So What
Authoress: Wee-Me
DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything or anyone from "Buffy" and I am not profiting from writing about them.
WARNING: This story is not kind to any of the Scoobies and it involves a depiction of suicide. I do not advocate suicide and if it upsets you, please read no further.
Part Two
Anya had lulled Xander to sleep on the couch and pretended to sleep herself. They would need the sleep, when Willow was found she was sure there would be a definite lack. Dawn went straight to bed when they came home near sunrise and Buffy grudgingly let Spike stay to avoid the sun. Apparently their night out hadn't gone so well and had put the Slayer in a bad mood and Spike on the outs with her. Buffy stomped up the stairs leaving Spike alone downstairs.
Spike was still edgy, but not enough that he missed the clean club in the weapon chest when he put his own weaponry away. Anya rose quietly and shook her head to silence him before he could sound the alarm. She led him to the kitchen and cut him off before he could do more than ask what was going on.
"She left not long after you did. It's done, all we can do is wait for the call."
"How could you let her go? You could have stopped her, saved her."
"She'd already made up her mind. If it hadn't been last night it would have been some other. You're old enough to have seen someone who was already gone and Willow was long gone, probably before she went to England."
She was right, but that didn't mean he had to like it or that he was happy about it. When a container of blood in the fridge was fresh and/or human it generally meant Willow had gotten it, but all he had cared about as he heated it was that it would keep him from ripping out throats to express his displeasure and make his shiny new soul ache. He nearly dropped the whole mug when his first taste revealed it to be Willow's own. He drank it with reverence, a gift from a powerful witch and a good friend, and it soothed him some. Anya had her own mug, coffee filled, but she clutched at the necklace around her throat.
"She said she owed me a necklace. And I'd always liked this one when she wore it. You don't care, but I don't like the quiet."
"This is her blood. She left me some of her blood. You want to talk we can, 's better than thinking about what happened."
They talked for many long hours. Both were both hoping that Willow had shown less than her usual competence and would come in banged up but alive.
The call didn't come in until nearly noon, but it still woke the others up from late weekend sleeping. Buffy answered the phone and it woke the others up when it was flung down the stairs to shatter at the bottom. Dawn and Xander didn't take the news well either. The Summers sisters and Xander rode together in one car while Spike and Anya (forgotten by the distraught trio) took a route underground to avoid the sun and thick lunch time traffic. They all went in to identify the body.
In death she looked just like the Willow they had known and loved before the "addiction". Gone were the pinched lines around her eyes from straining to keep the magic at bay. Gone were the tear tracks that had become as much a part of her face as her nose in the months since her return. Also gone was the feeling that there was always someone there to listen and try to make things better.
Dawn threw up just seeing the neck wounds and Buffy had to carry her out of the hospital because she was crying so hard. The Slayer was oddly distanced from the whole situation, as if it weren't her friend on the cold metal table. Xander had kissed her forehead before knocking over several trays while screaming at her and had to be escorted out by security. Only Anya and Spike remained with her and only they had the courage (or the compulsion) to know what Willow had gone through and what was hidden beneath the sheet. It looked like rats had gotten to her they agreed. She was thankfully mostly whole. The demons she'd chosen were powerful but small and ate only while the heart pumped which hadn't been long because they also tended to rip open veins and arteries as they had with Willow.
"She wouldn't have lived long anyway. Lookit how frail she is. Did she never eat?"
"I don't understand this. I've seen more, done worse, and I'm still crying. She was my friend Spike, even if she didn't really want to be and we weren't very close. She was my friend and I didn't realize it until she was going off to die. I didn't notice she was already dying right in front of me."
Living, dead, and undead they held each others' hands and formed a strange triad, a modified life cycle. They stayed with her until the end, even going so far as riding along with her to the crematorium and waiting as she was turned to ash. She had clearly feared that someone would try to bring her back, as she had Buffy, so her will ordered her remains be incinerated immediately. Her remains were held for her attorney and there was nothing left to do but go home and grieve. Giles was there when they arrived at Buffy's (he'd come via transport spell for speed) and greeted them wearily looking as sad and old as he ever had.
