--
I do not know who called for me, but I heard my name.
There are voices, everywhere! I think I know the voice, but I cannot be sure anymore.
The Voice! I remember the Voice! He came down from Heaven to sing with me. Think of it! Out of all the people who could have possibly chosen, he chose me!
I cannot remember if I have sung with him lately. I feel as though I have heard him recently, but I cannot remember our last lesson. Did I forget? Was I very, very late? Oh, goodness! He will be terribly angry with me!
He will be terribly angry with me!
I cannot really remember him ever growing very angry with me, but at the same time, I felt as though he had yelled at me before… like he had been angry with me. Angels did not grow angry, did they? I couldn't remember. Perhaps they did…
I feel so strange, as though I cannot see what is in front of me. My body feels ridiculously cool, and I want to pull the blankets over me. Why does my head feel so foggy?
"Christine?"
Yes, that is me. Who is calling me?
"Christine!"
I sit up, and I still feel as though something is over my eyes.
But the hands! The hands that reach out and touch me are colder than ice, and I scream and pull away.
My eyes are open now, and I can see. I am in a little room by the fire, listening to violin. Papa is in the corner, playing for me! His eyes crinkle with a smile and he gestures me over so I can sit at his knee and listen. I struggle to sit up, but invisible hands are holding me down. I scream and reach out for Papa, but Papa thinks I am not coming, and Papa leaves…
"Where did you go? Come back, Papa! Come back!"
I wish he would come back. I feel comforted, for I know he will send me an angel now that he is gone. I look around the room expectantly, but no angel appears. I lean in towards the fire, but it is producing no warmth. I shake in terror. There is a noise outside! Someone is trying to get in!
I almost laugh in relief. I am simply with Mama Valerius, and it is Raoul! Raoul has come for me. How sweet of him! I laugh and put my arms out to him, and he catches me and swings me around.
Yet, it makes me dizzy, and I ask him to stop… Please stop, Raoul… Why isn't he stopping?
I scream again, and throw myself into the arms of the first person I can find.
He is still and firm, not swinging me, not making me dizzy. He supports me with his arms, and I feel stable, until I can look up into his face.
"You saved me." I whisper dramatically. The man clutching me has a funny face—oh, he is ugly!—but at least he is still. I was getting so dizzy and sick.
"Christine, please…"
The man is pushing me away from him—does he want to drop me? I will fall if he releases me! I grab his collar and pull at it, my fingers locked in a vice-like grip around the base of his neck. I scream again, and it suddenly occurs to me that Erik will be so unhappy that I am ruining my voice.
If only the Voice was here… he would tell me what to do.
Or even Erik… where is Erik?
Erik is holding me, of course. How could I have forgotten? I nuzzle into him, ignoring the opera below me. I wish he would kiss me again.
Below me? The opera is below me!
The rafter swings dangerously, and I thrash upwards, reaching towards the mask above me. There is no mask, there is only Erik, and he is not catching me! I told him I would fall, and he did not believe me!
What was I lying on? Was it rocks? I go from one side to the other, trying to find a place that is comfortable for me. I feel so cold and my body aches. What was happening to me? Why wasn't Erik waking me up?
I press my little fists into my eyes and whine. I don't like this, not at all.
"Sing to me," I whisper drowsily, and I can only hope that he hears me throughout the loud noise in my head.
But I am angry that he will not kiss me! I asked him to kiss me, damnit, and he wouldn't! He refused! I pull at him, grasping at his hands so he will look at me.
The strange veil covers my eyes again and I go limp and lay back.
"Christine, you must stop moving."
What does the Voice mean? I am laying in bed, listening to him. I am doing everything he told me to. Everything!
I always listened to the Voice, you see. I had been so alone, and felt so abandoned by Papa. I couldn't just sit and do nothing, but that was exactly what I was doing. I hadn't wanted to try anymore. If Papa couldn't be bothered in Heaven, then there was no way God himself would bother with me—would send me an angel! I was such a mournful little girl, and all I had wanted was everything to stay the same. I am so very frightened of change. If only everything could stay the way it had already been planned, then I could be happy. I had wanted Papa because I knew Papa was always going to be there; I wanted Raoul because he was a part of Papa, a promise that I could go back to the world I had never wanted to leave.
I want Erik. I want to wake up and be in his dark house forever, with nothing unchanged. Why would I possibly want to move away? That is silly. Underground is my home, and the only home I want. Above ground, everything would be so different, so utterly strange from what I have accustomed myself to here.
I thought I had received that angel… until I realized it was only Erik.
Only Erik.
I had cried, because I had been so foolish, thinking Papa had really sent me an angel.
I realized later that Papa had sent me an angel. He had sent me Erik.
Where was Erik? I thought he was holding onto me. Why would he leave me like this?
"Erik, don't leave me!" I cry, and I flail around, trying to find his shape in the darkness. He is not there. He is gone. I have been foolish in the end. Erik has left me because I never showed him how much I loved him. He had left thinking that I did not care.
I grow angry. Why would Erik leave me when I was so very sick? He said I was going to die! Am I dead? Have I gone on without Erik? But this is not Heaven. Heaven does not have pain like this.
How peculiar… I can feel his hands and hear his voice, but he is not there. There is no one in my dressing room. I cross over to my vanity, but someone is still dragging behind me, holding my arms down at my side; the hands feel warm and sweaty, until I realize that it is my skin… but I am still so cold, and I want to sleep.
"I want to sleep." I tell the ceiling above me. "I just want to close my eyes and not see anything."
"Close your eyes, then."
I look around, but no one is there. I look around for Raoul… I have the strangest sensation that he should be here, but I do not want him here… not when he made me so dizzy.
"If I close my eyes, will you still be here?" I ask of Erik. Suddenly, I can see him, settled right next to me, his hands clasped around my own.
"Your Erik will always be here." he says, and his voice sounds smooth and unconcerned. I recall that it had once sounded desperate… Had he said something about death? Right now, his voice was pure sympathy, gentle and cool against my cheek.
I watch him as he looks down at me, his yellow eyes twinkling oddly. I thought I had been asleep, but I wasn't sure anymore… all I see is the angel above me with two, dark wings…
"Erik?" I say. "Are you an angel?"
All I can see is the dark side of my eyelids, but I think he answers.
But I cannot hear.
"That is alright if you're not." I assure him. "I love you how you are."
He says something again. I wonder what Erik did with the Voice… I had been so sure that they had both been in here together a few minutes ago.
Maybe I have gone insane! Erik has had me locked in this room for so long, because I am not a good wife, and now I have gone insane! Do insane people know they are insane? Perhaps this is why I cannot see some things, why I hear so many different voices.
Silly me. I am sick. I wish I wasn't sick.
I don't like being sick. Why am I so sick?
I am almost feeling better… this room is not so cold anymore, and when I inhale, I can hear a clean sound. Oh, thank you! Now I will be able to sing again, and Erik will not be so angry.
"Angel?" I ask. "Am I almost better?"
The Angel leans over me and kisses me, and his face is beautiful, with sparkling golden eyes. "Almost all better." he says, and I know he is my Voice, come to take care of me.
--