~Everything~
In a time that seemed perfect in retrospect, a time that seemed like a dream lived, Yoshikuni glanced up from Takumu's lap and reached an uncertain hand to his lover's cheek. Takumu did and said nothing, only smiled down in that endlessly benevolent fashion while under silent intense scrutiny. Yoshikuni stroked his cheek, withdrew his fingers. Touched again, firmer. Drew Takumu down, kissed him, blushed for his actions. Glanced away. Looked back. Spoke quietly.
"... Promise me."
Takumu didn't reply but his eyes held the potential for a question. He moved one hand to hold Yoshikuni's closest, to twine their fingers together and hold them close. That movement was encouraging. He continued on, just one word.
"... Everything."
Lifting up that one hand, Takumu kissed it.
"... Well?"
"... Well what...?"
"... Do you...?"
Neither of them knew exactly what the question entailed but both held a determination to see it through to its end, whatever that was. Yoshikuni was determined to see Takumu keep his word and Takumu was determined not to break it. He kissed Yoshikuni's hand again and then held it to his cheek, stroking his other hand through Yoshikuni's hair.
"I promise."
The bubble wasn't strong enough and the real world could not be denied. Words were exchanged on a daily basis, words that could mean nothing at all or everything in the world. Yoshikuni would watch from the Student Council building and not know what to do. Those smiles were different, separate. Those touches were a warmth afforded to the wrong recipient, no matter how innocent. That laughter was so free and easy... had they ever laughed like that...?
The real world could be forgotten, sometimes. When the doors were closed and the locks were drawn, when everybody else had gone home and they wouldn't be disturbed. Yoshikuni didn't feel that Takumu watched enough to want to understand, and he knew that he watched Takumu too much to ever be able to understand... but in those moments, it was something that they shared. When neither of them had to be putting up fronts or barriers, when Takumu would smile and Yoshikuni knew what that meant. To the outside world they were princes, to each other they were devoted. It was almost perfect, wasn't it? Spending an age that could have been a minute or an hour lost in the depth of Takumu's eyes, Yoshikuni would never have questioned it.
Each thought and word and touch and movement took them dangerously deeper. Yoshikuni felt it but didn't want to fight it. He didn't know if Takumu felt it. He didn't want to ask. Instead he asked permission, clinging to the small thread of hope that if he were really against such things, Takumu could refuse.
"... I don't want anybody else to touch me."
Takumu would just smile, "I won't let them."
"I don't want anybody else to kiss me."
"They won't."
"I only want your arms to hold me."
"Alright."
Such a line of questioning could easily lull one into a false sense of security. Takumu had promised Yoshikuni everything and so of course he would respond to those things with such confidence. However, even Takumu's eyes would hold a note of uncertainty at the desperation of Yoshikuni's curiosity. He would end not on a question, but a statement.
"... I don't ever want to love anybody as much as I love you."
In the midst of teenage abandon, it was easy to say things like 'always' and 'forever' and think them sincere. Takumu would hold Yoshikuni, "You'll never need to."
"No?"
"I promise."
It was fairly obvious that Yoshikuni was a closed and private person, and so Takumu couldn't help but feel some personal pride on having opened him up, drawn him from his shell, on having earnt his trust. That trust was a very serious and tangible thing. In his own moments of silence, Takumu would think on all the things he'd promised Yoshikuni and wonder how on earth he'd be able to realistically keep all of those promises... but, their relationship was in that period of awe and wonderment, Yoshikuni had never had such a relationship and so was quite dazzled by it all. Takumu supposed he'd never had such a relationship either... it felt exhilarating somehow. Special. New. Private. Did anybody else have such a relationship? Could anybody else have such a relationship? Kazuya and Tatsuya's easygoing thing seemed stupid in comparison. What was the point if there was no real connection? Yes, Kazuya and Tatsuya were friends, but...
At that time, Takumu felt he would have done anything. For Yoshikuni, he would have given or said or done anything just to ensure that trust, that smile.
Yoshikuni was beyond his help. The promise of 'anything' - let alone 'everything' - clearly wasn't enough.
There were elements that kept them stuck in a dream and inevitable rocks that kept them grounded in reality. Yoshikuni had always been very connected to reality and came to hate the abstract nature of what Takumu introduced him to. Suddenly believing in things he'd never given thought to previous... clinging to ideals he'd passed off as stupid, clinging to them and believing them with every inch of his desperate being... and yet slowly coming to realise... eventually knowing... seeing Takumu around school, seeing him laughing and smiling and knowing that those moments were gone forever, moments that he simply couldn't experience. Why was Takumu out there anyway? He had Student Council business to tend to. The second seat around the meeting table was empty. Takumu would fill it in his own time but that wasn't enough.
The bitterness that this simple reality spawned seemed to wrap itself around Yoshikuni, turning him into something else. Asking wasn't enough. Believing didn't work. 'Always' was a lie and 'forever' didn't exist. Takumu had previously been pleased to see Yoshikuni opening up but now he wondered precisely what exactly that entailed. Had he gone too far? Done something wrong? He'd promised all Yoshikuni had asked of him, confident that that which he didn't know, he could learn. Had that been a mistake?
Yoshikuni would flinch at the gentle touches. He'd smirk and speak words that were cruel with eyes that held a sadness Takumu couldn't work out how to reach. He'd try to hold Yoshikuni only to have him lash out and walk away. Words that had brought past comfort were brought back as barbed weapons and Takumu knew he'd left himself painfully open. This was their battle and only they knew how to fight it. Yoshikuni seemed too eager. Takumu refused.
