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I dismounted the plane to redoubled agony.

Alice. How could Alice do this to me twice? She was my sister! And she lets him walk away. Oh, he has every right to, he doesn't owe me a thing, but Alice could have said good bye. That's all I wanted, good bye. And she didn't give me two damn words.

The last time, she came back for me. Because he still "loved" me. She helped me save him. She was by my side in this foreign place, her eyes burning, her excitement and joy cooled to a tense purposefulness.

I missed them so much.

Not as much as I missed him…

"Taxi!"

"Where to, miss?"

"Volterra."

His eyes widened. "You got the money?"

I gestured at my life's savings. What else would I need them for?

After all, my life would never be saved.

I got in the cab and closed the door. As once I had, alone though much more temporarily so, before, I spent the ride with him. I knew it would hurt when the fantasy was over, but I couldn't avoid temptation. I gazed into his photographed eyes and turned the product of his dancing hands up all the way, until it hurt my ears, and imagined.

I imagined I was enough. That he had stayed, that he still loved me. That he had ever loved me, for that matter. I imagined walking down the aisle on Charlie's arm, the room a soft ivory, every surface dripping with lavender flowers. Alice was bouncing from the excitement, and even Rosalie wore a slight smile. Jasper and Emmett were standing still at Edward's side…

And then the rest of the room spiraled out of sight. I could only see him. He was so exquisite. His skin was a perfect white against his black tuxedo, every angle of body and clothing crisp. He wore a crooked smile, and it seemed so earnestly adoring. His hair was ruffled by a slight breeze that made it dance. And Edward's eyes… they were so alive. They stared into my soul, with this look in them like I, not he, was an angel, like he wanted never to look away.

I broke away with a gasp… I'd done enough damage to myself. This trip brought enough pain without deluding myself into binding him to me forever. Why had he ever bothered coming back?

I guess I can't understand him. Just like I can't be enough to love him.

I would have cried, but I hurt too much.

Finally, we were outside the sepia walls. I handed over a significant proportion of all the money I'd ever had and walked inside.

I knew what to do now. I walked into the city, traced a half-familiar path to the clock tower (it wasn't that hard to find) and stood on the fountain.

This was very painful. I'd only ever been here once, and he had been so close then. Sure, at the time I'd known the truth, that he didn't love me, but in memory it was tainted with the beautiful dream that he did.

I couldn't get up to the tower, but I attracted plenty of stares. Good. I opened my mouth wide and hollered at the top of my lungs, "I vampires esistino!" This was the extent of my Italian. I'd looked it up on Babel Fish before going home.

I know the internet isn't always reliable, but from the gasps and hurrying mothers, I was right.

They would be coming now, because vampires do exist.

It takes all of five minutes for Jane to emerge from the shadows. Instinctively, I am terrified. However, the relief is stronger. Soon, soon the pain will be gone.

"Follow, Isabella."

I obey. Her grace is magnetic.

"No one believed you, you know. And you could simply have asked- we're always thirsty."

"I didn't know where to find you."

"Ah. I see. This way."

This time he is not there to catch me. Instead, Jane's iron arms stop my fall, and briskly set me on my feet. Her walk and touch are both businesslike, sensible, though she has a child's form.

"Aro?"

"Jane, dearest, oh, and Bella! What a delightful surprise."

Aro's happiness made my soul ache, as all joy did… like with Jake. He'd tried to be my friend, but seeing his face when she walked in the door just ripped more little holes in my spongy heart.

"Kill me."

He chuckles. "You and your Edward. So direct."

"Please."

"He was mistaken, child. You could be just as easily."

"He isn't going to change me. You have to. You have to kill me. Please."

"May I ask why you are so desperate for your life to end?"

"He left me again."

Marcus and Caius walk in. Marcus speaks slowly. "You are not the first to lose one you love. Life goes on. There is no choice."

He sounds regretful.

I decide to say exactly what they think. I mean, what else can they do to me? I want to be killed. "With all due respect… He told me you lost your mate a long time ago, but at least… at least she loved you until the end."

"That's true, I suppose."

"And it's not just him. It's the whole family. All of them… I was going to be married and changed and part of something forever and now I'm alone."

There is a moment of silence. The eternal eyes dart from face to face, naming those they love silently, counting the pain if they had to do without, as I must. "Why come to us, Isabella? Why not kill yourself in some other way?"

