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It is his voice. I cannot think why he would cry my name. However, I can feel the pain. It shoots through me, spearing my soul.
Again, I hear it… "Bella."
This time is a whisper.
I strain to reach him the only way I can… my mind reaches, bending and twisting to catch its other half…
I see only darkness. I hear only pain.
Why? What is causing him this agony? Why would he cry the name of one he never loved?
My musings are interrupted by Esme. It hurts so much, to see her here, to know she doesn't know me.
"Jacob? May I?"
"Of course. Come in."
She enters, smiling as always. My mother. I struggle to calm my face and sense instead her mind. She is thinking about him.
"Jacob, you're probably wondering what that was all about. Edward has always been a bit introverted. He was alone for so long… and now that his heart's broken, he hardly ever comes out. At least he's living with us this time. He deals with it through music. His songs used to be so lovely, and now all it is… pain. It's like weeping. I can hear his tears in it… I shouldn't be burdening you with this, I suppose, but I guess… I think of all of you as my children. It seems almost as though I know you…"
Aloud, I said, "That's quite all right, Esme. You've taken me into your home. If I can help you in any way… it's so sad for Edward. I know how it is to lose the one you're meant for."
Internally, I am reaching into her mind and distracting her from any recollection of who I am. She cannot know me.
"You do?"
"Yes." I thought up a lie, and I thought it up quick. "I was married when the Volturi changed me. We were in Florence, on our honeymoon. We followed the beautiful woman into the city… took the bait. They killed her, but Alec thought I had potential. They changed me… but after a while, every person I killed had her face."
Esme's hand, no longer chill to my touch, rubs sympathetic circles on my back. This lie is a convincing one… "We've all dark pasts, Jacob. The important thing is to remember that you have a new life. It's like a gift. You can start over. I did."
"That's right…" I murmur, remembering. But Esme's life was over when it began. She had a loose end that became a happy ending, while my dream is doused in shadow.
"What was that, dear?"
The music begins again, sparing me from having to again unleash my power. The song is the same as before, only played with still more fury.
Esme sighs. "I'm going to go check in on him, if you'll excuse me. He won't be pleased, but I'm afraid he'll do himself such harm. He usually doesn't play so loudly."
She stands and leaves.
My brain reels.
He loves me.
He has to love me.
Intellectually, it makes no sense- I am in no way worthy…
But pure intellectualism cannot hear that music. It is the sound of a broken heart, a most familiar organ to this ear, and I know it is a true pain. Edward loves me.
Perhaps he weeps for another
Perhaps there is some other reason for that cry.
But I must believe it. He left me once, for my own good. Could he not repeat the mistake? I must believe it.
I cannot live believing it other.
So I shall try to live the only way I can. I will pretend that Edward loves me, that he left me for me a second time, that it is just an escalation of his self-hatred, that he is miserable.
As much as it hurts to imagine him in pain, I must, because otherwise my own agony will become too great to bear.
I think he loves me. I have to.
And I will pretend until the end of time.
The end of time- that gives me an idea. I can wait until the world ends for his love to return. Yet I will not. I am close to him, I can see him.
I can watch him.
I know the signs of emptiness, they are so deep a part of myself.
I know what to look for. If I find it, if I can convince myself with ample evidence that the soul of his song is a true one, I shall reveal myself.
And I may still get my happily ever after.
It will be difficult. In every second I am here, watching the life I should have had go on with out me, I will be in pain. That is a part of the price.
I will have to witness him hurting and not help when I know it is within my power. That, a cost almost too great to bear.
And finally, in the end, I may reveal myself, to find he does not love me, never loved me, and they will cast me out, and I will be alone forever.
There's always the Volturi, or I might be able to convince Irena it was I, not the wolves, responsible for Laurent's death.
The rest of my would-be murderers are gone. I almost regret that now.
But I have to do this. I have to try. I can't live forever wondering if there was a chance, if we could be happy.
