Disclaimer: As before

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter; I know it was a very short one, but I promise, this one will make up for it! So in return, please lots of reviews! This particular chapter, and the next one as it happens, are two of the key chapters that I've had in my mind pretty much since the outset of this story. I know that you were all very much hoping for the visit to be included in the story, but as I have said, these are letters, so that was never going to happen, but this is my way of telling the story of the visit. I hope you aren't too disappointed! By the way, the rating on this chapter is slightly T+.

Baton Rouge

September 8th 2007

To my amazing, beautiful Neela

I hope you've found this letter okay. I'm gonna hide it in the surgical journal you brought with you to read on the plane, so if my master plan has worked, right now as you're looking at this, you're winging your way back to Chicago, for now at least. I miss you already as I'm writing, and you haven't even left yet.

Now, follow my orders: sit back, and get the attention of one of the air stewardesses. Done that? Good, now order yourself a drink, a vodka and tonic maybe? Something to relax with. Okay, stop reading until you've got it, and taken a sip. There, better? All right, on with the letter. This is going to be a long one, hence the drink… You'll see.

These have been the best, best two weeks of my life, bar none. Last night especially, but the whole two weeks have been wonderful, so I'll get on to that later.

I hope I don't wake you up as I'm writing this. Having said that, I just made a hell of a racket getting out of bed and over here to the desk, so if that didn't wake you, nothing will! In fact, I'm looking over at you now, and you're fast asleep. You look very beautiful by the way, your hair is fanned out on my pillow and your mouth is curved up into this sweet little smile and if I didn't want to write this letter to you so damn much, believe me I would be right back there beside you as fast as these fancy new legs would carry me.

Right, before I get carried away with that particular thought, I'm going to get back to the writing, as there's so much I want to say to you and knowing Mom, she will have some eggs and bacon going only too soon and I know there's nothing like the smell of some good crispy bacon to wake you in the morning!

Seeing your face when you saw me standing there at the arrivals gate made all the work I've had to put into my rehab, all the pain, more than worth it. That smile nearly knocked me right back off my feet again, I swear. It was a good surprise, though, wasn't it? I have had to work pretty hard for it, but there's nothing like having a goal to work towards, and being ready for your visit was a fantastic incentive. Okay, I know it was slightly less effective when you came close enough to see the walking frame, but hey, I work hard, not work miracles!!

Having you come to my PT sessions with me has been an amazing boost as well. I know you understood the hard work, the good days/bad days thing, but I feel that now you've been there with me that you really… That there's nothing I can't tell you about it, about anything. It was a shame that the first session was one of the hard ones, but that's the way it goes.

I could see you trying not to cry when I fell over, and all I wanted to do was hold you right then. The falls don't hurt as much as they look like they do, or put it another way, I've fallen so many times that I don't feel the pain anymore. Watching you upset was far worse.

I don't want you to worry about that when you're back in Chicago. Yes, the PT is hard and there are bad days, but having you there helped me get through it so much better than just the thought of you does. I feel like I've come on in leaps and bounds – metaphorically more than literally, but I'm getting there on that one too! – since I've had you here to support me. Well, you can see the progress I've made. In these two weeks, I've hardly used the chair at all, and last Wednesday was the first time I've tried crutches rather than the walking frame. I can't say that I'm looking forward to having a session without you now I've gotten so used to you being there, but now I'm even more motivated, if that was possible, to get myself better so we can get on with our lives.

Wow, we've done so many things together these last two weeks I don't know where to start. It was great that you brought the CD with you, it was the perfect thing to listen to as we were driving around, even if that means I was subjected to an indecent amount of KC and the Sunshine Band! I liked the picnic day, I loved the time we drove down to the coast, I just had so much fun spending time with you. I don't think I've laughed so much in years.

I could talk for hours about all the good stuff, but hey, you were here too, I don't need to go through it all again, fun though it would be to relive the last two weeks day by day, but I'll save that for when you're gone. I'll sit out on the porch at sunset like we did every evening and watch the colours play in the sky and remember the way they reflected in your eyes and think about how perfect this time has been, but for now, there's the serious things to discuss.

The Big Move, as we christened it. Did we actually achieve anything more in all those times we talked about it than we did in the letters? I'm not sure we did! Not Baton Rouge, and not Chicago, even though both places now hold a lot of memories for us. I'm glad you agree with me about going somewhere new, I'm so excited about that. I see what you mean about London. When I came up with that one, I think my head was filled with too much good old British punk rock and didn't think about the practicalities of living in the same country, let alone the same city as your family. If you say you love them more from a distance, then that's fine, I'm good to go along with that. (Yes, I'm still petrified at the prospect of your father.) I quite liked Vegas, I thought that would be fun, but okay "Mom", that one's out. What's wrong with going to see a Celine Dion show every night? I thought you'd enjoy that?! Okay, I'm messing around now.

