Author's Note: I'm sorry it's been so, so long since I last updated this story. I never meant to leave it on such a hiatus, but after the last chapter, I suddenly found there was nothing else for them to write to each other in these letters. Of course, there is in a way, but they seem to have journeyed together through their writing and worked through what they needed to say to each other, so instead of dragging things out, I'm going to leave them on the cusp of planning to spend their first Christmas together. This is the last letter, and I've had it planned from the very beginning so I thought it would be a shame for you not to see it.
Disclaimer: As before. The poem, as I am sure you will all know, is the one used in "I Don't" and is by EE Cummings.
Our Kitchen (New York)
24th May 2014
To My Darling Ray
Yes, I know, a letter. God, it's been a long time since I've written one. Do you remember when you were in Baton Rouge and I was in Chicago and we used to write to each other all the time? I was clearing out the cupboard in the spare room earlier and I found them all in an old shoebox and it reminded me of the way I used to feel when I saw an envelope with your handwriting on it lying on the doormat… Like… a warm feeling spreading all the way through me, no matter how cold it was outside. Oh, and I couldn't stop smiling either.
After I sent a letter, I used to wonder how long I would have to wait for you to reply, and I would rush home from work just so I could check my post. I was so lost; hearing from you was the only thing that kept me connected to the real world I think.
So anyway, I started thinking about it, and I thought of all the things back then that we needed to say but found it too hard to vocalise and so we wrote them down instead. Well, we've come such a very long way since then but that's given me a whole new set of things that I need to say to you.
There have been a lot of times in my life that I have been unsure of myself, of who I was or what I was doing or where I was going; in fact, I think I was never sure of myself, until I was with you. You made me sure of myself. I know there were times, that we have talked about over and over, when I didn't act like I was sure, but deep down, I always knew. You are the one for me. You make me happier than I knew was even possible. Every day I wake up and am thankful that we are together.
It's been hard though, hasn't it? That first Christmas, when you came to visit, I don't… I was so scared that we weren't going to make it, that all the hurt and pain and loss were going to be in vain. The arguments… Looking back, I suppose they were inevitable, we were two different people than we had been before and we had to discover and adapt to new things, things that were very different than they had been before. We had to work hard, but it was worth it.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I admire you for what you've achieved. I know how many long and painful hours and years of rehab, PT, exercise it has taken for you to walk again. I know what it has cost you, physically, emotionally. Just in case I don't say it often enough, I am so, so proud of you. You're my hero, my inspiration, my everything.
I'm glad we decided on New York, I love it here (and now Abby and Luka are up in Boston, it couldn't be better). I never thought I could feel as at home anywhere as I ended up feeling at County, but I was wrong. Home for me is you, and always will be. Wherever you are, that's where I want to be also. And as for this city, well, it's exciting and even though we've been living here for five years now, I still feel like there is more to discover, explore, enjoy. Like us.
I don't know what else I can say to you that can let you know just how much you mean to me. I love you Ray, I've loved you since before I met you, and I'll carry on loving you until long after I die. I was never sure I believed in soul mates, but knowing you, loving you, has proved to me otherwise. You make me whole. To steal Abby's words from a fateful night many years ago now, I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart… For you are my fate my sweet, I want no world, for beautiful, you are my world… I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.
Damn, I wanted to write so much more but the twins are fighting and they've set Maddie off crying – I'd better go to her.
I can't wait for you to come home from your shift and find this letter, then walk through the house until you find me. I'll be in the nursery, sitting by the crib. I can't wait for you to stop in the doorway and smile that beautiful smile of yours. I cannot wait for you to walk over to me and to offer me your hand and gently help me to my feet. We will dance, slowly, softly, sweetly, to the sound of Maddie's mobile as it turns above her crib. And I can't wait for when you lead me through to our bedroom and light a candle, and make love to me all night in its golden glow.
I can't wait for the rest of our lives together, for the birthdays and anniversaries that are yet to come. To see our children grow up, graduate, marry. To grow old with you. I can't wait for all of it.
With all the love that I have in the world
Your wife,
Neela x