Ch. 22

"So, why are we here again?"

"For the last time, Naruto, WE DON'T KNOW." Ino snapped. "Yuuko-san didn't tell us our mission before we left, just handed us this thing and sent us off." She held out a palm-sized silver disk. "We don't even know what this thing is!"

"Here. Let me look at it." Ed held out one hand, and Ino placed the object in it. Ed turned it over in his hands and studied it for a minute. It was polished mirror-bright and had green and pearly-blue cabochons set around its edge. Ghost-like lights flickered over its surface briefly, and then faded.

Ed shrugged. "Well, it's obviously a mirror of some kind. And knowing Ms. Yuuko, it's probably magical. The main body of it is silver, but the front has been brushed with mercury. Mercury, by the way, is also called quicksilver and is supposed to be liquid at room temperature. How she got it to stay flat and still, I don't know, and I doubt I ever will, but she did. Also, the jewels around the edge are beryl and moonstone. They're very common, and easy to find. If it weren't for the magical qualities this mirror most likely has, it would be just a trinket."

He tossed it over to Negi, who caught it. "Hey, Negi, what can you figure out about its magic?

Negi studied it, and then replied uncertainly. "Not much, I'm afraid. I can't use my magic here for some reason, so I can't be sure, but I think it's similar to the Darkling Sphere."

"The what?"

"That little marble I gave Nami-san in the world of One Piece. It's a device for inter-dimensional information transference, but I have no idea how it actually works or what it specifically does. This seems to be similar, but it's not exactly the same, and I really can't say with any certainty what it does either. Sorry." He tossed it back to Ed when the older boy held his hand out for it.

"Don't worry about it." Ed stuffed the mirror in his pocket. "We'll just have to figure it out later. For now, we need to figure out where the hell we are, and where the hell we're going."

"Well, duh." Naruto said. "We are in the middle of a jungle, in some weird world called Xanth, completely lost. We're going wherever we need to, to get out of this jungle."

"As loathe as I am to admit it, Naruto's right." Ino said. "Even if we don't know where 'here' is, we still need to get out of 'here.'"

"Ugh. True." Ed rubbed his head thoughtfully. "Naruto, why don't you and Ino run up these massive trees and see if you can't find an end to this forest. I'll see if I can't figure out anything from down here."

"Sure." Naruto and Ino both nodded before turning and running up two nearby trees. Or trying to. The minute their feet left the ground and contacted the bark, they fell flat on their backs.

"Oof!" Naruto exclaimed. "What the hell? Why can't we run up the stupid trees?"

"I can understand why Naruto would fail. I mean, he's got horrible chakra control…" Ino began.

"I'm not that bad, Ino!" Naruto yelled. "I can run up trees just fine! It just didn't work this time!"

"…but I couldn't do it either! There must be something wrong here." Ino finished.

"I know! It's the trees! They repel chakra or something!"

"Don't be stupid!" Ino snapped. "Oh wait, too late…"

"Shut up, Ino!"

"Make me, idiot!"

"Bitch!"

"Loser!"

"Wannabe pretty-girl!"

"Moron!"

"Anorexic freak!"

"You don't even know what 'anorexic' means, retard!"

"So? You're a double-retard!"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT IT!" Ed roared.

They cowered before his fury.

"It's not the trees, Naruto." Ed continued in a calmer tone. "We know Negi's magic is messed up here; maybe you guy's chakra is screwed up too. Don't you have a way to check that?"

"Not direc-"

"Sure!" Naruto grinned, interrupting Ino. He held out one hand and concentrated, an intense look on his face. Nothing happened. "Crap, I can't make a Rasengan, so no chakra for me. Which means no chakra for Ino either." He sneered at her. "And that is why I am better than you. Because I can do a chakra-check."

"Ooh, so impressive." Ino rolled her eyes.

"Well, if you can't use chakra, just climb the trees like you normally would." Ed inserted impatiently. "Bickering isn't going to do anything."

"Says the guy who argues constantly!" The kunoichi retorted snippily.

"I don't argue; I just pound my offender to a pulp." Ed replied. "Which is what I will do to you two if you don't get your asses up a tree right now!!"

"Going, going!" Naruto and Ino turned back to their trees and, leaping into the lowest branches, climbed/jumped their way quickly to the tops.

"What should I do?" Negi asked anxiously.

"I dunno." Ed replied shortly. "Unless you can find someone to ask about the way out of here, you're pretty much useless."

"Oh…"

Ed looked over to see that Negi was hanging his head despondently. "Oh for-! Stop looking all depressed!" he snapped. "You want a job? Here's a job. Try to see what you can figure out from the foliage, alright? I'm doing the same with the ground and geology."

