Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Once again, apologies for the while since the last update, and even bigger apologies with regards to Pushing Charts and Back to the Beginning. I'll get back to them as soon as I can, I promise. Work is hectic and life in general is even more hectic but I haven't forgotten about them. In the meantime though, I've just about found the time to throw this together. By the way, some of you reviewers may notice things you have said in your reviews creeping into the letters – I hope you don't mind. I find some of the things you say so insightful and helpful that I can't help but throw them in.

Chicago

1st July 2007

Dear Ray

Oh, I can't tell you how relieved I am that you don't mind me turning down your invite. I didn't realise until I was holding this letter in my hand how scared I was that you were going to be angry and that I'd gone and messed things up yet again. I almost didn't want to open it and see what you were going to say, and that's the only time, except for the very first letter you wrote and I had no idea how you were going to react, I've felt like that; these letters are always the highlight of my day. When I eventually plucked up the courage to read your last one, it was the biggest highlight of them all.

Now the weekend is getting closer, I wish so much I had said yes. It would have been so fantastic to see you and be near you again, but we both know that its better I didn't. And by the way, it doesn't matter to me that it was a bad idea, I'm so pleased that you asked me. I'm honoured that you want me there with you, and I hope it won't be long before I am.

I understand your frustration as well. I know you think I'm the calm, collected, patient one, but when it comes to you, I am on the verge of throwing caution to the wind once and for all. We've waited so long for this chance, and it's only because I am absolutely determined to do right by you this time that I am able to wait. Having you say what you said to me in your last letter just makes me even more… God, I'm dying to see you.

I was thinking perhaps when I'd finished my internship I'd be able to take some time and come down there. Dubenko would probably let me have a week or so then, before I start my residency. And to answer your question, no, I haven't been to Baton Rouge. I've been to New Orleans once, when I was in college, which was terrific but that's it. As for the rest of it, I'm entirely relying on you as my tour guide. In all seriousness though, we can do as much or as little as you want, just whatever you're ready for. I don't care if we spend the entire time I'm there curled up on the sofa watching World Poker and devil movies, as long as I'm close to you. In fact, I can't think of many better ways to spend time than with you watching movies and poker – maybe we should just do that anyway!

I think, or at least I hope, you were joking when you said about me messing you around again. Ray, I promise you, with every single ounce of my heart, with every fibre of my being, that this time I'm for real. I don't blame you one bit for needing reassurance from me, and I don't care how many times I have to say it. You are the one for me, the one. I think maybe you always were. When I'm not with you, I feel like part of me is missing, and that only you can make me whole again. I think you know what I mean, because I get the impression you feel the same way. It's like… it's like I can't be myself unless I'm with you. It's like… it's like there isn't a me without you.

Sorry about the chronic lack of articulation there. Not my best work! It's just that half the things I say to you, I only realise they are true as I write them. These letters have been such a journey for me. I have never been so honest about my thoughts and feelings to anyone, not even to myself, yet I feel like I can say anything to you now with no fear.

Looking back, I don't know what I used to be so scared of. I don't feel like that now. A little apprehensive perhaps, of all the things that I know we are going to have to face, decisions and obstacles and choices, but not scared. How could I be scared of anything when you're there? (Except when I'm watching The Exorcist of course, but that goes without saying!)

I sometimes get angry with myself for all the opportunities to have something more than what we did that we have missed since we have known each other, but I'm actually glad we didn't do this earlier. If it had gone wrong, I would have lost my best friend, and I could never lose you. When we haven't been spending time together this last year, I've never felt so lost and alone. Even though you're hundreds of miles away right now, I feel closer to you than I have done since Michael died. Is that crazy do you think, or does it make sense to you?

I'm going to stop going on about how much I miss you now. I feel like I'm saying the same thing every time I write. I keep trying to find different words, different ways of saying how I feel about you, but I know I'm repeating myself. I hope you don't mind. I just know that I won't ever get bored of hearing you tell me how you feel, so I'm hoping it's the same for you. If not, tell me!

I'm really sorry to hear you had a bad day with the PT. I'm sure it won't be the only one you have either, but you're strong enough to get through it, I know you are. And I'm here to help you, even if I'm not actually there at the moment. Any time of the day or night you need to talk, you know where I am. It's a lot easier for me to say than for you to do, I know, but try to stay positive Ray. You will get through this. When you're having a bad day, just think of… Just imagine I'm there with you, and that I'm holding your hand. Imagine that I'm there to encourage you, and to wipe away your tears when it hurts. Because in mind, in spirit, if not in body, I will be.

And I'm so glad you feel like you can talk to me about how it is going. I think I've said that before as well, but I am. It really makes the miles between us feel like nothing. I sit on the sofa with a cup of tea when the apartment is empty or Joe is asleep and I have a little bit of peace and quiet and it's like you're here with me.

Where do you read my letters? What's your little routine? I'd love to know. I have it in my head that you do something like sit on the back porch on a warm evening and read what I have written as the sun is setting. I know that's completely over the top and over-romanticised, but hey, it's my little fantasy. If you're going to disabuse me of it, do it gently!

I haven't said anything about what I know you are wanting me to. The truth is, I'm absolutely blown away by what you said. Needless to say, I'm completely over the moon that you want to go back to medicine, and more than that, I think it's the right decision, for you. As far as all the rest of it goes… God, I don't know.

You asked me, is there an 'us' yet? Maybe not in exactly the same way most people would think of as being a couple, but we care deeply about each other, there's no-one else for either of us, and we're thinking of a future together. I don't know about you, but when it's put like that, it sounds pretty much like there's an 'us' to me.

Even at the moment, it's killing me to be away from you, so I don't want this to last long, but I haven't had enough time to think about whether or not I'd want to stay at County. I guess I've been thinking so much about you and your future it didn't really cross my mind that I might have some big decisions to make as well. I'd never want to force you into doing something you didn't want to do, like coming back to County, just to fit in with my ideals, but on the other hand, it could be very very hard for me to find a spot in a good surgical residency programme somewhere else, especially given the amount of time off I've had recently and the fact that I've switched over from emergency medicine.

I suppose an honest answer would be I'd like to stay at County, but not at the expense of not having you with me. If you would be happy to move back to Chicago and can find a place at Northwestern or somewhere, then fantastic, but if it doesn't work out that way, for whatever reason, then I'm open to ideas. If we could both find good places somewhere else, then… why not? It would be easier, more straightforward in so many ways than staying here.

But on the other hand… when have we ever done things the easy way? I understand completely why you don't want to come back to County but just, keep thinking about it. I promise in return to give some serious thought to moving, but please don't forget the good bits of being here as well. People might be a nosey bunch of gossips but they do care. I know it's the only hospital either of us have ever really worked in, so I guess we don't know what other places are like, but the grass isn't always greener. This is a good place to be, and if you were to come back, I know people would be overjoyed. Pratt and Morris miss you, Sam often asks after you. Okay, so there would be talk, but it would die down. These things always do.

Look, I don't really want to give you a firm answer yet either. You're right; it's something we need to discuss together, and a lot. Maybe we'll save it for a face to face chat. Like you say, there's plenty of time to think about that one.

It's kind of you to worry about Abby. If there was the slightest thing I thought anyone could do to help, I'd say, but I really don't think there is. She needs Luka to come home, she probably needs a bit of time off work, she needs to relax and rest and stop worrying.

Neela xxx

PS Don't feel obligated to tell me about things with your parents, I was just interested.

PPS Hope you enjoyed the sunset(!)