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The days mean nothing. Four hundred of them have come and gone, and nothing but the glow of this screen with its worthless roster of torturous names is my companion.

I have not found them.

I simply wait here, staring at a computer that lists every schoolchild named Cullen in the world.

It's a common name.

43 thousand hits, actually. There are five Rosalies, seven Jaspers, four Emmetts, a hundred and thirty-six Alices… ten Edwards.

None of them are even in the same states.

I spend my days waiting for new entries… or feeding. I don't have the control of Carlisle. I'm no saint.

In short, I kill people.

I'm not proud of it. It is my greatest shame. In the moment I leap for a bleeding wound, I feel such horror at myself.

I follow the path he once took, killing those who kill others. Still, I am ending lives.

I am a murderer.

Every instant my soul cries out, this is not the way it should have happened! He should be here, smiling, whispering of his undying love, christening this new life with the eternal glory of adoration, keeping my heart safe and my desires checked. He could have held me back. I am a killer. It is my failing.

And his fault.

It's really all his fault… I blame him and yet I don't. I love him with such a love I can't blame him even for all he's done. I don't hate him for the killing of my heart or for the killings he's forced upon my heart.

They are, however, his. My sins are mine, but I am his. Too bad he won't accept my soul. If he didn't want it pure, how much more loathsome will it be so stained?

Oh, Edward…

I sob with the dry tears I can produce. My heart rends further. I wonder where my immense capacity for pain came from. Isn't the transformation supposed to dull all things?

It doesn't dull love. And so it can't dull my pain. But the days fade into each other. There is no sparkle. There is no light. There is only the endless agony of waiting.

I did this so I could find him, not so I could wait longer. I don't want to be powerless, held in thrall to a departed god who will never shower me with his bright favors again.

I kick the monitor. Miraculously, five new names shimmer on the screen.

The entry looks like this.

School First Last Location

Jansbury Secondary Rosalie Hale jansbury

Jansbury Secondary Japer Hale Jansbury

Jansbuty Secondary Alice Cullen Jansbury

Jansbury Secondary Emmett Cullen Jansbury

Jansbury Secondary Edward Cullen Jansbury

I gasp. They are not twenty miles away from me right now. How fate corrects itself!

The pain is a mild shock to the fading glory of relief.

Finally, there is something I can do. I can find them, and talk to them, and see them… see him. His beauty will blind me. I can love him with some little comfort of his presence.

I thank the god I just realized I believe in, and I grab my belongings. The only things I bring are an iPod with his songs, a printout of their address, and a photograph of his beauty…

Soon the last will not be necessary. I may not have him, but to look on him will be enough…

All my love beats in my heart like the blood I no longer possess.

Alice is the first person I see in town.

"Why?" she asks. "Bella, how could you?"

I am confounded. What is she talking about? What have I done? "What the hell? What did I do?"

"How could you… what's going on? First you leave Edward, and then you turn up as a vampire…"

"I didn't leave Edward." So he lied to her. It's comforting to know she hates me only for falsities.

"You didn't?"

"He left me. I told him he could go, but only so I wouldn't hurt him."

Her face contorts. "I should rip his face off. I should kill him. How could he do that?"

"I'm nothing special, Alice. Just a human… well, not anymore. But I'm still no beauty, no angel. He deserves better. I can't blame him for knowing it."

"You're my best friend, but in all honesty, from a completely objective perspective, you are special. He knows it… or he should. And he made a promise."

"Alice, I need to live with you."

"Yes, you do."

"You have to… Alice, I fed from humans."

She draws a slow, steady breath. "You're still Bella. We'll teach you. What's your power?"

"I can control thoughts, or another vampire's power…"

"That will be very useful. I have a plan, Bella. It may not work… do you think you can make me forget something?"

"Probably. I'm new at this."

"I need to forget you're Bella. And you need to trick Edward… our whole family… into something. Something big."

"What? Spit it out, Alice."

She looks up at the misty sky. I marvel at the realization that one member of my family, at least, still wants me. "I need you to dress up as someone else."

"Okay."

"I think it would work better… if you pretend to be a boy."

Look at this logically, Bella. Come on. Ignore the instinctive biting rejection. He'll never love you, what does it matter… "Why?"