"Okay." Negi lit up again, and began walking around the clearing, looking at the plant life.

A few minutes later the two ninja returned from their arboreal excursion. Immediately Ed and Negi stopped what they were doing and reconvened to compare notes. "Okay." Ed said. "This is definitely deep jungle. Thick, loamy soil with plenty of mast."

"Mast?" Ino inquired.

"Duh, Ino, even I know this one! The mast is the part of a ship that the sails hang from."

"Idiot! Do you see a ship here? No! And why would a ship be in the middle of a jungle?"

"It wouldn't." Ed snapped, miffed at the interruption "Mast is vegetable detritus. Tree litter. Leftover bits of dead plants that have rotted into a foot-deep layer of natural mulch. With how thick it is, I'd say that this area of the jungle, at least, hasn't been inhabited by man in at least a century, if it ever was. Also, the ground beneath the mast is the tiniest bit sandy through the loam. So either the jungle ends quite abruptly in a desert—which I doubt—or the jungle ends quite abruptly in a beach."

"It's a beach." Negi said firmly.

"How can you tell?"

"Well, for one thing the air smells salty, and I can hear waves crashing very faintly. For another, the plants around here are ones you find in such transitory places. We should be careful exploring though, because although my magic is gone-slash-screwed up, I can tell that almost everything in this place is deeply magical. Some of the plants may even have a form of sentience, so try not to destroy anything. And don't EAT anything without my say-so, whatever you do. Naruto-san, that means you."

"You're picking on me…" Naruto sulked.

"Sakura-san told me what happened when you had to teach children survival training in your own country. I'm not about to trust you in a foreign, magical country where none of the plants are the same."

"I feel so betrayed…Sakura-chan told you." Naruto sniffed, acting hurt, before becoming his usual cheerful self again. "Meh, whatever. No eating things unless the Negi Magi says it's safe. I got it."

"Wait a second, I don't hear any waves." Ed objected. "And I only smell jungle dirt and lots of plants."

"Same here." Ino added.

"Me too." Naruto chimed in.

"Well, I can't use any magic, but the wind is still bringing me extra info, so the sea is probably a lot further than you can hear or smell."

"This is just sad." Naruto said to Ino. "Our awesome enhanced ninja-senses have been outclassed by a de-magick-ified wizard."

"Naruto-san, de-magick-ified is not a word." Negi pointed out.

"Oh, go jump in your distant ocean."

"Okay, so there's an ocean. So what?" Ino asked. "We saw something much more important."

"Well, what did you two see?"

"A castle!" Naruto jumped in before Ino could say a word. "It's pretty far away, but if we hurry, I bet we can get there before sundown!"

"Hurry by your standards or ours? Because Negi may have good motor skills, but he's no marathon runner, and with two metal limbs, I'm not nearly as fast as you ninjas. In case you haven't noticed, it's after three pm already."

"Okay, so we'll get there by sundown tomorrow…"

"I thought as much." Ed sighed. "Joy."

As the sun set the next day, four bedraggled children made their way out of the jungle to a clearing surrounding a great stone castle. It was truly an impressive sight. Pennants flew from the spires, and a deep, clear moat surrounded it. The drawbridge was down, but it was obvious that it would soon be raised for the night.

"OOOOOOOIIIIII!! Castle people! Anyone home?" Naruto called as they neared the drawbridge. The only response he received was a rush of water and a steamy snort, as a great, serpentine creature reared its head out of the moat and stared down at them threateningly.

"Holy…!"

"EEEEEEEYAAAAAAA!"

"What the f-"

"They have a moat monster?!"

All four of them back-pedaled madly, Ino and Naruto jumping back at least a dozen feet while Ed and Negi scrambled hastily away from the serpentine creature.

It snorted and turned one eye towards them watchfully.

Ed panted for a moment, keeping a wary eye on the thing. Naruto and Ino's hands had dropped to their kunai holsters, and Naruto looked like he was about to attempt his Kage Bunshin no Jutsu, despite being unable to use chakra.

"Wait!" Negi said, clambering hastily to his feet again.

"What?!" Naruto shouted loudly. "That thing is dangerous!"

"That's a moat monster; its job is to protect the castle by eating people who try to cross the moat. It won't attack us if we keep our distance!"

"Eh? Is that right?" Naruto said, looking surprised. "Okay then." He put away the kunai he'd begun to draw. "So how do we get in without it eating us?"

