Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter, it was great to hear from you all again! I didn't think I was going to be able to get another update done before Christmas as I'm a bit of a Christmas obsessive and the closer to the big day I get, the more my life becomes overtaken with wrapping paper, mince pies and fairy lights, but much to my surprise, I appear to have had the time to write this, so here you go… Merry Christmas!

Chicago

19th July 2007

Dear Ray

Us. We're a couple. Ray and Neela. Or Neela and Ray. Wow. I've been saying it over and over to myself a lot over the last few days, just sort of seeing what it sounds like really. I can't believe after so, so long that this is it. We're actually doing this. We're a couple. (I already said that one, didn't I?) God, I feel amazing. I know it's a little bit academic at the moment, given that we're so far apart and we haven't seen each other in the better part of three months but…

God, it makes me feel so good. You're my boyfriend. I'm your girlfriend. I want to go and shout it from the rooftops. I want to tell the whole world. And yet – you're probably laughing at me now – I want it to be our little secret as well. Do you know what I mean even a tiny bit? Or do you think I'm plain crazy?

You know what, I think I am crazy. I'm crazy about you, I'm crazy about the idea of us. I'm also rambling, but can we ignore that for the moment? I just… I don't know what to say really. This has been bubbling for so long between us; we've been skirting around it and missing chances (largely my fault, I know) and after… after seeing you in Mercy, how broken you were, I really thought that there was no way back from what I had put you through and that it was going to be the end. I never expected all these letters, and I certainly never expected… I never dared to hope for a future for us.

And now it's really happening and it's like all the dreams I have ever had have come true. I know there's still so much to talk about, to discuss and decide, but it'll work itself out, I know it will. I'm not naïve enough to think that this is going to be easy, but I know for sure it is absolutely going to be worth it. And I don't care, I really don't, whether we're in Chicago, or Baton Rouge, or a whole new city or, Hell, a whole new country. I just… you've given me a chance that I had simply given up believing I was going to get, and I'm going to take hold of it so tightly and never, ever let it go. When I get my hands on you, I'm never going to let go of you either!

And just for the record, on the fantasy front, no way am I going to be putting anything in writing! That's just wrong! Besides, surely you want a few surprises?!

Given this new turn of events, I've been giving some more thought to the whole Chicago versus somewhere else thing. I know we have to really sit down and talk about this, actually do research into different options; other residency programmes and things but… I'll go wherever you go. I don't mind. I'd be sorry to leave Abby behind, especially if Luka hasn't come home, but you know what, I'd do it, I'd walk away tomorrow for you.

She, umm… She really upset me the other night actually. She's started drinking again, so I know she only said it because of that, but it still hurt. I try not to think about it because I know it isn't true – every one of these letters tells me it isn't true – but… You're not sorry you met me, are you? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ask it, but it's one of those traitorous little thoughts that squeezes it's way in through a chink in my armour (you are the chink, you are the only thing that can penetrate the walls I put up around myself, and Abby knows that, that's what made it worse) and as soon as it's inside, it multiplies and spreads like a cancer and makes me doubt things – myself, you, us. It's not logical, I know, but it's there. After all that's happened, I don't think it will ever entirely go away but it's just one of my faults. You're going to have to learn to live with it, I'm afraid.

As for everyone else at County, yes, I'd miss people. I think I'd even miss the place. But it doesn't mean more to me than you, absolutely nothing does, so I really am happy to go anyplace you want.

I'm delighted that Brett's visit was so good for you. I knew you'd enjoyed it from what you said on the phone, but I had no idea until you wrote that it had helped you so much. I'm so glad I thought of it. I just… You know I still feel guilty about everything, and I've had this thing in the back of my mind that I broke you so it had to be my responsibility to help fix you. I don't know if that's presumptuous of me (I think perhaps it is a little) but it makes sense in my head. Anyway, even though I couldn't be with you that weekend, I didn't want you to be alone so I asked Brett to go, and now that seems to have helped you and…

Oh, I don't even know exactly what I'm trying to say, all these things are just thoughts that swirl around in my head and normally I would never even try to put them into words, but with you, I want you to know them. I don't want you ever again to have to try to guess what I am thinking. No more secrets or games or not being absolutely honest ever again. I may make a lot of mistakes, but I promise you, I learn from them.

I don't feel too disheartened having been disabused of my little sunset on the porch fantasy, because I quite like the park and lake thing as well. Describe it to me though; I want to be able to picture it.

I was happy to hear that the PT is going well. I was astounded for a moment when you were talking about already thinking about starting with crutches, but then I thought it has been two months, so I guess you probably are nearly at that sort of stage now. Just promise me you won't push yourself too hard Ray. We've got all the time in the world, don't do anything to hurt yourself or cause yourself a setback. Give yourself all the time you need. Remember, I'm right there with you on the bad days as well as the good ones.

By the way, I asked Dubenko today if I could have some time off. He wasn't hugely keen; he pointed out the time I lost when I was laid up in hospital and then only doing half shifts when I was recovering, but it didn't take him long to cave. I think he knows I need a holiday. So anyhow, I have two weeks, the last week in August and the first week in September, and I want to spend them all with you. I am a little bit disappointed that I won't get to see you before then, but I'm sure the time will fly. I don't mind what we do when I get there, just whatever you feel up to. Simply getting to see you and spend some time with you will be fantastic. God I miss you so much. When I've booked the flights, I'll let you know the times.

Anyway, I had better be getting to work. Things are going well there, but it just isn't the same knowing that the whole day is going to pass and I'm not going to see your face. Some days the thought of you was the only reason I was able to drag myself out of bed in the morning to go there.

And just to reiterate, your last letter made me the happiest I have ever, ever been in my life. I cried, I laughed, I just… Thank you. Thank you for everything, for giving me another chance, for thinking I was worthy of one, for all the times you have been there when no-one else was even when I didn't want you to be, for waiting for me, for fighting for me. For loving me.

Your girlfriend Neela xxx

PS Sorry, I just wanted to see that in writing!!