Disclaimer: As before
Author's Note: Yeah, I know that chapter was a bit different, but I don't think what they're doing would be an easy ride for them, especially Ray, and if you've seen the clip I mentioned in the last chapter, then I'm sure you'll agree that there had to be some sort of skeleton lurking in the Barnett family closet to fit with that.
Chicago
6th August 2007
Dear Ray
Oh God, I don't know what to say. I… I really don't, I'm lost for words. I – I'm sorry if you can't read my writing very well, but even now, I'm still shaking when I think of everything you told me. I… Right, sorry, I've got to pull myself together, else I'll be no bloody use to you at all.
First of all, can I apologise that I haven't replied sooner. I can imagine that you have been climbing the walls after telling me all that and having to wait so long for a response. I know I would have been, although to be honest, I can't really see myself being courageous enough to talk about something like that. I needed time to process it before I could write back to you I think, and as I'm sure you can tell, I'm still not really ready, but I couldn't leave you hanging any longer. I did think about calling you, but for some reason I feel that a subject as serious as this deserves something lasting like a letter.
I can't promise that any of what I'm going to say is going to be eloquent, or even coherent, but I shall do my best to make it make sense. I'm honoured, moved, touched, a thousand things that I don't know how to put into words, that you felt you could tell me. Even though you say you don't trust me as far as our relationship, I mean romantically, goes, the fact that you would share such a huge thing with me sort of tells me you trust me as a friend – correct me if I'm wrong – but that means the world to me, everything. When we first started these letters, I never dared hope that we were going to reach the point we have done now, all I wanted was to get that old closeness and friendship back between us, and trust was a big part of that. And there is some of it left, isn't there?
At the same time though, I am utterly heartbroken that you've been carrying all that around with you for so, so long and have been going through all those memories alone. I won't pretend that I know anything about what you must have gone through – to say that I do would be patronising, but medically, I do, and even though Abby doesn't talk about her Mum and brother very much, I know pieces of the story, enough to know it isn't pretty.
I… Oh Ray, I know you said you don't want my sympathy, but how I can I offer you anything else? I don't want to offend you, but it kills me that you've been alone on this for so long. I just… God, it probably wouldn't help, you probably are worried about far more important things than me, but I want to hold you, I want to tell you everything is going to be okay, I want to kiss it better. I know I can't, but if you'll let me, then I'll try for the rest of my life.
And that brings me on to the most important thing I wanted to say to you, and hopefully I'll get this out okay. When I said that I wanted to be with you, I meant it, for better for worse and all that – in sickness and in health. There'll be no more running away, not ever. And before you get some stupid thought in your head, it isn't because I feel obligated to stay with you because of what I've put you through or what you've been through in general, and even though you've thrown this huge thing into the mix, I still feel like I have to stick to my word. It's because you make me happier than I knew was even possible. You make me feel like the person I always wanted to be and never knew how to. You make my heart overflow with happiness. It sounds corny, but it's completely true.
I don't care… No, that isn't right, of course I care, I care about every little single thing to do with you, but it doesn't matter to me that your Dad is a manic depressive, that you might be, that our children might be. It doesn't change the way I think about you, except to perhaps I respect and admire you even more. There's an illness in your family, okay, but you're still you, and our children will still be our children, and it's every part of you that makes you the person you are. If that includes manic depression, then so be it. Yes, I honestly mean that. I never thought this was going to be easy, and if it's harder than I thought then, well, it doesn't mean I'm going to give up on you, not ever.
And remember, the age of onset for manic depression is usually the late teens or early twenties – if you started showing symptoms now (and you're not, are you?) then it would be unusual. Not impossible I know, but unusual.
Wow, I'm getting fairly ahead of things, aren't I? Our children? Are you as freaked out by that as I am?! Just in case you now have an urge to run screaming, I am talking entirely hypothetically, in some parallel grown up universe in which we would actually be capable of raising a child without perforating its eardrums with rock music or giving it food poisoning from "biohazard" cookies (you guys still aren't forgiven over that you know!) I might not be great with kids, but I think I read somewhere that you're not meant to feed them takeaways all the time – that would bugger us as parents really, wouldn't it?
Sorry, that was my pathetic attempt to lighten the mood a little. And I will try to move onto slightly less draining things in a minute, but I will say first, I'm really happy to hear you and your Mum are smoothing things out. I always knew you weren't close, but I never had the remotest idea that things had been so hard for you, and I'm so proud of you that on top of everything else, learning to walk again, that you've got the strength to do that.
I know what you mean about talking about this being exhausting. It's not even my story and writing this letter has left me feeling completely drained. Thank you for telling me Ray, all of it. I'm glad that you did. I can't say that all of it has entirely sunk in yet and maybe it won't until I see you but… I needed to know. "We" needed me to know.
I can't manage any more on that for now. I hope I have said enough to have reassured you that I'm not going to run away from you again. It's now less than three weeks until I'll be down there with you and then we can talk some more. More than anything, I just want to hold you, have you hold me, to be close to you. When I told you that you would get through this, I didn't know just how hard a journey you had ahead of you, but I don't doubt that you can do it. You can do anything Ray, you're my hero.
And as we're talking about the visit, tell your Mum thank you very much for her offer to come and pick me up, it's extremely kind of her and although I still maintain it's absolutely unnecessary, I'd be delighted to accept. The things you've got planned, well, not planned, sound wonderful. I can't thing of anything I would rather be doing, or anyone else I'd rather be with. Supporting you in your PT sessions is something I've been wanting to do from the outset, it's really important to me, and I'd love to just hang out like old times. The park sounds beautiful; I can't wait to go there.
I wanted to write more in this letter but after the depth and emotion in everything you said last time, I don't want to insult that by wittering on about my normal rubbish, it wouldn't be appropriate at all. Before I sign off though, I just want to ask, is everything okay? Notwithstanding the things you were talking about in your letter, you sounded different, angry. What you were saying, they were things that we've discussed, that I thought we were okay on. Not that you don't have every right to be mad at me, but… I didn't realise that you still were, that's all. If there's something you want to talk about, or that you want me to do, or just anything really, then please tell me. I'm right here, ready and waiting, and very soon, I'll be right there with you. I promise.
Your Neela xxx
PS. Don't think just because I haven't mentioned the use of "Doctor Jumbomart" that you're going to get away with it!!