Disclaimer: As before
Author's Note: I can't believe how long it's been since I last updated this story. All I can do is offer you my apologies that I disappeared for so long and a new chapter as a form of recompense. Thank you for the reviews last time round – more please? This probably isn't the best chapter I've ever written, but I wanted to get back in the groove again, and there's nothing to cure writers' block like just writing. And for those of you who kindly have me on author alert and were wondering what the hell I was doing posting a Grey's Anatomy story, well, I have a new TV addiction, but I won't be abandoning my old one – hence why I thought it was time for an update!
Chicago
22nd September 2007
Dear Ray
Hey my love, how are you? How's things going? I had a great surgery today, I got in on a heart and lung transplant, which was amazing. Absolutely gruelling of course, it went on for hours, but fascinating. And best of all, when I left the hospital at the end of my shift, the patient was in recovery and doing well.
I miss being able to share all the little parts of my day with you. I know we have these letters, and I think my phone bill is going to be monstrous this month, but it's not the same as being able to dash across to the roach coach and grab a coffee with you or share a beer with you of an evening. But hey, I've only got to wait til Christmas, right? It seems so far away, but actually you'll be here three months today so I should stop moping and get on with the rest of this letter, shouldn't I?
Anyway, I was going to write about the telling everyone bit. I had no idea how to go about it, whether to sort of announce it, or let Morris start the gossip ball rolling, which I know he has been dying to do or what. So I asked Pratt what he thought and his advice didn't seem like the worst so I went out and bought coffees and doughnuts all round and stuck them on the admit desk. Predictably, it was like bees round a honeypot – those guys can smell free food a mile off – so as soon as enough people appeared out of the woodwork, I just blurted out where I'd been and that we were together and…
God, it was such a relief. I mean, to have it all out in the open and to be able to share it. Everyone was so excited and happy for us Ray, everyone. There wasn't one bad word from anyone. Fortunately Katey wasn't there when I made my little announcement, else there might have been! But in all seriousness, I didn't realise people cared so much, and not in a nosy, gossipy way. Just, pleased for us.
And, I have to say, an astonishing number of them had money on it! Frank was running a book, has been for three years apparently. I can't decide whether to be offended or amused but I think given that the real winner in all this is me I'll settle on the side of amused. Plus Chuny won the pot and we all went to Ike's on the winnings and got slaughtered so I'm not going to complain.
I wish I was back there with you though. I've never felt as at home anywhere as with you and your Mum. And if I was there after your PT sessions, you wouldn't be needing any hot baths to ease the pain, it would be massages all the way, I promise!
It was interesting to hear what you said about Chicago, how you felt about coming back. It surprised me, but I'm glad that you're thinking about it. I think we need a new start too, but I think you need to make your peace with Chicago before we can move on. I need to as well, but I think I'm getting there. I can walk down the street, walk through the corridors of the hospital – I even walked down the street where our apartment was on – and not hate the place, hate my life here, hate myself.
I can now see Chicago as being a place which changed me utterly, made me stronger, and most important of all, gave me you. How could I ever hate something that gave me you? The answer is, I couldn't, and that's how I think I've made my peace. I know you have a much bigger peace to make than I have, but it's here, you'll find it, I know you're strong enough to.
For what it's worth, I pretended too. I wasn't pretending to love Michael, but I was pretending that everything was okay. I was pretending that I didn't feel anything for you. I was pretending that burying my head in the sand was going to be the magical solution to my problems. I was pretending when I pushed you away. But no more pretending, not ever again. I love you Ray. And that's my peace.
I know I'm signing off on a much shorter letter than I normally manage, but I'm starting an ortho rotation next week (yeah, should be interesting, don't you think?) and I want to do some reading up on it. I have no idea what surgical speciality I want to aim at, or even if I want one – I'm more than happy with general surgery at the moment – but I want to impress as much as I can on every rotation just in case.
Send your Mum my love, and take care of yourself. Call me anytime.
All my love,
Neela xxx