And if he really is miserable, I must do my best to fix it. I have a duty, after all, with all the joy he's given me.
Never mind the pain that is its cost.
There is another side to this many edged sword. I will have a delicate balance. After all, I cannot leap too soon. I must be sure, absolutely sure, and I am certain that I will want to reveal myself and declare my devotion every minute.
And yet, it will be difficult to do that at all. It makes no sense that he should love me, and I have always been a sensible person. It will take a great deal to stop my head from outweighing even my heaviest of hearts.
I knock on his door. "Edward?"
"Come in," he whispers, resigned.
I am quite lucky he doesn't know my thoughts. Otherwise, this whole charade would probably be impossible, and certainly this conversation.
"I heard you playing," I say, eyes downcast. I have something of a fear he will know me if I let him look right into them… windows to the soul. Even though the color has changed, I still have Bella's eyes.
"Oh. I'm sorry. I haven't been very civil in welcoming you to our family."
I strained to hear his thoughts… and found nothing.
Interesting, but decidedly inconvenient. I could have brought up the subject of myself, listened into his mind, and easily discovered what the truth was.
That had, in fact, been my plan. Now, I would have to be a bit more subtle. I might have to spend far longer, planning, plotting, carefully laying clues here and again, following the path of guesses and little hints…
It wouldn't be easy. But it was possible.
And there was nothing I wouldn't do for even the chance he might love me. Even if I could only convince myself, it was a start.
After all, my life couldn't be darker than it is without him. "Don't worry, Edward. Esme told me about what had happened…"
His eyes darkened, chilled. He was so beautiful, even in his pain. I felt so whole, so healed. I could breathe. I wasn't just content. I was in heaven every second we were here, together.
"I can understand. I know what it's like to lose someone…"
"You lose many things when you're changed, Jacob. But this… it was meant to be, and I couldn't…"
"Yes?" I was eager. What would his next words be? Would he tell me, finally tell me he loved me… could he love me?
Stupid hope would only destroy me, and yet I could not live without it.
"I am sorry. I should not trouble you with this. I should like to be your friend, I think. You interest me… you're only the second person I've met whose thoughts were a mystery."
His words warm my heart, though they are far from the ones I so crave. "More than friends. Brothers."
He smiles, not the true crooked one that is so full of light and love, but a broken grin that nonetheless has some affection.
"All right, Jacob."
He gestures to the interior of his room. I enter, and we both sit down on the black couch. I notice one thing right away. It is totally and utterly different than his previous chamber. The music is in stacked boxes, not shelves. He has a new sound system.
The walls are painted black. There is neither couch nor bed.
Either he didn't care at all, or he misses me so much that the room we were supposed to share hurts him just to think of it.
Then I notice something else. The dark desk shoved against one wall is completely empty, except for one thing. There is a velvet box with a clear lid.
Through the glass cover, I can see my engagement ring sparkling.
"Is that hers?" I ask.
"It was. She wouldn't keep it. Couldn't stand to."
"Why?"
"I don't know. Why did she leave me?"
His eyes glow crystal in their pain. Does he honestly believe I left him? Is there something wrong with his memory?
Or perhaps with mine?
Am I insane?
I didn't leave him. I am certain of that. I could not have left him, because I can't live without him. This is fact. This is the truth.
I know that. That is one of the points from which I must build my researches, my discoveries. Maybe, he really believes I left him. But it isn't the truth. I know that.
I know that.
Why then do I have such a hard time believing it?
Then, suddenly, it's laughably obvious why this doubt is within me. Edward said I left him, so I believe him. I have always fallen for his lies. Time and again, he's said things untrue.
Maybe the most painful of all his words were also lies. I am trying to convince myself that.
A simple path appears, and I take it. I can find my answer in seconds. "You really loved her?"
His eyes glint angrily at me. I know I am overstepping a line, possibly causing him pain. "Yes. More than anyone else has ever loved. More than you can possibly know, I loved her."
It is the truth. I am fairly sure of that. "Why did you leave her?"
