Disclaimer: As before
Author's Note: Oops, just realised I never put in an A/N on the last chapter – oh well, I'm sure you didn't miss it anyway. Thank you, as always, for all the reviews, they're all so encouraging, and it's fantastic to hear that you're enjoying it. By the way, I wrote this quite quickly and haven't proofed it in detail, so I apologise for any glaring errors; when I have the time I will go back and check.
Chicago
10th June 2007
Dear Ray,
All right, so I know I only received your letter this morning (less than an hour ago, actually) but I don't care how eager I know it makes me look replying so soon. You're walking? Walking! Ray, I'm so, so proud of you. I don't know if I have any right to be, but I am. You are so strong to be able to do this, to be able to look to the future and work so hard and… I'm rambling, I know, but I'm just… There aren't any words for what I'm feeling right now. I'm proud, and happy, and absolutely in awe of what you've managed to do, especially in such a short time. You're… You really are… Would it be an awful cliché to say you're my hero? Because you are, for countless different reasons that over the years I've lost count of, but you're a true inspiration in this.
I wish I could be there with you to share this. Sorry, is that selfish of me? It isn't intended to be. Only that this is possibly the most important moment of your life, and I would be honoured to be able to be there to help you. That's being rather presumptuous of me that you would want me there I know. But… It's my fault this happened (I know you're going to argue with that statement, but still) and I wish I could be there to help you with the PT and the walking and putting your life back together.
I know it's far too soon for us to see each other again. I know that I've got to make sure I get myself completely better as well. I know that you need to think about yourself and not me. But I can't help it, I want to be at your side. It's taking all of my willpower not to jump on a plane and come down to Baton Rouge and tell you to your face all these things that I'm putting on paper. Don't worry, I won't, but I need you to know that I want to. When… when you're ready for me to come and visit, if you're ready, then please let me know. I promised you I would come and see you, and there isn't going to be any more broken promises from me, not ever again.
On the subject of promises… I promised to explain about Tony, and I will. In the beginning, well, I told you about that at the wedding. New, easy, uncomplicated, something to take my mind off everything that had happened. I was still grieving over Michael, and I felt too guilty to let you in, and I needed… someone. Tony was that someone, I don't think that was too unforgivable of me. What I never ever meant to do was rub it in your face; all those poor excuses for surgical consults, things like that I never should have let him get away with. I shouldn't have sided with him on medical decisions. I shouldn't have let my personal life cloud my judgement, just as you said. I hated us during that argument as well, it was horrid.
I know now that after Meg died, I should have walked away, but it felt too cruel at the time. Sarah had just lost her mother for the sake of me and Tony and even though I wanted to get out it seemed like I had just caused her mother's death and so the least I could do was stick by them.
Then, later, after we kissed… I truly don't know why I didn't leave him, looking back. Things were on the rocks between us then anyway, he was spending all his time with Sarah, I was seeing very little of him but I still couldn't bring myself to actually end it. I think I was scared. I think I was scared that something I had wanted for so long – to be with you – was on the cusp of being realised and what if it wasn't as good as the dream? What if I wasn't enough for you? What if you moved on to another girl after a couple of weeks as you used to? What if the spark between us was just that, a spark, nothing more substantial than that, and the whole thing turned out to be a disappointment? What if we were together and something went awry and I lost you as a friend? Remember, at that stage, we were just rediscovering our friendship again – I knew I couldn't bear to lose that again.
Do you see how my mind was working? I know all of them are ridiculous reasons, not even reasons, excuses, but I was terrified to make such a life changing decision. Because being with you would have changed my life Ray. Perhaps a part of it was that bloody guilt kicking in again. Michael was dead – if I had loved him more, been a better wife, he might have stayed, and he might not have died. Therefore his death was my fault, therefore I didn't deserve to be happy with you.
I'm not even sure why, I'm just exploring ideas now, thoughts that have crossed my mind. Maybe if I had shared them with you earlier then you could have told me how stupid they were. Hindsight is a wonderful thing they say, well, I disagree. I think it's crap. It just gives me something else to torture myself with.
Finally, the wedding. I didn't want to go with Tony, he turned up on my doorstep and I didn't know how to tell him that I didn't want him there. All I could think of that night when I was getting ready was that I was getting ready for you. When I pinned my hair up, I imagined you taking out those pins, when I zipped my dress up, I imagined your hands undoing it. When I put my lipstick on, I imagined you kissing it off. Tony wasn't in my head at all, not even for a second. By then, I was just about ready to face my fears and tell you how I felt. Then, there he was. By then, I had barely seen him for weeks, hadn't spent the night with him, and I genuinely thought things had fizzled out. It wasn't until he said that he wanted to start things up again that I had any idea that was how he was thinking. As for the balcony, I was telling him once and for all that it was over. He was trying to persuade me otherwise and I agreed to go for coffee with him, with the full intention of telling him, again, in a more suitable atmosphere (I didn't want to cause trouble on Abby and Luka's special day – so much for that, huh?) that it was over.
I wish you had just asked me about it Ray. If only you had asked me. Did you really think that after the things I had already said to you that I would still have gone back to him? If you believe that of me, then I must have behaved even worse towards you than I realised, and I realise it has been pretty terrible. So there you go, that's my explanation. I hope it answers your questions, and if it doesn't, well, feel free to ask me anything. I don't want there to be any secrets between us now, that's why I'm making an effort to make these letters as honest as I can be, with the truth laid absolutely bare. There can't be any other way for us now.
That was my explanation. Now I want one from you. Katey. I'm not defending any of my actions, not by any means, but you weren't exactly blameless. You claim you were in love with me, wanted to be my friend, were there for me, but you were still knocking off a med student, my med student if we're going to be really pedantic. Nor am I saying that you should have been waiting at home on your own for the day when I suddenly woke up and realised how much you meant to me. I don't know what I'm saying. Just, why? If you were so in love with me, why? And did it have to be someone from the hospital, someone I knew? I felt like you were trying to hurt me with that. Maybe you were. Maybe I deserved it. Just… I wouldn't mind hearing your side of the story. What really went on. I know you accused me, with some justification, of still being with Tony after we had kissed, but Katey was at the hospital with you, so you must have still been with her as well. Just as you said, it's not a criticism, or me trying to blame you (believe me, I know this is my fault) but as with you, I need to hear it.
I can't write any more now. I have to go to work and I feel absolutely exhausted having let all that out. I'm looking forward to hearing your reply, and once again, great big huge massive congratulations on the walking. I'm so proud of you.
Neela
PS Thank you for calling me Roomie. You can tease me as much as you like, I don't care. I could hear your voice when I saw the words on the paper and it made me smile so much.