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He leaps toward me, but I recognize it isn't an attack. As I suspected, he doesn't actually reach toward me, rather collapsing to the ground.
I recognize the pain. It so recently was my own… and it is unimaginable in all-encompassing agony. Edward looks on in surprise and pity, with the same sense of familiarity.
"Jasper, we're sorry."
"I have to find her!" he moans. "I can't… can't live without her!"
"Don't. This family's had enough suicide attempts," Edward begins. Jasper growls and stands, lunging toward him.
"Oh, so you get to end your pain, but I don't? Is that it? I'm supposed to live without her? How do you expect I do that? I can't, Edward, Edward, I can't…"
And everyone in the room trembles at the explosion of grief. It radiates out from him. My heart sinks into my toes, pulsing. I can only imagine how awful all the agony of our last few months must have been for Jasper, if everything affects him like this. It is too much, too strong. I grab at my heart, trying to push it up into my chest. Edward embraces me.
"Oh, Bella," he whispers. "It's all right."
"No," Jasper says. "No, it isn't. And it'll never be right again."
I am inclined to agree. Where can she be? I will search the world to find my friend, if that's what it takes. I need to make sure my family is whole, to fix the gap left by her absence.
"Jasper, I'll help you look for her. To the end of time if that's what it takes."
"Bella, what about the wedding? What about me?"
His expression is heartbreaking. I survey Edward for a second, trying not to be swayed by the perfection of his features, by how much I adore him and everything about him. It isn't fair, though, to give in to the only thing I want and forget the people I love, the people who need me. I did it once, with Jake, with Charlie, chasing my impossible angel and abandoning the good solid souls. I don't regret my choice… not that I ever had one, I could never have had anything but him in my future. But I can't lose Alice. I can't give her up. I have to help.
"I'm sorry, Edward."
"I'll come too," he offers. "We can get married when we get back, with her."
I nod eagerly. The pain in the room lightens slightly, but does not fade, though it's replaced by a pale undercurrent of something I recognize. Hope.
It may be misplaced. I seriously doubt we'll ever find her. However, I don't show that. Instead, I reach for Jasper's mind.
Alice… And darkness. That is all I can sense. I carefully and gently replace the nothingness with determination.
I'll find her. She'll be perfectly fine. Stuff happens.
His face smoothes. The tension in the air disappears.
I grin widely, before remembering she is gone.
Still, I'm pretty pleased with myself. A job well done… But I have a bigger task to complete.
It is a while, wandering the dark and empty forests, before the obvious occurs to me. Italy. Revenge… I killed two of their best guard. They must have taken my sister.
I broadcast the idea, tentatively, to Jasper. I… think… she's in Italy.
What? Why would the Volturi, the peacekeepers…
I killed Alec and Jane. I think they want revenge.
No. No. No. No. She… she… she can't be… dead. No.
I don't think she is. If she was, they'd have told us. A total lie. It's better recompense to have us looking hopelessly for her. But I would never say that to Jasper. He's having a hard enough time. He doesn't need one more blow.
Do you really think so? And even in mere thought, it is a pitiable sound of fragile hope and greater pain that I hear from him.
Yes. I lie shamelessly, because I am serving a greater good. I have to unite my family.
Is there even such a thing as a happy ending? My own has been delayed so long, and I begin to fear it will never come, that Edward will leave again, that… Oh, God, let him not. Let him stay. I know I'm not worthy, but let him have pity. Let him stay.
I can't live without him. I need him so much, need him too much, but I can't make myself any less dependant. I will die. I will die without him.
Like Alice and Jasper. We make mates for life. I used to object to the word mate in terms of the vampire couples. Now I know why it's used as commonly as coven among our kind.
It's the one you need, the one who completes you, the perfect match to you, the second part of your pair.
You cannot be without them. I felt this way about Edward even as a human, but it's almost even stronger now.
It was bad enough being without him, thinking he didn't want me. I can only imagine how terrible it must be for Jasper, fearing for her life.
Let her be alive. Please, for Jasper, for all of us, not for me. Please, she's my sister. Don't take her away from us, from her whole family.
We're strong, but we're not strong enough to exist without each other.
Please, let Alice be alive. It's something we need.
If she's alive, then she's probably being tortured, Jasper thinks tonelessly.
Of course not. They wouldn't do that, I reply. Lying again. Who cares.
I don't believe you, Bella. I feel the dishonesty all the way over here.
Jasper, have a little hope.
What do I have to hope for? I sigh and consider before answering. The pause stretches out, and I know without having to wonder he is desperate and miserable, waiting for me to bring some magic solution.
Hope she's fine. Hope you'll see her again. Hope the pain will end. Hope someday you can die without hurting anyone, I don't care, just hope. It'll get you through. And maybe, just maybe, it'll come true.
It is dark and dreary nothingness inside Volterra. The castle we have penetrated now swallows us up, weeping its sad lonesome story of so many, too many years, to the first fresh and un-doomed ears it has possessed in so many, too many years.
This time, I tumble through the sewer on my own. I am strong like him now… and so I feel a different fear. I fear not for myself, but for the one in the depths of this accursed stronghold. Poor Alice. I pray she is all right, but I have no way of even hoping…
Can't grow gloomy. Can't expect Jasper to stand it. Must stay strong…
Edward takes my hand in the darkness, and I feel instantly better. He comforts me. He is my bulwark, my shield. With him, I am steadfast and strong. Without him, I have all the strength of a snowman in July.
The darkness swallows us up as we pad through the tunnel. Alice. We must find her.
It's my fault. All my fault. If I hadn't gone and dragged her with me on a selfish search, she'd be safe at home, not in Volterra, imprisoned or worse.
No, not worse. She's locked up. That's all. She isn't dead. She's perfectly safe, and she'll be fine, and Aro will have to let her go…
These thoughts I send clearly and "accidentally" to Jasper.
It doesn't work. I can feel the gloom hover around him and sense his own mind. What if she's gone, what if she's dead, what if I never see her again, kill, kill, I'll kill them all, they'll kill me but I'll be with you, kill, kill anything, anyone for you, Alice, kill…
It is a savage litany that doesn't belong. I fear that without her he will revert to the carnivorous ways of our kind, feasting on human blood, abandoning family, reveling in death and pain. I send a cruel thought at him. Would you, if she is dead, dishonor her memory so? You know she wanted you not to kill.
I can hear the sigh, heavy even in his mind. No. I won't kill, even if she is gone… but I will avenge her. I won't be a murderer, but if the Volturi slew her, in defiance of their own laws… they will learn the meaning of punishment.
I try to soothe him unheeded. Well, there is nothing more I can do. I must face the possibility she is gone… and what I will do if she isn't. I must face the Volturi, creatures of my nightmares.
I have to, for my sister's sake.
We walk down the hallway. I squeeze Edward's hand, and he returns the gesture. After, our hands are as floppy as fish, without any bone to them… full of fear. Full of hate. Full of worry.
Our family needs each other. I cannot go without my sister…
In these thoughts, I don't notice the hall has ended until I bump into solid stone. I feel around to find the section of wood… an entry way. This is how one enters the palace of the vampire kings, and I have come to beg another boon of them.
Summoning my courage, I knock on the door.
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