rubbed the back of his head. "Vail, I think I should warn you. I just found 30 thumbtacks in Kasai's bag, and you know how our children plot together. You might want to look through their stuff."

Trey looked at the sky. "God, we're such fathers. I feel so responsible."

"Draye would shoot you if she heard that," chuckled Marquis.

At the bar

Draye sneezed. "Someone's talking about me," she muttered murderously.

Back on the mountain

The kids raced off up the trail. "No! Wait! Come back!" yelled Vail.

"Bribe 'em," suggested Bat. "And when that doesn't work, offer to teach them how to pull out a small intestine through the mouth."

"OY, KIDS!" shouted Trey. "WANNA LEARN HOW TO REMOVE THE SMALL INTESTINE?"

In less time then he could blink the children were sitting in front of him in a semicircle.

"Uh, you were kinda supposed to use the money first…"

"I have a better idea," said Zafe. "Hey kids, wanna learn how to fly?" And with that he twitched his fingers and the children, Bat included, soared off the cliff and hurtled over the edge.

Zafe cackled and clenched his fist. In a rush of wind the children and Bat landed on the ground next to their fathers.

"YOU—STUPID—BASTARD!" screeched Bat, and she proceeded to beat the shit out of him.

"You IDIOT!" shouted Vail. "How could you DO that to my daughters?" He drew his sword and began hacking at Zafe's arm.

Trey grabbed Vail and held him back; Marquis did the same to Bat. "Whoa, guys, hold on a sec! You can't kill Zafe; he's my cousin-in-law, Bat's cousin, Vail's cousin, Marquis' nephew, Erah, Rayna, Nelly and Dante's uncle, Draye's cousin, and Emerald and Hilaria's cousin-in-law!"

Bat looked at him. "And all of that pales in total comparison to the fact the he THREW ME OFF A CLIFF."

"Ah. I see," commented Marquis. "Well in that case I guess I'll just have to assist you in chopping off his arm."

"Oh, wait a sec, where're the kids?" cried Trey in panic.

"CRAP!!" the word rang through the mountain.

Kasai stifled a giggle as he took out the many thumbtacks that had escaped Zafe's search.

"What's the plan again?" asked Dante.

Nelly whapped him on the head. "We're gonna wrap the knives and thumbtacks and poison and nail polish around the TNT. Then we will ask our fathers for candy and computer privileges. If they say no, we blow the mountain up and splatter it purple. As an added bonus, the sharp thingies will fly outwards. Simple but effective."

Erah laughed darkly.

"Uh, there might be a problem with that." Two girls, obviously identical twins except that one had reddish-purple hair and the other had white hair, walked out of the woods.

Rayna blinked. "Why is there a problem? And who are you?"

"There's a problem because our father won't let you do that. I'm Maple, she's Oak." The red-purple-head gestured to the white-haired one, who waved. "We're technically your cousins."

"And who's your father that we should be so scared?" replied Kasai.

A man stepped out of the woods. At the same time, the rest of the dads and Bat came into the clearing.

Vail saw the man and screamed like a little girl. "Waah! What the fuck! I killed you! You're supposed to be dead! Why aren't you dead!!?"

"Yos, what the hell!" shouted Marquis.

"Dude!" yelled Bat. "You're dead!"

The man, now revealed to be Vail and Draye's thought-to-be-dead brother Yos, rubbed his forehead with his hand.

"You had kids?" shouted Zafe.

The bar

A new woman walked through the door. She made her way over to our table.

"Who're you?" muttered Hilaria.

"I'm Saule. I have a husband up on the mountain with our kids, and I think they'll meet up with your relatives soon."

Ten minutes later

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Draye as her brother walked in. "YOS! AREN'T YOU DEAD?"

"Oh Jesus," Yos muttered. "Do I have to explain it again?"

Vail clapped him on the back. "Probably."

Yos swatted his hand away. "Don't touch me. Last time I saw you, you were trying to kill me."

"It's okay now." I patted Vail's arm. "He's not possessed anymore."

Yos stared. "You married Emerald?"

"Guys, guys! Can we fast forward to the part when you explain why you're still alive?" Draye banged the table.

"Okay, so, when Vail tried to kill me he didn't, I just almost died. Then I met Saule and we had kids."

"Wait a minute," I seethed. Draye ducked under the table, sensing an explosion.

"You had children? You got married and had children?" I hissed. "Does that mean that I have to, yet again, rearrange the goddamn family tree?!"

I am the official keeper of the family tree. I edit it whenever someone dies or gets hitched. Only now I'm running out of room. So whenever someone changes their marital status, I get mad.

I sobbed into my hands. "Yos, you are the worst brother-in-law ever!" I wailed.

Okay that kind of sucked.