"Er…" Negi fumbled that answer. "I don't know. I know a lot of human languages, but I don't speak moat-monster."

"Well that's helpful." Ino rolled her eyes.

"No it's not. It doesn't help at all." Naruto said, looking confused.

"I was being sarcastic, stupid!"

"Oh…" After a pause, Naruto yelled, "I'm not stupid!"

"No, of course you aren't." Ed said, deadpan.

"See? Ed knows I'm not stupid!" Naruto shouted at Ino.

I was being sarcastic too, you retard. Ed said internally. Openly he said, "That's right Naruto, you're as brilliant as a lobotomized chimera."

"Heehee!" Naruto grinned proudly, unaware of Ed's true meaning.

The other three sighed helplessly.

Notes: A lobotomy is the surgical interruption of nerve tracts to and from the frontal lobe of the brain, resulting in dulled behavior and reactions. Oftentimes someone who's been lobotomized will seem 'stupid' or 'slow'. Chimeras, in Ed's world, are all non-sentient combinations of different creatures. Basically, Ed's saying that Naruto is about as smart as a brain-dead animal.

"So Negi, if you can't talk to the moat-monster, what are we going to do?" Naruto asked, now in a very good mood.

"Well, I can't understand what it says, but…" Negi looked at the moat-monster thoughtfully. It watched the four of them with a kind of patient wariness. "Maybe it can understand what we say."

"Huh?" Naruto looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"Well, guarding a moat isn't as simple a job as it sounds. Not only would he have to prevent people from crossing the moat, but he would have to recognize various people and magicks to know when and how to act. Surely diplomats or commoners visiting the castle must be allowed to pass by, so there has to be an easy way for him to tell friend from foe. The simplest would be for him to understand human speech, so that the castle inhabitants can give him orders and information."

"Oh, I see!" Ino said, striking her fist into her palm in understanding. "That does make sense! It's like Akamaru, an intelligent animal that understands but doesn't speak the human language!"

"Exactly. And it's a he."

"Wait, how do you know it's a 'he'?" Ed asked.

Negi actually looked surprised at that question. "He doesn't seem masculine to you? Really, even with non-humans there are some very obvious male and female distinctions."

"Sorry if I'm not up-to-date on magical monster taxonomy." Ed retorted, annoyed. It looked like Negi really was the competent one here, and Ed didn't like playing second fiddle. "Anyway, he can understand us, right?"

Negi nodded. "Probably."

"Yosh! I'm gonna talk to the moat monster!" Naruto grinned cheerfully and walked back toward the moat, brimming with confidence. "Neh, neh, neh! Moat-Monster-san! Can you let us into the castle before the bridge goes up? You can do that, right?"

The moat monster lowered his head so that one dinner-plate eye was focused on Naruto from a foot away. The eye moved, looking Naruto up and down. The moat monster eyed the brightly-clad and brightly-smiling boy critically. Then he turned his eye on the other three, looking them over as well.

Ino cringed away from the wet, reptilian creature's gaze, uncomfortable with being scrutinized by a giant water-dwelling serpent. Ed jerked and stood stiffly in place. Chimera didn't freak him out, but this thing was huge. It could probably hit him even from this distance. Negi just blinked back at the moat-monster, seemingly unaffected by its staring.

"Neh, Moat-Monster-san!" Naruto called the creature's attention back to himself. "Are you going to let us in? Neh? Neh?" His broad smile and cheerful demeanor remained unchanged.

The moat-monster stared at him a moment longer, and then, with a steamy snort, pulled back and ducked under the water's surface, leaving only rapidly-vanishing ripples to show he was ever there.

"Eh?" Naruto tipped his head to one side, confused. He crouched by the side of the moat. "Moat-Monster-san! Where're you going?" He looked back over his shoulder. "Oi, Negi, why'd Moat-Monster-san leave?"

"He gave us permission to pass, Naruto. That's the only reason for him to retreat like that."

"Really? Awesome!" Naruto turned back to the moat. "Thank you, Moat-Monster-san!"

Beneath the moat's surface, the moat-monster let loose a stream of bubbles in reply.

"Ooh, bubbles!" Naruto said. He reached out and popped one. "Heheh, pop!"

"Oi, Naruto!" Ed called. "We're going to leave you out here if you don't hurry up!" He and the other two were already halfway across the drawbridge.

"EEEHH?!" Naruto yelled, panicking. "Don't leave me behind!" He ran to catch up with them.

Notes: I can actually see Naruto sitting there playing with bubbles as the drawbridge closes and locks him out of the castle. It's a hilarious mental image, I assure you.