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I wake up one night and cry out. There is a sensation that there is something very heavy on top of my stomach, pressing into me. I roll over instantly and drop my feet over the edge of the bed, sitting still for a moment, my breathing a little ragged at the violent awakening. Erik appears in the doorway, looking for the cause of the cry I just uttered. I look at him briefly so he knows I am not injured.

I feel like something is wrong. When I try to stand, I feel strange. I look down at my nightgown, which is feeling unusually heavy. My mouth falls open as I reach out and touch the red liquid seeping through the material.

"I'm bleeding…" I say in shock.

Erik moves too fast for my eyes to catch, but I am suddenly wrapped in a blanket, in his arms, and out the door before I can focus on him.

I think I pass out.

The October air chills me, and I rouse my head in Erik's arms. He does not spare a glance for me, but walks determinedly in the direction of the midwife's house. He should not know where it is… he has never come with me the two times I visited her. Strange enough, the fact that he surely had been following me does not upset me; in this situation, is makes me downright thankful.

As soon as we get to the doorstep, he hesitates. I can see that he does not want to be seen or involved in this in any way. In his eyes, I can see him begging for freedom, and I do not fault him for it. Instead, I say, "Please…"

Without knocking, he pushes open the door with one fist and puts me on the first chair he can find. My stomach is cramping, but I remain quiet and upright. He gives me one last look, and I can see that he is terrified. Then he disappears.

Inside, I am trembling with fear.

What is happening to me?

Perhaps I am so attuned to my senses that I can hear Erik as if he is whispering in my ear; all I know is that I can hear him, and he is not just my Erik anymore. He has changed into different being, a hypotonic voice that can rise anyone from their slumber.

"You must wake up… you must save a woman and her child… she needs you…"

I can hear the woman arising, and Erik appears at my side before he can be seen. "Don't leave me!" I beg, and he crosses over and touches my hair.

"Erik is not leaving," he says. "Erik is always with you. But now you must be still."

And then he is gone.

Madame Peluieu is rushing out in her dressing gown. Her eyes fall on me.

"What a strange dream!" she cries in alarm. "God be praised I woke!" She doesn't seem concerned that I have somehow gotten into her house undetected in the dead of night. She has a purpose and she will fulfill it.

"Up, now, I must take you into the side bedroom…"

With unusual strength, she pulls me up with two hands and half-drags, half-carries me into the room. It is a tiny room, which I realize instantly is designed for the purpose of childbirth. Stripping back the sheets, she lays me down and pulls off the blanket. Her face darkens.

"Oh dear," she murmurs. "Oh…"

In my blind panic, I am not registering anything that is happening around me. She leaves me for a moment, and it frightens me. Shadows are flashing before my eyes, and I can see Erik leaving me, while she leaves me alone to suffer.

When I scream, she comes back in with a younger woman, who fetches water and other necessities.

I wail.

There is a terrible, terrible pressure in my abdomen that I cannot ever describe. Each time I inhale, there is a pain that shoots down my stomach and through my legs.

"I don't understand…" I moan. "Why is this happening?"

She answers, and I still don't hear her. Too much is going on for me to think properly.

Where did Erik go? Why did he leave? I asked him not to, and he left anyway… he did not listen to me. He left when I was calling for him…

But Erik always here's me when I call.

"Erik will hear me whenever I call for him. He told me so. He is a very curious genius. You must not think that he is simply a man who amuses himself by living underground. He does things that no other man could do; he knows things which nobody in the world knows."

"Erik!" I call out, but my throat is cracked, and my voice is garbled.

I know I must be silent… Erik will not like it at all if I hurt my voice in a time like this.

You silly girl…! Erik could care less about your voice in a time like this!

How interesting… my subconscious sounds quite a lot like my angel…

Madame Peluieu puts her hands on my cheek.

"This is not going the way it should." she suddenly says gently. "But I need you to do what I tell you."

"Push?" I ask blankly

She shakes her head, and I scream.

The pressure is unbearable, and I hear the midwife say to the other, "Something is stuck."

I yell in frustration, and the younger girl comes over and puts a warm hand on my head. "I know…"

Time passes.

It is like being sick all over again.

My body is blocking out anything that could bother me: voices, movements, pain.

But every time I scream, it's as if it violently jerks me back to reality. Madame Peluieu will tell me to do something, and I'll oblige however I can. Sometimes she would move me, and other times she would ask me to stay very still.

I suppose it really was not that long. It could have been only a few minutes, or several hours.

"The cord," Madame Peluieu kept saying. "Watch the cord."

I struggle against everything that is welling up inside of me, until I scream some more.

The midwife does not ask me to stop or tell me to hush—she lets me scream and brings me water when she thinks I need it. But in my mind, I am not screaming because of the pain.

I am screaming because Erik is not here.

And I want him here.

I cried his name over and over again in a frenzied manner, thrashing about as if I could reach out and touch him. I asked Madame Peluieu to close the windows, but she never did; I took to staring out the window, willing myself to believe that Erik was right behind it, watching me as I suffered for his child.

But I knew the real reason was not selfish or unfeeling—my Erik must be terrified. I saw it in his eyes, and I know if to be true. To have him near me would cause him immeasurable pain, and that is not what I want. But I am selfish, and I don't care how much I upset Erik, so long as he can be here, beside me.

I know my poor Erik. And in my heart, I do not want him here. I want him far away, where he cannot hear my screams.

Each scream will surely break him... I know this and I still wish for him! I am cruel and undeserving!

"The cord… I knew it was the cord!"

Again, there is the pain, and again, I call for Erik in my anguish.

And this time, I know he has come.

I can sense him first, through the open window. And then I know he is beside my bed.

It seems silly to think that he would come now, after all this time… but I know the end is coming. Is it me who will die, or my innocent child? I want Erik to be here, to hold my hand no matter what course Fate chooses for me.

He cannot be seen. The bed is the corner and he is in the shadowy tuck-away between the table and window. I reach for him, and his shaking hand touches mine. All I can see are his golden eyes.

"Erik's fault." he whispers. "Erik's fault."

"Don't…" I whisper, but I haven't the courage to say anything else to him. I will not scream in front of him, but I release a low whimper, and he cringes.

"Careful, now…! Keep her still, keep her still. Child, listen to me! Listen!"

I cannot listen because I am screaming again and Erik's hand has been pulled out of mine so I am grasping and writhing in the air.

"Erik's fault!"

"No! Be quiet!"

I wish for silence! That's all I want... all I need...

There is a horrible wailing noise, and it's coming from me! I cannot quiet myself, I cannot calm myself. Erik's eyes reappear and he puts one finger on the corner of my mouth. He reaches to my eye and wipes a tear.

"Christine, listen to what I am saying! Girl, you must hold still!"

"Erik's fault, Erik's fault—"

His tone is simply sad.

"Erik's fault, Erik's fault!"

"Listen!"

"Erik's fault--"

But I cannot listen, I cannot hold still because she cannot hear what I am hearing! Erik's voice is crashing in my ears, almost like a chant, over and over again, "Erik's fault, Erik's fault!" while I scream and scream and scream.

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