Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: I'm still absolutely delighted with all the reviews I am getting, and appreciate the time you take to read it. To those who are looking forward to reading the reunion… remember this story is called "Epistles…" – that's all I'm saying! As I'm in the UK I haven't seen any of season fourteen yet, so I was wondering if someone would be kind enough to let me know, is Luka back by the time the letters are mentioned in the show?

Baton Rouge

June 12th 2007

To My Roomie,

Wow, speedy reply. I'm afraid I'm not quite as quick off the mark as you, but still, here I am. How's work going? How many shifts have you done now? How are things at County now? I've spoken to Greg, and to Morris a couple of times, and they've filled me in (what's this Moretti dude like by the way? As bad as they say? Personally, I'm all for anyone who's willing to call Gates on his crap and banish him to the ICU) but I'm kind of missing it. I didn't think I would to be honest – the last year or so hasn't been the best – but I'm stuck down here away from all the action, and I wish I wasn't. When I first got here, I was upset, angry, still in pain and still on a lot of meds, and visitors, people, were the last thing I wanted. Now I'm feeling better in myself, and making progress physically, I'm getting closer to wanting to see people again, and you're definitely at the top of the list. I'll let you know when I'm ready.

Before I address everything you wrote, I want to talk about myself a bit longer..! PT today – I walked the whole length of the support rails (it's about ten steps). It was just as exhausting as the first time, and it still hurts like Hell, but I'm really beginning to get the hang of it. My physical therapist, Callie, says I'm making amazing progress, faster than normal and it won't be long before I can have a go with crutches.

As for what you said about being proud of me… thank you, it means a lot. I'm even blushing a little bit. Well, all right, maybe not actually blushing, but the sentiment is there. To me, it's slightly less awe inspiring – it's something I have to do, so I'm simply getting my head down and doing it, but I suppose from someone else's perspective, I am pretty damn incredible! I'm touched that you want to share it with me, and it's great to have someone to tell about it who understands the process but isn't intent on analysing everything I do or every step I take. It's not the walk in the park I've been making it out to be (but I think you know that) – she's getting better now since I'm actually walking but in the early days, Mom couldn't watch. There were plenty of times I was crying with the pain and frustration of it all. I've been more upbeat since I've been on the prosthetics, but I don't doubt there are more black moments to come. But if you think you can handle that, then when you do come and visit (it is a when, not an if) I'd like it if you would come to a session.

Okay. Gates. Thank you for telling me; I can guess how hard it was having to examine and analyse all your thoughts and actions when we all know how it ended. Yeah, hindsight's a bitch, isn't it? Too many what ifs for my liking. I know I for one would have done things differently given another chance. I sympathise with your explanation to a degree. I still think the guy's an asshole and you could have done a lot better for yourself even if you didn't want to be with me, and I'm not sure being scared was a good enough reason for the games you played. I was scared too Neela, in fact, I was scared shitless – of losing you, of wrecking our friendship, of you deciding you could do better than some no good rocker like me, but I was willing to put aside that fear, not let it rule me, and I think you should have been too. But, before you think I'm being too harsh, I think we've both made a lot of mistakes in our behaviour towards each other, and I'm not going to hold them against you just as I hope you won't hold mine against me.

You've told me the absolute truth, which is exactly what I asked for and needed to hear, particularly about when I saw you with him on the balcony. I can't tell you how relieved I am that you were trying to get rid of him then. Now all I want to do is move forward. I don't think we should forget about any of this; there's too many lessons to be learnt from it, but it doesn't need to be raked over again. I want to see where we go from here.

As far as Katey is concerned… Not one of my brighter ideas, I'll give you that. And I have a confession here that you might not like. I saw you and Gates together after the M&M over that guy who burst into flames in the OR and I was angry and upset and jealous. In that moment, I wanted to hurt you, I wanted you to feel just a tiny bit of what I felt when I saw you kissing him. God, I was jealous. What gave him the right to waltz in, all arrogance and stubble, and lay you down on a table and press himself against you and kiss you like that when that's what I'd dreamed of doing for so long?

So I acted like a complete child and decided to get revenge. Katey was attractive, fun and, as you pointed out, your med student. It was vindictive and petty of me, not at all the action of a man who claimed to be in love with you, I know, and for that I am sorry. My relationship with Katey (I suppose you'd call it a relationship, although in truth that's stretching it a bit) was always light hearted fun and I never saw it as anything else. I didn't think she did either, although since then, I've come to question that. And I absolutely promise you it ended the night I kissed you. I stopped calling her (yeah, great way to handle things, I know) and shortly afterwards, she had it out with me in the ER and we didn't have anything else to do with each other.

You asked what she was doing at the hospital… When I woke up, my Mom was already there, someone had gotten hold of her and she'd flown straight up, but she was absolutely distraught and I was in no mood, or state, to cope with that. Plus she had no idea where my apartment was, what stuff I needed or wanted, and like it or not, I've been closer to Katey this last year than anyone, so I called her. I knew I could trust her to do as I asked and, most importantly, not tell anyone what happened. I had no deeper reasons for wanting her there, I promise you. I think though, she misinterpreted things then and may have, I don't know, taken more upon herself than she had a right to do. I sort of saw it happening, but you saw what I was like when I was at Mercy. Believe me when I say I had more important things on my mind than Katey Alvaro. If she said anything to you she shouldn't have though, then I apologise.

Just so you know, I called her when I got back here to thank her for her help and let her know I had arrived safely, but since then I haven't spoken to her. She's called a few times but I let Mom speak to her. She's been good to me, and I don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her outright I don't want anything more to do with her, but if you want me to or think I should, then I will. I don't want any more misunderstandings.

There. I think we've both laid our cards on the table. Things between us have been stripped pretty bare. I know that now raises the question, what next, but I don't know the answer to that. What do you want to come next? What are you hoping to salvage from this? The friendship we once had, or something more? Just to warn you, if it is the latter, this time it's going to have to be you who waits on me. I'm not sure when, if ever, I'd be ready. I mean, I don't have legs anymore, and no amount of hard work and prosthetics is ever going to change that. I will always be disabled. I will always have to take life a bit more carefully than others do; watching out for cracks in the sidewalk that can trip me up, or getting jostled in crowds and knocked off balance, or a thousand different things. And sex Neela. I don't even know if I can anymore, I mean logistically. Sorry to be crude, but it needs to be said. Bear all that in mind when you answer; I don't want you to be under any false impressions.

I know I'm being a little presumptuous. You've told me that you care about me, that you want to see me again, and that you did desire me (wow, that sounds really clinical, I didn't word that well at all – you can tell how awkward I'm feeling right now, can't you?) but you haven't told me what you are looking for from me. I'm sure you're trying not to rush me or whatever, but I want to know. I need to know.

I'm loving these letters; it's amazing to feel that you're really being honest with me again after so long (in fact, I don't think we've ever been entirely honest with each other) and that we're actually getting past all the obstacles we've put in the way of our friendship over the last year or so. But what I'd really like to hear is your voice. I miss your accent – there's no-one British here and the other day I realised I was watching some old British comedy show just because the way they talked reminded me of you. So… call me sometime would you? I promise not to fob you off on my Mom like I do just about everyone else.

This is the longest letter yet I think. Sorry it's been such a mammoth read, but there was a lot I wanted to say to you, and I feel better for having said it. I can't wait to hear from you again.

R

PS. By the way, that little description of you getting ready for the wedding got me going – that's a cruel thing to do to a guy when he's several hundred miles away Rasgotra!