Who I Am - Lightning99

Chapter 68:

A Snowy Autumn Evening

Lillie watched Ash closely the morning after his talk with Serena. He wore a smile throughout the morning, but she deduced, from the moments in between, that there was a lot on his mind.

She had seen the first sign as soon as she had woken up. Ash was already awake, so while she lay there, yawning and waiting for her eyes to adjust, she had heard him sigh. Then her eyes had focused, and she had caught him looking at the ceiling, the back of his hand against his forehead, his features scrunched in what she assumed was contemplation. He saw her, and his smile appeared, but from then on, she had been attentive.

He had said he wanted to go for a quick jog to clear his head, so Lillie had joined him. While jogging, his eyes were either on her or the horizon. The former had made her nearly trip a few times and made her wonder if she was breathing too heavily and what he thought of her fitness level. The latter, and the frown he wore while staring at the sky, had made her want to stop jogging to wrap her arms around him.

The final sign had been about half an hour ago. They were in the lobby waiting while Mallow prepared lunch, and Lillie had paused their conversation to get a glass of water from the kitchens. When she had returned to the lobby, she had seen him looking at his shoes, elbows on his knees, frowning again. Then, Serena and Shauna had descended to the lobby. Ash and Serena had exchanged glances, but neither one said anything. It was when Lillie saw the flash of confliction in Ash's eyes that she decided it: after everything Ash had done for her, the least she could do was help him in return.

When they finished their lunch and Mallow, who was unusually quiet, left, Lillie turned to Ash.

"Do you have any plans for the afternoon?" she asked.

"No, not really. Why?"

"Would you accompany me on a walk around the city?"

Ash's eyebrows rose slightly. "Yeah, sure."

Lillie stood and offered her hand to Ash, which he took. She looped her bag over her shoulder, picked up her egg and they set out through the front doors.

"Any reason why?" Ash asked as they started down the street. There were a few people strolling around them. Some of them wore kimonos, their sandalled feet klacking against the stone.

"Not particularly," Lillie said, breathing in the clean afternoon air. "I thought it would be nice."

"I won't argue with that," Ash said, reaching to his shoulder to scratch Pikachu's cheek.

They continued on, turning away from Malie Garden when they came to the crossroad. They took it slow, for which Lillie was thankful. It let her think about what she could say to Ash without revealing why she asked him out on this walk.

But even with that time, Lillie couldn't gather her thoughts. So, when they stepped onto the main shopping stretch, Lillie pulled Ash into the first store they passed. It happened to be the clothes store, so she suggested they browse. It was spontaneous, but it also let her think about her words.

Ash was the first to pull something from a rack. It was a pair of pink swim shorts patterned all over with goofy Slowpoke faces. As much as it made her laugh when she saw how utterly delighted he was by them, Lillie couldn't not tell him they weren't exactly his style. Mallow probably would have defriended her if she had given him the ok. That didn't stop Ash from buying them, though.

Lillie, on the other hand, took her time browsing the racks. She picked out a few dresses she liked – mostly white dresses with different colour sunflowers on them – and, to her own glee, found it easy to place them against her body for measurements and ask Ash what he thought. Unfortunately, she left the shop without buying any, her face and chest hotter than the mid-afternoon sun after Ash claimed, without a shred of realisation of what he was doing to her, that they all looked either cute, adorable, or beautiful.

"Aww, I really loved that last one," Ash said, stuffing the Slowpoke swim shorts into his backpack.

"You did? Wasn't it too similar to what I'm wearing now?"

"I guess, maybe. Doesn't that just show how well your usual dresses suit you?"

Lillie looked at her feet. "Yes, I suppose so."

"You ok?" Ash asked, ducking his head low enough to look up at her.

Lillie flinched up, and Ash stood straight again. "Yes, I'm ok. It's just… I have never bought my own clothes before. Mallow helped me once, but other than that, my mother chose all of my outfits for me. Even this one," she said, flapping the edge of her dress.

"Ah," Ash said. "Well, you look great, so she can't be all evil."

"S-Stop that," Lillie said, even though she did not, in fact, want him to. She started fiddling with one of her platinum plaits.

"Where to next?" Ash asked.

"Hmm. How about some berry juice?"

"Sounds good," Ash said, and they entered the first café they found.

