Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Hope you have all had a nice jolly festive season and are suitably full of turkey and suchlike. Thank you, as always, for the reviews and here's the next letter for you all. I know I've said it before, but the timeline is well and truly screwed up with this story now particularly in relation to Abby, but please excuse me the error as the story is too far written to do anything about it now. By the way, I'll see what I can do with updates for my other stories, as some have you have been asking about them.

Baton Rouge

July 22nd 2007

To My Girlfriend

There, you know what, I think I like the sound of that one even better than "Roomie", and I suspect that you do too – or at least, I hope you do. I'm sorry, but I had to chuckle a little to myself at your last letter Neela. I don't think I've ever heard you so… inarticulate! You really were rambling. It was absolutely charming to listen to though. Actually, in all seriousness, it was good to hear that from you – I knew for certain that it was your true thoughts and feelings with nothing held back and for me, that was fantastic. I don't need fancy words and elaborate phrases from you, just honesty, and that's exactly what that was. That makes me happier than anything.

And as you were so open with me, I'll do you the same favor. I don't want to call you my girlfriend because it's easier to explain or whatever line I fed you in my last letter. I want you to be my girlfriend because I am completely, hopelessly in love with you. You fill my heart, my mind, you're… everything. I don't know how else I can put it. I couldn't tell you when I fell in love with you, there isn't one single moment. I just felt us sliding closer and closer together and then one day I… I kind of cottoned on I guess. I'd never been in love before I met you, so maybe someone else, someone with a little more emotional maturity would have realised sooner and done something about it, but by the time I knew, it was all too late.

You say you blame yourself for what happened, and I keep insisting you shouldn't, and that's why. If I hadn't been more interested in where the next easy lay was coming from, I might have recognised how I felt about you sooner, and…

And I'm going off on a tangent. We agreed no more what ifs, no more guilt and blame and apologies. It's the future that matters, and Hell, what a future you've given me to look forward to now Neela! You made me the happiest guy alive when I read your letter. I know you said us being in a relationship was academic, given the distance between us, but I don't see it quite like that. We lived in the same apartment for over a year and we never got closer than when I almost tried to kiss you the night you left (yeah, I did. You turned away and I never was sure whether you knew what I was about to do.) Proximity does nothing for us. What we have goes far deeper than that, so even though I'm down here and you're in Chicago, I see us now as as much of a couple as anyone, which makes me… God, so proud. I cannot wait until I can walk down the street with you, holding your hand. The idea that you want to be with some crippled rocker is one I'm not quite sure I can believe, but I'm gonna roll with it for as long as I can.

I know what you mean, crazy though you are, when you say that you want to tell everyone and no-one. It's not quite the same for me, obviously, as it must be for you at County, but my Mom's always itching to know what is in these letters and since his visit, Brett's called pretty much every day and he's dying to know what's going on between us (as you can imagine!) so I've got my own share of people quizzing me.

At the moment, I'm kind of keeping it to myself. Mom saw the grin on my face after your last letter (which was fairly hard not to spot I think!) so she knows there's something up, but beyond that, I haven't said anything. I just… I want to make sure it is truly real before I do. Not that I doubt you, not now, but the idea that you and I are actually together after all this time is so fantastic that even as I'm writing this, I have to give myself the odd pinch every now and again to help it sink in.

Listen, I'm the one rambling now. I know there was so much I wanted to say to you in this letter, but now I'm writing it, my mind has gone blank. Well, not completely blank, it's as full of thoughts of you as it always is, but as apparently there are certain things we are not allowed to commit to paper, the less said, the better! Honestly Rasgotra, what were you trying to do to me with that whole fantasy thing? It's not fair to do that to a guy – I haven't been able to think of anything else for days!

