Disclaimer: As before
Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews, especially those of you who answered my question, and in particular buzzybee66 – thanks to you all hopefully I've got the finer details reasonably accurate here. I know that the date of the letter probably doesn't tie in with the date in the show at this point, but please just take it with a pinch of salt; if I'd thought it all through before I'd started writing, I would have made it work out but I had no idea then where I was really going to go with these letters.
Chicago
17th June 2007
Dear Ray,
I'm sorry it's taken me a little while to get back to you, I hope you didn't think I've been trying to avoid you or anything, it hasn't been like that. It's just… That letter left me a little stunned. In a good way, I promise, but stunned all the same. You sounded as if you have really been giving "us" some thought, that there might be hope there for… Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely delighted that you have but I never expected it to be so soon. I'm not trying to stall either, but are you sure you're ready to be thinking this way? I don't want you to do or say something only to regret it later. I just don't want us to rush into something without really thinking about it, for it to end up going wrong. Because if/when this does happen, I want it to be right for both of us, because I want it to be forever.
There's more I want to say, something in particular actually, but I'm not going to write it in a letter. Now you've said you want me to visit, I'm going to save it (there, that's an incentive for inviting me down there if ever there was one!) It's better face to face anyway. I think you must know what it is though. I've been aching to say it to you ever since I realised it myself.
Thank you for explaining about Katey; like with you and Gates, I just needed to hear your reasoning. I think you got it exactly right when you said we've both made mistakes, but if we're going to move forward, we've just got to let them go. As I've made far, far more mistakes (and hurtful ones) than you, and you're willing to put them behind us, then I wouldn't dream of saying anything different about Katey.
I do think you need to talk to her though, we sort of… had a little altercation over you today. It was something and nothing, not really an argument, but she was quite surprised to hear you were writing to me, put it like that. And she seemed to think she was coming to visit you in a couple of weeks. I'm assuming/hoping that she's mistaken. I think that perhaps it might be an idea for you to call her, I think you need to clarify the situation for her.
By the way, I am utterly mortified that you saw Tony and I that afternoon. I might not take back everything I did with Tony but I certainly would take back that kiss. I'd just found out he was living with Meg and Sarah and I was so mad at him. When I think of all the silly little rows I had with you when I was shouting at you and all I wanted to do was kiss you, and I chose then to give in? I'm an idiot, simple as that.
County is the usual hotbed of rumour and gossip, but there's nothing particularly noteworthy. Abby's missing Luka very badly, she's being a little erratic and odd actually, she's definitely not coping without him. Morris is finding it hard without Hope around either (she's off volunteering somewhere I think) – did you hear about those two? They got together at the wedding. Moretti is… different from Luka. I haven't had a lot to do with him, so I can't really comment, but I think it would be fair to say that Luka's style of management created a happier working environment, although Moretti, by all accounts, would argue his creates a more efficient one. The truth is, with so many people missing, there isn't a lot of happiness for anyone at the moment. I have a new intern, Harold. Trust me, you wouldn't want to sleep with this one no matter how much I hurt you! He's only nineteen, some genius kid, but once he learns something about people he might not be too bad. We'll see.
I'm sorry I haven't called you. I honestly tried, as soon as I got your letter. I got as far as lifting the phone out of its cradle. I tried again yesterday, and dialled three digits before I lost my nerve and hung up. I'm really, really sorry, I don't know why I am finding it so hard. It's just… It seems like such an immense step. I guess I still can't quite accept that you really do want to hear from me. I'm sure I don't deserve it. But I promise to keep trying – I won't let fear and guilt get the better of me again. When is a good time to call? Tell me specifically then if I know you are expecting to hear from me, I'll make myself call so I won't let you down. (There's logic in there somewhere, trust me.) Or you could always call me…? Not that I'm expecting you to do the running, but if you really want to speak to me, it might be better than waiting for my pathetic efforts to summon the courage. Plus I am sure Abby would like to hear from you as well – I'm still staying with her at the moment.
It's fantastic to hear your PT is going so well. I would definitely like to come to a session when I come to visit. I don't care how horrible it is, well, I do, obviously, I hate the idea of you being in pain, but what I mean is, whatever it's like, I want to be there to support you. I can't believe the progress you have made in such a short time; sounds like you and Brett will be out in LA causing chaos in no time!
Ray, don't you ever let me hear you call yourself disabled again. As soon as you've got the hang of walking with the prosthetics and all your strength back, you are going to be able to do every little single thing that you could before, including being a doctor and especially including having a relationship. The only reason I am tentative about that is the issues from the past that we have had to explain and overcome, absolutely nothing to do with the loss of your legs (other than my guilt over the part I played in that). I can't stress that point strongly enough. You are every bit as much of a man as you were before, except moreso because of what you've been through. I don't care if I end up walking down the street next to you, or pushing you in a wheelchair, as long as I am next to you.
Does that answer your doubts about that? Believe me, I'm not going into this blindly. I've been doing some reading on it. I know what's in store, at least theoretically. I know it's going to be hard and that there are going to be dozens of obstacles every day that we're going to have to overcome, but none of it matters, not to me. If we can get through everything that's been thrown at us so far, then that will be nothing.
There, annoying pep talk over. But I was being absolutely sincere. You asked me what I wanted for this and my answer is… you. I'm prepared to wait for as long as it takes, forever if necessary, but I want us to be together. I have no intention of rushing things or pushing you into something that you aren't ready for, but as soon as you are, I'll be there. I can't tell you any straighter than that. No secrets, no lies, no games, no hiding from what I feel.
I'll try to call you again as soon as I have the time, and I think after writing this letter, I might be able to find the courage. I certainly hope so. I miss the sound of your voice as well, although at least I have the CD to play when I need to hear you.
Neela xxx
PS I'm flattered, but you did that to me every time you smiled – consider that payback!