A berry juice, a street-battle watched, and a lap of the city later, and Lillie thought her plan of helping Ash re-order his thoughts had fallen rather far off track. She had intended to ask him some more personal questions, but, she supposed, the afternoon they had wasn't bad, especially if it took his mind off things.

Now she just needed to decide if it counted as a date.

"I suppose I do have a question," Lillie said, glancing through the window as they passed the hair salon. A golden glint reflected off it. When she looked at Ash, he was already looking at her. "I mean about your question earlier. Why I asked you to come for a walk with me."

"Oh, right. Yeah?"

"Umm. How are your preparations for the next part of your Island Challenge going?"

Of all things to respond with, Ash chuckled. "Oh yeah, I'm still doing that, aren't I?"

"You forgot you are taking the Island Challenge?"

"I know, right? Me, of all people." Ash chuckled again. He skipped a step forward, spinning to face her. He continued walking backwards. "I wouldn't say I forgot, but I guess so much has happened in the last few days that it hasn't been my focus."

Lillie nearly let her internal cringe out into her expression.

"Yes, I suppose that is true."

"But to answer your question, I've kinda hit a wall," Ash said, ducking beneath a hanging lamp.

Lillie stepped around it and back in front of him. "How do you mean?"

"Do you want to hear the whole list?"

"You have a list?"

"Sort of." As Ash made his list, he raised a finger with each point. "I have no idea who the next trial captain or the Kahuna are, Lycanroc still feels guilty about getting angry, and now that most of my Kalos team is here, I have no idea what to do with them. Add in Infernape, Staraptor, Heracross, and Sceptile, and it's gonna be difficult to keep them all entertained since I'm not using them for the trials. When the league comes, yeah, I'm sure they'll have their turns, but for now…"

"I hadn't even considered that all of that was on your mind too," Lillie said.

"Honestly, it's not. The last thing on my mind right now is the Island Challenge, but those are just some things I came up with on the spot."

Pikachu stood on two feet to pat Ash on the head a few times. Ash just chuckled.

"Thanks for the sympathy, buddy."

That sympathy, however, turned immediately into a fit of laughter when Ash walked backward into a lamppost. His head clanged against the hanging lantern, and then the thump of him hitting the ground drew the attention of a few passers-by. Lillie, her lips trembling so not to laugh, stepped around the lamppost to get to him.

Ash flung himself into a sitting position. He looked at Pikachu, who was rolling around on the path, and sighed.

"I can't catch a break," Ash said.

Lillie crouched beside him, holding onto her hat, balancing her egg between one arm and her thigh. "I was hoping that this walk might have been a nice break, but if you've got all of that on your mind…"

Ash looked from Pikachu to her, and Lillie stilled. She hadn't realised how close she had crouched beside him until his eyes met hers, a mere few inches away. They stared for a long moment. Lillie held her breath. Then, Ash smiled and raised a hand.

"Help me up?" he asked, and Lillie obliged, pushing herself to her feet along with him. Ash dusted off his shorts and they continued on through the city, heading in the tree-bordered direction of Mt Hokulani.

"Today has been a nice break, you know," Ash said about halfway through the route.

Lillie looked up at him. "It has?"

"Yeah. The nice chat we had this morning, you joining me for a jog, having lunch with Mallow, and now this. Just walking around the city, chatting, having fun, not worrying about the choices I have to make."

"Choices?"

"Yeah. With the Island Challenge, the Aether Foundation situation, how to help my Pokémon, the people that are apparently out to get me…" The way Ash was looking at her changed with his next point. "Giving Serena my answer."

Lillie looked at her feet. "I'm not very subtle, am I?"

Ash laughed. "I don't know. I did wonder why you joined me for a jog, of all things."

Lillie smiled. "I suppose I will ask, then. How are you faring with everything today? I know you said you needed that chat with Serena yesterday, but…"

Lillie received her response by way of a long, tired-sounding groan and Ash flopping forward so violently he folded over. When he righted himself, they had nearly reached the end of the route, whereat the bus to the top of the mountain was unloading some passengers. Ash gestured to it, Lillie nodded, and they hopped on.

