Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews (particularly the pointing out of the typo - grammar and spelling I can do but spotting my own typos? Not a chance!) I'm glad you all seemed to enjoy the last chapter, and this is the equivalent from Neela. As always, please let me know your thoughts.

Somewhere in the US airspace, probably over southern Illinois

8th September 2007

To my beloved Ray

Oh Ray, oh I don't know what to say. Yes, of course I found the letter, and it was wonderful; I'm going to keep it forever. Before I say anything else, there's just something I have to write. I've wanted to put it in every single letter I've written to you, but I knew it was right to wait until I saw you. But now…

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

You get the picture right?

Having the opportunity to say those words to you was not only the greatest honour I have ever experienced but as I was saying them, I got this intangible feeling that every single little thing in my life so far was part of a journey that led me inexorably closer and closer to that moment there with you. I got the same feeling the night in the car back in Chicago, and at the wedding before Hope interrupted us, but when I told you I loved you, I knew that that was the moment, the one moment that I've been waiting for forever.

Seeing you standing – standing! – at the gate waiting for me was incredible. I think my legs almost gave away at the sight of your smile right then. I was looking out for your Mum, I thought maybe you might be in the car or if you had made it to the gate, that you'd be in your chair, but… It was the best welcome, the best surprise you could possibly have given me. And I was so bloody proud of you as well. I know how much effort you must have put in to your recovery to be able to do that in just over four months, and I also know how exhausted you were that evening, even though you did your best to hide it, so I just want to say thank you, so much, and to let you know I appreciate the full worth of the gesture, and love that you wanted to do it for me. And love you for doing it.

I know I'm going to get carried away with pretty much everything I say to you in this letter, so I'll say now – please thank your Mum for her hospitality. It was very kind of her to have me to stay for a whole fortnight, and extremely kind of her not to accept any money; I really didn't expect to stay and pay nothing for food and all that. Tell her I'm letting her get away with it only because I'm going to make up for it at Christmas. I wish we could do something for Thanksgiving too, but there's no chance of me being able to get both holidays off, so I'll plump for Christmas.

You're right, at times I did find it incredibly difficult to watch your PT sessions; it was very hard to have to stand there and watch you fall, not help you or catch you. And it hurt, a lot, to see you hurting, but at the same time, I'm so moved that you wanted to share such a personal journey with me. It was remarkable to see you actually be able to walk and to be honest, that was just as likely to make me cry as the falling over did.

I have to admit, after that first session, I was petrified that they were all going to be like that and that I was going to have to see your face contort with pain and anger every single day. Your Mum was a great help with that. I think she must have sensed when we came back that day that it had been one of the bad ones and when you went to lie down she told me that even though some of the time watching you in those sessions gave her the feeling that her heart was in a vice, most of the time it made her heart fill with pride and love and respect and after two weeks experiencing that with you, I know exactly what she means and I feel the same.

The Big Move. I don't know, I really don't. L.A., New York, Houston, I'd be happy with all of those. When this all becomes public, I'm sure Dubenko would be happy to help us find some good positions; he has a lot of connections and if I was to ask him, he would at the least get us some names and numbers to call. I'm glad you're not going to fight me on London, I'm sorry, but you understand. For me, that would represent a backwards step in my life and all I want to do is look to the future with you. And we're not even discussing Vegas anymore. I'm not living in Las Vegas.

Your emigration idea… well, it daunts me more than anything else. I've already done that once, and although it brought me to you, I can't deny it wasn't very, very lonely for a lot of the time. I don't think you really appreciate how far away another continent really is, well, how can you? Plus you're the type that makes friends easily, settles wherever, instantly accepted and I'm just not. I always find it difficult. It's taken me years to truly make friends in the States and I'm not sure I can bring myself to start over again, even with you by my side.

Maybe we could compromise? Canada? British Columbia is meant to be very beautiful, and I'm sure a city the size of Vancouver would have plenty of hospitals, plenty of vacancies. I'm not sure how our residencies would transfer into a move to a different country though – I guess it's something we'll have to look into.

I guess the Doctors Without Borders work is another form of compromise. I'll be frank on that one – it terrifies me beyond words. There are some dangerous places in the world and the thought of something happening to you… my heart literally stops for a second, and my blood feels like its turning to ice in my veins. On my first day in the ER at County, I took a call from Africa to say Luka was dead. Of course, it turned out to be wrong, but at the time I didn't know who he was, why he was in Africa, why my new colleagues should care, but to see their faces, to see Abby's face. I'll never forget. I don't want that to be you. I can't live without you Ray, and I never want to have to try. I know it's something we could do together, experience together, and in many ways I can see the attractions of it, but I can't help thinking about what may go wrong. Remember, you're the brave one, I'm not much of a risktaker. I don't want to stamp on your dreams, but I'm going to take some convincing about this one.

I'll make a confession now. I don't sleep well anymore – night shifts combined with too much coffee and too many thoughts to mull over these days – and every night I would lie awake and watch you sleep. Some nights, the moon would angle in and illuminate your face, ghostly pale but so beautiful and I would almost cry with gratitude at how lucky I am to be with someone as inspirational, fabulous and loving as you are. Sometimes, I would lean over and kiss your forehead and you would smile in your sleep.

