Disclaimer: As before
Author's Note: Many thanks for the reviews on the last chapter – I love writing these letters and it's so nice to hear that you seem to like them as well! Now the festive period is over I am sadly back at work again so I can't guarantee when the next update is going to come, but it will probably be a Pushing Charts one, as I think it's that story's turn for a little attention next. By the way, is there anything you would like to see included in these letters? Kind of in return for how lovely you all are in taking the time to review. If there's something you would like to be covered in the letters, let me know and I'll see if I can fit it in with where these letters are going.
Chicago
29th July 2007
Dear Ray
Yes, I liked your greeting in your last letter (what girl in the world wouldn't want to be your girlfriend?!) but you know what, I prefer "Roomie". Of course, feel free to call me whatever you want, even "Neela" once in a while is okay (except Doctor Jumbomart, on no account are you permitted to ever call me that) but "Roomie" is just… I don't know. It's us, isn't it? We'll always be Roomies. If it hadn't been for all that time we spent together in our apartment then we'd never have this bond between us that we do now and I want to remember that forever. I know I might be viewing it through rose tinted spectacles a bit, but apart from now and what these letters have given me, I think those times were the happiest I've ever been. I didn't think so at the time, but, to trot out an old cliché, hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Wait, I'm verging into the territory of what ifs, aren't I? I'll stop. You didn't have to tell me why you wanted to make things official; I know it wasn't whatever silly reason you gave me Ray. I know you, I know how hard it is, especially after all I've put you through, for you to open up, and I truly appreciate it when you do. Basically, you don't have to tell me things like that if you don't want to, but it makes me so, so happy when you do.
What you were saying, about when you realised you were falling in love with me, made me think about it as well. I'm exactly the same, I couldn't say when I fell for you. I don't even know if it was before I married Michael or not. I think it began before, but it grew as time went on. The more time I spent with you, the better I got to know you, and who could blame me for feeling drawn to you then, wonderful, fantastic person that you are. Okay, okay, you can deflate your head now.
As for when I realised how I felt about you, I know the exact second. Do you remember when I was doing that presentation at the conference for Dubenko? Yes, I'm sure you do. God, the way you looked at me that morning… It makes my pulse race even now. Anyway. The speech was an utter disaster, but afterwards, I was sitting in the bar with Dubenko drinking martinis and I remember trying to persuade him that I was boring or something like that, and I told him that all I wanted to do was sit at home with my roomie. And that was it, that was when I knew. Of all the places in the world, of all the things I could be doing, there wasn't one single thing I would pick over sitting with you on the sofa, drinking beer, laughing, chatting, just being us.
So, now you know, that's why I had to go. I was married, my husband was away and I knew if I was to stay in our apartment I would betray Michael and I'm sorry for all the pain it caused, but adultery just isn't me. I could never do that. And so to stop myself, I left.
I know this is opening up old wounds, things we agreed to put behind us, but I've just realised, I've never actually told you about that night. My heart was breaking, there's no other way to put it. For us, for everything you and I could have been without Michael, and if I'm being honest, in a way for Michael as well, and all the things we could have been without you. Because I knew then that Michael and I were doomed. How could we be anything but, with the way I felt about you? Of course when he died, the guilt was overwhelming. You know me well enough to know how I must have felt.
Oh, and by the way, of course I knew you were trying to kiss me. I might not have had the courage to look at you, but I could feel every inch of your body, almost hear your heart racing. If I had given in then it would have been amazing but it would have never worked, not like that. The wrongness of it would have driven us apart.
So anyway, getting back to the original point, that's when I realised my feelings for you, and they've grown stronger and stronger ever since. Being apart from you is killing me, but think, it's less than a month now until we get to see each other. Less than a month! How utterly amazing is that?
I still haven't told anyone about us. Normally I would have told Abby but it's difficult at the moment. She hasn't apologised yet, not that I really expected her to. I know it isn't her who's behaving like that and saying those things, so I'm determined not let it prey on my mind. I thought that perhaps, when we do decide to break the news at County, I would tell Pratt first. It seems right, as he was Michael's best friend. I'm sure he would like to know first. What do you think? Not that I'm in any hurry to broadcast our little secret, I don't think there's any need to tell them until we've seen each other anyway. I like it being just us. If you want to tell people though, your parents and Brett, then go ahead. Although I would love to be there when you tell Brett. I can just imagine his reaction!
I think your idea of doing our research and putting our heads together on where we're going to live is a very, very good one. We've been going round in circles for several letters on it, you're right, and we won't get anything decided unless we're together. I won't say anything more for now, I'll leave it until the visit. That is, if I use my limited spare time to actually do my homework rather than writing letters to you!
I'm sorry to have had to ask for your reassurance about what Abby said. I really didn't mean to, but it's just one of those things that gets in your head and goes around and around until it's all you think about. But I listened to what you said and I believe you. I know how you feel about me, and that gives me the confidence and the security to believe in myself. So thank you for that, as well as so many other things.
And just for the record, there isn't any crippled rocker I'd rather be with than you, not ever. You're the one for me, and always will be. Even if, God forbid, things don't work out between us (not that I think they won't, in fact I'm sure they will, but just if it really does prove too hard) then it won't be because I stop loving you, because I will never, ever stop loving you.
Thank you for reading my last letter at sunset. The way you do small things like that for me just shows to me, as if I was in any doubt anyway, that you really will do anything for me. I promise that when I see you, I will make up for it in any way you want.
Oh, I was meaning to say, I've booked my flight. I arrive in Baton Rouge at 3:40 on the afternoon of Saturday the 25th of August and I can stay until Friday the 7th of September, and I fly out at around midday. Does that all sound all right? I know you said you'd organise things your end, but I'm more than happy to get a cab from the airport, your Mum doesn't have to be running around after me. I'm so excited though, I can't wait to be with you again. It's going to be the best two weeks ever.
And on that exceedingly positive note, I will say goodbye for now. Let me know if there's anything you want me to do before the visit – I've got a box of your things from your locker (Pratt and Morris retired it by the way, they won't let anyone use it. In fact, there's only a very select few of us who are allowed to touch it!) but if there's anything else you want bringing down then give me a list or something.
See you soon, and take care of yourself
Neela xxx