"Is she, that is, did they… What has been done with her remains?"
"Crematorium, Ripper. Red didn't leave anything to chance from what I could gather."
"No, she wouldn't leave it to chance. She did go seeking them then? I was hoping I'd misunderstood her. I think I shall keep that from the others for the time being." He cleaned his glasses though they already gleamed. "Spike, I think it might be safest for you if you went to your crypt for the evening, and Anya may want to take some time away as well. Buffy is on the warpath and Xander is very supportive of the anti-demon sentiment."
Anya dashed forward and hugged Giles before going outside to wait for Spike on the steps. The men tried not to notice her tears or how she hugged herself like she might fall apart.
"Be safe Ripper and call me if things get out of hand. I think I'll keep the demon girl with me tonight, she's shook."
It wasn't hard to lead Anya to his crypt and if he'd been his old self Spike would have had an easy meal. She lay down without complaint and he could free no words of his own to comfort her. He nearly missed the fuzzy feel of the sweater as he tucked the sad woman into his bed, but the strong scent of Willow caught his attention.
"She did leave it for you, I wondered if she would." Anya murmured. "I reminded her it was your favorite."
He nodded, it was his favorite. It was what she was wearing the first time he'd cried his unbeating heart out to her and threatened her within an inch of her life. He hadn't intended to sleep, but he laid down beside Anya and they held each other as they quietly grieved. When he woke up he put the sweater into an inner pocket of his duster, brushing his fingers over it when he needed a moment of calm.
The following days were a crazed blur to them all. Giles had to explain to Dawn, Xander, and Buffy that Willow had master-minded her own death. The demon population suffered the brunt of the Slayer's anger, but she didn't focus her lashing out. Angel rode in expecting to save the day for the woman who'd saved his soul and felt responsible for letting her down somehow. They received notices from her attorney about the service (just after sunset for those with a sun allergy) and were allowed in her home to gather their inheritances.
There was little to do at her home besides gather what she'd left them and try not to feel ghoulish opening presents from their dead friend. The carefully labeled boxes made it all too clear that she'd been planning a long time and they had missed all the signs. Several of the boxes were for Giles, including one that held a few orbs in case Angel's soul came unattached again. The furniture was gone, the floors waxed, and not a trace left of Willow in the place outside of the images in the photos she left them. Each of them had a letter addressed to them inside of a large manila envelope tucked into the binder.
Dear Giles,
I'll try to keep this short and babble free. Three of the boxes are yours, mostly magic stuff that you might be able to use. My attorneys (a demon firm, fewer questions that way) will be releasing some funds for you, it's the least I could do. I know this isn't the bravest way out, but we both know I'm not brave don't we? I'm no Slayer and sidekicks shouldn't get big heads like I did. At least dying will get me out of everyone's way. Just know that I'm sorry for it all and I love you like a father. You were one of the best things about meeting Buffy, even if we didn't always see eye to eye. Take care,
Willow
Dawn's letter held the pertinent papers to transfer ownership of the car and a sincere apology alongside a few of her favorite little Dawnie stories. She wrote: "I know that I can never make up for what I've done to you, but at least you won't have to suffer my presence any longer."
Xander's told him how much she had loved him as her brother and best friend, how sorry she was about everything, and asked him to visit Jesse's grave every once in a while (as she always had). "Even if you never visit mine, Jesse doesn't deserve to be lonely and the grave is all we have left of him. I've said my goodbye to him."
Anya's was a less personal letter, but suggested that the magic items left to her could fetch a fair price. It also wished her well with Xander and willed her the necklace she'd already received. "It only seems fair I give you at least one necklace and you've always seemed to like this one."
Buffy didn't share the contents of her letter, but it she didn't tear it up or throw it away.