"What? She left me. I could never…" the words trail off. Perhaps he is reluctant to lie to me, or just doesn't want to contradict himself.
"You did, though, didn't you?"
"Yes. Who told you that?"
"Esme."
"I just wanted her to be safe. It was a mistake. I hurt her so much. But she ended up finding a way to be happy, and that was when I decided to return… can I do nothing right?" The last part of the statement is almost exclusively internally directed. He looks away from me, down at the floor.
"What way to be happy?"
"She made friends with a werewolf. Fell in love, too… even though she said she loved me more. Evidently, she changed her mind."
I hope this next statement doesn't reveal more knowledge of the subject than I should have. "Couldn't he imprint?"
Edward looks right at me, eyes speculative, searching. I cannot gaze into that fire, lest it burn all my deception away. He finally answers. "I suppose he could. But I can't stand to be near them."
It may be the truth. He promised, he promised me he'd wait! I never could have chosen anyone but him. Oh, Edward.
You promised.
I shake a little, trying to restrain the agony. Edward looks curiously at me. "Jacob?"
"I'm sorry. Sometimes it's a little hard. I had so much to live for."
"I'm sorry."
He seems genuinely sympathetic.
"Are you thirsty?" he asks.
"Yes, a little," It feels like my throat is made of sandpaper.
"Let me show you how we hunt. I'm not particularly thirsty, but I like to be well-fed when we start at a new school. You never know when someone smells particularly good. Of course, you won't know about that. But when you start school- I'd give it at least a decade- you need to be careful."
His eyes are distant. I am almost certain he is remembering a certain startling scent.
We run side by side into the night. It is crystal clear, a rare occurrence in any town the Cullens inhabit.
Each individual star is lovely, trickling tears of delight into the sky.
Little points of light bleed pale radiance into the perfect darkness of night.
Reason, as he put it in one memorable conversation. They are the reason. And again I have reason. I can think and know. I have reason to live.
Not bliss, but a functioning ability.
Once life was pleasure. Now it is painful… but in his presence, though unfulfilled by love, it exists.
My musings are interrupted. "Come on. We'll need to run. We're hunting several miles away."
The rush of speed is different on my own feet. It is agonizingly familiar, but I enjoy the way my feet fall on the ground. The contact reminds me I am real, though not whole.
Though I touch the forest floor myself, instead of being a helpless rider upon his back, it is achingly familiar- and oddly enjoyable.
I like the speed. It is invigorating. I feel very alive here.
I have a huge urge to say who I am. I want him to know. I want to tell him.
"We're here."
The forest is wide and full of lovely trees. It is quite beautiful. Everything in the area is serene, lovely, perfect… just like his face. He turns it to me, so peaceful. "Isn't it pretty?"
"Very beautiful."
He smiles, and my heart flutters in a way that would be silly even if I wasn't a vampire disguised as a boy talking to someone who has broken my heart not once, but twice, and quite spectacularly at that.
"Shall we?"
"Certainly."
We stand silently for several moments, waiting. Footfalls come then, the great padding sounds of large animals.
They make their way to us. It is a pair of wolves.
My breath, though not precisely needed, is suddenly painful to take in.
I have two very clear options. I can either reveal myself right here, right now, or do this indescribably painful thing.
It will remind me so much of him, of the second heartbreaker, I doubt it is even possible.
Yet I hold little hope Edward loves me. He may very well hate me for deceiving him, and I can't allow that to happen. I need time. I need to gather more evidence.
I can betray the lesser love, the one that betrayed me… or I can keep the hope for the greater passion, though it is a hideous lying one with but a slim chance of redemption.
Is there nothing in the world that can't hurt me?
Edward leaps first, grabbing the neck of the large male, a deep gray in color, with his delicate long fingers, and sinking those perfect teeth deep into it.
I remember how I once wanted to see him hunt. It is beautiful and powerful.
Then the animal falls drained to the floor.
It is my turn. I have a choice to make.
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