"They'll recognize you. You may be able to control their thoughts for a while, but Edward, at least, will know who you are. But if you keep your hair curled up… I can do it for you… and wear boy's clothes, no one will know, Bella. They won't think… if your hair is covered… lie and say it fell out, wear a wig, I don't care. But your eyes are red now. No one will recognize you."

"Okay. Let's do it."

"You're going to have to make me forget, or else my thoughts will give us away."

"No one will know?"

"No one will know."

That will be hard… I can scarcely believe what I am doing. "All right. Get me costumed, go home. I'll wipe your mind as you finish dressing me up."

"Just like old times."

I grin widely at that. "Yeah, before I was, you know, an empty shell and all that."

"You're not doing any better, are you?"

"No. It's like last time."

"As brilliant as my plan is, there's something to be said for the simpler solution."

"What's that?"

"Punching Edward out. It would be very… satisfying."

I would have snickered if I wasn't enveloped by agony.

The house was jaw-dropping in majesty. Unlike their earlier residence, it was butter yellow. The windows were edged in tan. It was lovely.

I gulp back fear. The sheer size of it makes me want nothing more than to sprint for safety, for somewhere, anywhere, else… but it is the only place I can be without pain. Now I have a new fear. What if I am discovered?

I walk up to the house and knock twice on the door. Esme answers it. My mother. I want to throw myself into her arms and sob. Instead, I reach into her mind. Who is that? The face is familiar…

I edit these musings. I've never seen anyone like him. I wonder why he's here.

I look into her eyes, golden and beautiful. "Hello. My name is Jacob. Will you teach me how to live on animals?"

I am surprised at my own choice of pseudonym. It will only cause more pain. However, it may distract them. Yes, a good idea. And I won't have any trouble remembering it.

Esme smiles at me, the familiar motherly joy. "Why, of course! We'll be glad to. Come on in, dear."

I feel my heart thaw a little. They will accept me. I will not be so alone in the world. My family is mine again, although I am not myself.

"Everyone!" Esme calls, in a pitch no louder than human conversation. They tumble gracefully down the stairs, my beautiful family.

Rosalie is first. Her eyes are shaded, her loveliness somehow wan.

Emmett follows right behind her. His eyes narrow when they see me…

Then Carlisle. He is shocked.

Alice isn't… she never is. But she smiles. I am relieved to discover her mind has no memory of making me this person. She doesn't know me.

Jasper holds her hand.

Finally, he walks down. Edward. I choke back a thick sob. They can't know. Edward. He is so beautiful. My soul heals. I can breathe. I can breathe! There is pain, but it isn't the choking, all-consuming, agony it was. It is merely the pain of knowing he doesn't want me. As long as I am with him, I have a heart to be broken.

"Everyone, this is Jacob."

"Hello," I say. "The Volturi changed me, but I… I heard about you. I don't want to kill people."

I speak simply, knowing a complex lie will trip me up. I stink at lying.

"We've always got room. Would you like to get settled? I think there's an extra room."

"At least mine won't be hijacked again," Edward teases, elbowing Alice in the ribs.

The beauty of that voice! It is as pure and sweet as an angel's prayer.

I forced myself to focus.

"I can read thoughts," Edward offers, "but I'm not getting anything from you. Any idea why?"

I come up with a way to further the deception. "That's my power." Keep them from suspecting their minds around me.

It hurts to lie to the people I love.

"Oh. That makes sense."

Without any further words, Edward runs upstairs. Esme watches him leave, and then she shows me to a room. It's small and lined with books.

I like it quite a lot.

Esme sits on the bed and pats the seat next to her. "Sit down, Jacob."

I do so.

"I need to tell you something. Edward, my son, the one with the bronze hair. He is depressed right now, for lack of a better word. The girl he loves… he couldn't read her mind. I think you are reminding him of her."

"What happened to her?"

"She was human, and she left him, for a werewolf named Jacob."

So that's the lie he told them. "Poor guy."

"I just hope he can be happy with someone… so if he's not his usual charming self, don't you blame him. It's not his fault…"

I hear her mind complete, It's hers.

Esme stands and leaves.

He lied to all of them. My entire family hates me. They think I left Edward.

Why? Why on earth would he do that?

I know. He knew someone would be blamed… and he didn't want it to be him. He didn't want his family to hate him. Why not turn that loathing to someone who would never again interfere with his life.

That was it. I shook the quiet impossibility whispering in the back of my mind.

Why would he be depressed if he didn't love me?