Neither of them continued their conversation during the bus journey. Instead, they chose to look out the windows, admiring the views across the island. They pointed out Pokémon to each other all the way up. When they disembarked, Ash led Lillie around the side of the lab, to where there was a little outcrop overlooking the sea. They sat beside each other a few metres from the edge.

The horizon shone with a magnificent golden hue.

"You noticed I was thinking a lot this morning?" Ash asked.

Lillie nodded.

"And asking me on a walk was a way to help me stop thinking about Serena?"

"I… I would not say so much as stop thinking about her because, if I have interpreted what happened yesterday correctly, you should definitely think about it. You looked sad this morning."

Ash, of all things, chuckled.

"H-Hey! Don't laugh!"

"No, sorry, I didn't mean it like that," Ash said, waving his hands. "I'm not sad."

"You're not?"

Ash shook his head. "I'm thinking, is all. Not in a bad way."

Lillie was going to ask what about, but when Ash didn't elaborate, she didn't. Instead, she waited.

"After everything that has happened between us," Ash continued, "it feels like any chance at something more with her has been… I dunno. And after coming to Alola, my feelings have changed a lot. But after our talk, I noticed there's still a little part of me that feels like I used to. I don't know if it's my current feelings or if it's my old feelings clinging on, if it's the old me asking to come back. If it is, I don't think him coming back would be possible. I dunno. I've never had to think so seriously about anything like this before."

"I see," Lillie said.

"Thank you for trying so hard today, Lillie, for bringing me out here and having fun."

"It was fun, then?"

Ash chuckled. "Kinda?"

"Hey!" Lillie said, feeling a pout slip into her expression.

"Kidding, kidding. It's been really fun. Other than that, I need to think, that's all. I'll be fine. There's no need to do this every day. Just carry on as normal."

"I see," Lillie said. "In that case, do you think I could practice getting closer to Pokémon for the rest of the evening?"

"You don't have to ask. Of course, you can. Any time you want to, just grab one of my Pokémon. I'm sure they won't mind," Ash said.

Pikachu cried from his shoulder. Lillie petted his head in thanks, revelling in the fact that she could.

That was what they did when they returned to the room. They started with Pikachu, which was so easy that Lillie could have shouted in delight. Then Ash asked Stufful forwards, who Lillie found she could approach easily enough. Petting her was more difficult, but Lillie managed a solid thirty seconds before pulling her hand away, which was much better than the first time she had even approached Pikachu.

Lillie kept going, petting Stufful's plushy head until, finally, Stufful started flailing. She would have hit Lillie's head had Ash not realised what was about to happen and scooped her up just in time. Lillie heart accelerated faster than it had in a while after that scare.

Ash decided to leave Stufful for now and try Torracat, but Lillie said it was ok, that she would like to stop for the evening. She didn't think her heart could take another scare like that today. She held her hand to her chest, willing it to calm down. When it finally did, though, it flipped to the other extreme; her heart nearly stopped when, across the room, her egg flinched.

"Ash," Lillie said, tapping his shoulder. He looked up and she pointed to the egg. It lurched more than before. Lillie jumped to her feet and ran over to it, soon joined by Ash. It shook a few more times, then the top cracked. The crack spread down the sides of the egg in forked, lightning-like patterns, and a moment later, it popped open, and the Pokémon inside made Lillie gasp.

Its fur was a snowy white, with cloud-like clumps on its head and for its tail, and its eyes were an icy blue. It stretched, shook its head so that its fur shimmered, then let out the cutest little cry that Lillie had ever heard.

"A Vulpix…" Lillie whispered, for she didn't know if too much noise would startle the little Pokémon.

"That's an Alolan Vulpix?" Ash asked in a whisper too.

"Yes. They are Ice-Types in Alola."

"Incredible…"

They watched as Vulpix looked up from the bedside table. It blinked its big eyes at them, shook its fur once more, then padded forwards. It tottered – Lillie's hands flew out instinctively – but it didn't fall. It knocked against the blanket she had cushioned it with and glanced at it. It sniffed the blanket, then started pawing it.

"She's adorable…"

Lillie kept watching as Vulpix looked up from the blanket to her. Vulpix tilted her head, cried again, and Lillie smiled back. Then Vulpix stepped forward. Lillie flinched back, causing Vulpix to shrink back. When Lillie realised what she had done, she felt her heart fall.