I don't mind that we didn't… You know. Sorry, I'm being shy. Just being able to feel your arms around me was enough for now, I'd never want to rush you into anything that you didn't feel up to yet. And when it does happen, it will be even more special for it. Just so you know though, I can't wait. When I felt your hot breath on the side of my neck, your arms wrapped around my body, pulling me so close to you, I could barely breathe with need for you. The way you kissed me – everywhere – oh Ray, do you have any idea what you do to me?

The gig was a fantastic surprise, and it was such a fun night, great to spend time with Brett and Nick again (God, did I really just admit that?) I must say, I was a bag of nerves when you told me to meet you at the bar but it turned out to be a brilliant night, and the best send off for me that you could possibly have planned. Apart from your CD, I've never been serenaded before, it made me feel… well, pretty embarrassed to begin with to be honest, but amazing. I can't believe your music used to bug me so much; you guys are actually not too bad at all, are you? I also absolutely cannot believe you made them sing Brown Eyed Girl. You had to pay them a hell of a lot for that, right?

Seeing you standing up there on that stage was incredible Ray. I can't believe you managed to stay on your feet for over an hour, I'm so, so proud of you. I was so proud that you could stand up there, just like you were always able to before, after everything that you have been through, and be as full of life as always. When you left Chicago, you were hurt and broken, and I had done that to you, and last night you were able to stand in front of a room full of people and sing about love as if you truly believed in it. I felt pride, respect, guilt, atonement, love… A thousand million things that I can't even put into words, let alone on paper. I may never be able to find those words, but I swear to you Ray, every day for the rest of my life, I'll show you how I feel about you.

When your Mum talked to me about your Dad, I think it was one of the most moving things during my entire trip, and that's saying a lot. That she trusted me, and felt comfortable with me to talk to me about something so personal to her… Again, I don't know what to say. If you don't want to know what we spoke about, then that's fine, just let me say that I think both you and your mother are incredible, strong people for whom I have infinite respect, and I feel honoured to know you both.

There, that's all the big things I wanted to talk about. I think the reason this trip has been so special, so wonderful, is all the little things that we've done together as well. Like the time we went for the picnic in the park, and you showed me where you sit and read my letters, and you accidentally hit that poor woman with the champagne cork. And the other night, when the guys from the band were over and we had the barbeque and more beer than I think I have ever, ever drunk – I thought your Mum was going to go mad when Nick puked on her rosebed. Going on all those drives along those remote and empty roads (and as I wrote the rules about what can and cannot be committed to paper, I'm not going to go over what happened in that car park, although, modest though I am, I'm sure you haven't forgotten - !) I just loved the evenings as well, dinner and chatting with your Mum, lots of World Poker Tour on the television. I loved sitting on the porch as the sun was setting most of all, it was probably the most beautiful view I've ever seen. Waking up next to you every morning was just amazing – feeling your breath on my neck and your smile being the first thing I saw each day. I want your smile to be the first thing I see each day forever.

Ray, these last two weeks have been the best time of my life, and I don't honestly know how I am going to get through until Christmas without seeing you again. If at any point I manage to get two or three days off consecutively (unlikely I know!) then I'll be on a plane. I've never felt so happy and settled, and… whole before. I can, for the first time ever, see my future stretching ahead of me, and you're in it, and there are our children in it, and good careers, and I'm looking forward to it so much. I can't wait for it all to happen. I love you more than I knew it was possible to love another person, and I will forever.

It… I don't want to put a dampener on the mood but I feel I have to say this. It wasn't like this when I was with Michael. He was the sort of person that I'd always imagined myself marrying, and we did love each other, or at least, I thought we did, but at the end of the day, neither of us was willing to give up our own ideals for each other, and that's not a marriage. His willingness to leave, my anger at him putting his dreams before me. Not that I resented him that as such, but I gave up the thing that meant most to me in the world for him (that's you, by the way, in case you couldn't figure that one out), and when he went back to Iraq, I realised he wasn't prepared to make the same sacrifice for me. Once I realised that, I think it was always doomed. It was desperately, terribly sad that it ended the way it did, but it was always going to end somehow, and although I will always grieve for Michael as a friend, I think I've stopped grieving for him as a husband.

Sorry, on to happier things. I'm looking forward to telling everyone about it. It's a shame we won't be able to tell them together but this is too big a thing to keep quiet now. You're the most important person in my life and I want everyone to know that. I'll let you know what everyone says, I'm sure some of them will want to call you.

Oh, we're just starting our descent so I'd better stop writing for now. I feel that there's so many more things I need to say to you, but my mind is blank, well, it's not blank, it's full of thoughts of you and I think I've already proved that I'm not the best at putting this on paper. Instead of rambling, I will keep it to thank you, for such a wonderful, fabulous two weeks, especially last night, and thank your Mum for her hospitality. Know that I will be thinking of you, every moment of every day, and counting the hours until I see you again.

All my love,

Neela xxx