Disclaimer: As before
Author's Note: Thank you for all the reviews (I know I always say that, but I always mean it, so I'm just going to carry on). Here's the next chapter… let me know what you think of it.
Chicago
25th June 2007
Dear Ray
A quick reply I know, but I wanted to write instead of call. I love these letters too – as much as I enjoyed the phone call, it was over far too quickly and I can't go back over it over and over again like I do your letters. Yes, I'm afraid I'm a real girl about them – I keep them in a drawer and read them when I'm missing you (which is every day). Anyway, that's why I'm answering by letter rather than calling.
Fourth of July weekend. Ray, I'd love to come and see you; I can't begin to describe how much I ache to see your face and hold your hand and… I've missed you so much. Every day I think about being near you again, and how much I am looking forward to that moment; I feel so privileged that you want to see me and invite me into your life down there. What I'm trying to say is I want to say yes, so, so badly, I honestly do, but…
God, this is hard to say. I think it's too soon. There, it's out. Even though sometimes it feels like forever since you've been gone, it's been less than two months since it all happened and I don't think either of us are ready for this yet, even though we want to be. I just… I don't want to risk this Ray, I don't want to risk us. You mean far too much to me, and the thought of your forgiveness, the hope for the future that you have given me in these letters is what gets me through the day. I can't bring myself to do anything that might jeopardise that.
I hope you understand why I'm saying this. I know you're going to be disappointed, but please believe me when I say I truly think waiting is the right thing to do. I'm thinking with my head and not my heart on this one (trust me when I say my heart is screaming at me to say yes and jump on the next plane out of here) which I know is a habit of mine that hasn't necessarily served us well in the past, but this time, it's the right thing, I know it is.
Please forgive me for saying no. I hate the prospect that you might be thinking "here we go again" and that I'm letting you down; I swear that isn't my intention. I just… I don't want you to rush into this. I need you to be ready because when this happens, I am going to be going into this with my entire heart, unreservedly, which is something I've never done before, and it can't go wrong. It would kill me to lose you, I know it would, so I just want to wait a little longer. The fact that you said you don't know whether or not you're ready kind of shows you aren't. There mustn't be any doubt at all when we do get there – doubt and fear have destroyed us before and I won't let it happen again.
I know it's a lot to ask, but please write back as soon as you have the opportunity to let me know what you think of what I've said. I won't be able to think about anything else until I've heard from you. I'm terrified you're going to be angry or hurt or disappointed, but I know I'm doing the right thing for us in the long run. So if I have hurt you with my answer, I'm so, so sorry, as I am for everything else.
I would like to come and see you though. I've got a box of your things that came out of your locker (including your shoes, don't worry – Greg defended them from Morris) that I want to give to you. And of course, there's something I want to say to you. Later on in the summer maybe? Think about it, if we're this sure of this now, how much more sure are we going to be in a month or two's time? Plus, and I know this is a deeply practical reason, but I've missed a lot of work lately with being off sick, and I don't want to take too much time off right now. I'm back on full shifts and catching up on the hours I've missed, but I don't want to have to repeat a year of my residency because of the lost time. It's going to be bloody years before I make it to Attending as it is. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse or a reason not to come and see you, but still, it's something I have to bear in mind.
While we're talking about residencies, have you had any more thoughts about going back to medicine? Not that I'm trying to rush you or anything, but I realised it's been a while since I asked you, and I'm curious. Well, okay, more than curious – I'm dying to know. I'm sure you're still, physically, a fair way off actually working again, but I was wondering whether you'd thought about it. For instance, might you consider coming back to County? Or do you want to start somewhere new, make a fresh start?
How are the PT sessions going? Are you still making good progress? What about the psychiatrist as well – do you still have to see them? Not that I'm trying to pry or be nosey but I want to share this with you. Even if I'm not actually there in person, I want to support you and help you as much as I can. Let me know if there's anything I can do, please.
Another thing I keep meaning to ask you, but somehow I always manage to forget about in the whirlwind of everything else: how are things between you and your Mum? I know you never said much about your family, even to me, but I got the impression things over the last few years have been a little distant; I know how rarely you spoke to her. So, how's it going? I hope the two of you have managed to get back some of what you've lost through all this. And what about your Dad? Has he come to see you? Don't feel compelled to answer if you don't want, but like I said above, I want to share things with you Ray, and be a part of your life, if you'll let me.
What you said in your last letter about letting go of the past and putting Tony and Katey behind us – I absolutely agree. We've talked about it, explained, and that's it. It's in the past. And so is Michael. I can't guarantee I'm never going to get upset about him, or miss him; he was my husband – but it's all over now, and I know he wanted me to move on, to fall in love again. He'll be glad about this, I know he will.
I'm afraid I don't have time to say more, I'm meant to be picking Joe up from his sitter soon and take him out for the afternoon. I can't wait actually – he's such a little sweetie and as bright as a button. I love spending time with him, and goodness knows Abby can use all the help she can get. I'm worried about her; Luka can't come home soon enough I think, but she bites my head off if I so much as ask her about it, so I've learnt to leave it alone. I can help her with Joe though, and I do whenever I have the time.
Neela xxx