"I…" Lillie whispered, looking at her hand. "I'm…"

"Lillie," she heard Ash say, but she didn't acknowledge it.

"I can't…"

"Lillie!" Ash said a little louder, tapping her shoulder. She looked around at him, and the look on his face was not what she was expecting. Rather than the gentle eyes he had while helping her with Pikachu, his eyes were determined. He nodded slowly.

"I'm not going to help you this time, ok?" Ash said. Lillie widened her eyes. She wanted to ask what he meant, but Ash widened his eyes again, and she understood.

She looked at Vulpix, then back to Ash. He nodded again, and the determination in his eyes seemed to seep into her.

Lillie inhaled quickly, held it, then exhaled, looking into Vulpix's wide, curious eyes. She looked at her hand and started raising it, going slow so not to startle herself or Vulpix. She raised it above the bedside table into Vulpix's eyeline, who flinched. Lillie stopped, waiting, and Vulpix leaned forwards.

Lillie inhaled again, held it, then exhaled again. She continued, moving her hand closer.

Vulpix rustled her fur a little bit, and Lillie flinched back. But she didn't stop. She moved forwards, raising her hand above Vulpix's head. She hesitated, snapped her eyes shut for a moment, telling herself to calm down. Then she opened them and lowered her hand, feeling the soft fur snuggle around her palm and fingers.

That first step was all she needed. Lillie moved her hand left, then right, then left and then right. When Vulpix let out a gentle cry, Lillie's smile broke free. As she brushed Vulpix's fur, she felt Ash leave her side. She looked around a moment, watching him rustle around in his bag. He returned with a Pokéball in hand and presented it to her.

"Are you ready to catch your first Pokémon?" Ash asked.

Lillie nodded. "I am," she said in a teary, wavering, high-pitched voice. She took the Pokéball.

"Hi, Vulpix. My name is Lillie. I – umm – is it alright if I catch you?" Lillie asked. Vulpix tilted her head to the side. Lillie giggled. "Sorry, you probably don't know what that is. Then how about… Can I give you a name?"

Vulpix seemed to ponder the thought. She nodded.

"Right! Umm… How about Shiron? No, that's…" Lillie looked behind her at the bag in the corner, in which Nebby rested. She looked back at Vulpix. "How about Snowy?"

Vulpix cooed, and Lillie nodded.

"Snowy it is," she said, petting Snowy once more because she just couldn't help it. She raised the Pokéball. "Are you ready?"

Snowy nodded. Lillie pressed the Pokéball to her head. It popped open, pulling Snowy inside in a red glow, then snapped shut. It shook in her palm, the cool metal rolling over her skin. Once, twice, three times. Then it clicked closed, and Lillie flinched when she heard clapping. She spun around to see Ash and Pikachu stood beside her.

"You did it, Lillie," Ash said.

Lillie looked at the Pokéball in her hand for a long moment, then hugged it to her chest. She hadn't been able to hug Snowy directly, but…

"I did it," Lillie said. "I caught my first Pokémon."

"Yeah! How does it–?!"

Ash didn't finish his sentence. Lillie threw her arms around him, holding tight. He reciprocated the gesture, and they didn't separate until Lillie felt ready.

Lillie had often imagined all of the benefits of having a Pokémon for herself, but she had never once considered the havoc it would cause her life. The rest of the evening before had faded to Lillie putting Snowy to bed and ensuring she was comfortable while she slept. She had stayed up most of the night staring at Snowy's sleeping form, watching her side rise and fall with her breathing. So, when Ash woke her early to let her know that Snowy was hungry, Lillie didn't think she had ever been so tired.

Then, she ventured downstairs with Snowy at her heels, and Mallow's squeal of delight finally woke her up. Her friends gathered around, and before she knew it, everyone was talking at once.

"She's beautiful!" Mallow was the first to say, crouching down in front of the seat Snowy had sat set on. She leaned in close, startling Snowy. Ash patted Mallow's back, pulling her away.

"She really is," Kiawe said. "So, this is the Alolan Vulpix… I heard the ones in Kanto are Fire-Types. What are they like?" he asked, because of course he did. Ash started answering in the background as everyone took their turns greeting Snowy. Lillie, meanwhile, stood beside the chair, grinning.

"Did you catch her, Lillie?" Sophocles asked.