"Alice would see, and might try to stop me. And I couldn't do that to Charlie. Also, I thought there was a chance… I might not… you might not want to kill me. You might change me instead."

"You would not want forever alone, Isabella." Marcus speaks for the second time. "I see the strength of the bond you believe severed. It hurts to look at, it is so intense. You would not want forever alone."

"But if I'm changed… he might want me. And even if he doesn't, I can chase after him forever. I'll be able to stay close by and just… just see him." I would give the pain of forever for one last look. How much more would I sacrifice to spend that lonesome eternity with him, however much of a distance he placed me at?

"Such a shame I cannot know your mind. It must be simply fascinating… Brothers?"

"Kill her. Let her life… her pain end. I would not kill one of our kind, especially not the son of your friend, Aro, but a human… their lives are nothing. She does not know what she will suffer."

"Change her. The laws will be satisfied, and this child may well be powerful once one of us."

"I am inclined to agree, Caius. Very well… shall we?"

I close my eyes. "Thank you." I hadn't even dared to ask these archaic and ancient beings, and now I could live forever. I could chase after him, and, however far-fetched it seemed, I might, might, win him back. Ah, for shadows of dreams…

I try very hard not to think what could have happened… or what the date is. It's August 13th. It's my wedding day.

I try not to imagine him waiting for me. I try not to imagine trying… being so close to him. Is that why he left? Am I so repulsive?

But above all else, I try not to imagine him changing me, his lips against my throat, his venom staining and turning me that I might be his forever.

I am, though. I will always be his.

No matter what, I belong to him. I only wish he were mine.

Yes, yes, do it. Please.

I plead silently with the perfect pale face. It bends closer and closer to my throat, the teeth gleaming. Maybe Aro will kill me. Maybe he will not.

Either way, this is a dream come true.

A relief…

Yes, yes, yes.

His teeth reach my throat. For an instant, they are merely a cool, wet pressure on the skin, and then he closes his jaw. The pain is instant, just that of the teeth biting through my skin. Then the venom seeps through. I don't scream. If it were the one I love (I don't think his name) I might cry out, but in this home of monsters, I will be brave and stay silent.

The pain rushes through. I can hear my heart beat, it's rather disturbing. Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum. I know this is the last time I will ever know that regular rhythm. I recall that he liked my heartbeat… if that wasn't a part of the lie. My beautiful memories are all stained with pain now, with doubt, because he never loved me.

That hurts worse. The venom is terrible, agony rushing through me like my own blood, but knowing he does not want me, that hurts worse. "Not as bad," I whisper to myself, and I am comforted. Because it's true… nothing is that bad. It's like when Jake imprinted. I loved him. My heart could have broken, but it didn't, because it's gone, and so nothing in the universe can be that bad. "Not as bad," I whisper again, and I am comforted.

That becomes a mantra, of sorts. I do not scream throughout the four long days. I merely grit my teeth and whisper to myself. I can survive this. I have been through so much worse. I have lost the most precious thing in the universe, twice. I have had my greatest dream, found, lost, returned beyond expectations, and again dashed to shattered pieces, this time beyond repair. Not as bad.

My body is not broken half so badly as my heart.

My life flashes behind my eyes… the last time I was dying, I thought it was not so. I see the same thing, but this time I know I am no different. I do not see my childhood or my friends. I only see him. I see my life, the reason for my living, and I wince at the pain…

And yet I smile at the incredible, jaw-dropping beauty. Even in imperfect memory, he is perfect. I should be glad of our brief and blessed time together, but I cannot bring myself to that. No, only agony is there… it hurts too much for gratitude.

Edward smiles crookedly in my head. "Are you all right?" he whispers. "I'm sorry you hurt."

He's talking about the pain of transformation. "Fine, as long as you're here."

"I'll always be here."

I smile at my delusion while my broken soul weeps.

The moment of awakening is silent. I don't think or hear. I don't even register it… then, suddenly, the decrease in pain is noticeable. I sit up, look around, smile slightly. "Bring me a mirror," I whisper. I pray that some miracle has occurred, that I have been rendered beautiful in the pain, that it is worth it…

Felix is there, smiling sarcastically. "You do not rule here, Cullen girl."

"I'm not one of them."

"That's true. You're not. You don't even have that pull, the connection with Aro's friend. I would not, Miss Swan, give orders here. We can destroy you."

