ACK…I've decided to skip Rosh Hashanah and head on straight to Yom Kippur, but then I realized I just did a holiday (July 4) and therefore have to include another filler chapter.

THEN, I realized how much fun it would be to do Rosh Hashanah.

I'm in a very make-fun-of-Rabbi-Davidson mood, so here we go. (Thank god he doesn't know about this story)

Chapter 17: In the Bar, There is No Religion. (The sort-of Rosh Hashanah chapter)

"So let me get this straight," I mused. "Your middle name is Faye."

Draye stopped her beer halfway to her mouth, a look of terror on her face. "Who told you?" she hissed.

I held up a yamicha. (I can't fucking spell it. I mean the thingy, the thingy they give out at bat mitzvahs for the guys, oh wait it's called a kippa.)

Draye recognized it as the one from her Bat Mitzvah. "DAMMIT! I TOLD her not to put my middle name on it!"

"Remember those days where we had actual religion in our lives?" I sighed.

"Ahaha! I can't believe it!" Naruto screamed, behind us.

"Wait, did he just say he didn't believe something?" asked Draye. "Instead of just screaming believe it believe it believe it?"

"HEY, EVERYONE!" screamed Naruto to the rest of the bar. "Draye and Emerald are JEWISH!"

"Yeah? Your point?" asked Hilaria as she walked in. "So am I."

"Rememebr the days we actually went to services?" Draye asked.

"God DAMMIT Draye, you brought on a flashback!" Hilaria screamed at her as the room went blurry.

Rabbi Davidson began his random speech that he did every year. "And something totally unrelated blahblahblah yadda yadda yadda…"

Draye rolled her eyes as she pulled out her phone. Rabbi Davidson droned on in the background.

"…and this totally unrelated thing I will now connect to a reason why you should help Israel…"

She opened her phone and began playing tetris. I copied her and whipped out my phone.

Unbeknownst to me, I had forgotten to turn the sound off. "Ding, ding. Ding, ding," went my phone, blaring the tetris music to the whole temple.

Ugh, the dreaded flashbacks.

"You played TETRIS during SYNAGOGUE?" I looked down to see four very short boys standing there. Kyle Broflovski's mouth was wide in horror.

"See Kyle, I told you all Jews are stupid," sniggered Eric Cartman.

"Hey!" protested Hilaria. I calmly picked up Cartman and threw him out the window. Some of the broken glass impaled Kenny.

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" shouted Stan Marsh.

"You bastards!" screamed Kyle. We shrugged and turned back to our beer.

"Wish I could've seen that," said Hilaria wistfully. "Too bad I don't go to your temple."

"You don't want to," Draye and I said together.

"Remember the time I went to Shabbat services with your grandparents and you?" I asked.

"No. I'll tell you what I DO remember, is a fucking BLIZZARD on my Bat Mitzvah," Draye growled.

"Hah! Are you serious?" choked Hilaria.

"Yeah. It was hilarious," I laughed. "Now, Hilaria's Bat Mitzvah…"

"Hey, as far as I know there was no problem with mine!" she objected.

"You didn't stick your finger in the cake," I deadpanned.

"You DIDN'T?" gasped Draye.

"Hey, don't be so hard on the girl," I said hypocritically, patting Hilaria's back as she sobbed from the peer pressure. "I wouldn't have either if your mom hadn't made me."

Zafe walked in. I pointed at the door. "Oh no you don't," I ordered. "You don't count as a Jew." He obeyed.

"That can't have been your cousin, Draye." I muttered.

"Yah, he's not that quiet about things."

"Eh, whatever," said Hilaria. "He's probably being moody."

"What I remember," I began, "is Hilaria's very memorable Bat Mitzvah."

"DAMN THE FLASHBACKS!" screamed Draye.

Hilaria was about to begin her D'var Torah. She did so by reading about a paragraph of it in Latin, leaving the rest of the congregation in utter confusion and me rolling on the floor in laughter. This was to demonstrate the suckyness of the tower of Babel and how now no one could understand each other. Being in the same Latin class under Mr Clancy, I of course did not understand a word she was saying, but found it funny that she was speaking in Latin.

At the end of the service, we were given the joy of throwing bags of Hershey Kisses at her.

"Ah, good times," Hilaria sighed.

"Bull, your photography guys didn't print out the pictures half the time!"

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