Lillie nodded. "I did!"

"Well done! That's a big improvement from before."

"Thank you. I've been trying my best."

"And it looks like it's paying off," Clemont said.

"It is. First Pikachu, now Snowy," Lillie said. "I'm getting there."

"I'm happy for you, Lillie," Clemont said.

Since everybody present had finished with their praise, Lillie was about to thank them all. But then the doors slid open, and she heard a single shout:

"Lillie!"

Lillie swivelled on her heels just in time for Professor Kukui to skid to a stop in front of her. He dropped a large, warm, fatherly hand on her shoulder, grinning.

"I'm so proud of you, yeah," Kukui said.

"Professor Kukui, what are you doing here? I thought you went back to Melemele Island after the incident," Lillie said.

"I had a few things to sort out with the League committee," Kukui said, then glanced across the group at Ash. "Ash called me last night, told me about Snowy. At first, I scolded him for ruining your surprise, then he asked me to give her a check-up, and I let him off. It was a smart move, just to make sure she's healthy. May I?"

"Please!" Lillie said, stepping aside for him to take her place around Snowy. Everyone else stepped back and allowed him to do his job.

As Kukui worked, Lillie couldn't stop fiddling with her hair, dress, or even Snowy's Pokéball. But when he finally stood up and gave her a thumbs up and a grin, Lillie could think of only one thing that made her as happy as she felt.

After that, everybody else let out some of their Pokémon to meet Snowy too. Ash had to make Kiawe return his Turtonator for now. Such a large Pokémon, especially indoors, had startled her. Lillie smiled through all of it, revelling in the knowledge that, finally, she had caught her own Pokémon. Finally, she could interact with the rest of her friends in this way.

It wasn't the first hint, but it was her smile that did it.

Ash knew he must have been hopped up on adrenaline after talking to Serena, because waking up the day after had been more than dampening. The relief of re-establishing their friendship, of knowing she was ok, was no more, replaced instead by more thoughts than his head could contain and a strange emptiness in his chest.

He had decided to go for a jog to clear it, but even that nor the shower afterwards had helped. There was only one part of his jog that had shifted that strange emptiness: whenever he had looked at Lillie jogging beside him. Maybe it was the unusualness of seeing her in his environment and clothes she didn't wear, but each jump of his heart was another hint, even if they faded afterward.

But then she asked him on a walk. With each thing they did, he started feeling that emptiness less and less until, by the time they were sitting atop Mt Hokulani, it was tiny. But the hint in this case happened far earlier when they were browsing the clothes store. Any time Lillie had shown him a potential purchase, any time he imagined her in the outfit, he couldn't see anything other than her beauty.

And then Snowy had hatched. He had seen her smile, and the emptiness, the questions, and the confusion had all lifted.

He had considered this before. He had thought about this strange feeling Lillie gave him the day they visited the beach. When they had attended the festival, he had given that feeling a purpose, a name. But even then, that had been hidden behind a maybe. Then Serena had appeared and thrown his heart back into confusion.

But confusion was all it was. Now, Ash could clearly see that his feelings had changed. Serena's arrival may have made him question that change, but now, he didn't have any doubts. No more confliction, no more unconscious fright, and no more maybe.

It wasn't the first hint, but it was her smile that gave him his answer.

Hi!

Wow, this turned out to be a difficult chapter to finish. I think I was slapped with the biggest block I've had yet, meaning this chapter went through like four different versions. Originally, this wasn't what this chapter was going to be, and there were scenes included that I've taken out or placed later on. But after taking the time to think, I've reorganised my thoughts and my plan going forward. Writing something else in the meantime definitely helped. Sometimes you know what you want to happen, but you just can't figure out how to get there. As such, this chapter works to do two things: confirm where exactly Ash is mentally, and remind me where I am.

While taking the time to think, a lot has crossed my mind with regards to the story. Things I like, things I look back on that I could've done differently, but I'll elaborate on these thoughts when I (eventually) finish the story. With regards to the normal Sun and Moon story, there's not actually that much left to cover. But things might not be exactly the same. We're finally getting close to the part that sparked this whole idea.

Thank you for being ever-patient with my comically awful uploads, and for continuing to read if you are! This story is more than a slow-burn, but I've learned so much during my time writing it. I won't stop until the end! :D