I was surprised you suggested L.A. but it would be great to be near Brett and Nick. I think that idea could definitely be a goer, and it looks like there's plenty of good residency spots available for both of us. One to think about. New York sounded all right, maybe Houston but I think I'm leaning towards L.A. at the moment. Not Miami. Imagine this – it's a Sunday morning, and for the first time in forever, neither of us have to work. I've been to the kitchen and got us both some coffee and a bowl of cereal each, and we settle down for a nice lazy day in bed (well, the entire day might not be lazy as such but you see where I'm going with this.) Then as we eat breakfast, we absent mindedly turn on the TV, only to be greeted by KERRY WEAVER. No thanks!!

Part of me though, thinks this is an opportunity to do something really exciting and new. Somewhere totally different, not the States. I don't know why I think that, I really don't, but how cool would Australia or New Zealand be? Even doing some stuff with Doctors Without Borders has crossed my mind, although our residencies mean that couldn't be a long term thing, and I don't know how practical that would be for me, but I'm tempted to ask Luka what he thinks about it. Obviously I'm a long way off being able to do something like that, but don't you think it would be exciting? I think it might help me as well, just to emphasise, in case I didn't get it already, how lucky I really am and how much I have to be thankful for. I know you were sceptical, but just don't discount it yet, there's plenty of time, a good year or so I should think, for you to consider it, and I'd never go anywhere without you, so I guess this is one to mull over some more.

Talking about my Dad and all that was exhausting. I mean, I'm glad I shared that with you and I feel so much better for it, but still, it was hard. I know Mom talked to you about it too. I'm not sure why, but that night you cooked (ha, it still amuses me that you actually cooked us food that a.) didn't poison us and b.) actually tasted like food) and I was out in the kitchen loading the dishwasher, I know she was telling you about it. I didn't overhear you or anything, I just… I don't know, I sensed it. I guess because he pulled another of his famous no-shows that it was bound to come up. I hope she didn't go making any excuses for him though. I don't need to know what she said by the way, I don't even particularly want to, I just… I'm glad she can talk to you about it. Between Dad and me, she never had time for friends, and I know she would have loved to have had a daughter so I love it that you get on well together.

I hope you had fun last night, well I know you did, because you kept saying so. You know, the band had a lot of gigs back in Chicago, just because they weren't especially in your honour you might have still had a good time if you'd shown up once in a while!! It was amazing to be playing again, and to be playing for you. You looked stunning by the way. All the time I was up there on the stage, I didn't take my eyes off you even for a second because I just couldn't. The way you danced, the way you looked in that black shirt, the way I could see your skin where you'd left the top couple of buttons undone, the way your hair fell around your shoulders, everything had me utterly transfixed. God, you were incredible. Every man in there was jealous of me, and I was as proud as hell of you. Proud to have a girlfriend like you.

I'm… God, this is awkward. I'm sorry the night didn't turn out the way you wanted, the way we both wanted. Because trust me, I really really wanted it to happen, I wanted you. I'm looking at you sleep now, and I still want you. I just… couldn't quite go the whole way. Not yet. I have no idea why, I just know I'm not ready for that yet. It's not you, I guess I'm just still a little scared. I don't trust my body enough yet to let go like that, not even with you, but I know now I will be able to in time. Next time.

Okay, for the next part, make sure whoever you're sitting next to isn't looking over your shoulder right now, and try not to blush too much. Finally being allowed to hold you in my arms, to be able to kiss you and touch you and feel your body lying next to me was more than I had ever hoped for though, and it was phenomenal. Feeling your skin on my skin, so soft and smelling so fabulously of you was just… The way you kissed me – everywhere – blew my mind. The way all I had to do was barely touch you and you cried out my name. The way… My God, I'm going to have to stop just thinking about it. I hope you're a little hot and flustered yourself right now!

I know you have rules about what can be committed to paper in these letters and what can't, and that that just broke pretty much all of them, but I am trying to make a point here. I know we didn't actually make love (and I've never called it that before – that's how special you are!) but sharing those intimate things with you, being able to savour your body in reality rather than just my dreams was maybe the most important part of the healing process that I've gone through so far. It… wiped the slate clean. Everything that happened in Chicago I can truly let go now, because I know that however awful it was at the time, it has led us to this point, and I can't think of anywhere I want to be more.

There, I said this was going to be a long letter, but I think I have just about reached the end now. I'll be fit enough by Christmas to come to Chicago so if the invite for me and Mom still stands, then we would love to accept. It was touching for you to ask her as well, and I know she appreciated it. I do too. And I can't wait to see you then. How I'm going to get through the next three and a half months without seeing you is beyond me, but still, I'm sure the time will go quickly.

Let me know how everyone at County reacts when you tell them about us. Say that I'm doing well, and that I'll be in Chicago for Christmas and will stop by to see them all then.

So much love,

Ray

PS. I know I haven't talked about the most important thing you said to me, but I'm still overwhelmed by it, even though it was almost the very first thing you said and that you've told me a thousand times a day since then. I understand completely that you wanted to say it to me for the first time in person, and I'm so glad that you did. To hear those words coming from your lips was… I can't find words to describe how that made me feel. All I can say is that I love you more than I knew it was possible to love someone, and I always will, and now you've said the same to me, I could die right this second a happy man. I hope I won't – there's so much left to enjoy with you – but I could.

PPS. I hope this was a better read than the journal!