As much as I'd like to write about your fantasies all morning, there are some serious things I want to say as well. I'm touched that you'd be prepared to move anywhere with me, I really am. That you'd be willing to give up your job, your friends for me, I… It means a Hell of a lot to me Neela. That's an understatement naturally, but I don't trust myself to say more. Just so you know, I still haven't ruled out coming back to Chicago once and for all, I don't have any fixed ideas, but the prospect of somewhere completely new appeals to me. It's not that I want to forget all that happened – that's us, our history – but I want somewhere that allows us to put it all behind us and make a new start. As much as part of me wants Chicago to be that place, I've tried to imagine it and I simply can't see it. I'm not sure Baton Rouge is either though. I'm happy enough to be here now, but those first couple of weeks after I returned were so hellish, full of so much pain and bitterness that I don't think I want to make my life in a place that has made me feel like that.

Look, we can keep going round in circles on this one. At the end of the day, all that really matters to me is that we're together, and you say it's the same for you, so I doubt we're going to come to any actual decision. What I propose is that we both do a bit of research, just basic stuff like what cities we like the sound of, what hospitals are there, if they have Trauma and Surgical Residency programs maybe. Then, when you come to visit, we throw it all together and see what we come up with. How does that sound to you?

And as for what Abby said; Neela, I want you to forget about it right away and never ever think such a thing again. It is absolutely untrue. Even when I had to endure seeing you with Michael, Gates, when my heart was at its most broken, even then I was glad I knew you. You've brought so much to my life that I would never have known existed if it hadn't been for you. You've taught me what love is Neela, and now I know that you lo– Well, that's for you to say, but even without the words, I know you do, and now I know that, I'll never want anyone but you. You mustn't ever doubt that. You're everything to me, my reason for living. I can't put it more plainly than that Neela – if you don't believe me now, you never will.

But Abby has started drinking again? I guess that's what it was when you said you knew something was wrong. Wow, I just didn't expect that at all. Abby's always seemed so together for as long as I've known her, I've always found it hard to believe she was an alcoholic. But to go back to it now…? I know my memory of the night is kinda hazy for more than one reason, but she was Luka seemed so happy at their wedding. I remember watching them dance together, and the way they looked at each other when they said their vows, and thinking if I ever got to be half that happy with you, I'd be over the moon. And now you and I have that and Abby is falling apart.

I know I should be concerned about her, and I am, she's my friend, but are you okay? I don't like the thought of you trying to cope with things by yourself. And friend or not, I definitely don't like her saying what she did to you. She has no right to make those assumptions, or to voice them. I hope Luka is home soon, for everyone's sakes.

Yeah, Brett's visit was pretty cool. For the record, I don't think you were presumptuous when you said that you felt like it was your responsibility to "fix" me, but these things can't be done by other people, they only come from within. Unless you're going to specialise in orthopedics, in which case you might be of some use on the fixing front! But joking aside, you needn't worry about me, not now. I'm okay Neela, I'm going to be okay. It's a damn hard journey, but I've taken the worst steps, both literal and metaphorical ones. Now I know what there is waiting for me at the end of the road – you – I'll do everything to get myself there.

The dates of your visit are all good for me, although not soon enough, naturally. I can't wait. God, the thought of seeing you again Neela… I miss every little single thing about you, the sound of your voice, the smell of your hair, the way you look at me, especially when you're angry, and most of all, the way you taste.

Just to warn you, I may be wandering off slightly into the category of things that shouldn't be committed to paper, but I'm saying this absolutely seriously, so I guess I'm allowed. When I kissed you that night, I never expected you to kiss me back. I thought you would pull away, offer some excuse, run as you always did. When I felt your body close to mine, your hand on my knee and your lips – Jesus, you're delicious – against mine… Well, you can imagine what it did to me, what it still does to me every time I think about it. Every part of me (not just that part!) aches to be near you again. If you were coming tomorrow, it wouldn't be soon enough.

I read your last letter out on the porch at sunset by the way, just for you. It was nice actually, although I doubt I'll always be able to wait til evening every time one of your letters arrives. When you visit, we'll sit there together and watch the sun set, and the view will be even more beautiful. (Stop laughing – lines don't come across well on paper, and that one wasn't great to begin with!)

Anyway, enough of that. Take care Neela, call me anytime you to talk, I'm always here.

Love Ray