Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you for all the reviews for the first chapter, great to hear all your views on it. In this letter, I've said that Ray was at Mercy after his accident – I have no idea if that is correct, or if there was anything to the contrary, but if you do know, please let me know. And thanks to bigred08 for the correction on the last chapter – I've amended the dates accordingly.

Baton Rouge

May 30th 2007

Dear Neela

I'm glad it took you a couple of weeks to write to me. I think if I'd received something from you when I first got here, it would have gone straight in the trash as soon as I saw your handwriting. I don't think I would have even opened it. I know that's probably not what you want to hear right now, but it would have been the truth. All I can say to that though, is two weeks makes a lot of difference.

First though, do me a favour, and cut the bullshit Neela. Staying with Abby to keep her company while Luka is away, or whatever the hell it was you said? You know I spoke to Greg; do you honestly think he wouldn't have told me what happened to you? Believe me, I know all the details – I quizzed him for long enough about it. And I'm so glad he told me. That was the turning point. When he said "Neela had an accident" I thought that you…

Damn, this hard to put into writing. I don't think I've ever written a letter like this before. Hell, I can't remember the last time I even wrote a letter. It's kinda weird to see all these thoughts here in black and white on the paper in front of me. Makes them more real, doesn't it?

Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. When Greg said that, I thought the worst and for a split second my heart stopped beating and I realised then that if something awful had happened to you, I didn't want it to start again, simple as that. You've hurt me more than I ever thought possible, but if we let it all go now, then what was the point of all that pain? I don't want to end up bitter, I want to live life, make the most of it all (yeah, corny I know, but it is actually true) and I guess I'm kinda used to you being a part of it somewhere.

As for the accident (mine, not yours) don't blame yourself Neela. I know how good you are with guilt, but listen to me, this was not your fault. It was an accident. You could point fingers of blame all day long (and believe me, when I woke up at Mercy and looked down the bed and saw a flat sheet where my legs used to be, I spent quite a few very long days pointing a hell of a lot of fingers of blame) but at the end of the day, it really wasn't anyone's fault. Not any one person anyway. Sure, if you hadn't called me then, I wouldn't have been checking my phone when the truck came along. But you could just as easily say that Hope could have come along thirty seconds later, or I could have actually talked to you instead of drinking the bar dry, or Gates could have… Well, you know what I think of him, or Greg could have put me in a cab rather than let me stagger home, or the driver of that truck could have braked sooner. What I am saying is, there are a million what ifs, but none of them matter now. I've already learnt that you've got to look to the future.

Which takes me neatly on to my physical therapy. It's a bit grim, I have to say. It's damn hard work, and a lot of poking and prodding, zero dignity. I hate being so helpless, but I keep telling myself that the harder I work, the faster I will get better, and the less helpless I will be. The flaps are pretty much healed now, but apparently they're still not quite ready for weightbearing yet – everyone's rate of healing is different they tell me – so I'm stuck in the chair for now. I have an appointment on Thursday for a specialist to have another look, so fingers crossed, next week, I could be ready to be fitted for prosthetics, then it's on to starting to walk again. At the moment, a lot of the PT is strength building stuff, building up the strength in my arms and making sure I don't get too much muscle wastage in the stumps. The better shape I'm in, the better I'll be able to handle the prosthetics when I finally do get to have a go with them. There's a hospital in Baton Rouge that has a pretty good center for amputees. They have the whole works, prosthetics specialists, physical therapists, shrinks. Oh yeah, I see a shrink too. Give me a day of PT over an hour of that any day, but still, the talking has helped straighten it all out in my head a bit.

Seeing the shrink has helped me get everything into perspective. It's been a crap year really, but it could have been worse. I'm here after all, I'm still alive. I know that this time last year, you lost Michael and it's made me think that… I'm not exactly sure, just, he didn't get a chance to make the life with you he wanted. Maybe I have a second one.

Don't hold me to that though, I'm getting ahead of things a bit. Anything like that is a very long way down the line yet. I need to concentrate on me for a while, and not just getting better physically again. I hardly recognise who I've become over this last year, I don't feel like I'm Ray Barnett anymore. I was thinking that perhaps when I'm fit for it, I might go to California, hang with Brett for a bit. Or maybe even go travelling. What do you think?

As for everything you want to say to me, please say it. I promise I'm reading it. It's being afraid of saying things that got us into this mess in the first place, let's not make the same mistake again. I can't guarantee what I'll be able to say in return though. I told you in the hospital I fell in love with you, and that hasn't changed, but right now, I can't think about that. Not yet. Let's just… wait and see, okay?.

R

PS You didn't mention the CD. I know you hate my, what was it, "poor excuse for music", but I was kinda hoping you'd have a listen. Which track do you think it was?