"You've hurt me, Takumu."
"... I don't understand--! I--... I never meant to... can't you just tell me what I did wrong?"
"Having to ask is just as bad as anything else you've done."
And so Takumu never could quite figure it out.
"Kuni... please..."
"I want to hurt you, Takumu."
"... Hurt me, then."
"Don't worry. I will."
He said those things with such a confident smile that it made Takumu weak to even begin to consider the implication. Physically or mentally, he would have put up with anything if it only provided Yoshikuni with his catharsis. Perhaps he would reach a point where his anger would vanish and leave only the desire to reclaim what they once had, somehow. If that side ever surfaced, Takumu would have fallen gladly. Yoshikuni seemed to think himself alone in his feelings. If there was only one thing that Takumu was sure of, it was that Yoshikuni most definitely wasn't.
Seeing Yoshikuni with other people was something that Takumu numbed himself to over time. It hurt, sometimes. Seeing this person who never wanted anybody else to touch him now behaving as he would with anybody who crossed his path... but Yoshikuni wanted Takumu to watch, and so he watched. The others seemed to get drawn in with frightening ease, but such was the power of Yoshikuni's charisma. Yoshikuni would call him over, sometimes. "Touch me, Takumu". He would. He always would. Perhaps he imagined how his touch caused a different reaction in Yoshikuni to anybody else, but if that was a dream then it was one that Takumu wished to keep alive. Yoshikuni hadn't wanted anybody else to touch him. Takumu still didn't want anybody else to touch him but didn't know how to stop it. This was his punishment, apparently. For what, Takumu began to think he'd never know.
They still had their time alone. When everybody else had gone home, when the doors would be closed and the locks drawn tightly. This was no longer the realm of soft touches and a trust drawn out gently with shared yearning and matched desire... Takumu wouldn't protest Yoshikuni's actions. The first few times, Yoshikuni would rip his clothes away; times after that, Takumu would undress as soon as he heard the bolts on the lock. Yoshikuni would still touch him with that fervent desperation but it was nothing like what they'd had in the past. Endless hours of content minutes, a languid position and a tight embrace... those things felt lost to time. Twenty minutes against the back wall of the downstairs library was all Yoshikuni needed to break Takumu further and that was a task he set himself to with enthusiasm. Takumu let Yoshikuni do whatever he wanted. He'd look at the bruises where Yoshikuni had held him too tightly and the bites from a more bestial mindset and wonder, sometimes. Was this the Yoshikuni he'd always known? The Kuni who'd blushed and asked only for 'everything'...? The next stage in their battle. If anybody saw Takumu's wounds and scars, they didn't ask.
There was a horrible sense of delirium in those moments. Yoshikuni had been so shy and yet now held such a knack for domination... sometimes an unknown humour would overtake him and he'd laugh and Takumu couldn't understand it. He'd feel a hand run through his hair, but it wouldn't be gentle. He'd let Yoshikuni pull his head back if that was what he wanted. Didn't mind letting Yoshikuni bite his neck, so hard and feral that sometimes he was surprised not to see blood on his shirt afterward.
They would lie on the floor of the library, Yoshikuni's body shuddering with every outward breath and Takumu's body trembling as it had been since the beginning. Neither would think of moving, Yoshikuni still inside Takumu and arms wrapped around his chest as hard as he could manage. His fingernails would still dig grooves into the smooth skin of Takumu's chest but neither seemed to notice. Yoshikuni would press his head against the crease between neck and shoulder and sometimes Takumu would feel Yoshikuni's tears, though he'd never hear him cry.
"... I'm sick of all these lies."
"... I... never meant... to lie to you..."
He really hadn't. He wasn't quite sure how he'd lied to Yoshikuni in the first place, only that he'd failed him somehow in some mysterious way.
"... Let me have it, then."
"... What?"
"You promised me 'everything', Takumu. Give it to me. Prove to me that you weren't lying."
Yoshikuni's voice sounded cold, distant. Takumu felt the empty uncertainty well up inside him, "... I don't know how."
"You were lying, then."
"... I didn't mean to... I never meant to..."
"I gave you everything, Takumu. Isn--"
"How?"
"... Takumu?"
"... How... did you... do that? I--... I want to know... so... so I can--... so you... can believe in me again..."
There was as much truth in that statement as Takumu could muster and it seemed that that counted for something, because it silenced Yoshikuni for a good few minutes.
They had all the time in the world.
"... I..."
"Please, Kuni. Tell me."
"... I... I--... I don't know."
"... Then maybe we've both been lying."
The silence felt as long as anything, the two of them so held by their confusion they were too frightened almost to move. Not that they had anywhere in particular to move to. A white flag might have been thrown out from somewhere, but this was still their private territory.
Yoshikuni's voice was quiet when he next spoke. Held traces of that shy fear evident at the beginning of their relationship.
"... Tell me something true, Takumu."
The pain of Yoshikuni's exertions was starting to take its toll and Takumu wasn't sure how far he could move in any direction, but he managed to locate Yoshikuni's hand, pull it down, twine their fingers together. Even as Yoshikuni tried to pull his hand away, Takumu wouldn't let him.
"I love you."
Yoshikuni tried to pull his hand back harder, "... Something else."
Takumu didn't let go but he didn't say anything, either. He wasn't sure there was anything else.
~fin~