"I don't care. You see, there's no threat that matters to me. Nothing in the world can hurt me now."

"We can destroy him."

The mere thought sends shudders down my soul, ripping yet another fault line there, deeper and deeper, when I thought I couldn't be hurt more. I am beginning to realize there is always more room for pain, especially when your heart has been so swollen with love. The idea of him suffering, of him being… destroyed… is impossible. Didn't I let him leave me to avoid him being so much as bored? Don't I suffer all this for one sake, for his?

"I apologize."

"Good."

"May I please see a mirror?"

"Yes. I'll grab one."

He is clearly disgruntled he didn't get a chance to hurt someone. His icy smile disturbs me, fills me with fear… if Edward is hurt, I will perish even further.

The mirror is small, and it is not without trepidation that I peer into its surface. I gasp.

I have not changed. My skin is paler, my features a touch straighter, my hair shinier, but I am no beauty, never was, never will be. The hope is crushed… and my eyes. My eyes are repellent. I remember how he claimed to love them as a human, the liar… but now no one could give that lie. They were terrible. Like a ruby, lustrous, gleaming, bright, gem-like, yes, but not…

They are so unnatural. I hate them. I hate my disappointing new self. I hate everything about it. He should have been here. This moment was supposed to end with me sighing or screaming or something and him touching those glassy lips to my throat and muttering to my new-frozen skin, "You are so beautiful. I have created such an angel."

Ludicrous. I'm lying to myself in ridiculous ways… I'm disappointed to say that the pain has not faded, is not at all forgotten, with my new being. I am not an angel created, but a demon.

I sob, with the tears I've lost hanging desired and impossible. "Oh, Edward."

"Will you remain with the Volturi?"

This is Aro, entering the room. He, in the night black robes, has a face so grave it might rival my woeful mask.

"I'm sorry. I must go look for him…"

"Wait. Alec's power may…"

"What is it?"

"He can determine… and control… other vampire's abilities. He can tell what yours is. Alec?"

The beautiful child steps from the shadows. He smiles, a mirror of his sister's attack, and then squints at Aro. "Master, this girl is very, very interesting."

"What is her power?"

"A strange amalgamation, master, of my own and her love's… she can see thoughts… and control them."

I stifle the pain. Is there nothing which cannot hurt me? The mere thought of my own strongest ability is so like him I can barely comprehend it… I know I can never use it.

"Fascinating! I've never seen anything like it! Dear, dear Bella… will you not remain here a while? Your power could be so useful."

"I'm sorry." The denial hangs in the air. Aro flexes his hand at Felix…

Suddenly it dawns on me. They mean to attack. They will not let me go… no, they will! They must!

"Go back, Felix," Aro orders. Yes, that's right. She has every right to leave.

I run before my power is overcome by Alec. The walls of Volterra fade quickly. Now, I must find my once-family. I haven't the faintest idea where to start. I may have to wander. The world is a large and empty place, and I don't know where in it they are.

I have no way to contact any of them. I don't know where they might have gone, but I do have a thought. Eventually, they'll have to move somewhere. If I stay in one location long enough, they'll find me.

I run down the streets of Italy as I make my plan. Carlisle is from England. He needs to work in a city. How hard can it be to swim there, convince someone to hack into a computer system for me, and track the name Cullen? It's a good plan. I can wait forever.

That is one thing that is no disappointment about the transformation. I have an eternity to spend awaiting him. Someday he may return. I have to believe that. Someday I will have something to live for. It would have been so much simpler just to have killed myself, I think glumly, and then sigh. Would I give up my last chance for him?

No, I will suffer everything If there is a shadow of a hope, the fleeting remembrance of my gilded dream, eternity's pain is worth it.

I do not collapse in agony. Instead, I put it from my mind, turn, and make a plan. I add a new dimension. I need to find Alice first. She can tell me if I have any chance, and she will help me decide what to do.

If she hasn't turned her love to loathing also. My own sister left me twice! Without a word…

I know Edward tricked them, but shouldn't she have seen it? How could she?

I sigh. The whole not-thinking thing is really not working.

I sprint for the coast. The journey takes almost an hour, but I don't mind. It is pleasant to feel the world fly past me, weightless. It isn't true happiness, of course. That only exists with him. But it's the most pleasure I can find in an empty life.

And I run on, faster, drowning out pain in whistling wind.

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