He couldn't love me. How could he love me? How could anyone?

The instant I'd turned my back, Jake had imprinted and saved himself from my love. Edward had left me twice. There wasn't a chance he loved me.

If I deluded myself it would only hurt more. At least I didn't have to sleep. At least I couldn't have nightmares.

No, Edward didn't want me. He wanted to never have to see me again… and I had taken away his choice for that in my disguised coming here.

I should leave. But I couldn't bear the pain. I wasn't strong enough to live on my own, I had proved that with my delusion hunting the first time, and now with this. I didn't have it in me to live without at least his presence. I need something. I won't ask for his love, but I need something, anything. Throw me a crumb, Edward. Let me stay here close beside you.

I won't ask for more.

I promise.

I put my head down on the soft blue pillow and try to hold myself together.

I think maybe he loved me. Maybe it wasn't all a lie. But he certainly can't love me now.

No, once his affections had been mine, but they had been fleeting on his part. He hadn't always been lying to me, what was the point?
He'd never been in love before. So the first time was strong and strange. He'd gotten caught up in bloodlust and mistaken it for regular lust which had tricked him into false love. That was all.

And he'd lied to cover that up. His family wouldn't have understood. They were all so in love, and their love was the eternal vampire sort, not the fleeting romance of a teenage boy. Edward had never felt real love, so he mistook a stupid crush for what his family had.

Lucky he'd caught it in time.

I sob. It's even worse now that I can't cry. My arm makes its way around my waist, where I press it, trying to keep myself together. I cannot…

Then I remember. I am in Edward's house. He will never know who I am, but I can spend the rest of eternity here, with him. He will never love me, and I know I will never love again, but at least, at the very, very least, I can see him. I can feel his loved presence and know I am whole.

He is here. I have again a heart to break every time I look on that perfect, unattainable face.

He's not the villain here, I am. It's well within his right to leave me. He probably hasn't even considered my broken heart.

Who would? What am I that he should remember me?

Rather I should be glad for the fleeting moments.

And yet I cannot find it within me to do aught but want him…

Edward, Edward, Edward.

He is so near I feel no need to forbid myself his name. It hurts, of course, but not with the sick aching emptiness… I am whole. He is not a hundred feet away from me at this very moment.

I can, with my vampire ears, hear him in his room, two floors straight up. I do not torture myself by listening, yet there is an unmistakable sound, loud enough I cannot ignore it.

The sound is his beloved music.

Yet it holds none of the sweetness I recall…

I hear his fingers begin on the keys.

The beat is slow and low. Three identical wavering notes hover in the air, setting a sad tone. A tiny break separates each deep sound.

Then another sound breaks in. I can almost see his long, delicate fingers dancing over the keys, left hand beating out trios of deep weeping notes, like little sets of triplets, as his right hand sings on the higher notes.

It does not begin fast. It starts out weaving in and out at the same pace as the metronome-like low sounds. The tune is complex, though. High, higher, high, higher, pause, higher, higher, highest… long pause, high, middle, low…

He repeats again. This time the notes linger half as long.

And again.

And again.

The slow and the fast make up a beating, churning, discordant and yet perfect melody.

There is no love here. Different than the music I remember, though it is the same impossibly complex beauty. That was sweet, pulsing, slow and soft then fast and joyful. This too winds to a climax, but it is not bliss, it is agony.

He plays, as he always has, upon an instrument that sings the same tune as my heart.

The music grows a bit faster. Now he weaves in other notes, seemingly random. They flee to the edges of the tune…

They are nonsense. And then I realize as the beat expands in velocity that they follow the same pattern, high, higher, high, higher, higher, higher, highest, high, middle, low…

Just more extreme.

I begin to sob. My heart speeds in time to the increasing fervor of the beat. The seconds, nay, the world, seems to swarm at the same pace. The room spins, the multicolored spines of books a kaleidoscope of impossible whimsy. They are a rainbow, and then they are one, and then a rainbow again.

I sob. I can feel the inside of my soul crack, brittle, dry for lack of rain, for want of love.

The music speeds further. I slip from the bed, collapse, fall to the floor with a thunderous crash. My knees then my hands strike the ground, but they cause no pain. Even if I were human, that would be a mere annoyance compared to the great rending agony in my heart.

As the world closes, pulsing, in on me, I hear a cry as pained as I…

"Bella!"

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