Dear Angel,
I've packed up a few things I thought you might use in the good fight. I know we weren't close, but I appreciate all the help you gave us and I'd like to ask you a favor. Please watch out for Spike, his soul is still new and I think he needs someone to talk to sometimes. I don't know if I did very well trying to help him, but I think you could handle him. Take care and keep up the good work.
Willow
Spike's letter wished him the best of luck, apologized for helping keep him prisoner and any other offenses, and suggested he try to reconcile with Angel "because he knows what the soul thing is like. Besides, you knew Angelus- maybe Angel isn't the hardcore demon, but he's still your family. If you give him a chance you might like him, or at least tolerate him while heckling like you do Xander. I just want you to have someone to talk to. I've come to like you Mr. The Bloody and I want you to be good to yourself."
They left the house with their groups and didn't speak to each other. Angel stayed near Anya and Spike. Buffy, Dawn, and Xander pulled Giles away with them. Xander hadn't spoken to Anya in the days following the identification at the morgue except to insult her demon heritage and tell her she wasn't worth his time. His glare clearly said he didn't approve of the company she was keeping, but he kept his thoughts to himself for Willow. It was just as well she had decided to go back to England with Giles, there was nothing really keeping her in Sunnydale anymore.
The memorial, the impersonal scattering of her remains, was done before the exodus out of Sunnydale. It was a tense meeting. Xander was at least moderately drunk, Buffy looked ready to kill, Dawn couldn't stop crying, and they clustered together away from the others. Toward the center Spike and Giles stood like a sort of melancholy honor guard around Anya, their faces all shining with regret. Angel stood brooding to the other side, trying to recall if there were any signs that quiet, dependable Willow would take such desperate measures, but he could not recall enough personal encounters with her to come up with any. Her lawyer released her ashes to the wind and down to the water without ceremony. He said, "Seems a shame. Good witch. Good client." Then he gave Giles an envelope full of important documents and left them to grieve. Buffy grunted "selfish" to no one in particular and with no indication of how it was to be taken. She pulled Dawn back down the steep path to the car without looking back. Xander shot an accusatory glance to the others before staggering after Buffy. None of those left wanted to break the peace so they simply whispered a good-bye.
Anya and Giles were the first to leave. They shipped Anya's belongings and their Willow gifts and set up the store to sell. Giles had to return by spell, but Anya flew out with only Spike to see her off. They settled in quite well together in an 'Odd Couple' sort of way. Angel left within hours of them, going ahead to prepare a place for Spike at the hotel. Spike had gathered the meager belongings he had at the crypt and packed his car. He didn't know if it would work out in L.A., but Sunnydale wasn't a good place to be anymore (especially with an angry Slayer about) and Willow had thought it might help him. He said a quick goodbye to Dawn, he had to speak to her from her window for safety, and let her know where he would be. Then he left a rose on Willow's empty grave before putting Sunnydale behind him. He didn't even have the enthusiasm to run down the Sunnydale sign.
Those left behind didn't do as well. Buffy and Xander turned to slaying and each other to get over their loss. They became a couple of sorts and not a healthy one. Xander stayed at least buzzed all the time, his father seemed to have influenced him more than previously thought. Buffy's focus on slaying and Xander left her with little time for Dawn or any of the other human niceties. Dawn took Willow's car, she would never call it her own, and disappeared into a new life far from anyone that knew her. The former Key was the last of them to visit Willow's grave and the last to trace her hand over the inscription on the headstone.
Here lies Willow Rosenberg: So what?
End Part Two
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I don't know why I've been killing all the characters lately, but hopefully I'll write something happier soon. Yes, this is fairly unkind to those left living, but I don't think it's very nice to Willow either so it's equal opportunity meanness on my part, please no angry rants. Also, I know the cremation bit is sort of odd, but I don't think this is the weirdest thing that could have happened in Sunnydale (and before Shelly attacks, I know they're cremains and not ashes, I just prefer to call them ashes). Please let me know what you think.